Determination

Timeline: This also occurs during "A Good Mother" after Joy returns

Returning in defeat is a shame I can barely endure, but where else can I go? I need time to think of a plan. In the meantime, I need a place to stay to avoid the threat of becoming someone's next meal.

I enter the shack I tried to think of as a home for so long, silently reciting a wicked prayer that someone has died and provided the others with enough nourishment so that they won't look at Sam as though she is food instead of a human being.

I am stunned to discover an almost empty house, except for Tao lying on the floor, bleeding and wounded, just like I left him.

"You shouldn't have come back," he says.

"I have nowhere else to go."

After he tells me about his mother and the little children being buried alive, I am torn between a sadness that comes from the deepest part of my soul that aches for the pain of human life lost, and a part of me that is absolutely giddy that they faced a just punishment and that they will no longer be a threat to my child. I feel shame at the happiness that floods through me, but I don't try to suppress the smile creasing my lips. It might be the last source of joy I ever feel.

"You should be glad I returned," I say. "Someone needs to clean your wounds before they become infected.

But what can I clean them with? I wonder. I decide on boiled water. It is the only thing we have left. Also, I will get a cruel satisfaction from watching him squirm from the pain of scalding his flesh with heat for what he allowed to almost happen to Sam.

"Why bother?" Tao asks as I kneel to help him – after feeding Sam, of course. I can't tell if he is asking me why bother at all, for he will surly die anyways, or why bother with him after what he did to Sam. I decide he means both. I don't have an answer to his question though. Pity? Boredom? Perhaps my mother's teachings about Jesus and forgiveness has seeped through after all these years, making me a person far better than I believed myself to be. Or maybe it is a small, stubborn trace of love that lingers still, despite him committing nearly every sin a husband can against his wife. Seeing him wither in pain from his wounds, exhaustion, and hunger would be a satisfying enough punishment for now.

"Why not?" I reply, setting the hot cloth on an open gash on his temple to help clean the dirty wound. He winces. I can't help myself. I smirk.

"Thank you," he says.

"No trouble. Besides, I'd hate for an infection to bring a swift end to your suffering while Sam and I continue to starve. You still have an entire family to mourn. Brothers you lost. A mother that I won't shed a single tear for."

Tao grunts in response.

"When did you get so cold?" he asks. I muse for a moment, taking the question to heart and wondering the same thing myself.

"I don't know. Somewhere between coming home to find a room of soon-to-be-cannibals staring at Sung-ling's baby like it was a roasted pig and finding my own baby about to become someone else's dinner."

Tao winces again even though I'm not touching him.

"I'm –"

"Sorry? Yeah, I know. Don't waste your breath."

He buries his face in his hands, too embarrassed to look me in the eyes. Sam sobs. I leave him to wallow silently in his shame and self-pity. Meanwhile, I will think of a plan to get Sam and I out of here. This time I'll make sure it is for good.