…Drugs make you behave in ways you normally would not.
Feathers fly all around them.
"Damn you, Severus!"
(I love you Severus.)
Lily laughs at the expression on Severus's face. He looks positively diabolical, raising the pillow above his head to bring it down on top of her. (Smoke and feathers. Feathers and smoke.)
She reaches for the weed burning away on the nightstand next to her. He politely pauses their pillow fight to let her breathe in hard. The feeling goes straight to her head. She grabs for her own pillow, swings hard and hits Severus in the stomach. He oofs and laughs, laughs, laughs. The laughter sinks into her chest and spirals there.
"That was weak, Lily."
"Was not."
"Was too."
Had it been weak? She swings her pillow again, whamming him in the face this time just to be sure. He loses his balance, falls backwards, slamming into her bedroom floor. (She's so glad her parents are out. That thump would be awkward and hilarious to explain.) More feathers go flying. The ceiling fan makes them spin through the air.
She drops to her knees next to him, concerned but unable to stop giggling. She has no idea why watching him fall was so funny.
"Sev! Are you okay?" Giggle. "I'm so sorry." Giggle. "The pillow annihilated you!" Laugh. "Pillows are such gruesome weapons!" Hysterics.
The door bursts open and Petunia stands there, arms crossed in all her wretched floral-print fury. She raises her eyebrows in disbelief at all the smoke in the air. Her nose crinkles when she catches sight of Severus on the floor, sprawled out, (like a god, like an offering, like he's hers) languid.
"Lily Hope Evans!" Petunia's voice is shrill and rings in Lily's head like a bell. (Shrill like a banshee shrill like a wraith, echoes of freak from a million miles and years away.)
Severus gazes up at Lily, entirely unperturbed by her sister's intrusion. He looks very interested all of a sudden. "Your middle name is Hope?"
"Petunia's is Grace."
"Lily, I cannot believe you are doing drugs. And in our house! With that boy!"
"Well at least you didn't walk in on me fucking him."
The words are out before Lily even thinks of them. (Please, Sev, please.) He's gone rigid beside her. Oh well. Things have been awkward between them for days now, after she'd caught him staring at her chest while high and had teased him for it instead of rebuking him. (Unnatural thoughts in her head, unnatural thoughts of Severus her friend becoming Sev just like that oh god, Merlin yes.)
Petunia goes so red she's all but purple. Lily wonders what her walls would look like, spattered with Petunia's blood, if the vein pulsing in her forehead popped. "I can't believe you would even suggest such a thing!"
"Can't you? And why not? Severus is a perfectly normal teenage boy. He has needs, I'm sure. As do I. Be thankful you're not privy to them and leave us be."
"Lily! I am telling Mum and Dad as soon as they return-"
"No you aren't." Lily shakes her head. She is very calm. She is so calm she thinks she might fall asleep. This conversation is very boring. "Otherwise, I'll tell Mum and Dad about Vernon's needs. You didn't sound like you were enjoying his attentions the other night, but he certainly was having fun."
"He sounded like a dying walrus," Severus chips in casually.
Petunia is speechless. When she is through gaping at them both, she slams the bedroom door behind her. Moments later, they hear the front door slam.
They both burst into peels of laughter, long hard guffaws that don't stop for hours and hours and years. When they finally end, Lily lies down next to Severus, stuffing her assault pillow under her head. She snickers and looks at Severus. (Lean muscle under pale skin dark eyes dark hair Dark masterpiece of a soul.)
"So what do you sound like, Severus?"
Severus does not answer. He's been studying a piece of the carpet for several minutes straight, very intensely. Her carpet is quite intriguing, actually. Brown and white mixed together, with hints of green. (Green and black, death life death death life Death Eating living together Merlin yes Severus harder.)
"Sev?"
"Hmm?"
"My carpet feels so good. Like a million little love bites. You know?"
"Whoa. Yeah. Totally." (A million little bites, everywhere, marking her. Owning her. She won't cover a single one.)
A beat, and then. "Wait. You like being bitten?"
Lily does not answer. She's noticed a small crack in her wall that she'd never seen before. It is a crack in her life, a crack in the universe. The wall is painted the same on either side, but which does she like better? Surely one is better than the other. Do walls love? Which side of the wall is more likely to love her? The right side is closer to her bed. The left side is closer to her dresser, and therefore her panty drawer. Maybe the crack is the best lover. The halfway point, the edge right before dropping over.
Is Severus a crack? The right side? The left side? The paint? What is she? What's the meaning of life, anyway?
She glances over, entirely prepared to ask him, entirely sure he knows at least the meaning of his life, but his eyes are closed.
She abandons her pillow in favor of his chest and doesn't question what that means.
She kisses his forehead when she drops him off at his house. His eyes flutter closed. It makes her feel more cherished than she's ever felt in her life. She wonders if she's still a little bit high.
"Lily?"
"Yes, Mum?"
"Petunia mentioned you and Severus are hanging out again this summer."
"Yes, we are."
The soap coats Lily's hands, thickens under her fingernails. She's always hated the smell of dish soap. She'll have to put on three layers of lotion before the smell is off her skin.
"So that fight the two of you had last year…?"
Lily never told her mother what word exactly Severus called her. Lily never told her mother that people in the Wizarding World hate the idea of being Muggle. How anyone could hate her mother is unfathomable to Lily. (Mudblood.)
Lily never told Severus that she could have forgiven him for calling her a Mudblood. It was the very loud statement that he didn't need her that killed her. (Please Lily I need you so badly.)
Lily needs Severus. She needs his darkness. She's attracted to his Darkness. She needs his struggle, his strain, his intensity. (Intensity like tension like a high.)
How could Severus not need her? Not need her Light, her optimism, her care, her strength, her help? How could he only need Death Eaters and a psychopath?
"That fight is irrelevant now. I've forgiven him. Everyone deserves second chances." (A billion chances. Crying in dorms, between classes, longing yearning ripping tendons inside her chest at the thought of the boy who told her she was special slipping away.)
"That's true. You know, if I'd never given your father a second chance, he wouldn't be your father."
Lily's eyes widen. "Mum! It's not like that between Sev and me!"
"No? Are you more interested in that James boy? Or maybe the black one?"
"Sirius Black, Mum. His last name is Black."
"Of course, dear. That's exactly what I meant."
Lily washes the last plate and hands it off to her mother for drying. She scrapes at the soap caked under her nails. She does not think of Severus, of his dark eyes and of him taking her on dates, setting up picnics in their spot, kissing down her neck at the cinema. She thinks of James, but as something inseparable from the Wizarding World. (Holding her hand at Quidditch games, sitting with her nestled between his legs next to the Black Lake, walking her to classes, sneaking into broom cupboards.) But Severus… Severus could belong in both worlds.
(She reminds herself to ask her father to fix the crack in her wall the crack in her life.)
"No. No, I'm not interested in James or Sirius. I mean, I am obviously. They're my friends. And I've been out with them both. Nothing too serious, of course. Sirius really isn't my type, and James… he's so close to what I want. What I need. But he's just not there yet, you know? And I'm so tired of waiting."
"So what's the problem with Severus?"
(Death Eaters and bigotry and filthy blood and mayhem.) "Nothing, really."
"Why don't you fancy him then?"
"Fancying Severus would be… difficult. Complicated."
"Why? Because of that silly House rivalry? Gryffindor and Slytherin are only a part of your lives for another year, honey. Then it's time for real life."
(Whispers of attacks, of preparation, of a new Order ready to fight.) "I know. Believe me, I know."
"So what's so complicated?"
Lily huffs out a breath, reaches for a dry washcloth to wipe off her hands. Her fingers shake. "Severus and I are very different people."
"Yes, but you're also very much alike."
"Do you think dating Severus would be a good idea?"
(I did it all for you, Lily.)
"I don't think you should write off the idea entirely. I think you could be good for each other."
(Maybe I could protect you.)
"Really?"
"Yes. Really. Sometimes, Lily, you have to do the things you are most afraid of. Sometimes the things you are most uncertain about turn out to be the right decisions."
"…Honestly, Mum, there's a lot I would have to give up to be with Severus."
Her mother is quiet for a moment, absorbing this. Lily hopes desperately she doesn't ask for details. She can't give her those.
Finally, Lily's mum dries her hands off and turns to her. She cups Lily's face in her hands, green eyes on green eyes. (Green and black, death life.) "Listen to me very closely, Lily."
"Alright."
"Real love- the kind of love that sustains us, inspires us, creates us- real love always requires sacrifice. Only you have the power to decide to make one. That kind of power is stronger than any magic they'll teach you at Hogwarts."
Her mother pats her cheek, directs her to invite Severus over for dinner the next day, and goes upstairs to read. Lily is left blinking back tears. She can't imagine ever loving someone that much.
She wants a love like that more than she ever realized.
"Tuny?"
Her sister whirls around to face her, stringy hair done up in a strict bun. She's invited Vernon to dinner as well. She always tries to dress up with Vernon around, as though she has something to prove.
"Yes?" (Voice cold, cold like steel and malice. Petunia would make a great Death Eater.)
"Erm… could you please, please refrain from calling Sev and I freaks tonight? It's just, this dinner is really important to me."
Petunia blinks once, shocked. For a moment, the thick wall Petunia keeps between them crumbles. For one moment in time, Lily sees her sister; the sister that had hugged her when she scraped her knee, the sister that had stuck up for her in school, the sister that had sung silly songs with her on road trips. Then the wall goes back up, and Lily feels a devastating crushing in her chest. She knows it is the last time she will ever truly see Petunia.
Petunia sneers at her, eyes like sharp broken glass. "I suppose a family dinner with the boy you're shagging for drugs is quite the event."
The crushing turns to shattering. Lily wants to scream, to cry, to rage. Instead she trembles. "I'm not. Shagging him for drugs, that is. Or shagging him at all. Please, Petunia."
Petunia nods stiffly, her nose in the air. Lily smiles graciously, and shuts the door quietly behind her.
Downstairs, the doorbell rings.
Lily straightens her crisp white blouse one more time and goes to answer it.
"Severus, I am so, so sorry. Please forgive me."
"You didn't do anything, Lily."
(Spinner's End filth, can't believe my sister cavorts with his kind. I apologize, Vernon, on her behalf.)
"I don't know why she said all those awful things! Everything was going so well."
(Oh honestly, Mother, don't give me that look! You know as well as I do this trash will never bring her any sort of happiness. Can you honestly say you want Lily with someone that wears a smock to dinner?)
"I don't give two shites what Petunia thinks of me."
(Daddy, what do you think of all this? Do you want this Snape boy touching your little girl? I don't believe for a second that they're just friends. You know his type! He'll use her. Probably knock her up, too, his sort breed like cockroaches.)
"I just wanted to do something nice with you. Mum wanted to talk to you. She hasn't seen you since we fought. Daddy thought it would be fun to teach you how to grill steak."
(Lily, if you insist on being with someone so beneath you, don't expect to be treated with any sort of class or respect. Not by me or anyone else. The whores downtown would probably laugh in your face!)
"Your mum was lovely to me as always, and grilling meat with your father was wonderful fun, I assure you."
(You know what, don't bother with my plate. Vernon, let's go. I've seen quite enough. Let me know when the freaks are gone, Mother.)
"I don't know what I said to set Petunia off! I only asked if she'd gotten into University, I'd heard the letters had arrived…"
Suddenly it hits Lily with all the force of the Hogwarts Express. (Dear Professor Dumbledore, I was writing to inquire if I might also attend Hogwarts…)
"Oh! Poor Tuny! Oh, she must not have gotten in! That's why she was so upset."
"She's certainly never taken scholarly rejection well."
Severus kisses her forehead soothingly, his lips lingering there, his fingers steadily combing through her hair. That is how her mother finds them. That is how she leaves them until dessert.
Lily's so nervous she's certain Severus can hear her heart pounding. His father is out "job hunting" (day-drinking at the nearest pub) and so his mother finally has the house to herself for a while. He'd begged to introduce her to Lily.
Lily clutches Severus's hand as tightly as possible. He'd made her park at the end of the street, in case his father came home early. Strange men leer at her from the alleys. Women glare at her, her clean clothes, her long red hair. She takes a deep breath and reminds herself that within the next year or so, she'll probably be fighting Death Eaters on a regular basis. This is nothing. Muggles can't hurt a brilliant witch like her.
The door swings open on its rusty hinges. Eileen Snape is in the kitchen, frantically cooking. Lily watches with wide eyes as sandwiches make themselves, lemonade pours itself into old glasses, and a dingy mop twirls across the floor. She glances over at Severus to find him staring, dumbfounded, at his mother, who rarely takes her wand out of its hiding place because of his father. Suddenly Lily feels an incredible rush of affection for Severus and his mother.
Severus clears his throat and the terrified woman turns on her heel. She is very tall and regal, with hair as black as Severus's. She could have been beautiful if she weren't so emaciated.
"Oh! Severus! You're back already. I wasn't expecting you for at least another five minutes." With a wave of her wand, the lunch goes flying onto the table, landing with a slight clatter. Not a bit spills. The mop goes soaring into a cupboard with the door hanging off the hinges, a large hole in the wall next to it. "You must be Lily!"
Eileen holds out her frail hand. Lily shakes it as kindly as she can, making sure to meet her eyes and smile widely. Eileen relaxes, but only marginally. "It's lovely to meet you, Mrs. Snape. Thank you so much for preparing lunch, it's really too much!"
"Nonsense, it's not often Severus brings friends over. And call me Eileen."
Severus snorts very quietly. He's never brought a friend over. Lily jabs him as discreetly as possible with her elbow. He smirks at her.
"I've heard so much about you," Eileen continues as they eat. Lily is astonished. The food is phenomenal. "You're all Severus seems to talk about."
Lily raises a teasing eyebrow at him from across the table. She'd sat down right next to his mother, as at home here in his nasty rundown shack as she is in her own beautiful kitchen. "You talk about me, Sev? Only good things to say, I hope!"
(Mudblood.)
"Oh, the best. I hear you exceed at Potions?"
Lily blushes at all the praise. "I'm alright, I suppose. I'm wretched compared to Severus!"
Eileen blinks at her son. "Why, Severus, you never mentioned you like Potions!"
Severus shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "It never came up."
When Lily hands the keys to her car to Severus and asks him to please go retrieve it for her ("Oh, you never mentioned she's been teaching you to drive, Severus!") Eileen grasps her by the elbow and pulls her in for a hug. Lily likes this woman much more than she ever thought she would. How in the world a woman as intelligent and worthy as Eileen ended up with a pig like Tobias Snape, Lily will never understand.
"Lily, I want to thank you."
"Whatever for?!"
"You must understand… Tobias has never been kind to Severus. While I don't venture into the Wizarding World often very more, I do keep up with its news. I'm not a naïve woman. I know the talk. I had feared Severus would turn against Muggles and Muggleborns because of the treatment of his father. It was beyond my most hopeful dreams to think he'd end up with such a sweet girl, and a Muggleborn at that! I just want to thank you for taking care of him. For forgiving him. He told me all about his mistake last year."
Lily blinks, trying to take in all of this information at once. "Oh, Mrs.- I mean, er, Eileen. Sev and I aren't-"
The front door bursts open, a grinning Severus popping his head through. "Lily, I managed to drive your car all the way down the street! On my own!"
"I had complete faith in you, Sev."
His eyes dart from her to his mother and back again. "What were you two talking about?"
"What a lovely couple the two of you make, of course," Eileen says smugly before Lily can even open her mouth.
She turns, half mortified (I don't need you Mudblood even the lowest whores would laugh at you freak) to find a dazed expression on Severus's face. He seems to be somewhere very far away. It makes her ache.
"Right. Of course. Naturally. Ready to go, Lily?"
Lily nods. She takes over driving. Severus sits unnaturally still in his seat.
Finally: "I apologize. For my mother's assumption."
"It's not a problem."
"No, really. I should have corrected her. I can't imagine that was at all comfortable for you."
"Honestly, Sev, it's fine."
"It should have been perfectly clear we're just friends. We weren't even holding hands at lunch!" There is venom in his voice. (Filthy little Mudblood. Does it matter if your parents are Muggles? No it doesn't matter. Mudblood.)
Lily inconspicuously shifts her head so her hair blocks her face from his view. (That was weak Lily.)
Her tears are dry by the time they reach her house. He never notices.