Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this fic…except for Neal, Dean, Haldon, Peters, Mr. Crocelli, Steven, Jeffery. If I DID own the characters (Uh, DPS ones, obviously!), I'd have Charlie all to myself! And the things we could do in that Indian cave! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
However, in this chapter, we see more of the vulnerable side of our beloved Nuwanda. Hope you have the hankies ready! ahaha
"What are you thinking, Peters?" Charlie pressed.
"Things I shouldn't." Peters sighed.
"Hey. I'm drunk. I won't remember a goddamned thing in the morning." Charlie laughed. "You read my problem. So, what's eating at you?"
"You ever wanted someone that you knew you could never have?" Peters accepted the whiskey Charlie handed to him.
"We all have at some point in our lives, Peters." Charlie pulled out another bottle of whiskey. "But that's what makes life interesting."
"That's not the point, Charlie." As Peters said that, Charlie remembered Knox leaning against the bulletin board near the phone after calling Kris.
"Then what is the point?" Charlie was having what he felt was a strong case of déjà vu.
"The point, Charlie…" Damn déjà vu! Charlie thought to himself as Peters sighed. "The point is that I'll never have who I want." Peters took a long swallow of the whiskey.
"Whatever happened to 'Carpe Diem', Peters?" Charlie opened the extra bottle. "You may wind up with the lovely girl of your dreams if you want it bad enough." He took a long sip.
"'Carpe Diem' exists only in a world where one will not be condemned for seizing the day." Peters remarked, shaking off the new bottle Charlie was offering, showing him he had the old one.
"And 'gathering rosebuds while ye may'" Charlie drunkenly laughed, remembering the first class of Mr. Keating's.
"Exactly." Peters sipped another bit of whiskey, feeling its effects immediately. "The point is that, while 'Carpe Diem' is a good sentiment to have, it's not always reasonable to just seize the moment."
Charlie looked at his roommate and recalled words Mr. Keating had spoken the very first day. "We are food for worms, Peters. Either you live for the moment or you live for the future. Remember Thoreau said that he didn't want to come to die to discover he had not lived. You cannot live for both the present and the future. One day, Peters, you'll come to your deathbed and your eyes will be closing in death and you'll regret one thing: that you are dying and discover you hadn't lived. That will be your regret."
"What is it you regret, Charlie?" Peters changed the subject from him to Charlie. My regret, my only regret, is never being able to be with you. I'll never be able to hold you close and comfort you when you're sad or wipe your tears as you cry. As I lay dying, that will be my regret: unrequited love.
"Peters?"
"Yeah?"
"Cal me 'Nuwanda'."
"Why 'Nuwanda'?"
"Because that's my name." Charlie smiled.
"Okay, Nuwanda. What is it you regret?"
Charlie paused a moment. "I regret not letting Neil know what a great friend he was."
"Our Neal?"
"No. Neil Perry. The kid from Welton who killed himself." Charlie leaned back. "He was a good kid with a father that was too overbearing."
"Like your dad?"
"Oh no!" Charlie sat straight up. "Despite his need to control Neil's life, Mr. Perry loved his son. I'd place money on that. When we saw him at Neil's funeral, he could…he was…it hurt him to…while he didn't cry, you could see the pain. Mr. Perry never cried in public. But, Neil was his only child and…there's no doubt he loved him. My father is overbearing with me because he expects me to be just like William or Michael. Mostly William. Their disappointment in Michael stopped when he became a successful lawyer. Beautiful wife. Brand new beautiful baby girl." Nuwanda took a long swallow from the new whiskey bottle. "But, then again…they were never truly disappointed in him anyway."
Peters sat closer to Charlie and patted his shoulder. "Let's get you back to bed. Come on." He stood and attempted to help Charlie stand. The end result was Charlie losing his balance and falling in such a manner Peters ended up on top of him.
Charlie found the situation funny and started laughing. "Yes, Peters. Let's get me to bed!" He howled.
Peters made no attempt to move, but just looked at Charlie, who seemed to be completely oblivious to things at this point. "How drunk are you really, Nuwanda?"
"Let's just say I'm thankful tomorrow's Saturday and I don't have class. I have had at least two and a half bottles of whiskey and…why?"
Peters shrugged as he helped Charlie stand. "Because…ah, forget it. Come on."
Charlie refused to move. "You've been dancing around a bush all night. What is it you're trying to say? Tips for wooing women? First of all…" His words were cut off by Peters hand covering his lips. Pushing them away, Charlie looked at Peters. "What was that for?"
"You want someone to hear? Jesus, Charlie. You're a loud drunk and I'm sure you've woken up half of Albany by now."
"Even though we're a couple miles away?" Charlie laughed.
"Come on, Charlie." Peters took the hand of his obsession and started walking to the front of the cave. Charlie tripped on a rock and landed face down in the mud, bringing Peters down with him. "Come on, Charlie." He tried to stand up, but slipped in the mud, causing Charlie to laugh harder.
Charlie sat up and wiped some mud off his face. "Peters, maybe I should wait until I'm sober enough to even walk."
Peters sat up and helped wipe mud off of Charlie's face. "Maybe, but you do need to get to bed. You're too drunk to stay out here alone."
Charlie hung his head. "But I want to be alone with the ghosts of my life."
If Charlie Dalton didn't just sober up. Peters thought as he took a seat on a rock. "You're not staying out here alone when you're drunk, Nuwanda." A cold wind blew suddenly in the cave. "You might freeze to death." Peters sat next to Charlie. "Come on. I'll stay with you for a while, okay?"
"Okay." Charlie suddenly didn't feel so alone. He sat next to Peters and put his head on his shoulder. "Why are you here?"
Peters felt his heart racing at Charlie's closeness. "When you didn't show up for 'lights out', I knew something had to be up. You seemed to be withdrawn most of the day and it all started last night at mail call. Well, now I know why. Charlie, no matter what your family says about you, you're no disappointment." Peters didn't know why, but he placed his head on Charlie's and was surprised when the latter didn't try to move.
"You've not known me long enough, Peters."
"When you first came here, you were unstoppable. You were arrogant and confident. Don't let your family…your brother's words take that from you. It is what drew people…what draws people…to you, Charlie. It's why we all clamor to be near you." He felt Charlie look at him. "It's why I…" Peters stopped and held his head up.
"Why you what?" Charlie looked up at his roommate, keeping his head on Peters' shoulder as it kept the cave from spinning too much.
"Nothing. I feel the whiskey and I talk nonsense when I've had something to drink like that." Peters shifted uncomfortably, knowing the urge to kiss Charlie was growing stronger the longer the two of them sat in that cave. He felt Charlie sigh. "What's wrong?"
"No one ever really tells people what we really feel, do we? We always hide it like it's some sort of secret we can never reveal for if we do, we reveal ourselves and we're too scared to. Well, except for my family. They've revealed how they feel about me." Charlie sat up, tears streaming down his mud stained cheeks.
Peters wiped a couple stray tears from Charlie's cheek. "It's their loss, Nuwanda, not yours. You…you're perfect the way you are. Rebellious. Strong willed. Confident. You know who you are and you're happy with it." His hand stayed on Charlie's cheek. Still Charlie made no effort to move. Peters felt that Charlie was too drunk to move and he looked at his roommate and felt his heart soften at the sad forlorn look replacing the cocky confident one. "I so admire that about you, Nuwanda." Peters voice softened. "It's what we all so admire." And what I love.
"I know I was a jackass to you when I first came, Peters." Alcohol was present on Charlie's breath. "I guess it's because you remind me so much of Todd and…well, Neil had just died and I couldn't…wouldn't let myself be vulnerable again." He looked at Peters, slightly aware of the former's hand on his cheek, softly wiping tears. "But, you're the only one I could talk to tonight. The only one who'd understand." Charlie couldn't explain why his heart was beating faster and he suddenly felt nervous.
"Well, I'm glad I could be of some service." Peters kept his voice low. The closeness to Charlie was too much to bear and he leaned in and softly kissed him. To his surprise, Charlie didn't pull away at first, but Peters felt that he had taken advantage of his drunken friend and pulled away. "I'm sorry, Charlie. I just…I don't…" His words were cut off from Charlie's lips. Peters could taste the alcohol and prayed that Charlie wouldn't remember this in the morning, but for now, as the kiss deepened, he was going to enjoy the feel of Charlie 'Nuwanda' Dalton in his arms, kissing him.