I stayed up until 4 in the morning reading Dreams of Joy last night. I really love this book and the prequel Shanghai Girls. I didn't like how Tao became such an evil character though, so I decided to write this. Enjoy!

Disgust

Timeline: Occurs during "A Good Mother"

"All is disgust when a man leaves his own nature and does what is unfit."
-Sophocles

After the horror of discovering Sung-ling's sickly baby in place of my own, about to be eaten by a pack of starving wolves I once thought of as my family, I run straight to the little girl's home and burst inside, shrieking, "Where is Sam? Where is my daughter?" My chest feels tight all the way down to my heart, which beats wildly and erratically. It feels as though someone is squeezing it. Sam is squeezing it. My love for her and fear for her life is tearing me apart from the inside. If anything has happened to her, I will surely die of a broken heart before the starvation that continues to gnaw my insides can kill me.

I see Sam on the table in a state of affairs similar to the one I just left. They both look at Sam with ravenous eyes, but at least they weep as they practically drool over her, not totally devoid of human emotion. I hand Sung-ling's infant to her, feeling almost disgusted with myself for handing her over so easily to those who would harm her, but what can I do? She is still her mother after all. I hug Sam so hard that she cries. It is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard – more comforting than my mother's lullaby when I was a little girl and more innocent and full of life than even the happiest song. I begin to leave the parents of that poor child to their shame, when Party Secretary Feng Jin speaks.

"Wait, don't forget this," he says, pointing to the bloody man curled up in fetal position on the floor. In my panic to get to Sam, I did not notice my husband lying nearly unconscious on the floor. I had actually stepped over him in an effort to reach Sam, not realizing the heap of clothes on the floor was actually my husband. My error is partly the mistake of how much Tao has shrunk— both in physical size and in terms of the respect I have for him— in my eyes.

"Joy?" he says, squinting to recognize me. It must be hard to do with two black eyes.

"I should leave you here for what you did to our daughter, for what you almost let happen!" My voice breaks then from the emotion of just thinking about what evilness had almost transpired here. I look at Sam's face again to remind myself that she is okay.

"At least then someone would get a good meal," I tilt my head suggestively towards Sung-ling and her husband, who seem to nod in agreement. "You're halfway dead already."

I know deep in my heart he came here to save Sam after he thought about what was about to occur. The evidence of his change of heart and the way he'd fought like hell to get Sam back is written all over his bruised face. It says a wordless apology stronger than anything he could ever vocalize. He is bruised and bloody, yet his love for his daughter that he has never shown openly before today fills my heart with warmth...temporarily.

"He came back here to change our minds," Sung-ling says weakly. Of course she says this weakly, because now everything she does is with the least amount of effort possible. Everything that anyone in our village does is halfhearted, except for Tao's fight for our daughter. This is the first time I've seen anyone put real effort into something since starvation became our way of life. It surprises me to remember what real effort looks like.

"You should take him back," Party Secretary Feng Jin says. I know he means more than just taking him back home, which I would have to do if he could be expected to survive, especially as Sung-ling's stomach continues to rumble, reminding us all of our collective hunger, the only real thing unifying the village anymore.

"Come here, baichi," I say. This is the first time I have ever openly insulted my husband, aside from the day I asked for a divorce, despite everything he has done to me and said against me. I feel the situation deems it appropriate. No one protests, least of all Tao. I throw his arm over me. He stumbles. He is so frail now, hardly more than bones and skin. I try to remove any feeling from my heart. No. I will not feel pity for the man that almost let our daughter be eaten by these cannibals. Even if he only agreed to it for five seconds before he changed his mind, it is still five seconds too long.

On the way home, Tao mumbles apology after apology. I have never seen a man more humble and broken. Still, I try not to let him anywhere near our daughter as I do my best to balance my husband on one side and my daughter on the other. If they were not both so sick and thin from our life circumstances, and thus light, I'm not sure I would be able to manage it.

"Joy, I am so sorry," my husband says. "My mother…she convinced me that it was the only way to save myself and my brothers. She told me that Sam was just a girl, and not worth as much as a single brother. She said that we…you and I…could always have more children once the famine ended and we were both healthy again. Maybe sons next time."

I wrinkle my nose. The thought of having another child with Tao makes my stomach spin like an empty washing machine. I haven't felt this nauseous since I was pregnant with Sam, our first and definitely our last child. The gesture did not go unnoticed by Tao, who paused momentarily by my open revulsion before continuing.

"I fell for it because it was impossible to look at the faces of my brothers and condemn them to death. Better to sacrifice one to save the others. It made sense at the time. But as soon as Sung-ling left with the baby…not five minutes later the silence of her being gone…because Sung-ling's baby is sick and quiet …not five minutes later I ran to get Sam back. I guess I should have remembered to bring Sung-ling's baby like you did, because her husband beat me and refused to give me Sam. He said I'd probably already eaten their baby and was going to eat Sam too."

I shudder. A long pause settles between us. This was my mother-in-law's idea. I don't doubt it for a second. She never hid her displeasure with me or the fact that I had a daughter and not a desired son. I could easily see her saying all the things that Tao has accused her of. How can I possibly face this woman now? I am fearful for Sam and myself, and what will become of us if we stay. I decide that after I drop Tao off, I will grab the baby formula, my money, a set of clothes, and make a break for it. Anything has to better than here.

"Joy, say something. Anything. Please," he begs. I stop. We are at his house. I look him dead in the eyes, my face mere inches from his.

"You disgust me," I say before I open the door to this house of sin and drop him on the floor. He whimpers like a blind, wounded animal. My mother-in-law races over to him. I can't help but snicker.

"How dare you return him in such a condition!" she hisses.

I laugh.

"You think I did this? Ha. Trust me, I would have done a lot worse."

I collect the essentials for my escape and leave. I don't look back.