Thanks to my beta Zbluez for spotting the typo. He had exams T_T.
"Team 7; Orochimaru, Tsunade Senju and Naori Uchiha; your sensei is Hiruzen Sarutobi-sama."
"Jiraiya and Mikazuki; you're being teamed up with last year's graduate Sakumo Hakate."
Jiraiya and the white-haired NPC teamed up with Sakumo? Holy crap now that is going to change things! I wonder if they will still give him crap when he chooses his comrades over the mission?
And knowing Jiraiya's luck with women; I'll bet anything that Mikazuki is the future Mrs. Hakate. Well at least he will still be teamed up with someone with the Summoning Jutsu, so the toads will be called up and be part of the storyline.
Still though; déjà fucking vu; this is just like the Obito Rin Kakashi shit all over again. Except I know that this is going to have a semi-happy ending: the chick might die young; but not from a mission. The prodigy is pretty much the nicest prodigy in Naruto; and the dead last becomes a Sage.
They'll be fine. At the very least I will make sure Tsunade and I are in the village when it is time for Kakashi to be born; to ensure it's not a death by birth situation.
–OH MY GOD! I have just realized the ultimate fuck you to Madara's plan! I am going to make Nagato the Nidaime Kyuubi Jinchuuriki! I mean think about it: Uzumaki with Rinnegan found. Mito looking for a successor? Female weakness bypassed; and the legends of the Sage's power? A way to guarantee that Nagato is Madara's enemy with zero manipulation? It's fucking perfect!
I will be the first one to admit that Nagato is my second favourite character in Naruto by far; with Orochimaru squeaking through due to having ORGAN THEME MUSIC! That shit has guaranteed bad-ass villain themes for decades. Let's see Madara deal with a Super Jinchuuriki then! With his eyes hahahahahahaha! Tsunade and I will teach him everything; and maybe he will use Slug Style Sage Mode like Hashirama.
"Now Team Seven; you're not Genin yet. You must first pass my test."
"What test, Hokage-sama?" I pre-empted the question. I'm curious as to what our team; with two women; will do to the Naruto world?
Skip one pointless lecture about the Bell Test...
That's right; I can't get distracted with thinking about the Naruto world at large.
"Go!" Sarutobi shouted and we all scattered. I jumped up into the tree and closed my eyes. I tried to sense for my teammate's chakra.
Nothing, but I'm pretty sure that I'll eventually learn this skill; even before Senjutsu. Guess it's time for basic tracking then.
"Psst! Orochimaru-kun. Over here. We have to work together."
Well speak of the devil; Tsunade figured it out. Damn Senju friendship genes.
No if only I could find Naori –
"Orochimaru-kun. Don't go near that cow! Come over here and work with me."
…
Where the hell did this girl learn such language at her age!? Seriously!
I sighed and gestured them both over to me.
"Guys; there is no way in hell we can beat Hokage-sama. In fact; I'm pretty sure he can play this game with all the other Kage and win! So this is definitely not a combat test, period. No Naori; I am absolutely sure about this, even if he is going to hold back when fighting us. This screams hidden meaning to all my senses. So, thoughts?"
I had never really directly admonished Naori like this, but something about my tone must have clued her in to the seriousness of the situation and my ability as a Shinobi. I am so glad I didn't take the loud idiot route.
"Well…hmmm…" Naori looked like she was putting some serious effort into this.
"It's a trick of some sort; maybe a battlefield exam of what to do against a superior opponent?" Tsunade offered.
Hmmm…I am going to have some fun with this.
"Hold on guys; whilst you keep on thinking I am going to try peaceful negotiation. I know that he said we must come at him with the intent to kill; but attempting peaceful negotiations will net us points with Sarutobi, I'm sure of it!"
"Can I have the bells?"
"No."
"Well I've done all I could do."
Thank you Patrick Star.
"What happened?"
"Negotiations failed."
"So…Triple Fake Out?"
"Triple Fake Out."
"Haaaa!" Chibi Tsunade jumped out, forming hand signs; before jumping forward with a kick. Sarutobi went to block the obvious attack with ease; which is why I launched my attack from behind Tsunade just before she made contact.
I threw two massive demon-windmill shuriken at both Tsunade and Sarutobi; hiding one in its own shadow with the Shadow Shuriken Technique. Just before Tsunade made contact with Sarutobi and thus put herself at risk, she completed the Substitution.
Sarutobi made contact and with a puff of smoke; a log took Tsunade's place. First Fake Out.
My demon-windmill shuriken closed the distance under the cover of smoke and the log; but began to grow further and further apart. It appeared to be sloppy technique.
Heh, since Sasuke hasn't even being born yet, I feel no guilt for ripping off moves from his fight against Itachi. Sarutobi took the bait, jumping between then; and I pulled the wires. I got to witness actual surprise in the man's eyes; experience or not, he didn't have the Sharingan to conveniently see the wires. Second Fake Out.
I got to see our Sensei pull off some Konohamaru vs Pein shit to dodge all the shrapnel with Monkey Style taijutsu.
Now I charged in with a kunai in each hand held in reverse, going straight for Sarutobi's neck. He was far warier now; and went straight for the deflection without compromising his position.
"Katon: Phoenix Sage Fire Justu!" This was the first time one us had spoken. Naori exited out of the forest behind me and spat out a swarm of homing mini fireballs. She hid shuriken inside them and sent them straight for Sarutobi.
It was loud; it was flashy; it announced Naori's presence like no other. It also happened to be the distraction. Third Fake Out.
I could see Sarutobi drawing conclusions in his head. We had already done this thing before against him. A frontal attack hiding behind another attack. I could see him making sense of our decisions. See him thinking that I am betting on Naori's ability to control the fireballs with her chakra to keep me safe whilst I clashed with him for real.
All according to plan…
Because I was the distraction too…
Naori wasn't using her chakra to make the fire-coated shuriken go around me. She was giving them one order: more speed! Because Tsunade had lined up the perfect throw all this time in the forest; and the moment Naori had called out the name she had thrown her kunai without chakra. It was a sneak attack.
So long as the flaming shuriken beat the kunai there, they would drown out the sound of the lone kunai passing through the air.
I dropped to my knees and performed a fucking powerslide; allowing Sarutobi to spot the flaming shuriken coming right for him; whilst I slid with both my kunai to slash his Achilles tendons. He had no choice but to jump; and I saw he was going to perform the Substitution jutsu; but before he could–
Bam!
Tsunade had pre-emptively aimed her kunai at Sarutobi's aerial position right from the start. The kunai cut the wires. And nailed him right on the ass.
I completed my powerslide under him and caught the bells in my teeth. Using my chakra to slow me down; I stood up and flashed Sarutobi a toothy grin; bells hanging from my mouth; as the rest of my team assembled and we posed Sūpā Sentai style!
If Sarutobi had a pipe in his mouth he would have dropped it at the sheer awesomeness that was our combo. I mean; I just used a fucking powerslide as part of a combo in real combat! Who else could get to say that?!
He passed us all immediately. I later learned that we were now the source of Sarutobi's saying: Even a Kage can be killed by a kunai.
Because if Tsunade had aimed for the neck, there was a chance that Sarutobi could have heard it. But there was an equal chance that we would have been short one Hokage.
"These kids are fucking crazy, Koharu; Homura. Supremely talented; but I feel that they aren't taking this profession seriously. But then I asked them and their leader; Orochimaru responded with this:
"Sarutobi-sensei; being a ninja is a dangerous and deadly profession; we all know this. But I signed up knowing all this; and I am perfectly willing to bet my life on it. After all; the only thing you have to lose is your life.
If you are prepared to lose it with every breath; chasing your dreams; then fear disappears. You begin inspiring others around you to bet their lives on their hopes and dreams. And when you inspire enough people; you become Hokage."
"What on earth do I say to that guys? Technically; Orochimaru-kun is correct."
"Hmm…not a bad speech. Orochimaru you say; where is he now?" Homura asked as he prepared them all some tea.
"Training until his fists bleed. He said that his own speech got him so fired up that he is going to train until his body can't move any more."
All three of them blinked; being too disciplined to show much surprise.
"Well, Orochimaru does have the highest taijutsu scores in the Academy; ever. And he scored top in the class for the rest. The boy is utterly relentless and I think he genuinely enjoys being a Shinobi." Koharu made her observation as she sipped her tea.
People usually were Shinobi due to naivety or clan expectations; and grew up with the missions. But Orochimaru seemed to be an oddity; knowing exactly what was in store for him and still going at it with a smile. He also seemed to be an odd sort of leader; inspiring others; but they weren't quite sure he believed in the Will of Fire.
"Hiruzen; just ask them tomorrow. Do your team introductions and ask them these questions."
"Good morning Team 7; my name is Hiruzen Sarutobi; and I am the Third Hokage. My likes are my Sensei's: the First and Second Hokages, my wife and all of Konoha; which I view as my children. My hobbies…hehehehe…are a bit old for you. I dislike traitors to Konoha and false treaties; and my dream has already been accomplished by becoming Hokage. Your turn, Orochimaru-kun."
"Hai sensei. My name is Orochimaru and I am six years old. I like Tsunade-chan; Naori-chan, The First and Third Hokages; and all of Konoha. I dislike the Second Hokage and regard him as a moron; sorry Sensei. My hobbies include being a ninja and learning new nin, gen, and tai-jutsu; along with playing music. I dislike racism, idiots, traitors and false treaties too Sensei, as it killed my parents; and my dream is to be Hokage; learn all the jutsu in the world; and to teach.
I also want to experiment with the Apprenticeship teaching style; and perhaps see which style produces the superior Shinobi."
"Why don't you like my Sensei Orochimaru-kun?" Sarutobi was frowning but saw that Tsunade and Naori weren't. They both winced and shook their heads at him but it was too late.
"Rant time it is then. Tsunade-chan and Naori-chan have brought me the clan accounts of Madara and Hashirama's personalities; and Tobirama's personality is far better documented; as he created many systems within the village; and thus his way of thinking is widely available in written form to those smart enough to discern it. I have pieced together our starting history from this evidence; and have determined that just about every internal issue the village has faced; including Madara's defection; was caused by Tobirama.
Madara asked the Uchiha clan to leave with him; after showing concerns that the Senju would destroy the Uchiha. Now this little problem was also caused by Madara's personality; causing a miscommunication; or evidently; a lack of communication.
The Uchiha clan was still being ruled over by Hashirama as Hokage; and it was an awesome time for them. They were pretty much like: 'Bro; Hashirama is the shit. Times are good bro; get over your warlike ways and admit that Hashirama is better than you.' Technically; the reports said that Madara flew into a rage; but I am translating that to saying Madara came down with a serious case of sore-loser-itus.
Rather than saying 'Fellow bros of the Uchiha clan; it's not Hashirama I'm worried about; it his racist dick of a brother; who has always been against the Uchiha clan. You cannot let him become Hokage.' The Uchiha clan aren't idiots; they would have listened to that.
Instead, Madara pretty much went with the whole 'Hashirama isn't better than me! Rar rar rar I guess I shall destroy everything we ever built together! Rar!' route and left the village.
Fast forward past some ancient history and look what happened: Hey guys let's build a prison and move the entire Uchiha clan next to it! If that isn't one gigantic fuck you from Tobirama I don't know what is. Ask any parent on the planet if they want to have their children grow up next to prisoners. The prison should be by the ANBU headquarters instead. And the whole Uchiha police force thing? Totally a way to watch them.
But Sensei is a far more like Hashirama then Tobirama; so I am pretty sure you are using them like a proper and normal police force; so that issue has solved itself. I am more worried about some Tobirama-like teammate of Sensei though; someone hanging around in the shadows still being a racist prick to the clan whilst Sensei is still in the light.
History tends to repeat itself when not recorded well; I had to acquire these accounts from two opposite clans; and read all about Tobirama's decisions before reaching my hypothesis. One day I will record this properly; and issue it as an academy text book to stop past mistakes from repeating themselves."
Homura and Koharu found their old teammate drinking of all things; and they collectively sighed before sitting next to him. "Orochimaru-kun again?"
"Guys; I am almost tempted to give Orochimaru-kun the Hokage hat right now. He has already got the Senju and Uchiha working together in miniature and… I have never met anyone as smart as him. Ever. From basic accounts and deduction, he pretty much told our entire village's secret history and theoretically identified Danzō despite never having met the person."
"Hiruzen; are you sure he is not a spy?" Koharu played the Devil's Advocate.
Sarutobi nodded and took another sip of his drink. "Positive. Ever since the boy's chakra network became active at six months old, we have put him under constant surveillance. The only time where he is not under our surveillance is when he is within clan grounds."
Homura now took part in the conversation. "Train them Sarutobi. This team seems to be full of gems; and we may finally have the trio to replace us. Orochimaru seems like he could handle the darkness of our village too."
Hiruzen nodded; but Orochimaru's childish rendition struck a nerve with him. 'Why did I never think that moving an entire clan next to a prison wasn't bad for the children? Why did that never bring up alarms for me? How much has Sensei; no, Tobirama; influenced me? Whilst it is true that Tobirama did in fact come up with the Chunin exams; as a way to display our skills and promote peace without sacrificing village secrets; Orochimaru-kun isn't aware of Edo Tensei either.'
"I need to think about this. Thanks for keeping me company with a drink, Homura, Koharu."
'I NEED A TRAINING MONTAGUE!' were my thoughts whilst we all waited for Sarutobi-sensei at Training Ground 7 the next day.
Well this is an anime world after all; so I probably will get one. You know in these stories whenever someone arrives in an anime world, like this one; they are all like 'On no! This is just like the real world! It runs on real world physics!'
Yeah right. This is an anime world people; get over yourselves. Plot armour exists here; and as Orochimaru; I have some fucking awesome plot armour. Thank god I'm not a side character on Attack on Titan…
Shiver...
Nightmare stuff there... But yeah; I'm pretty sure my plot armour exists until the Hanzō fight; where either we will enter the lone survivor mode or the cannon entire team survives mode. Both make for an awesome backstory to entertain the millions of people reading the manga and watching the anime.
Hah; you see that you self-insert morons?! I have acknowledged the fact that I exist to be read about for entertainment in a manga!
Sarutobi arrived in a swirl of Shunshin and I though he would immediately get us stuck into training. He started with an opening lecture.
"Today we will begin with physical conditioning and team problem-solving exercises. Many nations regard us a weak for prioritizing teamwork over individual ability; but our secret is that our teamwork keeps our weak Genin alive; long enough to become those strong Chunin and Jounin that everyone else fears.
Our Genin mortality rate is almost non-existent in Konoha; and the Chunin exams in foreign countries are almost solely responsible for those few deaths. Which we feel was the entire point of Hashirama founding the system of Shinobi villages: to keep the children alive. As a result we are recovering at an unprecedented rate; as although we have many orphans; our Shinobi passed down their Will of Fire to their children before giving their lives to the village."
Typical Konoha dogma; but it makes sense. It was technically a numbers game; created to increase the chance of the genius Shinobi surviving to pass on their genes to the next generation. The longer Konoha stood; the higher its quality of Shinobi would be; so long as the schmucks kept the genius's alive and the genius's had enough kids. And the entire system was prettied up with the Will of Fire and sons surpassing their fathers bullshit.
"After a week of this; we shall move on to Water Walking since I was informed that you all know the Tree Climbing exercise. We will be doing D-ranks as well during this month; and will continue however long it takes you all to learn Water Walking. After that I will test your Chakra Natures and teach you each a ninjutsu matching your element. The second month will be a mass of training; as I won't baby you. You will live together; eat together; and train together. The third month we will go into Genjutsu; spotting, dispelling and casting whilst you three will do daily team spars against me after completing one D-rank mission in the morning.
After the three months are over we will begin Delivery C-rank Missions; familiarising ourselves with the greater Fire Country; whilst I will take my teachings on the road. I will teach you as fast as you can learn; as by then I expect you to have done research in your own time as to what you want to learn.
Only after a year as a team together will we begin to accomplish C-ranks outside the country and you will be made available to take the Chunin exams. This year of solid individual and team training before taking deadly missions, or going for promotion; forms the core of Konoha and keeps our Genin alive over those from other nations. Before our first year is over I expect all of you to have made your first kills against bandits during our patrols."
Sarutobi-sensei took a deep breath. "Let's get started."
I only had one thought:
Where the fuck was this when Kakashi was training Team 7?!