January 2, AC 197

I don't know if I'll ever see Relena again. No, that's not it. I'll see her on the TV, the net…these days it's impossible not to see her. And I'll be keeping an eye on her, as always. I promised I'd protect her, and I'll never let anything get in the way of that.

But…even so. I don't know if I'll ever get to meet her again, as anything more than protector and the protected.

I know this isn't what she wants. I know it isn't fair. Even though I can always see Relena, she can't see me. And I know she worries, though I don't want her to. But peace is too new and too tenuous for Relena to have any distractions right now, and that includes me.

And, the next time I meet Relena face-to-face… I want to be someone she can rely on, in every way that she needs me. I want to be someone worthy of being by her side. Someone worthy of her love.

I need to face my own past first. Relena's kindness has given me a will and a reason to live, but I have to figure out how to live.

I don't know how I'm going to accomplish this. But I know I'll figure something out.

I start packing the few bags I have. I don't know where I'm going but I know I have to leave this city. Relena is my weakness. No, it's my own weakness that's making this so hard. But I won't let it stop me. I promised her…

The laptop on the hotel desk plays a melody. There's an incoming call. I don't stop packing.

There's very few people who have my contact information.

The call ends, then immediately starts back up again. I let out a small sigh. Best to just get it over with.

I sit down and flip up the computer's screen.

"Yo," Duo says, his usual grin on his face.

I stare at him. He continues without waiting for the response that wasn't coming anyway.

"I heard you were leaving the colonies today. And Miss Vice Foreign Minister doesn't have her flight until tomorrow. What's up with you two? Did you have a fight?"

I'm not going to ask how Duo found out any of that information, but I am somewhat impressed. Instead I reply, "You must be getting us confused with you and Hilde. Anyway, I don't know what you're talking about. Relena's schedule has nothing to do with me."

I know what he's getting at, but there's a part of me that just can't let Duo have the upper hand. Like Relena, he seems to bring out a part of me that I thought I killed a long time ago. But unlike the part Relena brings out, I'm not proud of this one.

"Aw come on Heero, can't you talk to me about this kind of stuff by now?" Duo smacks his head and shakes it. "After all that Mariemaia crap I thought you two would finally hook up for sure. I'm pretty sure I remember you rushing off to rescue a certain damsel in distress…and I heard you two got pretty cozy after," Duo looked behind him quickly then got closer to the camera. "So, er….how was it? I mean, man, she was a queen once, and what guy doesn't dream of-?"

"Duo!" Hilde's voice came from somewhere off screen.

Duo turned his head and waved his hand dismissively with a nervous smile. "Chill out Hilde, it was just a joke!" Duo turned back to me, sighing. I couldn't resist a smirk. Duo didn't miss it. "Oh shut up. So what happened?"

I thought back to that day, and looked down for a moment. The intimacy of those moments wasn't something I wanted to share with Duo. But I didn't see the point in lying either. if I didn't tell Duo the truth, he'd just go bothering someone else for the information. Someone like Relena.

"After I entered the bunker, I collapsed. Relena stayed with me until I woke up at the hospital. We said goodbye and I left. That's it. You're making it out to be more than it is," I said.

But Duo still wasn't satisfied. "So you're going to tell me that Relena just let you go? And you just walked away from Relena? Just like that? No crazy stuff?"

"No crazy stuff," I said. But then I added, so he'd finally drop it, "She understands that I need some time."

"Ohh," Duo said. Now a smug smile was on his face. I tried not to show my annoyance as Duo continued. "So you finally spilled the beans and she rejected you, huh?"

What?!

"N-No!" I yelled, half standing up. Surprised at my own outburst, I took a breath and sat down. Somehow he always knew just the right button to push. Probably did it to get back at me for avoiding his questions this long.

Duo's laugh confirmed this. "I'm just messing with you. That girl is crazy for you. I'd have to be blind not to see that. So it's just a temporary thing then?" he asked. Then his voice turned mocking and I could hear the amusement in it. "What, are you going on some kind of journey to find yourself?"

I didn't answer.

As the silent seconds passed by I watched all the mirth drain out of Duo's face. "You can't be serious! THAT'S why you're leaving her? No offense Heero, but a guy like you's never going to do much better than – oh. Ohh." Suddenly, Duo looked uncomfortable. "I see now. I get it man. Well, that's a goal worthy of respect I'd say. And you do have a lot of stuff to work on before you'd make a decent friend, much less partner."

...Ever the polite one, Duo was.

"So then, I guess I'll help you."

…

…

…what? Did he just…?

"No. No, you won't. I'm-"

"-doing this alone. Yeah, yeah. I know. Some things a man's gotta do alone and all that. I understand. I'm just saying, when you're thinking of doing something crazy or stupid, just … promise me you'll call me or Quatre first. Actually, don't even think about calling Trowa or Wufei. They'll probably just tell you to do it."

I couldn't help smiling a little. Another promise, huh? I think this one will be much easier to avoid making.

"No deal. I don't need anyone's help with this." I could see by the grin on Duo's face that wasn't going to work. I knew he was thinking. I resisted the urge to pinch my brow in irritation and added, "If I... promise, will you promise to leave Relena alone? You want info, you go through me and only me."

Duo gave me a quick salute "Deal. I'll be in touch, so you'd better answer," he said. The screen went blank and I shut the laptop and packed it into my bag. I'd never really made a promise to anyone other than myself before meeting the other gundam pilots and Relena, but…i

It seemed if I wanted to change, life would require making a lot of them.

As I zipped up my last bag I found myself staring into the large window in front of my bed. I was at the top of the hotel, so you could see most of the city from here.

Promises…

I thought back to the one I had made on that day Duo had mentioned. The day I vowed to never kill again. The day I said goodbye to Relena.

December 27, AC 196

When I woke up the first time, I was in Relena's arms, my head against her soft body.

I was still pretty out of it but…I remember feeling comfortable, and more at peace than I can remember feeling since early childhood. There was a pleasant scent I've come to identify with Relena. So I easily drifted back to sleep.

The next time I awoke I was in a hospital bed. I was immediately alarmed, considering what I've been taught about hospitals. But when I saw Relena there, sleeping in the chair beside me, I realized what happened and relaxed. I sat up and checked my body for injuries. I wasn't hurt too badly, and had only a few bandages. It seemed to be night. I felt sure I could get out of there undetected, but….

Watching Relena sleep, her face innocent and open…she seemed almost…happy. Lately when I saw her, she seemed tired and stressed. But this Relena was more along the lines of the kind girl I first met on the beach.

I ended up watching her sleep for a long time despite my head telling me to get moving. During that time, I thought about Relena, and how I felt about her, trying to sort out the tangled mess that my feelings for her had become. I thought about myself and wondered if there was any future for us. I didn't make much headway on either issue. I realized only two things. One was that she was the one thing I had to always protect. And the other...was that I couldn't be with her the way she wanted right now.

That was when she finally opened her eyes. Since it was still night, she closed them again at first. Then with a little jump, she opened them and looked around. Her eyes fell on me. There was a little gasp and then she was up, out of her chair, walking over to me.

"Heero! Oh, thank God you're okay." She stopped when she got close to me though, and looked out the window. Moonlight was streaming in on her – that had been what woke her up – and she rubbed her eyes. "It's still night. I must look like a mess," I heard her mutter under her breath.

Besides a few stray hairs under eyes, she looked fine. Not even a scratch from my assault on the bunker, to my relief. I wanted to tell her... that she always looked beautiful to me, that the moonlight suited her. But I couldn't say anything. Especially not with what I had to tell her next . So instead I reached for her hand.

She turned to me, a look of shock on her face. I was surprised too, but I knew I had to do this. I stared into her eyes, unsure how to begin. Relena stared right back for a few moments, and then I could see understanding grow in them. She gave me a sad smile and sat down on the bed across from me.

We said nothing for a long while. She looked out the window at the moon and I looked at her, illuminated by the moonlight. I unconsciously reached out to touch her hair and instead, Relena turned toward me, and leaned in close across the bed. I was caught off guard, and my eyes widened. Her intense blue eyes, her silken hair, her luminescent skin were all bathed in the moon's glow. But the look on her face was one I've seen many times, it was one that would unnerve most people. It was one of determination.

"I was surprised to still see you here when I awoke. But now I think I understand. Is this it? Is this goodbye for good, Heero?"

I found myself looking down at our hands, still joined. "I don't know." Why do I feel ashamed of myself? I know I'm doing the right thing.

"I can't accept that, Heero. I want to...I need to know that you will come back to me," Relena said.

I looked back up at her now. Tears had filled her eyes.

"Do you remember what I said last year? Every day, I want to know where you are. I want to know that you're okay. But I know that you won't tell me," Relena's voice sounded sadder than ever. I wanted to explain why I didn't tell her, but once again, I couldn't find the words. I stared into her eyes, trying to communicate my feelings in whatever way I could. She gave a brief smile and I knew she understood, at least a little.

"If you're going to leave now, please, for my sake – for my sanity, Heero - I need you to let me know, from now on. Whenever you can, however you can, tell me that you're doing okay," Relena said. She hesitated and then added, "And I need to believe that one day you will come back to me again."

Unable to hold them back any longer, the tears started streaming down her cheeks. Once again, I couldn't stop myself from reaching out to wipe them away. This time she caught my hand and leaned her face against it. She looked at me with such sad eyes, it was killing me. "I know you have to do this. I know I'm being incredibly selfish. But promise me…promise me Heero. Tell me that you'll come back, and…and that after you do, you'll never leave my side again."

I searched her face. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. A way out, maybe? Some sign that she didn't know what she was saying or that she didn't mean it? But I saw none. I only saw how I was breaking every fiber of her being.

My own eyes threatened some kind of mutiny against me as they started burning. I felt for a moment, lost, helpless, and disgusted with myself. What am I doing? Someone like Relena needed me, actually wanted me, and I was risking throwing all of that away. I felt confused and…scared. I'm not used to being unsure of myself, but Relena often makes me feel this way. In a way, all of those feelings are what made me sure I was doing the right thing by leaving. I was still weak. As much as I was afraid of losing her, I still feared being with her and how she made me feel. And I still don't feel a killer like me deserves someone like her. I still need to figure out if I can become worthy, and it's better to do it now, before things with us went any further.

But if Relena needed to believe in me, to believe I would come back, then that would make my resolve to figure this out all the stronger.

"Relena…" My hand left her face and grabbed her other arm. I pulled her body closer to mine, my hands acting of their own volition.

I never know what I'm doing when it comes to her.

"I'll keep protecting you when you need me," I said, my eyes gazing into hers. "And one day I'll come back to you. When I do..." I swallowed. I had never expected to live beyond last year and here I was making my first promise for the future. "I won't leave you again. I promise."

Relena stared back at me, eyes wide again. I saw her lips moving, repeating my last words as if she couldn't believe it. I wasn't sure that I could either. But I knew I meant it. She gave me a radiant smile through all the tears.

Just when I think she can't get any more beautiful, she always surprises me.

"Thank you, Heero." For once I felt no hesitation in her as she threw her arms around me, and buried her face into my chest. I knew it was to hide the tears that were still coming. She realized how hard this was for me. I gently placed my arms around her delicate body and held back only for a moment before I laid my head against hers.

"I'll always believe in you," she whispered against my chest. "So I'll wait for you, as long as you need me to."