A/N
To the guest reviewer of chapter 4, thank you very much for your compliment and kind words, I was and continue to be moved by them.
To SassyRaydorGirl, I hope I did justice to your request, I'd planned the talk between Gill and Janet for later in the story but it fit better in this chapter.
Wednesday
Gill
Soon after her alarm goes off, Gill's mobile alerts her she's received a text message
"Hiya, are we on for tonight?"
Gill sighs before typing out her reply
"Hiya slap, yes we are on. I will be at the restaurant at 6:30 PM"
"See you there, ta-ta" replies Julie
They're having dinner at Damson in Media City. A very nice setting for what is bound to be an awkward evening. Thought Gill to herself.
It had been Julie's choice. In all fairness to her, their plans were made the morning of her birthday before the developments of later that day.
It has been quiet between them since the weekend. Julie has sent her a few texts, probably too busy with Charlotte to have time for a phone call (thought Gill in a moment of snark).
Sighing again... It was time to get up and get ready for the day, she is meeting her Julie after all. Underneath her fear, there is a ripple of excitement.
Although she is not sure how to proceed and what outcome there will be, the woman in her knows that looking good today is the first step in shoring up her confidence, she stands in front of her wardrobe looking for an appropriate outfit to bridge the work / dinner plans.
Julie
She can't help the smile on her face upon reading Gill's reply. After the last look they exchanged on Saturday evening, there's a part of her that expected Gill to cancel their plans. This upcoming dinner may not be as easy as the countless they've shared, but, it's a night with Gill.
They haven't had many of those lately and Julie has missed her. Deciding to change the parameters of their relationship may have been the right choice, just not an easy one to implement. As with many things in life, the practice of the theory is always much harder to achieve.
The events of the weekend has her re evaluating how ready she is to move on from Gill and, the tepid date she had with Charlotte last night didn't help her resolve.
Before dinner comes work Julie thinks as she starts her day.
Standing before her wardrobe, she begins to get ready.
oOo
"There's something about Gill this morning" Janet says to herself when she arrives into work. She's accustomed to her boss' tailored work look, today's outfit could only be described as "sexy tailored" assuming there's such thing. It's not only the clothes, Gill is jittery, distracted, almost as if work is a placeholder for the main event of the day.
Despite what the public thinks, not all murders are solved within an hour as the telly portrays. Sometimes it's about grunt work conducted over several days. Solving Sharon's murder is slow going, today is a day of following leads and clues. Some of the team are on the go and the rest are working in office, a veritable slow day for syndicate 9.
At around noon, Janet uses this opportunity to ask Gill out to lunch, intending to have a heart to heart and finally get to the bottom of what's going on with her friend.
"Right Gill, we are going out to lunch across the road" says Janet.
"It's a quiet day and the report you are working on can wait for an hour"
Gill arches a brow as she looks at Janet
"What is it with this new way of extending invitations Janet?" If you simply ask, I may surprise you and say yes" replies Gill.
"When it's important, I'd rather not give you an option" says Janet with a smile
"One of these days, no matter how much you inform me of your intent, my answer will be no" Gill said. "Be that as it may, it is a good day for lunch, so Janet, I will graciously accept your non invitation" They both burst out in laughter.
After letting her DS know where to find them if needed, they proceed over to the restaurant.
"What are you having Gill?" Asks Janet "I am ravenous"
"I am having dinner with Julie tonight, so I'll only have a salad" replies Gill
"Would said dinner have anything to do with the sexy outfit you are wearing?"
"My outfit is not sexy!" Protests Gill "this is perfectly appropriate for work"
"I've never seen you come into work looking like this" Janet says with a bland look.
As Gill is blushing, Janet uses the opening to address her friend;
"What's really going on Gill? Whatever it is, I know it has to do with Julie, you think I haven't noticed that she hasn't been to the office for a while unless it's strictly business? That your subduedness coincides with her absence? At times over the last few days you seem unhappy, in a way that I haven't seen in a long time.
Is it because she didn't come to your birthday? Or is it because... She was out on date on Saturday?" Janet says finally hitting the nail on the head.
As she utters the last statement, she sees Gill's eyes well up with tears and she fights valiantly to not release them.
"I am losing Julie and I don't know how to fix it" Gill whispers
Janet, who is very surprised by this says " I don't think that will ever happen" "This is Julie we are talking about" "What happened between the two of you?"
Gill takes a deep breath and decides to finally open up to her friend;
"I love her, did you know that?" Janet shakes her head in the negative.
"How could you when I haven't owned it to myself until recently?"
"I love her and in my fear, I screwed up, said this stupid thing to her which hurt her feelings, since then things have been different between us and now she is dating Charlotte"
"When did this happen?" asks Janet
"Last year on my birthday" replies Gill, owning that she knows exactly why Julie has changed. No longer willing to act oblivious of the reason.
There is an astonished look on Janet's face
"A year ago Gill? You've let it go on for this long?" "I've never known you to be a coward, your strength and courage are two of the things I respect the most about you"
"What are you so afraid of?"
"Janet, I was married for over 10 years to a shag bandit who went at it with all and sundry behind me back. For many of those years I knew what he was up to and foolishly tried to change things about myself in order to keep his attention at home, we know how well that worked out"
"My rational mind knows that he is the one with the problem, that his infidelities had nothing to do with me, but the woman in me, who put up with it and blamed herself to some extent because she was in love with his potential as opposed to the reality of whom he was, lost confidence in her attractiveness and ability to hold a partner's interest the longer the marriage went on"
"What if I am not what Julie wants?" "I don't know if I am gay, I simply love her, I want her"
"Would that be enough for Julie? She's always been out and dated women who were out, will she expect that from me? And if so, can I give it to her?" "Can I keep her interested long term?"
"Janet, after Dave left I had Julie by my side, she helped me through the worst of things, was my rock and support. If we changed our relationship and she left me one day, I don't think I would be able to survive it"
"Gill" Janet interrupts her
"There are no easy answers to your questions" "There is no way to change our reactions to the hurts of the past other than to give ourselves the opportunity to create new memories and experiences" "To have life show us that one tosser doesn't make everyone the same"
"Let me ask you something" continues Janet "Can you live with yourself if you never find the courage to go after her and find out what's possible between the two of you?"
"I don't know" replies Gill
"Are you prepared to sit back and let her go?"
"No" said Gill
"Are you happy right now without Julie in your life?"
"Certainly not" Gill said on a sigh
"Whatever these fears that are driving you are, and, I am sure they are valid to you. Don't seem to be preventing you from feeling hurt in regards to Julie" "it may be worth it to give it a try and see what happens" continued Janet.
"Gill, if you love her and, she loves you, things can be worked out" "Anything has to be better than this torture you are putting both of yourselves through"
"I wouldn't worry too much about this other woman, if you ever find your courage and get your legs under you. Julie will never be able to resist you"
"Follow your heart Gill, I have a feeling you won't regret it"
Janet finished talking and focused on her lunch. Knowing her friend, she knows it's best to let silence reign after her speech.
Gill is very quiet, taking in all she's heard. Her friend made some very good points and opened her up to the truth of the matter. She has much to think about this afternoon.
Wednesday Evening
Julie arrived at the restaurant first as she was slightly early, they were given a quiet table with a nice view. Her location also afforded her an unobstructed command of the entrance.
Truth be told, she was nervous about this dinner, when getting dressed this morning, she paid extra attention to her suit, choosing a french cuff shirt and wearing the silver bullet shaped cufflinks that Gill had given her after her last promotion. As she was getting dressed, her inner voice of reason asked why so much trouble for a belated birthday dinner with Gill? It pointed out that she hadn't gone through this much effort for last night's date with Charlotte
Smart woman that she was, she ignored the voice.
So lost she was in contemplation, that at first she did not notice when Gill entered the restaurant. She looked up just as the host took the jacket from her and Julie's chin hit the floor. Gill was wearing a deep red, almost wine colored sleeveless sheath dress, the dress had a pleated V-neck with a plunging neckline, some kind of wrap over detail at the waist that accentuated how tiny Gill's waist is and a slit that went up the left side of her leg. She had paired it with black stiletto heels.
"Dear Lord, she looks hot" whispered Julie, heat coursing through her body as they approached the table and she stood up to greet her.
"Hiya Slap" said Gill with a small smile
"Hello love" replied Julie, slightly tongue tied
They leaned and hug each other, Gill noticing that Julie looked very nice herself that evening. She was wearing a charcoal gray suit with a rust coloured shirt.
To Gill, it felt good to have her arms around Julie, if only for a brief moment.
They sat down and opened their menus, how strange to be nervous in each other's presence.
"How was?"
"Had a good?"
They both spoke at the same time
"You first love" Said Julie.
"How was your day slap?" Gill asked
"Regular busy day, reports to write, syndicates to oversee" "At least I haven't had dealings with Assistant Chief Con Karen Zalinski for a few days" said Julie with a laugh.
"Had a good day?" She in turn asked Gill
"The murder we are investigating is slow going as you know" "Mostly a day of paperwork at the office" Gill replied.
Julie noticed, the shy looks she is receiving from Gill.
Gill noticed Julie's reticence.
Again they fell silent and hid behind their menus, each one trying to find a way across the gap or at least, to relax enough for the evening. They were rescued by their server approaching the table to appraise them of the specials and take their drink orders. This gave them a few minutes to compose themselves.
That being dispensed, it was time for honesty.
"Are we ever going to talk slap?"
"What have we to talk about love?"
"OK, I'll start" said Gill "Are you ever going to forgive me slap?" "It's been a year"...
Julie looks at her
"Why are you asking me this now Gill?" As you said it's been a year, during this time, you've seemed happy with the state of our friendship" replies Julie.
"Julie, nothing could be further from the truth, I haven't been happy, I miss you now and missed you then. I've been scared, so it was easier to pretend that nothing was different, that I had no idea why you were distant, than to confront my fears" Gill offers.
"Again, why now Gill" asks Julie before continuing "Have you any idea how much you hurt my feelings? It isn't that you said I wouldn't be your choice for a girlfriend, if that's the way you feel you are entitled to that. Our friendship was never based upon you having feelings for me or seeing me as your eventual partner.
It was the dismissive and insensitive nature of your delivery. It felt in that moment as if you respected me so little, were so un preoccupied of me as person, as a woman that it allowed you to speak to me in that manner" "You held up an invisible mirror showing me what I had become in your eyes" "Good ol' Julie Dodson who will always be there for me independent of her own needs"
"I thought our friendship was more than that" "That I Julie, meant more to you than that"
"That's what hurt Gill, that's what I feel the need to protect myself against"
Gill looked away in shame and embarrassment at the truth of Julie's words, her first instinct is to run away from this moment, but, she remembers what Janet said earlier and, far more important, she knows that if she does not find a way tonight, there would be no going back on Julie's end.
She takes a deep breath and begins;
"I am so sorry for my insensitive words that night" " As soon as they left my lips I regretted them, I've spent many days wishing I could take them back and re do the moment"
Julie, who's waited a year to hear this, feels something in her begin to thaw, a crack in her protective gear.
"But why Gill, why such a statement?" She asks
"I panicked slap" "I have feelings for you that I didn't know how to begin to address. Having spent the day watching everyone treat us a couple awoke the yearning in me I'd hoped would remain dormant"
"To hear at the end of a day of such internal struggle, that even your mom thought we were a couple, was more than I could handle. I needed to shut the topic down and used what I stupidly thought was humor to do so"
"Yes, in that moment I did not think about the effect of my words on you" "For that, I will be forever sorry"
During Gill's explanation Julie is playing with her shirt's cuff link, Gill notices this and sees that it's the one she gave Julie for her promotion, she takes comfort in that simple gesture. Finds hope in that very small detail, and hope gives her courage.
So when Julie asks for the third time;
"Why now Gill?" "Why after all this time?"
She takes the leap and says:
"Because I don't want to lose you slap"
oOo
DS: Detective Sergeant