I think I'm the loser.

Because if I cry for help, they won't answer.

I think they're the losers.

Because if they cry for help, I won't answer.

I think we're all losers.

Because if we all cry for help, no-one will answer for sure.

Rustling Trees

Dizziness, exhaustion, numbness. I feel them every time I return. To be precise, it's not exactly what you call returning. I know all the spots because I was born here. But in fact, the place is slightly different, and the course of the events to come is uncertain. Maybe the uncertainty makes me feel bad. It hurts. Being transferred certainly strains your body. However, I don't remember anything about the transfer. Only she knows because she performs the strange act of handing me to a world which certainly will kill me as all the others did. I should say she keeps me alive, but sometimes I'd rather look at it the other way round. She's the one who makes me die again and again. Due to her power, I return from the dead. And after a pathetic short new life, I'm forced to go back to them. Without her, I could remain silent and peaceful. I really don't know. Maybe I would prefer a final death to the fate of dying and coming back repeatedly until my hope dies and I become a lifeless doll.

"...-chan! Are you a zombie yet?" A playful voice echoes in my brain.

Am I a living dead person? Am I playing some kind of real-life zombie tag while most people in this village think I am the reincarnation of a god? Maybe I should just walk like a zombie. Without a free will, without consciousness. After all, it's not my own doing that brought me here. A zombie is an undead being, guided by the will of the person who made the body rise from the grave.

In fact, that's very close to what I really am. Most likely, people put me in a grave after I died in all my past lives. But there's a person who makes me come back from the grave. Should I thank her? Or curse her? Should I value this new life, or throw it away carelessly? Should I behave like a little girl who holds a present in her arms, smiling at the relative who gave it to her? Or should I frown and turn my back on her? Maybe it's not a present but a punch in the stomach. At least I feel as if someone punched me really hard. If it's a present – where is it? My hands are empty. Do I have to search for it like you look for a hidden sweet or a toy? Without thinking, I say it aloud:

"The only gift I will find is death."

Looking around cautiously, I think nobody heard me. But - I'm certain she is watching me, hiding somewhere near here, putting on a disappointed face and emitting her funny moans. Well, what does she expect anyway? In spite of our old age - she has lived about ten times as long as I - both my puppeteer and I are rather childish characters, matching our outward appearance. Facing my inevitable doom, I pout and stamp my little feet. No, I do not really stamp my feet. I have my own way of being sulky. I sit down, looking out of a window, towards this murderous village, drinking wine. Do I really love wine, or do I pretend to like drinking because it annoys her? That would be pretty childish, I guess.

And what does she do? Instead of acting wisely like a good parent, she laments like a little puppy. It's just too amusing. I can't stop teasing her. I'm a cruel little zombie girl. Too bad I can't attack her. She's not made of anything a human could grasp. After all I've been through in the worlds she keeps transferring me to, she certainly deserves a little cruelty. I know she also suffers. But at least she doesn't have to die.

Looking around, I find myself sitting beneath some trees near the shrine. Everything looks like the place I know. I remember the games we played here. Sometimes we just ran, as fast as we could, so that we could hardly think anymore. I hear a self-confident, energetic voice ...

"Only first place counts! - The last one will take the punishment and go through hell!"

I wish I could run like that right now. But my exhausted limbs don't allow me to stand up. I really feel like the aged woman I am.

I have to recollect my thoughts, arrange them in order. I can't deny that I need her help. Maybe I will punish her later. There are some things she can't stand, and her reactions are funny to watch. Yes, she will definitely meet her little punishment game.

With that in mind, I call her. "Hanyū."

"Hanyū!" I look around. "Hanyū?"

Damn, I can't see her. This is really annoying. No time to play hide and seek. Please act your age when we're alone, Hanyū.

"Hanyū ..."

Nothing. The wind moves the leaves softly. I hear the rustle of spring. Yes, it must be springtime. Some weeks to go until I die. Without thinking about it, I raise my arms and spin around a few times, slowly, inhaling the fresh air. But although my numbness is leaving my body, I don't feel good at all. Enjoying the lovely weather does not improve my awkward situation. Hanyū's absence is like a constant sting. I hate to admit that I don't know what to do without her. Clearing my throat, I loudly proclaim: "All right, Hanyū. Keep hiding in the bushes if you happened to wet yourself or whatever. I can't go on losing our precious time. Follow me when you have finished your petty business over there." With that display of false self-confidence, I turn towards a little path nearby.

A few times I think I hear Hanyū's footsteps following mine, but every time I turn around there's nothing but silence. Although I try to fend them off, my concerns become serious now. A sudden thought makes me stand still. What if she was around before, reading my disdainful thoughts? Even if she did, letting me down like this is not something Hanyū would do easily.

"Come on ... you know I didn't mean it."

Did I? My voice trembled when I said that. Something like a dark cloud appears in front of me, making my features harden as I grind my teeth in frustration.

"Even if I did mean it ... why don't you just stay out of my head? Can't I even keep my thoughts for myself, you little snoop?"

I know she likes to follow people, watching their actions. Not that she could protect them, I think she's just curious. All she can do is apologize. A feeble consolation for people who are eaten by the incurable madness which lingers in this village. Anyway, maybe she can also enter their heads, watching them from the inside as they go crazy. It must be even easier for her to enter my thoughts, because our senses are connected. I shudder as I imagine an angry Hanyū hiding inside my brain, waiting for a believable sign of remorse.

"Stop it," I cry, "stop this! Get out of ... whatever you're hiding in!"

This is when I almost bump into a man. His belly suddenly appears in front of me. I just manage to avoid burying my face in his shirt, which is a bit dirty. Obviously he just finished some gardening work.

"Hello! ... Oh my, you should watch out," he chuckles.

His voice sounds friendly. I know him ...

"Makino! Sorry, ni-paa~"

Smiling brightly, I look up to him. I can activate my cute Rika-chan mode very quickly, if necessary. Even if my thoughts are sombre.

"Oh, it's all right. Never mind." He smiles at me with a slight look of confusion on his face. I think he even frowned for a second.

"Excuse me, I must be going, that's right! Good bye, Makino!"

I walk on quickly, not paying him much attention anymore. I can't think about somebody like him now. But I don't want to be rude, so I look back at him once. He stands there, looking at me, still with the same baffled look, but smiling. At last he answers.

"Good bye, please take care!"

Poor Makino, he must be really perplexed by this unexpected encounter with Oyashiro-sama's reincarnation.

Her reincarnation. But where's Oyashiro-sama herself? What happened to her? Walking straightforward, I start talking to Hanyū without looking around. I'm sure she'll be able to hear what I say, or sense it somehow.

"Fair enough, Hanyū. If you prefer to hide, I certainly won't waste my time looking for you. I'm sure you will show up sooner or later. Is it me who can't go on without you? I think it's the other way round."

That's right. I'm the only one who can see Hanyū, I'm the only one she can really talk to. I'll just wait. I won't cry for her ... sniff. What? Did I just sniff? I touch my right cheek. Did I cry just now? No, my skin feels dry ... this must be a cold. Spring in Hinamizawa. You have to watch out even in this seemingly hopeful time. Nature may smile gently at you, while an icy hand reaches out to grasp you, out of nowhere. When June comes, the hand will definitely seize me. And it will bring much more than just a cold. I start to feel paralyzed, even though my feet walk on and on, making the gravel crunch beneath them.

Suddenly something enters my mind. I always ask Hanyū about the exact date when I see her first in a new Hinamizawa. Now it seems I have to ask someone else. All right then.

"Wait, Makino!"

I run back to the guy who turns around immediately. But ... his expression changes into a slightly angry one. Makino, you used to adore me, right? Maybe he has lots of work to do, or he might come late for some appointment. Whatever.

"Mi-. Makino, could you please tell me the time ... and the date?"

I smile cutely.

"Well ...," he replies, obviously being amazed about my forgetfulness, "it's May xxth, quarter past five."

Then he grins mischievously. "Would you also like to know the year?"

"If you'd be so kind," I reply sweetly.

He must think I'm making fun of him, actually I really have to make sure it's the very year of my death.

"It's the 58th year of Shōwa," he tells me.

Right. Only a few weeks.

"Thanks, Makino. Have a nice day, nipaa~"

Leave me alone, I think. Makino chuckles, obviously gaining pleasure out of this stupid conversation.

"If you are so forgetful even now, will you be able to remember anything at my age?"

Very funny, old geezer. How can you say this to someone who has lived for nearly a hundred years? The truth is, I always die before I get old, so I'll never know.

"Well, I must hurry. Have a nice day."

We both turn around, when he says one last thing.

"By the way ... next time, remember using honorifics when you talk to older people, right? I'm an easy-going fellow, but others might feel insulted, you know."

He grins. Obviously he doesn't want me to feel bad about what he just taught me. But in fact, I can't remember calling him "Makino-san" in the past. He always was just Makino to me. Maybe this Makino is different. Suits me, actually. Why should the old people always be the same in every Hinamizawa? I'm thankful for whatever is different in each of these little worlds. Except for some painful twists like ... I really don't want to think about them now.

Hanyū is still missing. I must force myself not to be paralyzed by her absence. There is a proverb in the west which says "Help yourself, and God won't let you down". I hope this saying relates to my current situation. I must act bravely to prove myself worthy of her assistance. However, I hope it won't take too long ...