Reunion
It's hard to breathe, because I'm afraid even the faintest movement could kill me. She holds me tightly. One hand holds my arms behind my back, the other presses the blade against my throat. It cut me a little bit, but at least now she doesn't want to kill me, I think. I feel her warm breath. And I smell her body. The smell is not as sweet as it used to be, but it's still her. This reminds me a bit of how she used to hold me tightly when she wanted to take me home. I wish it could still be like that. What have I done to deserve this?
"Rena ..." I can barely whisper. It hurts when I try to speak. I groan a little, but she doesn't show any sympathy.
"Who are you? Why are you spying on me?" The voice from behind my back asks me sharply.
"It's just a coincidence ... ow!" The blade cuts me slightly. "Seriously! I'm looking for a place to sleep, so it seems we both found the same cabin. It looks much better than all the others."
Suddenly she turns me around, staying behind me all the time, and makes me face the old cupboard on the other side of the room. She didn't hide in that thing, did she? All your limbs must hurt if you stay within that for more than ten minutes.
Rena speaks again. "Now walk towards the cupboard. Slowly." Her coarse voice makes me feel bad for her. This desperate situation must have hurt her physically and mentally. I do what she says, not only because I'm afraid, but also because I feel pity for her. When I stand near the cupboard, Rena allows me to turn around and face her. I look at her very shyly.
I thought she would not look as decent as I remember her, but to see her this way still shocks me. She's in her usual white dress with a purple ribbon, but it's dirty and torn in a few places. She holds a cleaver in her right hand, very tightly, as if she was afraid I might run. Maybe she's prepared to kill me at once if I try. Her wrists are bandaged ... her neck, too. There are some specks of blood on the bandages, emerging from underneath. I know too well what this blood means, and I swallow hard. Her hair look dishevelled which is kind of cute, but her face does not seem cute at all. It's skinnier than usual and shows a great amount of stress, her teeth clenched, her wide eyes staring at me relentlessly.
"All right, you can rest now. But don't try to escape. What's your name? What's it?"
I sit down very slowly, leaning against the wall next to the cupboard. "xxxxx Rika." I use my father's name, which was his before he married into the Furude family.
"So why are you here, Rika-chan?" Rena asks me without averting her eyes even for a second.
"I ... ran away from home." That came out slowly.
"Haooo, you're a little runaway kitten ..." For a short while, Rena seems to fantasize about picking me up on the road, taking me home and pouring me a nice bowl of milk. But the next moment I think she's not the old Rena. She's only being sarcastic. "Why did you run away, then? Why?" She asks me, narrowing her eyes.
"My parents ... they yell at me and hit me, all the time." That's not a complete lie, because my mother hit me sometimes and my father punished me severely for entering the Saiguden in former worlds.
But Rena keeps looking at me with cold eyes. "You're lying." I get afraid when I see her hand holding the cleaver more tightly than before.
I try to back off, though I sit with my back to the wall. "I'm sorry!" My voice is trembling. I see a kind of wince in Rena's features when she hears my pathetic apology.
She relaxes a bit, leaning against the door but still keeping her guard up. "One more chance." The cleaver makes a scraping noise on the rough wooden floor.
"My parents are not abusive ... I ran away because I did something bad." This is even worse than my first lie. Rena looks at me with a dissatisfied face. Damn, what should I do? She'd never understand the truth.
"I stole a lot of money from them," I continue. "I bought myself some expensive things ..."
Thud. The cleaver hits the ground next to my feet and digs into the floor. "You're lying!" Anger distorts Rena's face.
When I look at the cleaver in horror, I see small marks of blood. So it's true what Mion said ... Tears start forming in my eyes. I don't know if I'm crying for Rena or for myself. She comes close to me and pulls the cleaver up from the floor. Her face nearly touches mine. When she notices my fear, she starts to grin spitefully.
"You think you can fool me with these vague stories? They sound totally made up. If what you say was true, it wouldn't come out so easily and indistinctly."
"Don't hurt me ... I'm not here to spy on you."
"Then tell me the truth. Last chance." It seems it can't be helped.
"I couldn't tell you because it sounds crazy and unbelievable, but it seems I don't have a choice." I take a deep breath. Rena sits down, still full of distrust, but I think she has calmed down a little. It seems her wrists itch, but she suppresses the urge to scratch them violently. She just strokes them a bit.
I continue while watching her cautiously. "You know the theory of parallel universes?"
Rena seems surprised, but I think she notices that I'm getting to the point know. "I'm not sure. Tell me about it."
While talking about my multiple worlds, I try to avoid using a certain name for some time, because I don't know how she will respond to it. But I have to tell her sooner or later. "... And the force that makes it possible is what people in Hinamizawa call 'Oyashiro-sama'."
She doesn't say anything but I can see that this name has quite an impact on Rena. She looks at me strangely and stares in no certain direction for a while. "So you really died in all of these worlds?"
"Yes I did, though I never remember who killed me. It's depressing, isn't it?"
"Look, I don't say I believe you. Let's just pretend I do so because it's an interesting story." Rena looks at me with a slight mischievous smile. "Can you talk to Oyashiro-sama right now? Can you?"
"No. It must sound unbelievable, but I don't have any contact to Oyashiro-sama in this world."
"But I met her," Rena says lowly with a melancholic expression. "She said ..." Suddenly she stops and looks at me with a desperate face. In this very moment, all the sorrows from her troubled past seem to come back to her.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'm sorry." I don't know what else to say, seeing one of my beloved friends in such pain.
Rena looks shocked. Without really noticing it, I repeated Hanyū's usual phrase. It's all she can say when she looks at all the people who fall victim to the Syndrome. I'm astonished, too, because I thought Hanyū was totally absent in this world. But Rena said she met her. Am I the only one she doesn't talk to? No way. "Yes, I know ... In some of these worlds, you told me about it." I look at Rena in frustration, thinking about how I miss Hanyū. Yes, it's embarrassing, but I really miss her.
She still stares at me with a puzzled expression. "So we knew each other in these worlds?" "Yes," I answer, smiling faintly. "You and me, and Mii, and Satoko, and Satoshi ... We were all best friends."
Rena frowns when she hears me not using honorifics, but she doesn't seem irritated. "Oh, Mii-chan. I wonder what she's doing now. Hey ... do you know what happened to Satoshi-kun?"
"It's only a guess, but ... I don't think it's the curse, like some people say."
"You mean he ran away?"
"No. Something else might have happened to him. Satoko was treated once, in the clinic, wasn't she?"
"Oh yes, Mii-chan told me. She was very worried. It was when Satoko-chan's parents had died."
So Satoko really was suffering from the Syndrome. I can't figure out how she survived without me. Am I being frustrated because Hinamizawa can actually exist without me? How abominable ... "Satoshi might have suffered from the same disease," I reply.
"You mean ... he died?" Rena looks horrified.
"Who knows. After all, it's only a guess."
"I see." She looks frustrated but decides to change the subject. "So what will you do to convince me that you're telling the truth?"
"I ... don't know if there's any way at all."
Rena lifts up the cleaver and starts scratching the floor with the blade. The constant sound makes me feel sick. I'd like to scream at her, telling her to stop it, but who knows what she would do then.
Then she suddenly pauses the movement and asks me. "So what's it like when Oyashiro-sama talks to somebody?"
"When she comes to others than me, she always says 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry'."
"All right. But you know, I told some people about that. So you could just have heard it from them and now you try to fool me, to make me trust you and then ..." She looks to the floor, still holding her cleaver tightly. "So what is it really like?"
"You mean ..."
"Imitate her."
How could I do that? I was never talented in impersonating people. It will be a ridiculous act. But I don't want to anger Rena, looking at her hand still clutching the weapon. So I stand up and walk up to her, trying hard to imitate Hanyū's whine. "I'm sorry ... I'm sorry ..."
Rena looks displeased at my attempt. Thinking desperately about how to improve my performance, I raise my index fingers to my temples, pointing them downwards to indicate horns. "I'm sorry ... I'm sorry." Now I stand right next to her. Rena's wide eyes look right up to mine while she keeps sitting down without any motion. My arms sink and I let my head hang down, not knowing what to do to make her believe me.
After a while, she speaks to me very lowly, while her face doesn't show any emotion. "Rika-chan ... are you really sure you have no contact to her in this world?"
"Yes ..."
The big eyes still stare at me without a blink. "That's strange. Because Oyashiro-sama is right behind you."
I freeze, then I turn around swiftly. But there's nothing at all.
"Ahaha, I fooled you! Haoo, your face is so cute now! I wish I could take you home and make you my cat. A soft furry cat with Rika-chan's face, that would be soooo adorable ..."
I can't help smiling at Rena's behaviour, even if she's not as wild as she used to be. In former worlds, she would have seized me and spun me around until I got sick. But now she doesn't even stand up. "OK, Rika-chan, let's pretend I believe you, as I said before. So - the Furude couple were your parents, right?"
"Yeah, sorry for hiding my real name before ... though in fact, in this very world I don't even have a name. Anyway, they were always killed in Shōwa 56. In the 58th year, I'm usually all that's left of the Furude family."
"Isn't it wonderful? I mean, to see your mom and dad alive and well now, being together as a happy couple." She smiles at me.
"To be honest, we had some difficulties. I don't love them the way a normal child should, I'm afraid."
"But you know, family is a sacred and most valuable part of your live. Something you should hold fast to even if it hurts." Rena's eyes stare into the empty space. She looks as if she still believes it but the thought makes her sad.
"What about your family, Rena-san? I think you also had some problems, didn't you?"
Silence.
I can't believe what happens next. Slowly, her face turns into a frightening mask. A ghostly laughter emerges from the depth of her soul.
"Ahaha ... hahaha! That's good! Problems, yes, I had my share of them! I can't complain about having too few issues with my bloody family, I really can't! Aaaaah ..."
Suddenly Rena begins to cry bitterly, covering her face with her hands. Tears run down between her fingers, dripping on the dusty floor here and there. I sit without motion, not knowing how to react because I'm afraid my response could hurt her even more.
"Sorry, Rena-san ... I was stupid. I shouldn't have said anything about that subject."
"Don't be sorry, it doesn't matter anyway!" Her words are interrupted by heavy sobs, sounding as if she's suffocating. "I messed it all up. It can't get any worse, really. I feel so damn stupid, teaching others about family values after destroying my own home." She lowers her hands, showing a distorted face, wet with tears. Helplessly, she keeps herself up with her hands on the ground.
I reply to her shyly. "Please, can I help you in any way?" It feels strange to say something like this. In this Hinamizawa, I feel so helpless myself. In former worlds, I used to give others advice, being Oyashiro-sama's shrine maiden, the secret protegé of the Irie institution and all that. Now I lost it all, I'm in no position to help anybody. But the urge to help them is still there. "Maybe ..." I try to answer my question myself. "Maybe I could just listen to your story."
Rena stops sobbing. She turns her face to me slowly. The painful expression of deep sadness changes. But it doesn't turn to the relieved look of somebody who found help. The mood changes completely and the sadness that filled the room now changes into something dangerous.
"You ..." Rena hisses at me with a vicious expression. "Listening to my story, that would be great, wouldn't it? Dirty little spy." Her eyes glint at me like a snake's while she turns her body towards me. Suddenly she comes at me very quickly and her hands grab my neck. "My story ... is it just some kind of exciting tale for you, just like entertainment? Or did they send you, to fool me with your cute face and lure me into their trap? Oh yeah, stupid Rena who wants to take all cute things home, she will fall for you immediately, they thought? Well, bad luck!" Who is she talking about? The police, or what? I can hardly think while being choked. Her merciless hands push me down, until the back of my head hits the ground and I think my consciousness starts to fade. I can only see the ceiling and some of her hair now, preparing myself for being strangled to death and leaving this horrible world. I remember imagining being loved to death by Rena. But this is not like what I fantasized about. This hurts. Goodbye Rena, once again I couldn't help you ...
As suddenly as it began, the attack stops. While my senses regain their strength, I hear a whisper which sounds like it came from a far distance. "I'm sorry, too ... I'm sorry ... Forgive me! Forgive me, Oyashiro-sama! Why don't you just kill me? Please! I don't want to take any more lives!"
When I find the courage to look at Rena, she sits there with tears in her eyes, looking at some spot above me in desperation. What's there? I'm too exhausted to think about that. I must cough ... my throat hurts terribly. Rena looks down at me with desperation, but also relief in her eyes. "You're still alive ... I'm so happy," she whispers. It seems Oyashiro-sama came to her once again and stopped her from killing me. Was it really Hanyū or just a hallucination?
While Rena seems to be less furious and afraid now, I almost wish she would have really killed me. Then I would have gone back to that dark emptiness, where Hanyū would wait for me and take me to a new world. Wouldn't I? But ... Hanyū has left me. Maybe forever. I don't know why, and perhaps I'll never know. So, if I should die now, would I really die forever?
"Rena ... all this is not your fault. Please believe me." Again, I cough hard. She nearly killed me. My throat hurts like hell.
She looks puzzled, but fights her distrust and just asks me. "Do you mean ... it's just fate or something like that? Is it?" She sniffs, trying to suppress her tears of regret.
I want to smile to encourage her, but I can't. "No. It's a disease." In a few sentences, I try to explain what the Syndrome does to people when they are stressed or afraid, and that Satoko and Satoshi suffered from the same illness. "This is what many call 'Oyashiro-sama's curse'. But it's all explainable by the means of reason and science."
Rena gives me a scary look but stays calm for now. "So Oyashiro-sama appearing in front of me, saying 'I'm sorry' - you're saying that's also created by this disease in my brain?"
"No, no! Oyashiro-sama is real ... and she blames herself for what happens to those who have the symptoms. This is why she follows them, saying she's sorry."
"And why do you know so much about the disease?"
"Because I'm the queen carrier." I continue explaining what this means ... I have never talked so much about these things to one of my friends. Am I so desperate about this world, that I don't care anymore? Or has the isolation I'm in opened my mind so that I can act more freely? I certainly don't want to put Rena in more danger, but as I don't have any connections to Irie and Takano anymore, I don't see any danger in telling her.
Rena starts wiping away the sticky remnants of tears from her cheeks and sniffs a few times. "I don't understand one thing. You're not Furude-san's daughter in 'this Hinamizawa', right? But you said the youngest female descendant of the main Furude family is the queen carrier, didn't you? So the queen carrier must be Furude-san."
I fall silent. This is a simple truth which I didn't want to see out of plain arrogance. When I die or run away in this world, probably nothing will happen to Hinamizawa. Anyway, I can't imagine leaving Hinamizawa and my friends. If I go somewhere and grow up far away from here, nothing will be solved. The truth behind my repeated deaths will never be revealed and I'll never meet Hanyū again.
"Why should somebody murder a little girl?" Rena continues as if talking to herself. "Because this girl is something special. The witness of a crime perhaps, or the daughter of a very important person." Then she turns her face to me as if she could look right through me. "In your case, I guess it's that 'queen carrier' thing."
"Thinking logically, you could come to that conclusion, but ..." I try to explain why I still think it's something else, but Rena interrupts me.
"Which means - in 'this Hinamizawa', if the other circumstances haven't changed, Furude-san must be in danger. Even if she made it until today."
What? My mother is in danger? When I hear that Rena's thoughts remain with her, I notice that my own thoughts usually stick to myself, and my friends maybe. Not to my mom, because I've grown accustomed to her death. But before I say that aloud, Rena's words about the sacredness of family echo in my mind. If she criticized me for being selfish while she values her parents so highly, from her point of view, she would be totally right. But from my perspective it's different, isn't it?
"At least," Rena continues, "somebody should tell her."
While talking to her, I haven't mentioned so far that I found out who is responsible for my mom's death. That's because I'm afraid Rena could develop even more paranoia when being told that the Irie institution can make people disappear without any difficulty.
"Rena-san, you said something about 'them' before, who might send people to trap you ... who did you mean?"
She keeps her posture, almost as if she was frozen, looking at the wall. "When I lie awake at night," she replies very lowly, "sometimes I hear people walking about in the woods and talking to each other. They never got very near to my cabin, but sometimes I'm so afraid I can't even breathe ..."
I know Rena is in a very paranoid state of mind, but her tale still frightens me. "Did you sometimes ... hear what they said?"
"Yes, once I heard something ..." She turns to me with fear in her eyes, making me feel the same. "It was like: Make sure there's no escape route over there."
My thoughts start spinning. I don't know what to think. "No escape route ... You think they were talking about you?"
She shakes her head slowly. "No idea. But even if they were talking about someone else, or more than one person ... It still sounds dangerous, doesn't it?"
It certainly does. But what Rena tells me sounds like a paranoid person's hallucination. Or do I just want to neglect what she overheard, blaming it on her condition?
"Furude-san is a courageous woman." Rena changes the subject. "Her husband is brave, too. Do you know, Rika-chan? They became Satoko-chan's legal guardians."
"Oh yeah, I heard that already." I must sound grumpy, being reminded of Satoko having taken my place.
Rena gives me a sharp look. It seems like she knows what I'm thinking. "That means ... they've made important people their enemies. The Sonozaki family reproached them before, blaming them for not having any children. Who can say they didn't want any?"
"Mion-san told me. My ..., I mean, Furude-san can't have children of her own," I reply flatly.
"So the Sonozaki family knows, you see? Still they accused them for leaving one of the Three Families without a successor. Moreover, some people assume she's having an affair with somebody else, and doesn't get pregnant from her husband because she neglects him. And when Satoshi-kun disappeared ..."
I suppress the urge to interrupt her.
"... they took care of Satoko, treating her almost like their daughter." ... A daughter they never had. The words echo in my head, causing pain like shards of glass floating around, leaving cuts here and there.
"So the Sonozaki family reproached them even more. It's only because they're still one of the Three Families and the keepers of the belief in Oyashiro-sama that they haven't been ostracized like the Hōjōs, you know?"
"Please stop ..." Her words enforce my pain. I can't stand not being part of that tale. Seeing that Hinamizawa works without me, even if there are the same difficulties, almost hurts me physically. Rena closes her mouth and stares at the walls of the small room. I notice the daylight is dying slowly. Outside, the soft cries of the Higurashi echo in the air. We're just like them, I think. Small and fragile beings who sigh helplessly without being understood by the people around us.
"Maybe it's not a bad idea after all." Rena speaks hesitantly, still looking at the wall.
"What do you mean?" I try to make an eye contact with her, but she doesn't turn her face to me.
"You know, telling you. What you wanted to know earlier. My story," she replies softly. "I mean, it's like a big poisonous lump inside of me. If I don't tell anybody, it will swell up and maybe destroy me in the end. Even if I'm doomed, anyway ... maybe I can relieve this pressure if someone listens. After all, it's better to tell you myself than to know others will tell you their short-sighted version of it. They don't know the reason. Why it was right to do it."
"But you don't have to tell me if you don't really want to, all right?" I'm afraid Rena might grow suspicious of me again. Even if she truly regrets the last attack, there's no certainty that she won't jump at me again. She thinks maybe I'm a spy in service of these men who talk in the forest at night. But who the hell are they?
"Rika-chan, do you know what happened before I returned to Hinamizawa?"
In fact, many things happened. "Your parents got a divorce, right?" I try to answer carefully, but she throws a dark glance at me.
"That's not quite right. It was my mother who left us. She wanted to live with a younger co-worker called Akihito. My dad would never have thought of a divorce. He supported her in any way he could. I still don't get it and at that time, it seemed even more absurd to me what she did. She treated my dad just like trash. She didn't even talk to him anymore." She sniffs quietly. It sounds like she's suppressing tears of anger. "Anyway, after that I became very ill. I blamed myself for what happened. But when I started to hurt myself so badly that I was going to die ..." She looks at me like she's asking me to continue.
"Oyashiro-sama came," I say very lowly.
"Right. It's not Rena's fault, she said. Return to Hinamizawa. It's all because of the curse. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"And that's what you did, right? You and your father returned here."
"I thought we would become happy once again. At first, it really looked as if we had gained our happiness. At least I was very happy, being friends with Mii-chan, Satoshi-kun and Satoko-chan. But sometimes my dad's sadness came over him. He wanted to hide the feelings he still had for his wife. He just wasn't able to understand what had happened. Of course, I would comfort him every time. We'll be fine, just the two of us, I said. And somehow, it always worked out. That went on until the beginning of this month." Rena's tears come back and it gets harder for her to speak, but after a while she continues.
"My dad got a letter. He didn't tell me then, though. It was from that woman ... my mother, so to speak. Before he opened it, he must have been so glad, because he thought maybe she wanted to make up with him. But the letter said something different. In fact, it was even worse than everything she had done before."
"I can't imagine what it was ..." But while I say so, I get an idea of the letter's content. Damn ... While I think about it, Rena starts chuckling bitterly.
"Well, when I found that letter, I saw what that woman had written him. She told him she wanted her daughter. After all she'd done, she dared to ask him to send me to her place in Ibaraki so I could live with her and Akihito. But that wasn't all. That bitch even wrote that she was going to go to court, if he didn't hand me over voluntarily. She added that his chances would be low if he didn't surrender. Finally, she told him that he was an unemployed loser and he couldn't offer me a proper education, while she had all the means to make sure I become someone important in the world of business. I couldn't believe it when I read all that. Should I call such a mean woman my mother? No way!"
While I look at Rena talking, she becomes more and more furious. Then I notice she's scratching her wrists. This isn't good. "Calm down, Rena!" I'm so afraid that she'll lash out at me again, but I must stop her.
"It itches ... like hell." Her face looks like a demon's now. I curse myself for asking her to tell me that story. After all, was it my own curiosity rather than the wish to help Rena by listening.
"Stop it, Rena ... She can't reach you now! You're safe in here."
"Oyashiro-sama ..." She breathes heavily. Somehow the word seems to calm her down. "You're a good girl, Rika-chan. Don't worry, I'll try to stay calm." After a few deep breaths, she goes on. "Sorry for that. Now I told you the contents of that letter, but at first I didn't know anything about it. Life seemed to go on normally, even though my father looked depressed, but that wasn't new to me. So I didn't react because I didn't want to trouble him by making him tell me about it. What a fool I've been. One day I came home after playing with Mii-chan. I remember feeling so happy when I entered the house, because we had played one of her new board games and I had won a few times. I was looking forward to telling my dad about it. But the house was ... all silent. He rarely left the house without telling me, so I got a bit worried instantly. On the table - there was a letter."
Rena lifts her hand and touches her face. I notice her eyes are getting wet again, but I can't do anything to comfort her. But I still think telling me will help her somehow. Am I just trying to justify my own curiosity?
"When I saw it, I sensed something terrible at once," Rena continues with a shivering voice. "The letter said: Rena, I can't look after you any more. I have failed, you see. I don't deserve to be together with my daughter who's doing so much for me. Your mother will take care of you from now on. Below there's her address. Please take everything you need. I'm not coming back. Don't look for me because you won't find me. Forget me, OK? That's better for all of us. - That's what the letter said. I must have stared at it for at least half an hour without moving. It couldn't be real, you know? We don't have many relatives, and when I called them, nobody knew anything. I didn't want to see that woman. How could he be so cruel and leave me to her? When I had read the letter, I got on my bike and looked in all kinds of places in Hinamizawa, then in Okinomiya. But I couldn't find him. Though I was terribly exhausted, I was lying awake the whole night and didn't go to school the next day. Then I started searching the whole house because I thought I was going to find an answer. And so I did. I found her letter ... and something else. He had thrown it away carelessly. How typical of my dad! Maybe he ... wanted me to find it, so I knew what he couldn't tell me ..."
Rena seems perfectly calm now, looking at the wall, but her eyes look icy cold. I hope she won't face me with these eyes ... But the next moment, she does turn to me, and I feel like my whole body is freezing.
"It was a receipt from the chemist in Okinomiya," the cold eyes say to me. "He had bought sleeping pills the day before. And I couldn't find any trace of them in the house. Which means ..."
What is this? Why am I seeing a small tube of sleeping pills now? And the strangest thing is ... it's on top of some pieces of trash in a dustbin. I see myself at the side of the road in Hinamizawa, looking at this dustbin, and the tube of sleeping pills in it. It's a new tube and it hasn't been touched yet. Not a single pill seems to be missing. That means ...
"I wasn't there to give him that lucky charm," I whisper. Rena looks at me in confusion. "Sorry, what did you say?" I can't tell her about this. "Sorry, I said - how terrible." Rena doesn't seem to believe me. With a suspicious face, she continues. "When I was searching Hinamizawa that day, I already knew what I didn't want to accept. That woman had virtually killed him. At last, I went to the Onigafuchi swamp. And there ... he had tried to hide his shoes and his jacket, putting them beneath a small bush. But for me, it was quite obvious. I knew ... again, it was like he wanted me to see what he couldn't express in words."
This sounds very much like what my mother allegedly did in former worlds, though I know it's not true. I was never told what happened to her in detail, though ... Even though she wasn't very friendly to me, I hope she didn't have to suffer. Rena looks at me. Maybe she wants me to say something about her discovery.
"So you think he's dead?"
Rena gives me a look of silent confirmation. "After that, I walked back home with the things I had found. It felt like eternity, you know? Like the ground stuck to my feet. I wanted to lie down in the middle of the road, I wanted to die there. But then I started to feel different. Like being watched."
This doesn't sound unfamiliar. "Watched by who?", I ask her.
"I can't tell, but maybe ... someone who didn't want it to end that way. It felt like I had to go on, or that observer would sneer at me."
"Did you feel threatened by that observer?"
"No, I rather felt encouraged. Even if it was scary, at least someone was with me, even if I couldn't see who it was. It was almost like ... being watched by myself. Another me that wasn't scared."
"So ... what was that other 'you' like?"
"First of all, that other me was very determined. She didn't want me to lie down in the dirt and hope for my end to come. Neither did she want me to scratch my throat when this terrible itch started. As I walked, I could almost feel her, walking behind me. I could even hear her footsteps. And it was that other me who decided to visit the person I least wanted to see." Rena's gaze becomes fierce, like she experiences the determination of that other self once again.
"This other self made me go home, grab a few things, go to the Okinomiya station and buy a ticket to Ibaraki. Normally, you would talk to people on the phone first before you visit them, but I couldn't do that. It was hard enough to take that train, knowing that it would bring me nearer to them minute by minute. I didn't want to, I really didn't! But the time came when the train stopped and I got out. I was telling myself I could still go back. But that way, sooner or later, they would have come for me. I wanted to finish it my way."
Finish it? Rena, what did you ...
"So I took the bus and went to that house. Their apartment was beautiful, yet I hated it from the moment I saw it. I didn't want to live in such a place, where that woman's cruel thoughts were poisoning the air. It was so hard to me to ring the bell. There was a nice fancy sound, but when I heard it I felt like vomiting. And then ... that bastard Akihito opened the door. What a nice surprise, he said. I didn't really answer. It felt like my heart was boiling with anger. Then I heard that woman. Reina, I'm so happy, she cried. Then they talked to me, and talked, and talked. I found out ... they sent my dad this letter just to threaten him. They couldn't really have taken me from him. It felt like looking down a black abyss everything you care about has fallen into. They talked about it as if it was a joke. They laughed because my father had fallen for it so easily ..."
It seems that she gets so angry that she can't talk anymore. Rena is trembling slightly. She tries to calm down while looking at the bandaged wrist of her right arm, obviously fighting the urge to scratch it.
"I don't know what I said, I was like a robot, answering automatically. They asked me many questions but didn't talk about my dad any longer, like he didn't matter any more. I was standing between all the charming furniture in that marvellous living room, which was like a living hell to me. What's in your bag, they asked. Where's all your stuff, they asked. Well, you can have new things ... certainly your father wasn't able to provide you with what a lovely girl like you needs. Then, I took it out of my bag and showed it to them."
I close my eyes.
"I attacked Akihito first because I knew he was physically stronger than her. If I had targeted that woman first, he would have been able to overpower me, taking my cleaver. So I had to use the surprise effect on him. I had thought it through before, so I knew that I was going to go for his throat. If you manage to cut the throat deeply, that person's consciousness will fade very quickly and he or she will bleed to death in a short time. So I struck at that throat, as fast and as hard as I could. That throat wasn't even human ... it was just a throat. Unfortunately, he didn't lose his consciousness instantly. Instead, he staggered about with blood gushing out from his neck, making a terrible mess in that pretty white living room. I was afraid he would get up for a counterattack, but that didn't happen. So I turned to that screaming person who was backing off with a hysterical face. As she understood I wouldn't show any mercy, she tried to run but I managed to cut her leg and she fell down on a carpet which looked like a piece of art. Then I spoke to her. If you see my dad, you don't have to apologize, I said. Just make sure you stay away from him. Then I started to strike at her with my cleaver. I don't know when she lost her consciousness. I just struck again and again, till my right hand started to hurt terribly. At the end, I barely looked at what I had done. The scrunching noises had told me enough. What was staring up at me, hardly resembled a human face. Maybe I was silent while I killed her, or maybe I was screaming. I just know that I couldn't stop, because I was being watched all the time. And whoever was watching me didn't want me to spare that person, even after she had already died."
Rena is breathing heavily. I can't move. My body feels numb.
"I was still looking at all the blood on the floor, when I heard something like a baby crying. So I went past Akihito who was still twitching a little, being terribly pale from losing so much blood. And when I searched the rooms, I found a baby in a small bed. And I remembered my mom had told me she was pregnant, before she had left us. So this was the child. And it was weeping. I stood there, with my cleaver, which was smeared with the blood of this baby's parents. Then I had to make a decision. I went to the bathroom and took my clothes off, then I took a shower to wash away the dirty blood which was sticking to my skin. Even if it was sickening, I had to use one of their towels and put on one of her dresses. I stuffed my own clothes into my bag. Then I took the baby and left the house. This was crazy. The child would have starved if I had left it in that house, so I went outside on the street and asked a woman to hold it for a few minutes. I told her I'd only get a few things in a nearby shop. She was careless enough not to watch me, so I ran away. Then I started to cry very hard, but not for the two persons who were guilty of my father's death. I cried for the poor child who would now grow up without his parents. Would I have spared them if I had seen the baby before? I don't know."
Some time passes until Rena turns her face to me. She finds me sitting silently, feeling like all blood has drained from my face, unable to process what she told me. I thought I was used to all the tragedies. But I never suspected that something like that could happen. So this tragedy is totally new for me, and it makes me feel like experiencing something horrible like that for the first time. I wish I could cry, but I ran out of tears long ago, in a distant world.
She was sick. Rena couldn't help it. It was the syndrome. She couldn't do anything against it. Still ...
"Then I went back to Hinamizawa. There, in the backyard, I noticed I had actually hurt myself with my own weapon when killing them. I must still have been bleeding while I was going back by train. Anyway, I knew I didn't have much time left, so I took some vital things and our money, and left for Takatsudo ... to go on deciding myself what becomes of me, as long as I can."
So that's Rena's story.
"You hate me now. Don't deny it. Mii-chan and Satoko loved me. Now they want to see me rot in prison forever, or see me dead." Rena's face is calm, she's not mad at me. She just tells me what she thinks is a fact.
"But, Rena ... Mii still loves you." I can hardly speak after listening to her words of horror, but I have to tell her. "I've seen her at the school gate. She was still waiting, when all the students were already inside the classroom. Who do you think she was waiting for? She was waiting for you. She won't be happy till you come back to her class. She wants to talk to you and play with you again. And I think she's going to wait as long as it takes." I'm not sure about it, though. Even if Mion feels like that deep inside, when I saw her at the school fence I didn't know if she was standing there to wait for a friend, or to protect her class from an enemy.
"That sounds nice ... I'll try to make myself believe it." Rena smiles. How can she smile now? "But you know, Rika-chan ... I'm already lost. What I believe, what I'll do, or if I live or die, doesn't matter. Not because I think it was wrong to kill those two. It's because I believe it was right to kill them, that I'm lost to this world. I can't relate to its rules anymore."
"Rena, even if you can't accept it now ... I just want you to understand some day, in the future, that you weren't yourself that day. You need to accept that, because you need to tell the world that it was not Rena who did it. So the world will be able to accept you for what you really are. A sweet person who shares their lunch with her friends and collects cute things. And more important, a good-hearted, reliable friend ... and a vital part of this village."
"Thank you ... But you know, I did it. What are you thinking? There's no other person who could have killed them."
"You told me yourself. There was someone who was watching you. Someone who wouldn't have let you stop. That proves it! That other person was something like the disease controlling you."
"Sorry, that's nothing but a poor excuse ..." But while Rena mumbles that to herself, unwilling to except any kind of help, she frowns. Apparently she doubts what she said before. The wall of her defiance seems to be cracking. "You know ... I had a similar thought myself, when I was remembering what I had done. The person who was watching me was Reina. Reina is a lost girl, she's full of hate and sadness. The sweet smiling girl is someone I made up for my friends. Like I made up that 'Rena' name. But they're both inside of me. Rena couldn't resist when Reina told her to kill. Maybe, after all, they're not as different as I thought." She gives me a very sad look.
"You just need time," I reply. "Rena needs time to recover from those horrible experiences. As your life goes on, every day the distance between you and those events will grow."
"As my 'life' goes on? What kind of life are you imagining, Rika-chan?"
"A new life ... maybe far away from Hinamizawa. But you'll still be Rena."
"But I'll be cursed for leaving this village."
"Oyashiro-sama will understand, I'm sure. Please believe me."
"So ... you really don't hate me? I thought you would spit at me after I had finished my story."
"No, I don't hate you. I told you about all these past worlds, didn't I? In most of them, you were one of my best friends. So you've been my friend for about a hundred years. That's not so bad, isn't it?"
"... Most of them?"
"We had some quarrels here and there. You know, I can also be a nasty person from time to time."
Rena smiles faintly like she thinks I'm telling her a lie out of sympathy. But I know better.
"Rika-chan ... I still haven't told you that I'm sorry for attacking you earlier. I nearly killed you. It hurts me so much to think that I did that. Please, can I ask you something strange?"
"Yeah, just ask." I smile faintly.
"Let me ... just hold you for a few seconds. Even if I can't be forgiven, it will grant me the illusion of forgiveness. And I'll show you that you don't need to fear me anymore."
"All right, Rena. I'm not afraid of you. So I won't back off when you come to me."
I watch Rena's sad eyes as she approaches me very slowly. Then she gives me a shy hug which is totally different from all the "take you home" attacks I experienced in my old worlds. It feels so strange. Everything, this place, this situation, being so near to Rena, a girl who slaughtered the person who gave birth to her. I could tell her all the time that it was a disease which made her do that. The disease stimulated her understandable hatred for her mother beyond control, so that she committed that horrible crime. Normally she might only have fantasized about it. You can argue if even that's a crime in itself. Still certainly it was the disease which made her do it actually. But - even if I told her a thousand times that she's not guilty, she won't believe me. Because she'll always remember the screams of fear, the sight of the corpses and the smell of blood whenever she'll hear the word 'mother'.
Rena hugs me more tightly than before. I can feel her calming down by the way she breathes. Some time passes with both of us being silent. Then I remember my situation. "Rena ... Sorry, but I have no place to go. I wondered if ... I can spend the night here with you."
She stares at me in amazement. "What ... you want ... yes, of course! To think that I'll share a room with somebody again ... I mean, or do you want to stay in a separate room? This cabin has actually two rooms." She points at the cupboard. "See? I pushed that cupboard to cover the door, so the smaller room can be entered through the cupboard. That's where I came from earlier."
Slowly I stand up. My backside starts to hurt terribly from sitting on the hard wooden floor for such a long time.
"Go on, have a look at it," Rena tells me. There it is again, Rena's smile. Maybe there's still hope for her. But is it right to encourage a murderer to go on in her life, while the people she killed can't anymore? How can I hate the people who killed me in the past worlds, if I don't judge another murderer the same way, just because she's one of my beloved friends? Maybe the unknown person who keeps cutting me up at the end of most worlds is also just a victim of the syndrome ... would I like it if someone came and patted that person's head, saying "you just have to become yourself again, then everything will be all right?" I guess I'm far from perfect. So I smile back at Rena.
She detached the backside from the cupboard, but she put it back there so it won't look suspicious even when you look at the inside. When you push the back aside, you can actually enter a room through the cupboard. "The cupboard wasn't as tall as the door. So I had to pile some things on top of it, to make the entrance invisible," Rena tells me. She also had to remove the door from its place, hiding it in the secret room. Rena must be a strong girl. But this also reminds me that sometimes the syndrome can increase the patient's physical strength, making him or her a dangerous opponent.
I'm amazed when I take a look inside the other room. It is dimly lit through a small window. The daylight has faded but you can still see what Rena put in there. There's a futon with some sheets. I also see books and plush toys. There are some bottles and pots, some canned food and some sweets. There's also a small stove with a pipe going up to the ceiling, so she can keep this room warm during the night. In this time of the year, it still gets very cold at night.
"I get so tired while looking at the futon," I tell Rena with a suppressed yawn. Then I notice something different. "Rena ... how do you go to the toilet around here?" She giggles. "There's a western-style toilet in one of the abandoned houses, that direction." She points with her finger. "It still works. I only have to refill the flushing tank when it's empty. But when you go there, you have to make sure no-one's around."
Of course nobody's around. I scurry through the cool air of the evening. I wonder if they will find Rena eventually. Is she planning to stay here for a long time? Or will she do something to herself eventually? Inside the house, I switch on a torch light Rena gave me. Oh, there are spiders in here. I must not look at them. The house is very small, so I find the toilet quickly. While I'm on the toilet seat, I try not to think of anything, concentrating on the feeling of physical relief. The liquid sound helps me to calm down for a little while. But the fear comes back soon. This won't work out ... Rena will have to face the law. If she goes to the police, there's still hope. I must ask her to do that. With a sigh, I get up.
When I come back to the cabin, Rena is busy preparing the futon. "Look, two can sleep on this. We'll huddle together so it will be nice and warm, haooo ..."
While I look at her, I feel very tired again. At last physical exhaustion will help me put my worried mind at rest. Rena passes me a nightgown which is, of course, too large, but I don't mind. With a yawn, I take off my dirty dress, which should have been washed long ago, and slip into the clean nightgown. When I take a step towards the cupboard, ready to enter the back room, I nearly fall because my body has reduced mental awareness to a minimum.
"Come, come," Rena tells me giggling. She seems totally back to her normal self now. Just a short time ago, she told me these horrible things. It's like her personality is divided in two different identities, one showing and the other hiding invisibly, but ready to appear when called. Like this cabin has a hidden back room.
Then she frowns. "Do you think we need to light a fire in the oven?" I don't feel any heat or cold, so I just tell her I don't need it because the futon will be warm enough. "All right." Rena closes the cupboard door from the inside and pushes the back wall to its place from the inside. Now the back room will be invisible from the entry of the cabin. With a satisfied look on her face, Rena enters the futon. There's not much space, so we nestle to each other. As a single child, this is an unfamiliar experience for me. It feels nice, though, having the body of someone I believed lost so near to me. I try not to show my fear of facing the other Rena, or Reina, again, strangling me suddenly while I sleep.
As if she knew, Rena feels for my hand and grasps it. "Nothing to be afraid of, Rika-chan. I want to enjoy this time of peace. It's like the old days, with my friends at school. Even though you weren't there, it feels like I knew you back then ... Strange, isn't it? Oh, and Rika-chan ..."
"Yes?" I feel drowsy.
"You know, about Oyashiro-sama ... I told you she was behind you, when we talked before."
"What? ... Oh, that. But you were joking, weren't you?"
"I said so ... But that wasn't true. In fact ..."
I open my eyes widely, having been nearly ready for sleeping. Rena's big eyes are right in front of mine. A slight shiver runs along my back.
She speaks softly. "... Oyashiro-sama was really there, looking down at you all the time."
I can't think of any reply. I just stare at Rena's face which looks strangely peaceful.
"Good night, Rika-chan." She reaches out very slowly and touches my cheek. Then she closes her eyes.