When I woke up in the morning, I couldn't wait to get dressed and get ready. I wanted to see Allen. Badly. To my relief, no bad thoughts started to pop up in my brain. I hated when that happened, I hated it so much. Maybe it would be a while until I had to worry about them coming back. Maybe the cut last night was deep enough to suppress them forever. I doubted that would happen but I was hopeful. I then noticed that there was a red spot on the sleeve of my sweater. I rolled it up carefully to find that the gauze was almost completely covered in blood. I ran into my bathroom and switched the bandages. The cut was starting to barely stick together. I would still need to keep it bandaged together.

When I walked out of the bathroom, Alex was sitting on my bed. I stood there frozen. I wasn't wearing a shirt. Her mouth was wide open, she was staring at my arm. I turned right around and ran into the bathroom. I tried to lock it but I was too late. She was in the bathroom, staring at my arm. I didn't know what to stay. She vary carefully grabbed my arm and then examined the wounds.

"Justin, these, these are bad. Did you do it to yourself?" I didn't answer. Instead, I just sat there and looked anywhere but at her. "Why? Why did you do this to yourself."

Alex was staring at me with such concern in her eyes. How could I tell her that she was the reason. I couldn't do that. No one in the right mind could ever tell anyone that it's their fault another one is going down a path of destruction.

"I-I do it because there is all this pressure to be perfect. Everyone thinks that I can achieve all these amazing things and that I can end up being this great person, but I can't. That's not me. I'm a failure, a fuckup. I'll never amount to anything good in life. I can never measure up to the standard that everyone expects me to. It's too much. I'm a disappointment." I couldn't believe what I had just done. I felt so ashamed. I wouldn't let myself cry. I couldn't. She wrapped herself around me.

"I probably don't help. All I ever do is make things worse for you. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," I mumbled. When she pulled away, I quickly tried to get out of the bathroom.

"I won't tell anyone," she said as I left the room. At least I didn't make her cry. When I got onto the street I immediately noticed Allen, sitting on a bench. I tried hard to contain my excitement as I walked over to him. When he noticed me he stood up and greeted me with a half hug. I felt myself get butterflies. As we walked and talked I felt myself getting happier and more relaxed. Around lunch time we went to the vegan restaurant again. This time he got a meal for us to split. I kept getting distracted watching him eat. It was quit an attractive sight.

"Justin?" Allen asked, repeating himself.

"Huh?" I asked unaware he had asked me something. He started laughing at me.

"I asked you when you'll have room on your calendar to hang out again."

"Well with school and homework, probably not until next weekend."

"That sucks. Well after we finish eating I'll have to get going. I'm visiting my uncle to help him move." I nodded my head at him and found myself staring at him again. I caught myself before he did and spent the rest of the time focusing on eating and not drooling.

After Allen dropped me back off at the sub station, I climbed up the stairs and locked myself in my room then went to the bathroom. My razor blade was sitting on the counter still. I picked it up and gently rubbed my thumb against the sharp edge, lightly enough that it wouldn't puncture skin. I noticed a small note was rolled up and taped on the other side of it. I peeled the tape off of it and unrolled it.

Please don't do it Your worth more then that

I chuckled slightly at Alex's grammar mistakes. I tucked the note away into the pocket of my shirt and set the blade back down. I'd had no intentions of using it, but it was nice to know that Alex cared. But it didn't change the fact that I was still gay and that still would make me a disappointment in my parents eyes.

When I woke up the next morning I sighed. I so did not want to want to go back to school. This so wasn't like me. Well at least, not what anyone thought was like me. Normally, I couldn't wait for the weekend to end so I could go back to school and fit everyone's expectations. When I walked downstairs, I once again tried to avoid my parents but to my dismay my dad was standing in front of the door.

"Uh-uh mister, you're not leaving for school until you've eaten breakfast first."

I sighed then took my place at the table. The scrambled eggs and toast just wasn't appetizing. My mother was giving me a very concerned look.

"I'm fine. Just not quite hungry yet. I'll eat something when I get to school," I mumbled as I started to clear my plate. I knew that was a big lie and I was pretty sure that my parents knew that too. When lunch finally rolled around my stomach was growling but I didn't seem to notice. I sat at the lunch table with my normal group of friend and fumbled with my phone in my hands and stared at the floor. Almost immediately I started to think about Allen. I wanted to kiss him. I felt myself blushing.

"Looks like Justin is pretty sick. Better get him to the doctor. He's got a serious case of crush. Who is she?" Zeke teased. I just rolled my eyes and tried to control my blushing. "So there is a girl. Hmm. What lucky lady in this cafeteria has Justin falling for her?" I didn't reply but continued to focus on the pattern of the tiles on the floor. He and a few of my other friends started speculating over who she was but I really didn't care. I could not wait until this weekend. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage four more days without him. I hadn't known this man for more than two days and I wanted to kiss him and feel him and taste him and wanted to love him. God, my thoughts got perverted really fast.

Two more days ticked by making it Wednesday night. The anticipation was becoming pregnant and ever-present in my mind. I was about to explode with excitement. How was I going to last until Friday night? Simply, I wasn't; and pretty soon I was in my bathroom, wrist over the toilet and blood dripping off my arm. I had run out of room on my left arm and they had spread onto my right arm. The scars had started to fade on the first two shallow cuts I'd made. God, these were bad. But they kept satisfying me and I didn't get so anxious and nervous. I got a little calm for a little while. When they were cleaned off and bandaged I flushed away my blood and my problems and then went to bed.

Friday night had finally come. Yesterday came with a few more deep cuts. But now I was going to see Allen. We'd agreed to meet in the park. The second I saw his gorgeous face my feet were practically sprinting and I tried to contain my absolute joy. I wrapped my arms around him and instantly felt better in his arms. I didn't want to let go. I could just die in his arms. I could collapse and break down in his arms and I somehow knew I would be safe. When we finally pulled away I had the biggest grin on my face and my heart was threatening to explode from my chest.

"Oh my god I missed you," I couldn't get the words out fast enough.

"I missed you too, Justin. How have you been?" I nervously grabbed at the hem of one of my sleeves.

"Good. School's been stressing me out." We walked into the thicker part of the trees in the park until we were secluded and sat down on a patch of grass in a small clearing.

"Is that all?" he gave me a doubtful look.

"I-I don't really want to talk about it." I looked to the ground as if it would give me the answers.

"It's ok. I won't force you to share anything you don't want to. But I hope you'll tell me when you're comfortable, and not when it's too late." He gave me another hug and for the rest of the time together we mostly laid together and I snuggled into his arm that was wrapped around me. Occasionally one of us would say something, but for the most part it was just silent and peaceful. After a little while, I fell asleep, safe in his arms. When I woke up the sky was dark and Allen was gently tugging my arm.

"It's starting to get late. Let me walk you home."

As we walked we held hands and before he left me he gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. When I walked inside the shop was closing up and luckily none of my family saw. I collapsed on the couch and was going to turn on the tv but instead resumed my sleep and thought of Allen. I was getting so dependent on him and I hadn't know him for that long. Is that what love at first sight was? Seeing someone that just instantly you put all of your trust into? Taking a gigantic leap over an abyss of risk? I didn't care.

Meeting Allen had caused me to realize something huge about myself. My whole life I'd tried to deny it but it had been so obvious to myself. I was gay. It was like realizing a book you had misplaced was actually in plain sight the entire time. I felt like a total idiot. I just needed to learn acceptance.