Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Note: This is the final chapter of this story. When I started posting it, I wasn't sure if I was happy with it, but I was pleasantly surprised at how much interest people showed in it. This chapter ties up a few remaining loose ends and brings this part of Clarke's story to a nice conclusion. By the time it ends, Mount Weather was almost a year ago, so hopefully with that in mind the actions of one character in particular won't seem completely unrealistic. I think that's all that needs saying. Enjoy!
Summer
Clarke expects living in a community again to take some getting used to, but she actually settles back in just fine. She's given a tent of her own in the village of the former delinquents. Octavia subtly makes sure it's next to her tent in case Clarke needs her, Bellamy organizes her some bedding, Raven finds her a fresh sketchpad as a welcome back present, and Abby fusses over Clarke until she's rearranged her meager belongings a hundred times inside the tent. For a few days everybody treats her as something of a celebrity, but finally she starts to settle in.
Meals in the tent village are communal with the designated hunters bringing in food for the whole group. It feels strange not having to do her own hunting anymore. The tent village is mostly empty during the day since everyone has jobs to do in the main camp, but in the evenings it feels like being back at the drop ship. Kids sit around campfires and talk and laugh and play games and drink moonshine from the forbidden still that Abby seems forever unable to locate, although Clarke's pretty sure her mother's meager efforts are all just for show. The former delinquents readily accept Clarke back, drawing her into whatever level of fun is currently occurring. Jasper still says no more to her than absolutely necessary, but he doesn't go out of his way to avoid her either. All in all, the place quickly starts to feel like home.
Nights are a bit more complicated. Being around all of these faces does reopen some of her wounds ever so slightly. The nightmares that had almost completely faded make a bit of a reappearance during her first few weeks back, although they aren't nearly as bad as when she first left. But they must make her thrash in her sleep, because Octavia always seems to know when the nightmares come. When they do, she comes into Clarke's tent and shakes her awake and then beds down beside her for the rest of the night. They don't ever talk about it. They don't have to. Octavia's presence is usually enough for Clarke to drift back off to sleep.
Since all of the delinquents are expected to pull their weight somehow, Clarke gets roped in as a medical assistant in the short-staffed infirmary. There aren't many extreme injuries anymore now that the war is over, so most days the workload is fairly light. But it gives Clarke an excuse to spend some time with her mom when Abby's not busy running the camp. Besides, the work Clarke does as a sort of intern doctor makes her feel useful. And it seems a fitting reversal that she should spend her time now healing instead of killing. She may have mostly accepted what she did at Mount Weather, but some part of her still feels that she needs to make up for it somehow.
That part of her rears its ugly head during her second week back at Camp Jaha. She's in the infirmary with Jackson when Raven comes in. She was working with a piece of machinery and managed to slice her left arm up pretty good. There's no serious damage, but the cut is long and deep and needs several stitches to staunch the flow of blood. That part goes fine. Stitches are old hat for Clarke. And listening to Raven complaining about the damn engineers who built the stupid thing with sharp edges actually makes the process fairly entertaining.
Things don't get ugly until she's finished the job and has dipped a towel in a bucket of water so she can wash Raven's blood off her hands. She looks down at them, and suddenly all she can see is blood. Raven's voice fades from Clarke's awareness as the sight of red becomes overwhelming. Suddenly it's not just Raven's blood. It's the blood of the first deer she killed at the beach. And then it's Finn's and Dante's and Maya's and the rest of the Mountain Men's and then all she can see is red everywhere. Her chest is so tight she can barely breathe. She's scrubbing her hands as hard as she can, but no matter what she does, it won't come off.
She doesn't even hear Raven calling her name until the mechanic's hands are closing around hers. The sudden contact makes her jump as her brain pulls back to reality.
"Clarke, stop!" Raven says frantically.
Only then does she see that most of the blood is off her hands, which she's nearly rubbed raw. She looks up in shock as she realizes she's hyperventilating. Raven takes one look at her face and turns over to where Jackson is examining a man's sore throat.
"Out!" Raven yells. Jackson and the man both look up in surprise. "Now!"
Raven may be small, but the hard tone of her voice makes it very clear that she will hurt them if she has to. The two men quickly make their way to the door, letting the curtain over it fall closed behind them. Clarke takes a step back and sits on the bed Raven was just sitting on as she struggles to catch her breath. It's like her lungs just can't get enough oxygen.
"I'm gonna get Abby," Raven says worriedly.
She turns to leave, but Clarke catches hold of her sleeve.
"Don't leave," she desperately chokes. It takes everything in her just to get the words out. She can feel tears welling in her eyes, but she doesn't care. The last time this happened she was completely alone, and it was terrifying. She doesn't want to go through that again.
Raven looks torn between staying and running for Abby, and for a second Clarke is terrified that she'll go. But then her jaw sets and she sits down on the bed beside Clarke.
"I'm not," Raven says. She takes Clarke's hand in her own, and Clarke immediately holds on for dear life. "I'm right here, okay? But you gotta breathe."
Clarke nods and her other hand clenches around the edge of the bed as her lungs try to get enough oxygen. She feels like she's suffocating. Raven starts running her free hand up and down Clarke's back in an attempt at comfort.
"You're fine," Raven says, fighting to keep her tone even. "Just keep breathing."
It takes Clarke a few minutes to calm herself down. Raven keeps talking to her until the gasping stops, at which point she falls silent while Clarke slowly but surely evens out her breathing. Finally Clarke wipes her eyes, which have begun leaking tears, and looks over at Raven, who is watching her in concern.
"I'm okay," she says weakly.
"You sure?" Raven asks. Clarke nods. "What happened?"
"I don't know," Clarke says. Her throat is hoarse from gasping. She looks down at her free hand, which still shows a faint bloodstain. "There was blood all on my hands and I just..."
She trails off, unable to complete the sentence. But Raven seems to get what she's saying because she gives Clarke's hand a comforting squeeze.
"How often does that happen?" Raven asks quietly. It never ceases to amaze Clarke that the fiery mechanic who takes crap from no one can become so gentle when someone she cares about is hurting.
"It doesn't," Clarke says. Raven gives her a skeptical look, so she elaborates. "It happened once while I was gone. It was... really bad. But since then, I've been fine." Again that skeptical look. "Okay, mostly fine. Sometimes I look at someone and instead of them I see someone from Mount Weather, and then my chest gets tight and it's like I can't breathe. But it never lasts more than a few seconds."
Raven shifts her hand so she can lace her fingers through Clarke's own in a silent display of solidarity.
"Octavia told me you're having nightmares," she says. Her tone makes it almost a question, but her expression makes it clear that she already knows it's true.
Clarke sighs in surrender. Part of her had really hoped Octavia would keep that to herself, but another part isn't surprised that Octavia's concern caused her to reach out to Raven. Come to think of it, she and Raven have both been sticking pretty close to Clarke. Almost like a sort of tag team. Now it makes sense. They're worried. And as much as Clarke wishes she could keep this battle to herself, she's also touched that they care so much.
"Sometimes," she admits. "But they're not as bad as they were. And I barely even have them anymore. I can handle it. I'm fine, Raven. Really."
"You better be," Raven warns. Her tone draws a small chuckle out of Clarke.
Clarke wipes her eyes again and looks back down at her free hand. It's still red, but the color is not from Raven's blood. Clarke has very nearly rubbed it raw. If she had gone on rubbing her hands that hard for much longer, she would've started taking off skin.
"You know, you had me worried for a while there," Raven admits. Clarke looks up, and the seriousness in Raven's eyes tells her the mechanic isn't just talking about the minute or two that Clarke couldn't breathe.
"Sorry," Clarke says softly.
"You came back," Raven says with a shrug. "That's what matters, right?"
Clarke nods. Her eyes are burning again and she has to blink back tears. Raven lets go of Clarke's hand, but then she leans forward and pulls Clarke into a fierce hug. Clarke returns the embrace. Her hands take hold of the fabric of Raven's jacket as she allows her eyes to briefly drift close at the feeling of safety.
"You're gonna be okay," Raven says quietly.
Clarke nods into Raven's shoulder. Raven gives Clarke a tight squeeze before pulling away. Then she straightens her back and slaps her hands on her legs. There's a mischievous gleam in her eyes that warns Clarke she has an idea.
"Alright, enough of this sappy stuff," she says. "I say we go cut loose for a while."
"How?" Clarke asks suspiciously as she wipes her damp eyes.
"Well, I vote we go find Octavia and the three of us can raid Jasper and Monty's still," Raven says with a grin. "We can go bitch about our lives or whatever while we get ourselves good and drunk. And then I say we go do something crazy. Like dancing on tables at the bar. Or skinny dipping in the river."
"The one with the giant eel?" Clarke asks with a grin.
"That one," Raven says. She gives Clarke a devilish smile.
"I don't know," Clarke says hesitantly.
"Come on, princess," Raven says. "You're always the responsible one. Don't you ever want to do something you know you'll regret later? We're young. Let's go act like it."
Clarke smiles and shakes her head.
"Okay," she says, giving in.
"I knew there was a rebel in there somewhere," Raven says triumphantly. "You find Octavia, and I'll get the moonshine. Meet you by the side gate in ten."
She heads out of the infirmary with a grin on her face. Clarke hangs back long enough to clean up from giving Raven stitches. Getting drunk sounds crazy. But maybe that's exactly the point. They are teenagers, after all. They've spent so much of their lives worrying about survival. Now they have a chance to just be kids for a while. Maybe it's time they take it.
As Clarke leaves the infirmary to find Octavia, she knows without a doubt that she's going to regret this in the morning. Strangely, that makes her look forward to it even more.
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Summer has arrived in full force, bringing heat with it. The former delinquents start making regular trips to the river to swim. Clarke goes with them every now and then. It's not quite the sea, but it's a definite relief from the hot sun. And it gives them all a chance to act like crazy teenagers for a while.
When she's not working in the infirmary, Clarke spends her time in a variety of ways. She spars with Lincoln and Octavia on a fairly regular basis. The time she spent working with Talia and Manon means that she can actually hold her own most of the time. She rarely wins, but it feels good to go to bed at night with tired muscles. Plus she loves spending time with Lincoln and Octavia. In spite of everything that's happened, part off Clarke still admires certain aspects of Grounder culture, and being around the two of them lets her hold onto some of that.
Clarke also turns to drawing again. Her sketchpads have gotten passed around the tent village, and the former delinquents have asked her to add to the project. They come to her one by one with stories of moments she never saw. She sketches them out as best she can, and the new drawings are added to the growing collection. She even starts coloring in the older ones with the water colors from Mount Weather.
It's Raven who suggests putting all the pictures together in one book. She and Wick take charge of that half of the project. They rig up a way to glue the pages together and even put together a timeline on one of Raven's boards so they can put Clarke's (and Lincoln's) drawings in chronological order. It's slow going because there turn out to be a lot of other stories the former delinquents want told, but piece by piece the book starts to come together.
Partway through the summer, Clarke starts going with Octavia and Lincoln when they visit Tondc. She's decided it's high time to face the crater and slay that demon for good. The village looks far better than she expects. The Arkers have helped the Grounders to restore almost all of it structurally, and Abby has been helping them improve their medical care as well. The first time Clarke goes, the villagers look at her like she's walked right out of a legend. In some ways, she supposes she has. At first they keep their distance, but as time goes on, they slowly start to accept her as they have Lincoln and Octavia. Once again, her medical knowledge comes in handy. It feels good to be helping these people, even if they don't all know that the destruction of their village was partially her fault. Indra too readily accepts her help, which is a far cry from their first meeting when Indra called for the death of all the Sky People. In fact, the chief actually seems to be warming to Clarke and the others. Clarke has the strangest feeling that she could actually see herself becoming friends with Indra.
There's no sign of Lexa. According to Indra, she's off in Polis trying to hold her coalition together. Part of Clarke is glad for that. When she faces Lexa again, she wants it to be on her own terms. Indra casually suggests at one point that maybe the Sky People could send a delegation to Polis to show their strength before the clans. Marcus and Abby still don't want to get involved, but Clarke silently decides it might not be such a bad idea. This is their home now, which means they're already involved. Besides, she has to make peace with Lexa eventually.
She talks it over with Bellamy, Octavia, and Lincoln, and they decide that if the coalition is still a mess by the time fall arrives, then Clarke and Octavia will take a small group to Polis to show that the Sky People stand with Lexa. Clarke says it's because it's in their best interest to end the war going on around them, but secretly it's also because she's decided it's time she finds a way to forgive Lexa, for her own sanity if nothing else. She can't condemn the commander when she herself made the same choice. And judging from certain comments Indra has made, Lexa has never forgiven herself for betraying Clarke. Their friendship may be gone for good, but maybe Clarke can at least give them both some peace.
She also finds ways to spend time with Bellamy. He's in charge of the guard now and Kane and Abby have put him on the council, so a lot of his time is occupied. But they make it work. Sometimes he takes a late watch and he and Clarke sit outside the gate and talk about their lives. Sometimes they both go hunting together. Most nights they just meet up in the tent village to have a drink and talk about happenings in the camp while the other former delinquents cycle through their campfire. Bellamy ends up asking her advice on a lot of things, which definitely makes Clarke feel useful. As she settles into the routine of the camp, she's rather surprised to realize that part of her actually misses being in charge.
About a month after her return, she gets her chance at being a leader again. She's sitting by a fire in the tent village one night sketching a scene Harper is describing when Monty comes over to them with several of the other teenagers in tow. He sort of became the tent village's unofficial leader during Clarke's absence, and he has his authoritative face on now.
"We have a proposal that we'd like to discuss," Monty tells Clarke.
"Okay," she says slowly. The camp has suddenly fallen silent, and people are beginning to move closer. It's making her deeply suspicious. Something is definitely going on.
"We've taken a vote," Monty says. "And by 'we' I mean the residents of this little camp plus Raven, who somehow decided she gets a vote too."
"Damn right, I do," Raven calls from a nearby fire. The rest of the camp chuckles. Despite residing in her workroom in Camp Jaha proper, Raven still spends a lot of her evenings in the tent village. She says it's because the moonshine is better than Camp Jaha's alcohol, but everyone knows it's because she likes the company. Sometimes she even brings Wick, who has been accepted as something of a surrogate member of the group.
"Anyway," Monty says, trying to refocus everyone. "We took a vote, and we want you to represent us on the council."
"Wow," Clarke says in shock. She definitely hadn't seen that coming. She's not sure what to say. Finally she settles for, "Do we even get a representative?"
"We talked it over with your mom, and she said that since we're 'a functioning sub-group of the community,'" Monty says, clearly quoting Abby's terminology, "that our interests should be represented at the table."
"Well, what about Bellamy?" Clarke asks, glancing at where he sits a campfire over with Lincoln and Octavia.
"Since he's the head of the guard, he technically represents the defense side," Monty says. He glances over at Bellamy as well. "No offense."
"None taken," Bellamy says with a shrug.
"Besides," Miller says from behind Monty. "With both of you on it, we'd have two representatives."
"We could make sure our ideas get heard," Harper points out.
"We were down here first," Octavia says, looking over at Clarke. "I say it's time we get a real say around here."
"We want you back in charge," Monroe calls from somewhere behind Monty. A chorus of agreeing shouts rings out among the camp.
"The vote was unanimous," Monty tells Clarke.
"Unanimous?" she asks skeptically, thinking of Jasper. He's been fairly civil to her, but she can't see him voting for her.
Monty turns to look over his shoulder, and Jasper steps out of the pack with his hands jammed awkwardly in his pockets and his goggles perched atop his head.
"Unanimous," he says quietly. He shrugs. "You're the best choice for this."
That means more to Clarke than she can ever say. It's the closest he's come to forgiving her. But before she can get too worked up about it, Octavia butts in.
"Come on, Clarke," she says with a smile. "Give the people what they want."
Clarke smiles in spite of herself. The first time this group used that phrase, it was about trying to hang Murphy. They've come a long way since then. She's come a long way. Even so, she glances over at Bellamy for confirmation. He shrugs.
"Looking to you, princess," he says.
The entire camp seems to be holding its breath as they all wait for her decision.
"Okay," Clarke says finally. "I'll do it."
A chorus of cheers and claps rings out from the camp. Clarke laughs at the sheer amount of joy being displayed. Then the noise slowly begins to take form as wordless yells turn into chanting a single word over and over.
"Princess! Princess! Princess!"
"Alright!" Monty yells, bringing a halt to the yelling. "Drinks on us!"
That creates another round of excited cheers.
"Drinks are always on us," Jasper mutters. But there's a hint of a smile on his face.
The crowd of teenagers follows Monty and Jasper off in the direction of the still. Harper goes with them, leaving Clarke sitting alone. Bellamy gets up from his own fire and walks over to stand in front of her.
"So," he says. "How's it feel to be back in charge?"
"It feels pretty good," Clarke admits with a smile.
Bellamy holds up his cup of moonshine in a toast.
"Here's to you, princess," he says with a grin. "And whatever the hell you want."
Clarke laughs at that. They really have come a long way from that first ragged band of delinquents preaching anarchy. Now they have their own fully functional little society.
"We're going to need rules," she teases as she looks up at him.
"Oh?" Bellamy says, playing along. "And who makes those rules? You?"
"For now, we make the rules," Clarke says. Bellamy nods, a smile on his face.
"I can live with that," he says.
A series of cheers rings out as Monty and Jasper bring a jug of moonshine out of the hidden still. The sound makes Clarke's smile widen even further.
"Me too," she says.
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Being a member of the council is interesting. Abby is still chancellor, and no one has even tried to dispute that. She is also extremely proud to welcome her daughter to the table. Kane represents most of Camp Jaha with Bellamy standing in as defensive advisement, and Clarke represents the former delinquents. It's nice to be in a leadership position that doesn't require brutal sacrifices at every turn. Instead, issues brought to the council table tend to deal more with things like should they try to plant crops next year or is there a better way to supply the camp with water. There are still disciplinary issues, of course, but Abby handles most of those herself. That leaves Clarke free to use her mind to solve problems.
Being on the council also gives her an excuse to make trips to Tondc or to spend time in Raven's workroom supplying ideas for new contraptions. Her drawing project gets moved to the evenings now, but she's still working on it. And it's getting close to finished. Between all of that and her shifts in the infirmary, it feels like Clarke has finally found her place in the world.
But there's still one ghost she needs to face. While the nightmares have all but vanished, there are still moments when she looks at a face and all she sees is Maya or Dante or a little boy kicking a ball. It's usually just for a second or two, just long enough for her breath to catch or her smile to freeze. And she can usually cover it up before anyone notices.
Well, almost anyone. Raven or Octavia always notice if they're in the vicinity, probably because they're looking for it, and they always take her for a drink afterwards while they hold seemingly casual conversation and pretend not to be assessing her emotional state. Not that Clarke minds. It's actually kind of nice to know that they're keeping an eye on her. Bellamy notices too, but he never says anything. And that's also nice in its own way because he trusts that she'll tell him if her demons get too strong to fight alone, and until then he's willing to give her privacy. Abby can also read Clarke's face too well not to miss the freezes. She asks about it the first few times, but after that she just quietly slips her hand into Clarke's and gives it a gentle squeeze to let her daughter know she's there. And usually that's enough. On the days when it's not, Clarke slips into her mother's room after dark and they sit together on the bed and talk about it or don't until Clarke falls asleep on Abby's shoulder. But usually that brief contact is enough to anchor her to the present.
But regardless of who notices, those brief seconds of panic are still there, and Clarke can only think of one way to finally make them stop. She needs to go back to Mount Weather. She needs to go back to the control room and stand in the spot where she doomed three hundred and forty-one people. She needs to look that demon in the eyes and finally make her peace with it.
She leaves one morning before sunrise without telling anyone. She does make a point of leaving a note in her tent so no one panics. But if she had stopped to say something, then one of her well-meaning friends would have tried to go with her. And this is something she needs to do alone. So she slips silently out of the tent village and heads down the road.
The walk is a long one, but it gives Clarke time to prepare herself. She won't have a task to distract herself this time. It'll be just her and the mountain. The thought causes her heart to race a little. Tondc was one thing. As Ronan pointed out, that wasn't directly her fault. But Mount Weather was. She murdered three hundred and forty-one people. And she needs to face that head-on if she ever wants to have peace.
The giant door to Mount Weather is as menacing as ever. Clarke stops in front of it for a moment to pull herself together. Standing there looking up at it reminds her of that night all those months ago when she stood there alone after everyone else walked away. In that moment, she had never imagined that she was about to end an entire civilization. But she did. And it's time to finally come to terms with that.
She sets her teeth and goes inside.
It's deathly quiet as Clarke makes her way to the control room. In spite of all the supplies the mountain still holds, no one has dared to move in. There's just something haunting about this place that causes even the animals to steer clear.
All too soon, Clarke finds herself standing outside the door to the control room. On her previous visits to Mount Weather she had only ducked in here long enough to retrieve Dante's body, and even that had taken a great deal of mental preparation. Now she takes a deep breath and lets it out, her hands clenching and unclenching at her sides. Then she forces herself to reach out and open the door.
The giant screens are blank as she steps into the room. The wiring must have shorted out while she was gone. But she can still remember exactly what those screens displayed when she decided to condemn the entire mountain to death. She can still see her mother on that table with the rest of her people chained to the walls. Her throat tightens up just thinking of it.
And then her eyes fall on the lever. She walks slowly across the room until she's standing beside it. It's hard to imagine that something so small could kill so many people. Clarke reaches out a trembling hand and sets it on the lever. Bellamy may have put his hand on hers that fateful day, but it was Clarke's decision. The responsibility for what happened is hers alone.
She closes her eyes as she lets the magnitude of it wash over her. With a flick of her wrist, she killed three hundred and forty-one people. It might have been the necessary choice, but that doesn't make it any easier to think about. There were children here. Children who dreamed of seeing the ground just like Clarke once did. And now they're gone.
A single tear runs down her cheek.
"You did the right thing," a quiet voice says.
Clarke's head jerks up and her eyes fly open to see Jasper standing in the doorway.
"What are you doing here?" she asks, quickly wiping at her damp eyes.
"I saw you leaving," Jasper admits. "I thought you were, well, leaving leaving. But then I found the note in your tent, and I just… I didn't want you to be here alone."
"It's almost an eight hour walk," Clarke points out in confusion.
"I know," Jasper says. "I've made it a lot."
"You walked eight hours so I didn't have to be here alone?" Clarke asks. Her eyes are watering again, and this time it's for a completely different reason.
"You're my friend," Jasper says honestly.
Clarke lets out a shaky breath as her tears threaten to overthrow. Jasper takes one slow, uncertain step into the room and then another.
"There's something I need to say to you," he says. He's wringing his hands the way he does when he's nervous. "I was mad at you for a long time. I thought I hated you. I couldn't understand how you could just kill all those people. How you could kill Maya." He has to pause briefly as his emotions threaten to get the better of him. "But then I thought about Finn. You loved him. We all know you did. And you could've tried to save him that night, but you didn't. You killed him because you knew we needed the alliance. You've always done what has to be done for the rest of us. And that's exactly what you did here."
He looks around the room and shakes his head. Clarke waits with baited breath.
"You were right," Jasper says finally as he meets her eyes again. He looks close to tears himself now. "Killing Cage never would've stopped them. They still would've killed us all. It was us or them. All of them. Including Maya."
"We could've saved her," Clarke says. Her voice is hoarse with tears that are threatening to overflow. "We could've donated our marrow."
"She never would've taken it," Jasper says with a sad smile. "You know what she said to me when she was dying? She said, 'None of us is innocent.' And she was right. They'd all taken the blood treatment. They all knew what was happening here. They were all guilty."
"Not the children," Clarke says. A silent tear runs down her face as she says it. "They didn't know any better."
"But they still needed the blood to survive," Jasper reminds her. "What were we gonna to do, keep killing ourselves so they could live? It had to stop somewhere, Clarke. All you did was choose when. Yeah, I lost Maya. And that still hurts. Maybe it always will. But if you hadn't thrown that lever, I would've lost everyone else too. This was the only way. You did what had to be done to save us. Because that's what you do. What you always do. You save everyone."
Clarke shakes her head. Tears are trickling down her cheeks in earnest now. Jasper crosses the rest of the room to stand beside her. There are tears in his own eyes as well.
"I used to tell myself that I would never forgive you for this," he says honestly. "But then I realized there's nothing to forgive. What you did saved us. It saved me. And you did it more than just here. I owe you my life. We all do. You're not a bad person, Clarke. You're a good person who's had to do bad things to keep her people alive. But you gotta find a way to forgive yourself, or this is going to eat you alive."
"I can't," Clarke chokes through her tears. "I've tried, but I can't."
Her voice breaks over the last word as she finally gets too emotional to speak.
"Then let someone else do it for you," Jasper says.
Before Clarke can figure out what he means by that, he reaches out and slowly lays his hand atop hers on the lever. She sucks in a sharp breath at the gesture. It occurs to her that they've finally come full circle. On her first day out of quarantine, she stood in this mountain with her hand on another lever and Jasper begged her not to pull it. But now here he is with his hand on hers. It's almost too much for Clarke to take.
Jasper looks up as a single tear runs down his face.
"Thank you," he whispers sincerely.
That's where Clarke finally loses it. She pulls her hand away from the lever and instead wraps her arms around Jasper's neck. He hugs her back as she begins to weep into his shoulder. She can feel tears hitting her jacket as he starts to cry too. They're both holding onto each other as if they'll never let go. Clarke has no idea how long they stand there crying together. It really doesn't matter. They both need this moment of healing. But finally they calm down somewhat. Jasper pulls away, his face streaked with tears, and looks Clarke right in the eyes.
"You're not alone," he says.
"Neither are you," Clarke says hoarsely as she wipes her wet cheeks.
Jasper looks around the room briefly before returning his watery gaze to Clarke.
"Let's go home," he says.
He holds out his hand and Clarke takes it.
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As summer fades into autumn, the day comes that marks the one year anniversary of the hundred coming to Earth. To be perfectly honest, it sort of sneaks up on them. It hardly seems possible that they've been on the ground a full year. Despite the fact that their original trip down to the ground was barely shy of a death sentence, the former delinquents declare it a holiday. Abby responds by giving all of Camp Jaha the day off to celebrate. Somehow it gets dubbed Landing Day and the name sticks.
Clarke can't remember who exactly suggested they all visit the drop ship, but when the day rolls around, all forty-five of the former delinquents plus Bellamy, Raven, and Lincoln are gathered outside of the gate to the tent village. (Lincoln was hesitant at first, but the others have accepted him as one of their own. Besides, he was part of what went on there too. And while Raven may not have come down with the others, she is definitely one of them.) Abby and Kane had offered to go with them, as had a few of the small handful of surviving parents whose children had been among the original hundred. But Clarke had told them all this was something the teenagers needed to do alone.
It's about a four-hour walk to the drop ship. The walk is filled with conversation and occasionally even laughter. It occurs to Clarke that a group this size might look like a war party if it weren't for their light tones and expressions. The fact that they're Sky People causes the Grounders to stay out of sight, so it feels like they have the woods to themselves as they walk.
The company makes the walk seem short. Before they know it, they're approaching the wall around the drop ship. They stop by the graves first for a moment of silence. Not all of their friends are buried here, but it doesn't matter. The sentiment holds. They've lost fifty-four of their own. Over half of them are gone. And they deserve a moment. Bellamy has all of the names memorized, and his lips move silently as he recites them one by one. He carries his own share of guilt just as Clarke does. But forty-eight of their people are still alive (forty-nine if Murphy's still breathing somewhere out there), and Clarke calls that a win.
Once they've finished paying their respects, they all trickle in through the gate into the yard around the drop ship. Plants have started to grow again where the blast of the rockets burned them all away. But otherwise it looks mostly the same. It's amazing that even after so many months this place can still cause a stirring of nostalgia in Clarke's chest.
Octavia is at the front of the pack with Lincoln by her side. She crosses her arms over her chest and gives the drop ship an approving nod.
"We're back, bitches," she says with a smile. A ripple of smiles runs through the group as they all remember the moment when her feet first hit the ground.
"You want to say something?" Bellamy asks, looking over at Clarke.
"Okay," Clarke says. She makes her way to the front of the group and turns around to face them. Then she pauses to gather her thoughts. Everyone waits in patient silence.
"One year ago today," Clarke finally begins, "the Ark sent down a group of teenage criminals to find out if the ground was survivable. Honestly, there were times when I wasn't sure we would survive the week, let alone a full month. But here we are a year later. Against all odds, we survived. True, not all of us made it. But many of us did. We were sent down here to die. But instead we built a life. We made this ground ours with our blood and sweat and tears. We earned the right to live down here. Every single one of us. We are all of us warriors. We may be from the sky, but we belong down here just as much as the Grounders. This is our ground now. Our home. And we are not just the hundred anymore. We are not criminals, and we are not citizens of the Ark. We are Sky People. And we are here to stay."
The former delinquents gathered before her burst into loud cheers.
"Damn right, we are!" Raven's voice calls above the noise. Clarke chuckles at the comment, and some of the others do too.
Bellamy steps forward with a proud smile as the rest of the group dissolves into nostalgic conversation and fond laughter. He stops to stand behind Clarke, turning around to survey their people with her.
"I couldn't have said it better myself," he says.
"I don't know," Clarke tells him with a barely concealed grin. "You're whole 'we are Grounders' speech was pretty convincing."
"Maybe," Bellamy says, shrugging. "But as you so eloquently pointed out, we're not Grounders. We're Sky People. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather be that any day."
"Me too," Clarke agrees.
X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X
When they get back to camp that afternoon, Raven and Wick bring out the book. They've finally finished compiling all of Clarke and Lincoln's work, and they formally present the thick volume to Clarke shortly before sundown. All of the delinquents gather around to watch as Clarke flips slowly through it. The book starts with drawings of each of the delinquents plus Bellamy, Raven, and Lincoln. Names are written beneath the images. Then the book launches right into the story, running from the moment the drop ship left the ark up until just a few days previous. All of the drawings, which are now colored by water colors, have been placed in chronological order. A few of them have a quick line of text on the bottom, usually a quote or short phrase. But for the most part, the story is told strictly in pictures. And what a story it is.
The book's front cover has a plate of metal on top, and someone from engineering has engraved it. The metal sheet holds an image of the drop ship with Earth behind it. Across the top of the cover is carved "The Sky People" and beneath that in slightly smaller letters "Year 1."
"I'm planning on there being a year two," Raven explains with a shrug.
After that, the tent village turns into one large party. Monty and Jasper have been storing up moonshine for weeks, and there is more than enough to get everyone good and drunk. Miller, Monroe and Harper organize some games, including a three-legged race that causes no shortage of laughter. Lincoln is already established as the king of hand-to-hand sparring, but that doesn't stop several of the delinquents from taking him on once the alcohol in their blood starts kicking in. There's dancing as well. Some of the former delinquents have managed to create functioning instruments over the last few months, and they play fresh music with a good beat. All in all, everyone seems pretty happy.
It's well into the night when Clarke finds Bellamy leaning against the fence watching the festivities. She holds out one of the two cups of moonshine she's carrying, and he takes it.
"Where you been?" he asks curiously.
"Talking with my mom," Clarke says as she leans back against the fence beside him.
"About what?" Bellamy asks.
"Polis," Clarke says. "Octavia and I leave at the end of the week."
"Your mom's okay with that?" Bellamy asks in surprise. Clarke shrugs.
"The Grounders have left us alone so far, but if a new commander takes charge, that might change," she says. "My mom understands the advantages of not letting that happen."
"Or she knows who's really in charge," Bellamy says with a hint of a smile.
Clarke shakes her head at his teasing and takes a drink of her moonshine, making a mild face as she does so. She always forgets how strong that stuff is.
"What about you?" Bellamy asks. "You ready for this?"
"Ready as I'll ever be," Clarke says. "It's been almost a year since Mount Weather. Besides, I have to face her sooner or later."
"She left us all to die, Clarke," Bellamy points out. "No one would blame you if you can't forgive that."
"I can't blame her for choosing her people," Clarke says, glancing up at him briefly. "I did the same thing when I wiped out Mount Weather."
Her gaze drifts to the former delinquents dancing in the firelight a short distance away. Monty has just pulled Harper into the mix, and they're both laughing. Jasper is watching from a short distance away. He's sitting alone, but there's a smile on his face as he watches his best friend. He really is going to be okay.
"Lexa was your friend," Bellamy says, drawing Clarke back to their conversation.
"I don't know what she was," Clarke admits. "But whatever we were, I need to deal with it. And so does she." She looks down at the cup of moonshine in her hand. "I talked to Indra yesterday after she got back. She says Lexa still beats herself up over what she did."
"Good," Bellamy says.
"Not good," Clarke corrects with a frown. "It's eating her alive, just like Mount Weather did me. Sooner or later she's going to crack, and when she does, the coalition will shatter. Indra says some of the rival leaders are just waiting for a chance to make their move. Showing that we stand with Lexa could give her side the strength it needs to stay in power, which would stop a war we don't want. Besides, she needs to know that I forgive her. It's the only way she'll be able to move one."
"And do you?" Bellamy asks quietly. "Forgive her?"
Clarke is silent for a moment as she thinks it over.
"Yes," she says with a nod. "I didn't think I ever could. But I know what she's going through. I know what it's like to blame yourself for a mistake. To do something you know is wrong because you have to put your people first. The difference is that I got to walk away. I had you and my mom keeping an eye on our people. I could take the time to heal. Lexa never got that. Her guilt is still destroying her. And maybe there was a time when I thought she deserved that, but now…"
She trails off for a moment, her gaze drifting over to where Jasper sits laughing at the sight of Monty trying to stumble through something resembling a dance. He isn't completely healed yet either. But his bright smile tells Clarke that someday he will be.
"We both made the same choice," Clarke continues. She looks over at Bellamy as she tries to make him understand what she's only just figured out. "And if I deserve forgiveness, then so does she. But I couldn't really forgive myself until I knew Jasper forgave me. It's the same with Lexa. She'll never be able to forgive herself until she knows I've forgiven her. And even if she could, this is something I need to do for myself. One last ghost to silence."
Part of her expects Bellamy to argue or press for certainty, but instead he just nods.
"Did you tell your mom all of that?" he asks with a hint of a smile.
"No," Clarke says, shaking her head. "She would've tried to talk me out of it. She never liked Lexa to begin with. She thinks this is a strictly diplomatic mission."
"You might be surprised," Bellamy tells her. He takes a sip of his moonshine. "Your mom's a smart lady. There's a reason she's the chancellor."
"Good point," Clarke agrees. "She wants there to be ten of us going to Polis. Octavia and I, plus we agreed on Lincoln and Kane. Monroe already volunteered, and so did Miller and his dad, so that's seven."
"Make it eight," Bellamy says. Clarke gives him a questioning look, so he adds, "I'm coming too."
"As much as I appreciate that, I need you here," Clarke says. "Miller's dad is the second in command of the guard, and Kane and I are half the council. That's half of Camp Jaha's government. I need you to stay and help my mom run things while we're away."
"Fine," Bellamy says. "But if I do, you have to promise me that you're coming back. I spent six months not knowing if you would. I'm not doing that again."
Clarke knows from talking with Octavia that her absence was hard on Bellamy, but this is the first time he's really brought up how it made him feel.
"I promise," she says sincerely.
"Then I'll stay," Bellamy says. Now it's his turn to look out at their people celebrating. "This place isn't the same without you."
"Well, then I'll try to hurry back," Clarke says.
Any reply Bellamy might have made is cut off by a loud pop and a whizzing sound. A second later there's an explosion of color in the dark sky above Camp Jaha. The majority of the tent village stops what they're doing and looks up at the brilliant burst. Exclamations of awe ripple through the camp. There's another streak of smoke as the sound repeats, and then another burst of color lights up the sky.
"Looks like Raven finally got those fireworks figured out," Bellamy says with a smile. Clarke is smiling too as she looks up at yet another flash of color.
"It's beautiful," she says.
"You asked me once if we could wish on this kind of shooting star," Bellamy says, looking over at her as color continues to explode across the sky.
"I remember," Clarke says with a nod. "You said you didn't know what to wish for."
"Well, I do now," Bellamy says. He turns his head to look back up at the sky. The exploding colors dance across his face. "I'd wish for this next year to be a good one. That our people would be safe. That we'd make the most of the second chance we've been given."
"That's a pretty good wish," Clarke tells him. Bellamy just shrugs. Clarke tilts her head curiously as a thought occurs to her. "So does this mean you think the rockets count?"
"I think it doesn't matter," Bellamy says honestly. He looks down at her with a serious expression. "If this year taught me anything, it's to not underestimate our people. Whatever comes, we'll get through it just like always."
"Careful," Clarke teases. "I might start thinking you're an optimist."
"That's your job," Bellamy tells her with a hint of a smile.
"Well, nobody died today, so we're already off to a better start than last year," Clarke tells him brightly.
"Don't jinx it, princess," Bellamy warns. "The night's not over yet."
Clarke laughs at that. As another flash of color lights up the night sky, she decides that Bellamy's right. It doesn't matter what comes. She has her people, and that's enough. They'll find a way to deal with whatever the ground decides to throw at them.
Bellamy looks over at her and holds up his half-full cup of moonshine in a toast.
"To the future," he says. "And whatever it may bring."
"To the future," Clarke echoes.
They clink their cups together.
*Special Note: A HUGE thank you to everyone who voted for this story in the Bellarke Fanfiction Awards! It's such an honor to have won my category, and I could not have done it without all of you. Several of you have expressed interest in seeing a Bellamy version of this story, and I wanted to let you know that it's definitely happening. Consider it a thank-you gift for all of your support, both in this contest and outside of it. It may be a week or so before I start posting just because my life is about to get a little hectic. But I've already started work on it, so hopefully it'll go up soon. Keep an eye out. And thanks again for all the support. You guys are amazing. :)
Well, that brings us to the end of this story. Before you go, please take a second to leave one last review about this chapter or the story as a whole. And if you liked this story, feel free to check out my other stories for this fandom. I'm not sure yet whether or not I want to write something about Clarke and Lexa meeting in Polis. It'll depend on whether or not I can come up with a good enough plot. But we've got a good long while until season 3, so who knows? In the meantime, check out this story's companion piece "Those Who Wait". It looks at thirteen different characters (one chapter per character) as they deal with Clarke's absence and life post Mount Weather. But it ties pretty heavily in with this story and shows a few of the events from the point of view of other characters. And as always, thanks for reading!