I lay on the sofa, Janet's blanket still wrapped around me and I listen to the music that fills the room softly. I couldn't bear to be in the room without any noise. It just reminds me that Jan's not here anymore, and so I turned on the radio so at least I didn't feel so alone.
The doorbell rings. I know who it is. I phoned him as soon as I came back into the house after my 'conversation' with Jan. She was so worried for him because of his seeing her demise, and if she was worried even in death then that gave me reason to be worried too.
We haven't really spoken since she left us. We have a little but we've skirted around everything that needs to be said. He's been retreating away from everything and shutting us all out more and more each day, keeping anything he is feeling to himself mostly through fear of upsetting me more I think. But I need to talk about her. I need to share my memories of her with him. I need to let him know that I'm so glad he could be with her when she passed and that it means a lot to me that she wasn't alone. I need to let him know that its okay to grieve for her and it's okay for him to open up to me about it because I know he loved her almost as much as I did. I think that reason alone makes him one of the perfect people to talk about everything we're feeling with because he understands it exactly. He needs to know how much Jan thought of him and how special he was to her, and how worried she'd be if she was here and saw him in the state he's in. How worried she actually is looking down on him now.
I gently push myself up off the chair and walk over to the door. As I pull it open my heart immediately aches for the man who greets me on the other side. His blue eyes are wet with unshed tears, and so haunted by grief and the sights I never saw surrounding my lovers demise. His face is pale through lack of sleep and he looks as if he might break.
"Oh Daniel..." I whisper immediately wrapping my arms around him, never having seen him so lost.
"I'm so sorry I couldn't save her. I was so helpless. I..." he starts then having trouble finding the words, collapsing on his knees to the floor and taking me with him.
"You couldn't have done anything Daniel. I don't blame you." I reassure him cradling him in my arms tightly.
"I'm so, so sorry Sam." He tells me looking up into my eyes with his own, before his face crumples and he breaks down into tears.
"Hey it's okay." I soothe him hating to see him hurting so much but understanding completely. "It's not your fault." I try and reassure him.
"It's not okay! It should have been me not her." He tells me angrily wiping his eyes now shining with tears.
"It shouldn't have been either of you. Janet would hate to hear you say that and so do I. My Jan might be gone but that doesn't mean I wish it were you. I'd rather it wasn't her but I would never want it to be you either." I add.
"Sam the woman that you love died. I was right there. It shouldn't have happened. She shouldn't have died like that... How can I forgive myself for this?" He asks me.
"You have to. Daniel you couldn't have done a single thing. You have to remember that! You can't keep blaming yourself like this, you can't." I tell him rocking him gently, tears building up behind my eyes just as I think I'm all cried out.
"But I was there and I couldn't help her. I didn't know how. I failed her." He tells me looking at the floor.
"No, you never ever failed her Daniel. Not ever, in the whole time that you knew her did you fail Jan."
"I wish I could believe that." He tells me softly.
"You have to." I tell him tearfully. "You can't do this to yourself Daniel. I know it hurts, trust me I do...but you can't blame yourself for anything that happened that day."
"Do you blame me for it?" He asks me quietly, unable to look me in the eyes.
I can't believe he thinks that I would blame him. How could I blame him for my losing her? It was the Goa'uld that caused her death not him. He was just witness to it, and now it was going to haunt him forever.
"I know that you loved Jan. I know that you would do anything for her. I know that if she had a chance to live you would have done what you could to keep her alive. I could never blame you. You loved her and you were there for her when she needed someone the most. You were there when she was leaving this world, and I'm so grateful that you were because there's no one else I'd rather have been there with her if I couldn't." I tell him honestly cupping his cheek, now wet with tears in my hand.
"I feel so guilty...and so...I just hurt Sam." He tells me sadly.
"I know. Me too." I reply. "Right in my heart. I blame myself too you know. I keep wondering if there was anything I could have done...but there wasn't, there really and truly wasn't." I say helplessly. "That's what hurts the most. That I couldn't protect her and now she's gone."
Daniel shivers. I look up and realise the door is still wide open and we're on the floor in front of it.
"Come on lets get you in the warm." I tell him offering him a hand and helping him up, then closing the door and leading him into the living room.
"I'm sorry..." he tells me softly. "You don't need this right now." He adds.
"But you do." I reply simply. "How long has it been since you slept?" I ask him quietly leading him to the sofa and watching as he slowly lowers himself on to it, his body exhausted with tiredness and tears.
"A few days..." He replies. "Sam I can go if..."
"I called you remember, and no you're not going. Not in this kind of state and not until we've talked about all this. I'm not going to let you shut yourself away from me and from your friends when you're hurting this much. I'm not letting you grieve quietly and keep it all to yourself because you're worried for me." I tell him sternly. "I won't let you destroy yourself. She wouldn't want that for me, for you, for any of us."
He nods and rests his head against the back of the chair.
"I know. It's not easy though is it?"
I shake my head sadly.
"You want a coffee?" I then ask him quietly, never having seen him looking so haunted and noticing he was still shivering slightly from lack of sleep and the cold.
He nods but says nothing.
"Okay. Don't you go anywhere." I say softly, taking his right hand in my own and squeezing it, then walking into the kitchen and making him a drink.
A few minutes and a few tears later I walk back into the room, two cups of coffee in hand. I stop as I see him standing by the window, Janet's jacket in his hands, holding it up to his face and crying.
I put the cups down on the table and walk over to him. I put a hand on his shoulder and he turns to face me tearfully.
"I can't get it out of my head Sam. Every time I close my eyes I see her face. I see her getting hit, I hear her scream and I see her eyes, and every time I see those things feel so helpless because I couldn't save her and I loved her...I loved her and I had to watch her die."
"Oh Daniel..." I whisper rubbing his back.
"And I couldn't save her for you...Every day I saw how much she loved and you and how happy you made her. Every day I saw that love returned. I'm so sorry Sam..." He tells me sincerely.
"Me too but Daniel you can't do this to yourself. What happened had nothing to do with you. It was the damn Goa'uld. You need to forgive yourself."
"I don't think I can." He tells me softly. "God Sam you didn't see it. You didn't see..."
"What?" I ask him softly.
"No.I can't..." He tells me shaking his head.
"Daniel...I couldn't be there...I need to know..." I tell him walking over and sitting down, him then joining me, Jan's jacket still cradled in his hands.
"It wasn't pretty Sam. It was awful...it was... God she was so undeserving of that. So undeserving of what happened."
"I know." I reply never having agreed with something so much in my life.
"It was all so fast. She was trying to help Wells and then... There was a scream and she was down...and... She was just...she was gone. I don't think she was in any pain. If she was it could only have been for a second...but her eyes...she hadn't even been able to close her eyes. I'll never forget them...so scared...so shocked...so lifeless."
I nod tearfully.
"When I got to you both they were closed...You'd covered her wound but I could see through your jacket how bad..." I start before breaking down completely.
"I didn't want you to see." He tells me crying too. "I didn't want your last memory of her to be that. I wanted to protect you from it somehow. I wanted you to see her peaceful." He tells me looking at the floor.
I lean over and kiss him on the forehead amazed at the thought that went into his actions. How even in a situation so dire he was trying to protect me.
"Thank you. Thank you for thinking of us at a time like that."
"You saw her at the base didn't you?" He asks me quietly.
I nod.
"I needed to. There was so much I needed to say to her that I couldn't before. I needed to say goodbye to her. I needed to spend time with her to let her know how much I loved her and will always love her and how sorry I was that I wasn't there when she passed. I wanted to make up for not being there then." I tell him hurting so much over my not being there when my lover had died.
Daniel puts an arm around me and squeezes my shoulder comfortingly.
"I saw her too." He tells me playing with a button on the jacket. " I needed to say sorry."
"What for?" I ask him wiping my eyes.
"For not being able to help her. For what happened to her. For every thing she's done for me these past seven years with hardly any thanks. She did so much for me. She worked so hard for me before I ascended and when I was taken over by all those personalities... She worked so hard for me so many times. She saved my life countless times, and I didn't do nearly enough in return. I never really thanked her even though I cared so much. I should have let her know how thankful I was to have such an angel in my life. I should have said so many things..."
"She knows Daniel." I reassure him.
He smiles like that comforts him a little.
"I hope so." He replied regretfully.
"She does. Trust me." I reply thinking back to my encounter earlier with Janet's spirit.
"How are you coping?" He then asks me as if trying to blank events out of his mind for a little while, his eyes full of concern.
"Not great." I reply honestly. "Cass isn't too good either."
"I can imagine. The poor kids suffered so much loss in her life."
I burst into tears.
"I love her so much...I can't believe she's not here to know that. I can't believe she's not here for me to show it to every day." I tell him sobbing.
He wraps me in his arms and kisses the top of my head.
"She was so unique you know? She cared so much for people and was so kind and funny and determined and brave and beautiful...she was everything I ever needed and wanted... And now..."
"I know." He soothes rocking me gently and letting me cry.
"I feel so empty Daniel. Like this huge part of me is missing. It's like part of my heart has been ripped out and it actually hurts."
"I know the feeling." He replies. "She touched a lot of lives. You should be so proud of her for that."
"I am. There was never a day that went by that I wasn't proud of her. I'm still so proud of her but I would just... I'd give anything to have her back."
He nods in understanding.
"She loved you so much Sam. You and Cassie, you were everything to her." He tells me. "Anytime I was in the infirmary, and you know me, that's been a lot, she always told me what you'd all been doing, how proud she was of you and Cass...how she loved you both every second of every day. I never saw her as happy as she was when she was with you or talking about you and Cassie. As long as you remember that she'll always be alive. I'm sure she's still with you. She loved you too much to ever leave you, even in death."
"She thought the world of you too. I know it was hard for you loving her and seeing her with me, but you always held a special place in her heart. You need to remember that."
"She was happy with you and if you love someone their happiness is the most important thing to you in the world. All I wanted was for her to be happy, and if that was with you then that was where she was meant to be. I love the both of you and I'm glad that you each found the person you wanted to spend your lives with and seeing you together I knew there was no-one else for either of you. You're soul mates. I would never stand in the way of something so special."
"We were so worried about telling you about us you know." I comment.
Daniel smiles.
"Am I that scary?" He asks pulling a stupid face and making me giggle.
"Of course not... Well only when you haven't had your morning coffee." I add giggling. "It was just we knew how much you cared for her, that was why we wanted to tell you because we didn't feel it was fair for you to pine for someone who was seriously involved with someone else. We were so scared that you wouldn't be supportive that's all, because of your own feelings for her."
"I have to admit I was a bit shocked to start off with...but the minute I saw you both together...that was when I realised how special what you both had was. There was no way I'd do anything to jeopardize that for you. I care about both of you so much. I wanted to do anything I could to protect you, to support you and to ensure your happiness and if it meant keeping your relationship from everyone then I was willing to do that as long as you both were happy. I was never one to stand in the way of true love."
"It meant so much to us, the support we had from you. You've been such a dear friend to me and to Jan. She did love you, you know?"
He smiles.
"You don't have to say that but thank you." He replies/
"It's true. You were always there when she needed you. You always gave her support and you always tried to protect her. You two had such a special bond. Why else to you think everyone's so worried about you now?" I ask him.
He shrugs.
"You know I have a feeling that she's watching us right now, and I bet she's so worried seeing you like this." I tell him softly.
"If she's watching over me she's probably wishing it was me that had died not her. She's probably angry with me." He comments sadly.
"How can you even think that?" I ask him open mouthed. "I thought you knew her better than that. Daniel she would never, ever think that, not ever. She would never blame you for what happened to her. It was tragic and wrong and it hurts so badly, but it was not your fault and she would never wish what happened to her on anyone. Especially not you." I reassure him.
"I just feel so guilty Sam. I had to watch her die and she was so special to me. I had to watch her die knowing how heartbroken you and Cass would be and how desperate she would be not to leave you. I had to see something I never, ever wanted to see."
"I know." I soothe rubbing his back. "And I wish you hadn't seen it. I wish that she was here now and that everything was back to the way it was before, but it's never going to happen and as hard as it is to accept we have to go on without her here. She wouldn't want us to be so sad because of her. She'd want us just to be grateful for the times we did spend together. All the happy ones. She wouldn't want the memory of her to make us sad."
"She never was the kind of person who liked a frown was she? Whenever I was in the infirmary with one of my many ailments or injuries she always did everything she could to put a smile on to my face." He tells me smiling a little.
"You mean like sneaking you some ice cream that she'd sweet talked an airman into letting her have at midnight when you were in there once?"
He smiled.
"She was so funny that night. I think I was driving her mad with my whining. I was going really stir crazy and I could tell she was losing her patience a little so she asked me what it would take to make me shut up." He tells me laughing.
"And you said ice cream?" I ask him smiling.
"Well no... I said something rather..."
"Ah." I reply cottoning on to what Daniel was talking about and smiling as I try and think what Janet's reaction would have been to that.
"Anyway she told me that she didn't think you'd be very pleased if she was to fulfil that wish but that for her the next best thing was chocolate ice cream."
"Yep she always was a sucker for chocolate ice cream. She could get through almost a whole tub by herself if she was having a bad day." I tell him remembering some of those days when she hadn't been able to save someone and had come home looking so small and fragile that I'd immediately get a tub of ice cream from the freezer, pour her a glass of wine and hold her in my arms and wait until she was ready to talk about it.
"Of course I decided that ice cream would be good and of course I couldn't go and get any because I was injured, so she took it upon herself to go and get me some. As it was so late she was convinced that there wouldn't be any and so she sat on my bed for about half an hour running all of these plans she'd made to get some past me. It was like this whole big military operation just to get me something to eat. I ended up feeling really guilty because of the trouble but she was having none of it and then fifteen minutes after she had set off she was back, ice cream in hand and a huge grin on her face. She'd sweet talked one of the airman into getting her some."
"It was her eyes wasn't it? She had those gorgeous doe eyes that could get her anything that she wanted."
He nods, a look of affection on his face.
"Did it shut you up?" I then ask him smiling.
"Yeah it shut me up, but as I was the only person in the infirmary and I'd been a pain in the ass the whole day Janet made a point of sitting by my bed singing stupid songs as loudly as she could as payback so I couldn't get any sleep."
"That was our Jan. She was so bubbly wasn't she? She had such a wicked sense of humour."
"She was. At the SGC she was so professional and calm but out of work...she was so different. So energetic and lively and so funny."
"Can you remember that night when you came over and we had Cass' karaoke machine in the lounge?" I ask him.
"How could I forget that? What was it she made me get up and sing?"
"Wasn't it Bare Necessities from the Jungle Book?" I reply remembering Jan's fit of giggles as Daniel got up to sing.
He grins.
"She used to love watching me make a fool of myself." He tells me smiling fondly.
"No, she loved the fact that if she ever felt down you were a person she could rely on to bring a smile to her face. That day she'd lost one of her colleagues from the infirmary and she'd spent a lot of the day with her staff in tears. We'd arranged the karaoke night a couple of weeks before and she didn't want to cancel it because Cass was so looking forward to it and she wanted to spend some time with you. You brought some sunshine into her day doing that, she was so thankful for your friendship."
"I never knew that." He replied softly.
"Well now you do." I reply squeezing his hand.
"Do you remember that camping trip we went on? And Janet decided it'd be a good idea to tell ghost stories around the campfire?" He then asks me.
I grin remembering that night and how lovely it had been to lay under the stars with her in my arms before we went into the tent to try and sleep, Daniel and myself pointing out the constellations to her and Cass who lay enchanted by it all.
"And she scared herself so much by telling them that she made me get you out of your tent and come in ours because she was convinced there was something going to get us?" I reply remembering how Jan thought every noise from outside was something sinister and had made me go and get Daniel to protect us form whatever she thought was going to get us.
"She was so scared but I couldn't help laughing." He tells me.
"Me either." I reply. "And I felt so guilty when I saw her face."
"She got her own back when she started the pillow fight though." He comments looking at one of the photos of Janet, Cass him and me during one of our many escapades.
"Yeah and the tent collapsed and we all had to climb out and put it back up at one in the morning. It was a good night though. Really good." I reply fondly.
"It was. This is how she'd want us to remember her isn't it? This is exactly how she'd want it. She'd want us to remember all the good times we've had rather than the bad."
I smile softly.
"It is how she'd want it. She was always my little ray of sunshine. I don't think she'd want to be remembered in any other way. She'd want to be remembered for the unique and beautiful person she was, and for the things she accomplished in life, not for the way she died. Thank you for being so great with her Dan...thanks for keeping my girl smiling so much and thank you for being such a dear friend. She's so very grateful and I am too."
"I'm grateful to have known her and for the time I've spent with all of you. It was never a burden Sam, I hope you know that."
"I do. She does too." I reassure him. "Daniel? Can I ask you something?" I then ask him quietly wondering how to broach this subject with him without him possibly fearing for my sanity.
He nods.
"Do you believe that when a person leaves to us they can hear what we say to them? Do you believe that they can know how we're feeling and maybe when we need them most appear to us in some way?"
"I believe that the people we love are with us always. I don't believe the ties we had with them in life would evaporate in death. I believe that there have been so many people who have seen their loved ones after death that there could be something to it. Why?" He asks.
"Earlier on before you came... I was sitting outside and was... Not doing that good." I tell him looking at the floor. "And she was there and I spoke to her. I could see her and feel her and talk to her and it was just like she was here with me again. Do you think I'm mad?" I then ask him.
He shakes his head.
"Jan's life was cut very short and everyone's been so affected by it. It was so unexpected and so quick that I think she would want to come back and say the things she always thought she had more time to say. I think if people are taken away that quickly and unexpectedly then they do tend to have unfinished business. I'm sure that Jan was one of those people who would want to come back and reassure the people she loved most that she's okay and tell them how worried she is for them during the grieving process."
"You really don't think I'm mad?" I ask him.
He smiles at me warmly and puts an arm around my shoulder.
"No I don't. She was your angel here Sam, now she is wherever it is we go to when we die. I suppose no-one will really know if it was Jan's spirit you saw and spoke to or whether it was a dream, but if she could get here to help you and to reassure you she's okay and safe and that she's with you and Cass then I'm sure she'd do it."
"She said she was worried for you." I tell him watching as a saddened expression appears on his face.
"She did?" He asks as if unable to believe it.
"She did. She's so worried for you. She's so sorry that you saw what you did. She wishes you hadn't."
"I do too." He admits.
"She wants you to know that she's with you Daniel. She wants you to know how much it meant to her that you were there when she... She told me that if I couldn't be there she was glad it had been you. She was so grateful she didn't have to die alone."
"She was never alone." He tells me.
"I know." I reply softly so grateful for everything he did for my Jan. For how he protected her and watched over and was always there when she needed him... When we both needed him.
"She told me I had to watch over you for her you know?" I tell him. "She wants to watch you from heaven and wants me to watch you here. Doesn't that show you how special you were to her?"
He smiled.
"I'm never going to be able to shower again." He comments cheekily making me laugh.
I get up off the chair and walk over to the table, picking up the envelope with his name on. I walk back to the sofa and hold it out to him. He looks at me puzzled.
"A couple of weeks before she died Jan had a nightmare. She was crying and screaming in her sleep and when she woke up, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't comfort her or settle her. She told me she had something that had to be done before she slept and she sat up writing. She wrote a letter for Cass and me and then this...for you."
He reaches out, his hands shaking and takes the letter out of my hands and into his own. For a moment he just stares at it as if scared to open it up and read the words inside. One of the last ties that he has with Janet is in his hand and I can see he's afraid to read it, just like Cass and I were.
I rub his back tenderly.
"She sensed it was going to happen Dan." I tell him sadly.
"I can see that. Why didn't she say anything?" He asks me tearfully.
"She didn't want to worry me, you, Cass or anybody. We couldn't have stopped it Daniel you know that. She would have gone whether she knew what was going to happen or not. First and foremost she was a Doctor and she went there to save Lieutenant Wells' life. She would have done that whatever the cost because that was who she was. "
"She was very brave." He tells me.
"So were you before your ascension. You were both doing something for the greater good and I couldn't be prouder of you. " I tell him honestly.
"That was a difficult time for you...my ascension..."
"Of course it was. Dan you're my best friend and you were Jan's best friend. She fought so hard to save you and when she couldn't...it was so hard for all of us and such a sad time. She felt so guilty. She was devastated that she couldn't do anything more for you...much like what you're feeling now. Just think she had the medical expertise that you lacked on the planet she died, but she couldn't save you even with all that knowledge. She was so torn apart by it and so haunted. But we got you back Daniel, Jan's not coming back." I whisper wiping my puffy eyes.
Daniel pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly. I notice the letter still unopened in his hands.
"Do you want a minute?" I ask him motioning to the letter.
"No I'd uh..Like it if you were here." He tells me and I can see him silently bracing himself.
I rub his back again comfortingly, watching as he opens the letter, and then to give him a bit of privacy I walk over to the window and look out at the stars wondering if Janet is among them. I turn back a couple of minutes later to see tears falling from his piercing blue eyes and a soft smile on his face.
"You okay?" I ask him quietly walking back over to him and sitting at his side.
"Are you?" He replies.
"Okay stupid question." I reply smiling.
"She really did have a beautiful heart didn't she?" He tells me, his eyes focusing on the letter again, now seeming more comforted than he had been since that awful day.
"The most beautiful." I reply meaning it from the very depths of my own heart, thinking of all the lives Janet had saved and touched and how doting a mother and lover she had been through all of her days.
"Would you like to read it?" He asks holding the letter out to me.
I push it back to him and smile touched that he'd want to share something so special with me.
"Those words are for you and you alone Daniel. You treasure them okay? Along with her memory. Promise me you won't forget her." I plead with him.
"I don't think I ever could." He reassures me. Using his thumbs to wipe the tears from my cheeks.
"And promise me that you won't keep blaming yourself for her death. She doesn't blame you, I don't blame you, and Cass doesn't blame you...none of us do. You have to stop torturing yourself. She doesn't want that and I don't either. I know it hurts Daniel...trust me I'm hurting too so much, but if you keep on like this... We all have to be there for each other right now Dan. I need you all more than ever and I can see that you need us too. She hasn't left us, she's right here with us, and I know it. We can't keep remembering her death instead of who she was." I tell him trying to convince myself as well as him that we need to stop blaming ourselves and regretting things left unsaid and just remember the times we spent with such a wonderful woman and how blessed we are to have had her in our lives and still watching over us now.
"In time I'm sure that it'll be easier to do that...but right now..."
"Yeah." I reply sadly knowing it's all well and good to say these things but a lot harder to actually do them.
While I want to remember Janet for the person she was and for all the things she accomplished in her life and the time we spent together, which was the most cherished time of my life, right now, every time I remember her I feel so unbelievably sad. It just hits me so hard the way she was cruelly stolen away and how lifeless and fragile she looked when I saw her back at the base. The memories for Daniel, I realise, must be much, much worse.
"Thank you for calling me. I needed this, and thank you for giving me her letter. Inside my head isn't a very nice place to be right now and keeping things to myself...I just want to protect you, you know? From what I saw and from how it makes me feel. It's pretty unbearable." He explains unable to look at me.
"You don't need to protect me Daniel and you can't keep it all bottled up. I can't imagine the things you see inside your head at the moment but they might be easier to deal with if you share them, even if it is with me." I tell him unable to bear the thought of how terrible what he saw must have been, and how much it must be hurting him to keep seeing Jan's death in his mind over and over again, though knowing how hard I'd find it to hear about those things.
"Thank you but I couldn't do that to you." He tells me protectively, his blue eyes shining.
"Just don't let yourself fall to pieces Dan. I know we're all doing pretty well at that at the moment but I don't want you completely falling apart because you're keeping this to yourself. I wouldn't forgive myself and Jan wouldn't want that to happen because of her not being around. She was my partner Daniel and she was your best friend, I owe it to both of you to help you through this."
He smiles at me gratefully and kisses my forehead softly.
"You know if you ever need anything..." he tells me putting a hand on my shoulder and squeezing it.
I nod knowing he'd be the first person I'd call.
"I know." I reply softly. "The same goes for you, you know that right? You know where I am if you need to do this again?"
He nods.
"I still can't believe she that sensed it...that she wrote these letters They're like the last little piece of her." He tells me quietly.
"Yeah I know. Cass sat with ours for hours reading every word like it could bring Jan back. It's hard to know that it can't."
"But at least we have a little piece of her left. She cared enough to do this for us, to comfort us when she had a feeling we were going to need it. That's special because whenever we need her, in a way she's here through her words and in our hearts." He tells me.
As he says those words a gentle breeze flows between us, touching our faces, and then almost as quickly as it came it went.
"Did you...?" He begins.
"Yeah... Wow. That was definitely my little one. She said to me earlier that if I ever felt the wind caress my cheek..."
"She said that in my letter too. She's still with you Sam, watching over you and guiding you...she really is your angel."
"Not just mine, you felt it too."
" She's with us all. I think she needs us to remember that." He tells me.
"I think you're right." I reply, touching my cheek where I felt the gentle breeze caress it and smiling a little.
Daniel yawns.
"Look why don't you stay here tonight? The sofa's pretty comfy." I tell him wanting to keep an eye on him and concerned for him driving back home when he's so tired and distracted.
"I don't want to impose while you and Cass are grieving." He tells me, gently lifting himself up off the chair, the letter still in his hands, and placing her jacket carefully back on the arm of the sofa.
"You're grieving too and you're shattered Daniel. I don't want you driving like this. I'd feel better knowing you were here." I tell him putting a hand on his arm and gently pushing him back down. "Please do this for me? I'm worried about you. Besides Cass would love to see you and she's fast asleep at the moment."
"Okay, as long as I'm not imposing."
"You're not. I'll go grab some blankets and a duvet for you. You just get settled." I tell him kissing him on the forehead before leaving the room. I make my way upstairs to get some blankets for the haunted man who has meant so much to Jan and I since we first met. A man who is now in pieces along with so many more of us that my darling lover has left behind.
As I go to get some blankets I peep into our room and check on Cass. She's fast asleep on Janet's side of the bed, her mothers teddy bear pulled close to her. She looks so peaceful, but her cheeks are still red from all the crying she's done since her mothers passing, tears that I haven't been able to stop falling from her wise young eyes, a young heart that hasn't begun to heal yet.
I walk over to her quietly so as not to wake her and sit on the bed beside her watching her sleep, stroking her long blond hair off her face. She looks so innocent. So angelic. Looking at her now you'd hardly be able to believe all the grief and trauma our sweet daughter has been through in her short life.
As I watch her I think back to the moment she came into our lives and the strong bond that had immediately developed between us during her time on the base. I would have done anything to protect that little girl since the very first moment we found her and I still would. I'd do absolutely anything to make sure she was safe and happy and that she knows how loved she is.
Janet has done such a good job raising Cass and helping her through everything she's had to deal with. I was always so proud every time I saw Janet with Cass. So proud as I watched Cassie grow into the young woman she is now. So compassionate and caring just like her mother. I always wonder if I'd have done as well if I'd adopted Cassie but then Janet and I wouldn't have happened. Janet wouldn't have had the little girl brought into her life that had changed it. The little girl who she said was one of the best things that ever happened to her, probably the best. Janet and Cass belonged together, they fit together as mother and daughter and had such a bond that no-body could break it. She loved being a mother so much.
Now though Jan has been taken away from us. Now I have to take care of Cass without her. I know I can do it, I love that little girl so much and that bond that we built the first few days we met is still one that exists now and one I cherish. I just hope I can keep her mothers memory alive and that I will be able to look after her in a way that Janet would be proud of.
As Cassie turns over, still fast asleep, I pull the duvet up over her and tuck her in gently. I kiss her on the forehead and continue to watch her, our little girl, peacefully asleep.
A few minutes later I kiss her again on the cheek and then go and get the blankets for Daniel. I can't believe how much he's been torturing himself over this. I can understand why he has, he was right there as she lay dying and couldn't do a thing for her, and from Jan's experience when Daniel had ascended I know exactly what he's going through. I had to see her going through the same thing, and never had I felt so helpless as the woman I loved tortured herself every day for so long. He feels so guilty, like it's his fault that she's gone and I can't bear it, just like I couldn't bear seeing Jan beating herself up over the fact that with all her medical knowledge she couldn't save our friend what must have been a year ago now almost.
I hope my words tonight have comforted him. Just having him here and talking about Jan has comforted me more than I can ever express to him. I hope Janet's words in the letter she left for him comforted him too. She doesn't blame him for this, and hearing him say that he thought she'd be wishing it were him who had died and not her tear at my heart. Janet was never the kind of person to think that way, she would never wish her passing on anyone else and I can't bear that he thinks that the woman that blessed our days could be angry with him for living while she passed on. That was never the kind of woman she was. I only hope that with time he can accept what happened for what it was, a tragic end to the life of a dear friend, lover and mother...a beautiful and accomplished life. Not something he should be blaming himself for. Not the day that he should have died so I could still be with her.
I've never seen him so haunted before. Even when Shau'ri died I never saw him like this, but then what he saw that day must have been terrible. No one can prepare himself or herself for death. I know that. I've seen so many colleagues and people on the many planets we've visited killed and no matter how many times you're confronted by it nothing can stop the grief. For it to happen to someone you're close to thought ...someone you love, who's just taken away right in front of you, and then to see them laying there bleeding with nothing else to be done...
It's hard enough for me to think about Jan's passing and I didn't see it, but for Daniel it must be torture. It was hard that day for me to see the Colonel hit. It's something that keeps playing in my mind over and over now because my Jan had to go through the same pain that he did although hers only lasted a second before she passed away. For Daniel though, he had to see her hit, and hear her scream, and to see how unexpected and cruel it was. He had to see her laying there lifeless, her eyes still open...he had to see that and now he has to live with it every day. I don't think I could do it. I don't know how he's even beginning to do it.
All I want is to be able to help Daniel through this but I'm not sure where to start. All I know is Jan wants me to watch over him. She wants him to know how much he meant to her and how grateful she is to have had him there when she needed someone most. I'm grateful for that too because she was so loved that she never deserved to die alone. She never deserved to die at all...but she has, and he was there and I'm so thankful she was with someone who loved her, though sad in a way that it wasn't me.
Grieving is such a painful process. One that lingers and hurts and is all encompassing. Even though I know Janet's with us, watching over us, protecting us and guiding us, and most of all loving us from where she is now it doesn't make it any easier that she's not here. In time I'm sure our days will get less dark. I'm sure that it'll be easier to take every breath and to get through the day without tears clouding our vision or an incredible pain in our hearts because of our loss. But with her passing a part of each of us was taken away, and it's something we'll never get back. She's forever in our hearts. Never to be forgotten and always to be loved because Daniels right, the ties that we have with our loved ones in life don't evaporate in death. They're still there, maybe stronger than before as we reach out to them with our tears. I'm convinced that gentle breeze we both felt as we were talking earlier was Jan showing us just that. That whenever our hearts reach to her, whenever we need her the most she'll be there with us always, just as she was in life and that comforts me a little. Even though not physically here she hasn't left us in spirit or in our hearts, and as long as we remember her she will, in some way, be alive. Knowing that makes the grief easier to deal with somehow, but it also makes me miss her all the more.
I was never sure if I believed in life after death but tonight my mind's a lot more open to it. Jan was always the kind of person who would want to come back to comfort her loved ones and say the words that she never got to say. Tonight she has, and while part of me screams out that it was a dream or a hallucination, deep in my heart I know my girl really was here. I know that she was here to reassure me of her love, to reassure me she's safe and sound and at peace, and to reassure me that one day we will meet again amongst the stars.
After finding the blankets I make my way downstairs and back into the lounge where Daniel is asleep peacefully on the sofa. I carefully place the blanket over him so he doesn't get cold; hoping that tonight he doesn't have the nightmares that have been plaguing him since Jan's passing. I then go around the house and turn off all the lights, every room reminding me of Jan, the house the quietest it's been since I've lived here. The house so quiet without her laughter.
Finally I walk back into the lounge and check on Daniel once more. He's still fast asleep. I smile to myself. He looks so sweet, like a little boy away in the land of dreams. You wouldn't think lying there was the man who had been crying in my arms earlier.
"Watch over him in his sleep my darling. Let him have sweet dreams. And watch over our baby too." I ask quietly looking up at the ceiling as if expecting some kind of reply or sign that she heard me.
There's nothing.
Yawning I make my way upstairs, change and wash and then climb into bed, Cassie still fast asleep at my side.
I turn to face her, stroke her blond hair away from her rosy cheeks, and watch her facial expressions change in her sleep. I find myself in awe of our daughter and how she's grown from the little girl she was when she first arrived to the young woman that she is today. When she first came here, some nights when she had nightmares about her home planet, both Janet and I used to sit and watch her together until she fell asleep again. She wouldn't even try and sleep again unless one or both of us sat with her until she drifted off. Those nights were some of the most precious. We could sit and watch her for hours, just enjoying each other's company and looking at her little face. As she got older she didn't need us to do that anymore, but now once again I find myself in awe of her, just like when I watched her when she was little, only now I'm doing it without Janet.
"Sweet dreams our little girl." I whisper softly to our daughter before tiredly closing my eyes and willing sleep to come.
"Sweet dreams my Sammie." I hear whispered in my ear as a tender kiss is planted on my cheek by our angel and I drift off into my first peaceful sleep since her passing.