Lesson #2 - Ablutions and Home Hygiene: A Proper Guide for the Proper Mer

-I-

"Ahhh perfect," she said, "this is why I built my main estate in Falkreath, though Whiterun has more sunny days collectively, the light off the water here tends to be stronger."

Sissel nodded, feeling slightly unsteady. Irissare had woken her at the crack of dawn so she could finish her chores early and meet her down at the lake for some private 'fem talk'. She had rushed to the lakeside thinking she was to be reprimanded for something only to come to a dead stop. The sight of a fully nude Irissare lying spread eagle on a pile of furs strategically placed on a dry bank of sand would render anyone speechless.

"Oh this is sublime, what glorious sunshine!" the Altmer purred, "I can tell this is going to be a fantastic day …"

Sissel watched in morbid fascination as a visible, well, 'glitter' wasn't entirely appropriate, but it was all she could think of to describe the phenomenon that shimmered around the mer.

"Join me child, there is more than enough sun to go around." Irissare patted the furs next to her. "Here, let me help. We will not have weather like this again for a while yet." Her guardian proceeded to unbutton the new overcoat she'd purchased for her. Irissare nodded in satisfaction at her newly bared arms. "Divines you are pale! Hmph, I know Nords do not need nearly as much sun as high elves, but it is not healthy being stuck indoors all day."

As opposed to the fear of frostbite and amputation via blacksmith because your village is such a backwater that no alchemist or mage-healer in their right mind would ever consider settling? It wasn't fair of her, she knew that, some people would never know that uncertainty or the lack of options that come from living in such a place. Nobody chooses the circumstances of their birth. And though she can practically taste Irissare's privileged upbringing, there's something about her eyes that tells of other demons.

Sissel fidgeted and awkwardly tried to avoid line of sight with the bare flesh currently on display for all and sundry. It was difficult; despite her mortification she was unreasonably curious. Gods. What if Blaise wandered down here? The road was right there anyone could stumble upon them! Wasn't this public indecency? "How long do you need to … do this?" She could feel a blush suffuse her cheeks as Irissare flopped backwards. The elf didn't seem to have a normal mer physique, she had a generous chest which was definitely not the norm. She was kinda short too. She wondered why. Erik would've said she was 'blessed by Dibella' (of course Erik was also a notorious skirt chaser—despite his new-found obsession with adventuring—and would say anything to woo his lady friends).

Irissare waved her hand indolently. "I suppose I have had enough but it is just so …" she sighed and stretched her arms then promptly dissolved into giggles. Giggles. The Altmer almost looked like she'd had one mead too many. Was she sloshed? Going by the look of exquisite rapture on her face she suspected it was more than that. It was such a bizarre contrast with the soft-spoken and dignified mer who'd whisked her away it was almost disturbing.

"Irissare?"

"Hmmm?"

"Why are you all sparkly?"

"I suspect it has something to do with Aldmeri ancestry, superior breeding and all," she said her lip curled in a grimace. "Beyond that I have no idea. I am no scholar." She yawned and rolled onto her front.

"So it's normal?" Sissel said tentatively.

"It is entirely natural … fortifies the blood so I am told. Admittedly, we tend to get a bit tetchy without our sunbathing; it is every bit a part of Altmeri hygiene as a good ice-bath is for a Nord. I am sure the Dunmer have some equivalent," she drawled, "probably something to do with pumice."

Sissel frowned. What the hagraven was pumice?

"The Imperials love their saunas of course; I will not even venture to guess what the Bosmer do."

"But do you have to be completely … exposed? Aren't you worried about getting in trouble?"

Irissare chortled. "Oh I have had a few guards come by—," she said and casually speared a mudcrab attempting to circumnavigate their furs. Sissel tried to ignore its hapless death throes but the squealing was piercing. She didn't have a stitch on her, where had that dagger even come from?

"—but they do not mind, their lips are sealed. Regardless, I would not imitate those Thalmor sycophants for all the spiced wine in Solitude, they have tan lines everywhere and I do mean everywhere."

Sissel leant back warily as Irissare rolled onto her side, an impish grin on her face. "So how are you getting along with darling Blaise?"

Darling Blaise was it? No wonder he was jealous. "He's … nice. I think he was expecting a brother though."

"Oh?"

"All he wants to do is play 'Dungeons and Dragons' and if I don't play he pulls my hair," she said distractedly. Was she imagining things or were her arms turning red? It really was an abnormally hot day …

"Does he now?"

Irissare's voice had a tone of such smug satisfaction Sissel decided it was time to find Rayya. The past season in her new home had taught her to look to the Alik'r steward when things got a little too much. She had a calm nature and nothing seemed to faze her. The drama which followed Irissare around like a bad smell seemed to unravel or was at least mitigated in part by the Redguard. She was unyielding and Sissel was just as much in awe of her as she was Irissare. Maybe she'd have some sort of Hammerfell remedy for her sunburn?

Sissel made to stand when something flickered in the corner of her eye. Her head whipped around to stare at a clump of bushes immediately to the left just off the road. An unnerving cackling sent her heart racing.

"Ohhh hooo hoooooo! Cicero thinks the little girl spies something … hmmmm what does she see? What does she spy with her little eyyyyeee? Maybeeeee something beginning with 'C'?"

Irissare moaned and started pulling on her clothes. "Just ONE day that is all I desired! Cease and desist Cicero. You are scaring the poor child half to Sithis."

A man burst from the bushes—seemingly distraught—though he capered over to them. "LISTENER! Oh Lisssstttennerr, she is yours. ALL YOURS. Never would Cicero do such a thing!"

The man was a redhead and he wore the oddest outfit. It had obviously been colourful in its heyday but was now patched and faded a dull maroon. It was stained … Sissel ducked to cower behind Irissare. She did not like this man.

"Why were you lurking back there? Cicero were you spying on me?" Irissare sounded genuinely peeved.

The man made an alarming wailing sound and flailed his arms. "It's just, it's JUST, the Listener hasn't come to visit in soooo loooonnnggg. And Cicero wondered if she'd left FOREVER! So Cicero decided to come fiinnnnddd the Listener, and CICERO did. And then Cicero SAW the Listener and—"

Irissare sighed. "Oh very well, it is no matter. You might as well come in for lunch. I will have Rayya cook us up some mudcrab stew."

Sissel looked between them: an obviously deranged man probably in service to Sheogorath and Irissare, Dragonborn. Her shoulders slumped; perhaps she'd go play with Blaise after all because this … whatever 'this' was, she wasn't even going to ask.

-I-

A/N: Probably one of the most ridiculous aspects of the Meyer vampire mythology was the vampire disco effect in sunlight. But I think the Altmer don't glitter even half so much and only in very bright sunlight (obviously that's once in a blue moon in Skyrim) but also goes someway to explaining why the Thalmor are all so grumpy. Vitamin D deficiency. Hm. I just made my DB into an Edward didn't I?