January 20, AC 197

I prefer being alone. At least, that's what I tell myself.

It's usually easier to be alone. You only have to worry about yourself, and I know I can handle whatever comes up on my own.

Not everything can be accomplished alone though. And humans are, by nature, social creatures that yearn for the company of others.

And there's another downside. If you have no one around and no goals to accomplish, you have too much time to think. That's when the memories start tormenting you. Everything you haven't dealt with replays in your mind endlessly.

I was sitting on the transit shuttle, absorbed in one of those bad memories when my phone vibrated. I quickly checked it, grateful for the distraction. It was an email from Duo. It read:

I was talking with quatre about what we talked about the other day and he had a pretty good suggestion. seems there's a program relena started for war vets to get some help dealing with all the crap from the war. we could probably all stand to see a shrink or something but thought it might help you the most right now. if you're interested, call quatre around noon today. he should be free then.

p.s. no need to thank me.

p.p.s. hilde says hi (sorry man, she made me type it)

-Duo

He didn't say it straight out, but Duo seemed to think I needed professional help. I was surprised. Even Duo should know me better than that. There was no way in hell I wanted help with this in the first place. Especially from a stranger. I had heard of Relena's initiative before the email but I...Relena. I slipped into thinking about the last time I talked to her. She's waiting for me. But how long would Relena wait while I figured this out?

…

I thought back to what I had been thinking a few moments ago. Not everything can be accomplished alone. I would think I would have learned that by now. The mere fact that I spend most of my days lately going over bad memories again and again in my mind proves that I am too weak to do this on my own.

I looked at the clock on my phone. 11:43 AM. When the shuttle stopped, I could call Quatre. Yeah. I should at least see what he had to say. But the thought of calling him chafed on me as the shuttle ride went on. Quatre was a genuinely kind person and one of the strongest I know. But I didn't like coming to him for help. And I knew he might bring up Relena, which was the last thing I wanted to talk about right then.

The shuttle slowed to a stop. I stood up and waited for my turn to walk out. As soon as I stood on the station sidewalk, I pulled out my phone. 12:04 PM. I looked up Quatre's contact information but hesitated over the dial button. My stomach felt odd and I found myself swallowing more than usual. Was I...actually nervous? Realizing my own weakness made me even more agitated and I forcefully pressed the screen to dial.

When Quatre answered, I was probably a little more rough than usual in responding. But Quatre just laughed it off. "It's good to hear from you Heero. How have you been? Wait, no, don't answer that. Sorry," Quatre sighed. "Duo told me what you're doing…and I know it can't be easy for you," I relaxed a little. Quatre was still the kind and understanding guy he was when I met him. I was glad he was able to make it through the war with that intact. Not like me.

Quatre continued, "But for what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing. It takes a strong person to want to change. I hope you don't forget that."

So then why do I feel so weak?

"But I know you don't want to hear any of that right now," Quatre said. He was pretty much carrying the entire conversation by himself but he didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he'd just expected it. "I bet you're wondering why Duo asked you to call me." It was true; I would have thought Duo would have just given me the information directly. But as the heir of the Winner family, Quatre had a lot of connections and wielded a lot of power. It was possible he had something to tell me that only he knew. I felt some gratitude as I realized how busy he must be. Yet he was taking the time out to talk to me and even express concern. He was a lot like Relena, in that way.

"Do you have some information for me?" I asked.

"Yeah, actually. There's a program Relena's started - you've probably already heard of it. It's a Veterans Assistance program to help soldiers reintegrate into society. Relena had already started working on it before...well, before Mariemaia," Quatre sounded uncomfortable but quickly moved on. "But after that, she decided to get it really moving. She's been working hard on getting it started."

I already knew all of that. Relena was no fool. She realized fighters like those who joined Mariemaia's army felt like there was no place for them to go now. In order to keep the peace, the best thing she could do was help transition them back into society. It was no easy task, and it was one that would require a lot of funding. But through Relena's tremendous force of will, the program had already started accepting applicants. A thought suddenly came to mind. Was one of the reasons she created the program because of me?

"So you want me to join this program," I said. "What about you and Duo?" I didn't know why I was asking. Maybe I felt a little singled out, or perhaps even bitter that I couldn't seem to find my way like those two did. Their naturally upbeat personalities helped them bounce back quickly, but I had no doubts that they had their bad days too.

There was silence for a few moments before Quatre answered, in a lower voice. "I know that I've taken lives. I tell myself that I did what I had to but I didn't have the right…" Quatre sighed heavily.

"Forget it. I don't need to know," I said. There was no reason to drag Quatre through the mud with me.

"No...no you're right. There's a lot of stuff that I think everyone who fought in the war has to deal with. But I also think everyone will find their own way to deal with it, in their own time," he said. "I can't stop right now to dwell on my past mistakes because there are too many people depending on me. And Duo is probably finding his own way to deal with everything that's happened in his daily life. But right now, it seems like it's your time to deal with your past. At least, it seems like you're ready to anyway."

"We just want to help you out in any way we can. If this program doesn't sound right for you, then I'd completely understand if you didn't want to do it. But I can't help but think that Relena would have wanted you to….no, sorry, that's not fair."

Quatre paused, and then said, "I just mean, if you don't have any plans on where to start, why not just check it out and see what you think? One of my sisters is actually a psychologist participating in the program. I knew that you might feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger, so I was hoping maybe if you had someone you knew, even through someone else…." Quatre trailed off. It was clear was trying his best to help me, even if he wasn't entirely sure how to. And I wasn't entirely sure how to respond. The old me would have just walked away from this, shelved it to deal with it later. But I no longer had that luxury. In my mind, the clock had started ticking. And I didn't have any other ideas where to start anyway.

"OK. Just tell me what I need to do," I said.

There was a few seconds of silence. Apparently he hadn't actually expected me to say yes.

"I'll...get you an appointment with her right away. When would be good for you?"

We exchanged details and agreed upon a few times that'd work. After that, I asked him how Trowa and Wufei were doing as I walked to the restaurant I'd be having lunch at. He hadn't talked with them recently but it seemed they were doing well. Better than me anyway. When we said our goodbyes, Quatre thanked me as if I were the one helping him.

When I ended the call, I found a small smile on my face. I wasn't completely sure why, but I felt...better. I liked having some sort of plan – it helped me keep my eyes on the bigger picture, on what mattered. And, I felt lucky to know someone like Quatre.

As I sat down and waited for a waiter to take my order, I glanced at the TV. A ticker on the bottom was going by, and after a few moments of watching, Relena's name appeared, though only talking about the colony she was visiting today. I never got tired of getting even small updates like that, because then I knew she was out there doing her best too. And that she was safe.

The waiter came up just then and took my order and provided coffee. As I sipped it I remembered then that Relena and Quatre had talked several times. They had first met in the Sanc Kingdom but had spoken more recently on business since he'd returned to his job as the head of the Winner family. Relena and Quatre…as I compared their differences and similarities in my mind, I idly wondered if Relena and Quatre had ever discussed me. It seemed like that the coffee tasted a lot more bitter all of a sudden, and I shook off the thought.

I realized that I really didn't want to know.

January 26, AC 197

"Why don't you start off by telling me about yourself, Heero?" Dr. Winner asked. Her long ponytail was blonde like Quatre's hair, but for the most part I would have never guessed they were related if I hadn't known. She had a significantly more mature look about her, and I guessed her to be in her 30s at least.

"My name is Heero Yuy. You already have my address and birth date information," I said. I knew this wasn't what she wanted to hear, but my response was reflexive. And I didn't know what to say anyway.

A little smile appeared on Dr. Winner's face. "Is that your real name?"

I tensed. What had Quatre told her? Or was it that there was something too ironic about a former soldier being named after the former peace-oriented leader of the colonies?

I didn't answer. I was grappling with what I grew up being taught about secrecy - especially to an unknown person - and my subsequent realization that it wasn't necessary anymore. At least not to this degree.

"It's okay if you don't feel like talking about something," Dr. Winner said. "Today, we're just getting to know one another. But know that your information won't go beyond these walls. Not even to Quatre. It's just between you and me."

My eyes fell on the tablet in her hand. Not beyond these walls? Even the best intentions didn't matter up against poor security. I saw Dr. Winner's eyes fall to where I was looking.

"Are you worried about information leaking out?" she asked.

I said nothing. I felt a little guilty, but I knew how easy it was to hack into a system.

"I can't help you if you don't talk to me, Heero. You seem afraid that someone is going to be able to find out what we discuss here though. Is there anything in particular that you would prefer me not to write down?"

My hands curled into fists several times as I tried to fight down everything telling me this whole thing was a bad idea. Dr. Winner only patiently watched me which caused me to feel even more frustrated. My distrust of others...it was bordering on paranoia lately. But I began to understand that my discomfort with a subject others considered normal was a sign that I should be trying to change it. At least a little.

"My name...I don't have a one. Heero Yuy… was my code name," I said, finally. Dr. Winner seemed surprised but I pushed on ahead. "The address you have is fake, and so is the birthday. I don't have either one." I'd known all of this for years, but hearing it aloud somehow, being said to a stranger made it seem even more pathetic. Have I really been living this way all these years, thinking it was normal?

There was a silence and I looked at Dr. Winner. She still looked somewhat surprised.

"Well...wow. Thank you for telling me that Heero," she said. "It's still shocking to hear that sort of thing for me. And I realize that feeling comes from my own sheltered background." Now I was the one was surprised. She genuinely looked sad. "But it seems to be a not uncommon story. There has been so much fighting and killing in the past few decades that a lot of children have grown up without ever knowing their parents." The disgusted way she'd said the words fighting and killing betrayed how she felt about it. Quatre and Relena came to mind. Not for the first time, I found myself being thankful that it was all over.

"Was that what happened to you, Heero? How much do you remember of your family?" she asked.

My family...It was a painful subject, one I've spent years locking up in my mind. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk about it, but that uncertainty convinced me to push forward again. "It's been a long time since I've thought about them. Memories like that are – were - useless to my survival." Even thinking back past Dr. J and Odin Lowe was difficult. There were a lot of painful times there, in the years even before I became an assassin. "I...I remember my parents a little. But then they…" I felt my face distort with pain. What is this? I thought I had dealt with this years ago. "I…" I struggled to find the words, but I felt…sick.

Dr. Winner put down her tablet. "Heero, it's okay. We don't need to talk about that now. That's enough for today."

"But-" I said. We'd barely talked at all, and I'd already hit a wall!

"It's fine. We'll get to all of that soon enough."

She got up and reached out her hand. I realized she wanted me to shake it and my thoughts flashed back to the man known as Zechs Merquise. Was that really just two years ago? I inhaled and exhaled a little to calm myself, then took her hand and shook it. It was strange, but I felt like I should say something after that. But the only thing that came to mind was "thanks", so that was what I told her.

"No need to thank me yet Heero, we're just getting started," she said with a smile.

And that was my first session of many with Dr. Winner.