It was over in seconds, it had ended before it had really begun. Monty's heart was thumping so loudly in his chest it was beginning to hurt on a scale that scared him. He had just kissed his best friend. What had happened to his determination to keep his feelings hidden? Where had his defiant will to keep Jasper as a friend (safe, secure and still around) gone? Monty had just made a huge mistake and he didn't know how to fix it. No words seemed to fit; no actions seemed to be a good idea, especially since actions were what had landed him here.

Monty knew the possible consequences and Jaspers reaction was proof that Monty had had every right to suspect the worse. Jasper currently had a mixture of distress, disgust and outrage working his features. Seconds after Monty had initiated the kiss he had scuttled back as quickly as he could until his back was against the wall. Monty was appalled by his own actions. He had never meant for this to happen. He had been so overcome with desire, care and love in that moment that any sense he had left had vanished.

Monty was so unsure of himself, what would happen now? This was worse than he had imagined; his imagination came far below what was happening right now. "Jasper I-"

"I need to go." Jasper blurted out before swiftly and at a crushingly quick pace got up and walked out the apartment. He was gone. Monty had just ruined the best thing he had. He felt sick. He could feel the hatred for himself circling around in his stomach.

The tears were overwhelming as Monty clutched his face in his hands. He hadn't cried like this in a long time, he felt dejected. He had forgotten how painful it was. The tears became more obnoxious gliding faster down his face creating pools in his hands. His body automatically closed in on itself, much like his heart was doing, curling up into a tight ball, hugging his knees to his chest and hiding. It was painful to do so but the physical pain didn't compare to the emotional pain. Monty could only see the betrayal on Jasper's angry face as he thought of the different 'what ifs' he had come up with so many times before however this scenario hadn't been among them.

Monty had been rejected countless times, his heart crushed and left deflated but Jasper had never left him. He supposed it had been a vain hope that Jasper would still accept Monty or perhaps just try and laugh it off saying that they got too caught up in the moment. Jasper had even punched him once and they had still managed to talk things through and come to an understanding. All of them were vain hopes.

Monty had even entertained the idea that Jasper wouldn't reject him. That he felt the same way as Monty and that they could figure this out together just like they always did. Monty had been met with dozens of small kisses in response to his confession before too, an idea that had made him giddy with excitement and pleasure before he realised that it wasn't real. It would never be real.

The 'what ifs' had been a form of preparation for the inevitable and since Monty had never been sure on how Jasper would react he had come up with many. They hadn't helped after all. They hadn't prepared his heart or his gut. Monty could still feel the sensation of having Jasper's lips against his own, soft and warm and perfect. He wanted to feel them again.

When Monty finally lifted his head to check the time it was already 3am. He forced himself up and to his bedroom stripping off his clothes before wrapping himself into his quilt.

'What if' hadn't prepared his heart or his gut. 'What if' had made the situation feel and look ten times worse. 'What if' had made Monty stupidly hold onto hope when there was none.

Monty could still feel the sensation of having Jasper's lips against his own, soft and warm and perfect. He wanted to feel them again. He wanted to see Jasper's smiling face because it was so goddamn beautiful. Monty wanted to apologise, say it meant nothing, that it was just a stupid prank – anything to bring him back. But if there was one thing Monty was not, it was a liar. He would never lie to Jasper.

When Monty finally lifted his head to check the time it was already 3am. He forced himself up and to his bedroom stripping off his clothes before wrapping himself into his quilt. The tears hadn't stopped for a second, his eyes red and raw and uncomfortably sore. Monty felt as if had set a cold fire burning in his soul throbbing and aching as it spread to every inch of his body.

Monty hears a thump against his bedroom door. He rolls out of bed using his quilt as a cushion against the cold hard floor and shuffles to the door leaning against it. "Do you hate me?"

"Are you an idiot?"

"I just kissed you so I think that's definitely plausible…no its certain" Monty hears a shaky laugh and a small wind ignites, ready to push away the icy fire currently entrapping his heart, with hope that Jasper won't abandon their friendship. Even if Jasper says he wants nothing to do with him a heart can't be shattered twice by the same person, right?

"I need to understand what it meant to you first. I need to know why you kissed me." Jasper was taking his time, figuring out what should and shouldn't be said. "Please tell me Monty. Tell me why."

"I…" Jasper was looking at him earnestly but he looked pained right now. Monty hated it. "I just really wanted to...have done for a while. You know what that means right?" Monty couldn't read the expression on Jasper's face now so he continued. "I like you. It's more than just being friends, I want more. But I was never planning on you finding out." Monty explained solemnly.

"You like me?" Jasper asked breathlessly.

"Yeah."