Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews and well wishes. Someone commented that they didn't think Heero would have jumped into therapy so fast. If it seems that way, then I may have failed. I don't think he would either, but I think of Heero as the kind of person who will push himself past his discomfort, especially if it's for the sake of someone else. Also I want to note (and I have added this to the Prologue note) that this story takes the following as canon: Episode Zero Gundam Wing (anime) Blind Target (manga) Endless Waltz (movie/OVA) so events referenced are from those.

As for this particular chapter...Oh my gosh, this story is probably the hardest thing I've ever written. I worked on it for days off and on, wanting to stop and doubting myself until I ended up splitting it into more chapters. It's been difficult but I'm starting to see the beginnings of where I want to go with this story. I appreciate your support and reviews!

Chapter 4

February 12, AC 197

"You know, Heero, I bet you'd make a great performer. Maybe an acrobat? Or maybe even something with animals. They seem to like you about as much as they like Trowa."

I took the prepaid card Catherine was holding out to me. I didn't see cards much anymore, but they were still a good way to get funds without either party knowing more than they needed to about each other. I guess a lot of circus performers want to stay off the grid. Trowa picked a good cover, but then again, he has always been the best at infiltration. I thought back to the time I ended up staring at Trowa down the barrel of a gun. He seemed nothing like the man with warm eyes before me now.

"Leave him alone, Catherine. That's just not the way he works," Trowa said. Catherine sighed and a sulky look came over her face. "But she is right," Trowa added quickly. "You would be an excellent performer Heero."

Catherine immediately perked up. "See, Trowa thinks so too!" she said. She seemed to totally ignore Trowa's prior sentence as well as the part where I didn't respond. From what I could gather, this seemed to be a common occurrence. But I was surprised at how good Trowa seemed be with her. As I grabbed my jacket I mentally marked him off as someone whose skills might be helpful in certain future situations.

"Remember I'm only here for a few weeks. I'm fine with anything you want me to do. Except performing," I said. I pushed back the tent's curtain and stepped out into the night. The air was cool and crisp here in the grassy field. The colonies didn't really need to change the weather. They could stay in a comfortable range year-round. But most cities on the colonies chose not to. Even after almost 200 years, it seemed that humans still yearned for natural things like the change of the seasons.

I couldn't help but to think back to my time on the Earth. It was incredible, far beyond what I had imagined. But I had been so focused on my mission and then on my guilt that I hadn't really opened my eyes to seeing it. At least, not until I was forced to take shelter in the Sanc Kingdom for a brief time. Relena's kingdom...it was there that I truly realized the great beauty the Earth held. It was during that time that I realized I wanted to protect not only the colonies, but the Earth too.

I wandered through memories of my time in Sanc with Relena until a voice broke my daydreaming.

"I'm surprised you're still here."

I jumped a fraction, and that action was more surprising to me than the voice itself. Daydreaming was not something I could remember myself doing in recent memory. What is going on with me?

I turned around. I knew Trowa's sharp eyes had seen it. I carefully examined him. He was dressed normally now, wearing a grey-green blazer over his usual turtle neck and slacks. He looked worried. Trowa didn't often openly show his emotions, but it seemed being with Catherine had made him relax more.

"Sorry."

He seemed at a loss for words so I cut in before the awkward silence could settle in.

"What did you need?"

"I...just wanted to see if you wanted to go out."

I blinked. Go out? As in...go do something together? For fun? It had seemed...tempting, in the past, but I never had the time to spare on foolishness. And deep down I knew I didn't deserve it anyway.

But that was the kind of thinking that Dr. Winner said I needed to change. "If you want to reintegrate - or in your case, integrate - into 'normal' life, you have to do 'normal' things. You're still so young Heero. You have to believe that it's okay for you to fully experience life. If you truly want to move on from your past, you have to start allowing yourself to be a kid and all that comes with that," she had said last week.

It was easier said than done. That kind of thinking was the exact kind of thing I was taught not to do once I started training under Doctor J.

Then again, I've also been living by going with my gut feelings when they wouldn't get in the way of my mission. And sometimes, even when they did. They haven't always been right but they have gotten me to where I am.

"What did you have in mind?" I asked.

"Just some coffee," Trowa said without missing a beat. I guessed I had caught him off balance earlier, but he showed no hint of what he was thinking now.

"Alright," I said.

As we walked to our bikes, I thought back to my second session with Dr. Winner last week. She had asked me to explain more about who I was and my past. I had told her mostly the basics - that I was a gundam pilot in the war. I had planned to say I was just a mobile suit pilot but I knew Dr. Winner would ask more about what side I was fighting for…and I'd found that I didn't want to lie to this woman. It was even surprisingly easy to tell her the truth - probably because my gundam is long gone.

But the real surprise came when she'd asked me if I had had any comrades.

February 5, AC 197 – Last week

"Not at first. By the end, yeah," I'd replied. "Four other guys my age including Quatre."

Dr. Winner's blue eyes had widened at that. I felt my own go a little wider as I processed what had just happened. She didn't know? Quatre, you didn't tell her? "...Sorry. Thought you knew."

It took only a moment for Dr. Winner to regain herself. "No...well, I suppose it'd be more appropriate to say that I had heard the rumors, but I haven't been in touch with my sisters as much as I should have been. In fact, I was surprised when Quatre reached out to me last month. I knew that Father had talked of disowning Quatre for abandoning our pacifist ways, but I couldn't really believe it, especially when I'd heard Quatre might even have been piloting a gundam," she said.

She looked down at the floor, her face still a picture of disbelief. "Our own little Quatre…." Dr. Winner looked back up at me now. "It would seem Quatre and I need to have a talk of our own. But that's our problem. So please, continue. You were saying these boys were your comrades? Did you have anyone else helping you? Someone you were working for perhaps? Or support from somewhere else on the colonies?"

I thought of Doctor J, but it still seemed strange to talk about him. "When I started the man who trained me also gave me my missions. But that stopped early in the war. As far as other 'support'…."

Various names appeared in my mind. I had never really realized how many people had helped me in some way. And once I'd thought I didn't need anyone.

Besides the four pilots, Catherine had helped Trowa take care of me after I was ordered to destroy my gundam, and Noin helped me in her own way at times, as did Sally. But the person who supported me the most, the person who had given me a reason to fight and most importantly, to come back alive….

"Relena? Is that what you said? By any chance are you referring to the Vice-Foreign Minister?" Dr. Winner asked suddenly.

Did I just say that out loud?!

Dr. Winner grinned when she saw my alarm. "Sometimes when we have a lot on our minds, our subconscious will let a thing or two slip. It's completely normal. I'm sorry if I'm prying; I just didn't expect to hear that name of all things. You seem to be full of surprises, Heero."

"So even you can be surprised. Ever since I met you it's been me who keeps getting surprised by you." Relena's words echoed through my head. If she thinks I'm surprising, she should meet Relena. Nothing's much made sense to me since I met her.

That's what I wanted to say. But on the other hand I didn't want to admit what had just happened, much less explain who I was talking about. Too bad for me it didn't look like I had a choice. There was no legitimate reason to start lying now.

"Yeah, that Relena. Vice-Foreign Minister Darlian. We've…spoken before." Why am I so reluctant to talk about Relena? I wasn't sure, but I knew I couldn't. Not right now.

"Why did you mention her just now?" Dr. Winner asked.

"I don't know," I said honestly.

Dr. Winner laid back into her seat, her eyes distant and thoughtful. She wrote something on her tablet. I looked out the window in an effort to keep myself calm.

"Since the session's almost over, why don't we go back through what we've discussed today?"

I nodded. One thing I liked about Dr. Winner was that she understood when a conversation was over. If only more people did.

"You were born on the L1 colony. You lost your parents around 4 or 5 and survived on the streets until your mentor picked you up," Dr. Winner said, reading off her tablet. "Then when your mentor died, you were trained by someone else to become a gundam pilot?"

I nodded again. It was…strange, hearing someone sum up your life in so few sentences.

"Your comrades were four other boys, including my brother, and some others from time to time I assume," Dr. Winner almost pointedly skipped over my Relena remark. "So…what are you doing now?"

I hadn't anticipated this question. My mind blanked. I wasn't sure what to say.

"Let me put it this way, Heero. How do you keep yourself busy? Do you have a job? Are you in school?"

"I-" I broke off. I what? Kept myself busy with keeping tabs on Relena? Did whatever odd jobs I could find? The truth sounded pathetic.

"I'm not in school. Sometimes I take on jobs that utilize my skillset," I said, choosing my words carefully. I would not be divulging the details of the jobs here, therapy or not.

"Do you enjoy these jobs?"

I looked down. Again, another question I hadn't anticipated. Did I enjoy the jobs? I turned the question over and over again in my head.

I was simply using the skills that I'd acquired over the course of my life. It was more perfunctory than enjoyable. I did enjoy gundam combat in the past, and the adrenaline rush of life or death situations could be addictive.

But overall…?

"Not really," I finally answered.

Dr. Winner wrote something down on her tablet. Then she looked up at me and asked, "What would you prefer to be doing?"

This answer was easy, although useless.

"Don't know."

"You have no idea at all?"

I shook my head. "I'll be honest. I didn't think I'd live this long, so I never gave it much thought."

I thought I saw sadness in Dr. Winner's eyes, just for an instant. "Do you have anything you do enjoy doing?"

I thought for a few moments. Things I liked to do… Other than gundam combat I assumed she meant. Normal things.

"Never had much time to relax. But when I did… I liked spending time outside… reading… almost anything with animals...I enjoyed school when I got the chance to attend," I answered. After a moment, I added, "I learned a lot of skills with both of my mentors. Things I would use to infiltrate facilities with. But I... enjoyed learning those too."

"Have you thought about going back to school?"

I shook my head again. "Haven't really thought about the future."

"That's alright," Dr. Winner said. She put her tablet down and crossed her arms thoughtfully. "I have a suggestion for you Heero, if I may."

A suggestion? Already? But I'd barely said anything. "What?"

"These comrades of yours…they must be keeping busy in some way. Perhaps you could check in with them, see if they have any work for you?"

Huh? What did that have to do with…?

"I prefer working alone."

Dr. Winner was silent for a few moments and I was beginning to wonder if she was getting frustrated with me.

"Heero, what is it that you want most out of these sessions? There must be some driving reason for you to have come to me."

I hesitated. I still wasn't ready to talk about everything, even though I knew I should. I just...couldn't. I thought of what I could say to tell her the truth without revealing too much.

"I want to become a stronger person," I said. "I want to be able to live a normal life."

Without being chased by all these memories.

Dr. Winner smiled gently. "You may not think so, but you seem like an extremely strong person to me already, Heero. And if you feel you want to improve certain aspects of yourself, then I'm sure you'll only get stronger. But even the strongest people can't do it alone. If you have comrades or friends, you should utilize them in whatever way you feel comfortable as a support system. If you have others who have been through similar experiences as you have, then I don't think anyone could understand you better. If you spend time with them, see how they're adjusting, you might learn something about yourself," Dr. Winner said.

The way she spoke, with so much sincerity… I could see why she was in this field. She felt passionate about helping others. "And," she added, "if you're looking for a new line of work then getting out there and trying lots of different things might help. Of course, I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do, but you should at least think about it, Heero."

Dr. Winner fell silent and sat there, looking at me. There was a kind of steel in her eyes that I'd seen in a few other people I knew. It was almost too ironic. It seemed like I kept meeting these people that were able to force me out of my comfort zone. In remembering them, a smile spread over my lips.

"That would be the first time I saw you smile. But I get the feeling it wasn't for me," Dr. Winner said.

Then who was it for? I let the unspoken question hang in the air for a moment before speaking.

"I'll think about it."