Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews, it means a lot to me. This comment here in particular made my day: "I think he would jump into therapy, the war is over, he's changed so much. other readers should open their minds for something different than the other fics out there. Heero is allowed to change, it is called character development, something he had in the series. If he stays static like so many other fics, then he's just a dull character which we know he is not, so kudos to you for trying a different approach. It isnt easy getting inside his head. " Thanks for the vote of confidence. I do agree that Heero changes so much during Gundam Wing we must remember that this Heero is different from the Heero in the early part of the show. This is someone who has vowed never to kill again and who wants to live, a far cry from the laughing mad suicidal killer in the early part of the show.

February 7th, AC 197

At first, I didn't really have any intention of actually working with any of my former comrades, but a brief conversation with Quatre helped change my mind.

"So…my sister called me yesterday. I'd forgotten how much of a temper Sara could have," Quatre had said. A temper? It didn't exactly mesh with the image of the calm Dr. Winner I knew. But the woman obviously took her job as a professional seriously. Despite his words, I could hear the amusement in Quatre's voice.

"Sorry about that. You should have told me she didn't know."

"No, it was my fault. I guess...I wanted you to tell her. I couldn't figure out how to tell her or any of my sisters. It's not the sort of thing I like to talk about." There was a hint of sadness in Quatre's voice, but he perked back up. "But hey, now that Sara knows, she'll tell all my other sisters. So that's one less thing for me to worry about."

I didn't really see how that was a good thing, but I realized Quatre was trying to see the situation in a positive light. For his pacifist family to realize their little brother was actually a killer...I felt like I was the one who got off easy after the war. I found myself trying to think of a way to cheer Quatre up.

"I appreciate the help Quatre. I'm not sure this therapy thing is going to work but at least I'm doing something."

"Really? I mean - you're welcome! It was no problem!" This time I could tell the joy in Quatre's voice was genuine. "Actually, I called 'cause I just got off the phone with Trowa. His traveling circus is coming by the colony you're on next week. Circuses probably aren't your thing, but I thought maybe

he'd like it if you'd come say hello. He'd never ask himself though, so please don't mention that I told you. Uh, could you please hold on a minute?" I heard muffled voices through the phone. I remembered what I'd thought about the last time we spoke, how Quatre always seemed busy but he always took the time out to check on me. I'd told him once that that kindness of his was something he'd need one day when the fighting was over, and I was sure that was what helped him live from day to day now.

His voice came back in clear. "I'm sorry Heero, I have to go, but I hope you'll at least think about seeing Trowa. Maybe even the show too? Well, feel free to call me anytime!"

I said goodbye and ended the call. Trowa...

Trowa had saved my life once and traveled across the Earth with me for a short time. He helped me while I tried to find a salve for all the guilt and pain I carried. Even thinking back to that time is still incredibly painful. Looking back, I realized that I owed Trowa a great deal and that I was lucky I wasn't alone during that time. If I had been, I might've….

No, that kind of thinking never goes anywhere good.

I brought myself back to the present by focusing on my surroundings. I was in my hotel room. These days all I ever did between jobs was sit in some hotel room or at a restaurant. The jobs I had gotten I had found by going to the 'right' websites on the net, and I'd even been able to give a few tip offs to Preventer from watching these sites as well. I had thought about using the connections I had used with Odin as a child but I knew most, if not all of those contacts would want me to do something I had vowed to never do again.

My eyes swept the plain hotel room, lost in memories of the past despite myself until they fell back on my phone. Trowa…

I sighed. I didn't have any reason not to call him except for being stuck in my old way of thinking. I knew Trowa wouldn't be pushy and he's always insightful. He's a calming person to be around.

And besides, all I ever did anymore was sit and brood about the past. That wasn't me and I was never going to let it be me.

The only reason I'm still alive is because I never stopped moving and there's no point in stopping now.

…! That was it. I realized the reason I stopped moving was because I didn't have a clear goal, or a mission. So I just had to come up with a plan and act on it.

It was as simple as that.

...Well, it should have been as simple as that. The truth was that I didn't really know what I should be doing at all. My eyes wandered to the phone again and I looked up Trowa's number. Dr. Winner's words were still fresh in my mind. Well, at least I can do something instead of just sitting here.

I pressed call and waited as it rang….and rang. No answer. He was probably busy, unlike me. I put my phone down and hesitated a moment before doing what I tended to do when I was feeling particularly down - check up on Relena.

In a few minutes I was able to figure out where she was and where she was going. I watched a brief video on her press conference from last night. She spoke with the same conviction in her voice that she always had, but...was it just me worrying too much, or did she seem different somehow? I enlarged the clip and peered into her face. Maybe she was just tired. But that didn't make me feel much better.

Relena's moving mountains and I'm just here-

At that moment, my phone played a brief melody. It was Trowa.

"Hey," Trowa said.

"Thanks for calling me back."

"No problem. Did you need something?" Trowa's voice sounded somewhat tense. I realized that I had never just called him to chat. In fact, I never called anyone to chat.

"No, it's nothing like that. I just spoke with Quatre. He said...he said your circus was going to be performing on L1 X-05351 next week."

"Yeah…" Trowa sounded surprised and confused as well.

I found myself hesitating, but Dr. Winner, Quatre and of course Relena immediately came to mind. I glanced at her image on the screen again. I have to change.

"That's the colony I've been at for the past few weeks. I...Do you…" I trailed off. Why is this so hard?

But Trowa helped me out. "Do you want to meet up or something?"

"Er, yeah. Actually," I said, getting into my stride now "I wanted to see if I could take a temp job with you. My current schedule is completely open and staying in hotels isn't cheap."

There was a silence as Trowa processed what I had said. He likely knew how to get funding through less honest means as well, and he would know that I did too. That combined with the fact that I was open to taking a job at a circus…He had to know something was up.

"Ah, I see. Yeah, I'm sure there's something you could do around here. Unless you were looking to perform?" Trowa said, a hint of amusement in his voice.

"No thanks. You know my skills, just stick me wherever I'd be useful."

As we talked out the details I started to feel more confident. Trowa was an empathetic but also confident man. I might be able to learn something by being around him for a while.

I found myself smiling. There was also some other part, deep inside, that was almost...excited to see him again. I reflexively went to quash this part, as I had been trained to do, but then stopped as I realized there was no reason not to feel this way. It was a...normal feeling. I'd see others my age act this way at the prospect of "hanging out", but I had never considered myself one of them before. A normal teenager. But maybe it was time to start.

February 12, AC 197

I started walking and Trowa followed.

We walked in silence until we reached our motorcycles. As I pulled on my helmet it occurred to me that I had paid for this bike with illegal funds. I wondered if that was why it was meaningless to me? I had been living off of charity and money I had transferred into fake accounts illegally all my life. If I bought something with the money I had earned, would I really find some new meaning in it?

We started our bikes and Trowa motioned for me to follow him. We pulled onto the highway and sped into the night. I glanced up at the stars as we rode. They were beautiful, but now that I knew how bright the real ones were, they seemed paler in comparison.

I wondered if Trowa and the other pilots ever felt this way. We came to the Earth only to free the colonies, but I doubt any of the other pilots could have imagined what Earth was really like.

A little after we entered the city limits, Trowa stopped in front of a cafe near the corner of a street. I stopped too and took off my helmet. It wasn't anything fancy, in fact it was sandwiched between pharmacy and a meat market. Is this what they called a hole in the wall? Or was it a dive? Either way, it seemed like something Trowa might like.

Trowa walked up the steps to the Green Rivers cafe. "Inside or outside?" he asked.

"Doesn't matter to me," I said.

"Then go find a table. I'll order for us, if that's okay with you. I've been coming here a lot lately and I think I've got a pretty good feel for their menu," Trowa said.

I nodded and turned to leave." I almost told him how I liked my coffee, but then I realized he probably already knew. I sat down at one of the tables near a window and looked around before I realized what I was doing. I was checking to see if they had a TV.

Trowa came to the table and sat down. I hadn't spotted one anywhere. I stifled a little sigh. I had gone all day without checking up on Relena for the first time in a year. I wanted to pull out my phone but I didn't want Trowa to think that I was ignoring him. I looked at Trowa and realized he had been casually observing me.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

"Not really." I wasn't sure what to say.

Trowa gave a small smile. "Now I see why you never chose to go undercover. You're terrible at lying."

I recoiled a little, my pride somewhat hurt. I knew it was silly, but I had always thought of myself as pretty good at staying beneath the radar. But then I met Trowa and realized I was really only ever barely passing. I couldn't help but hear my old mentor Odin's words in my head, always giving me advice like "relax" or "act more natural". Tch. It wasn't really like me to be dishonest anyway. I only did it when I felt the situation called for it.

Knowing it was immature, I shook off any possible retort I could give and instead stayed silent, staring at the table. I still didn't know what to say, as was the case all too often these days.

"Is this about Relena?" Trowa asked.

My eyes jerked back up to meet Trowa's. "How did you-?"

"It's written all over your face. You're worried. And the only thing you could be worried about is Relena. I don't want to pry, Heero, but if you want to talk, I might be able to help."

A waitress appeared then and sat our drinks down on the table. I kept my eyes fixed on the coffee before me now and waited until she walked away.

"I haven't checked up on her in a while, that's all," I said, a little irritated with Trowa's perceptiveness.

"Ah, of course you'd be worried, especially after last year," Trowa gestured toward me with one hand. "Go ahead and check Heero, but I'm pretty sure she's fine. With a small smile he lifted his coffee to his lips then stared out the window. It was as if I wasn't even there anymore. It seemed he was giving me some privacy.

I somewhat reluctantly pulled my phone out of my pocket and did a quick search on Relena Darlian. No eye catching headlines popped out at me, and the latest article mentioned that her last speech went over well. She was heading back to Earth soon in fact, the article said. What is she going to be doing on Earth…? I caught myself before I continued down that line of thought and looked at Trowa. He was still looking away when he spoke. "Everything OK?" he asked in a tone that said he already knew the answer.

"Yeah," I said. I picked up my coffee. It smelled rich and strong. I took a large sip without fear, already knowing it was going to be good.

Trowa turned to me now. "So, what've you been up to?"

I hesitated once again. Would Quatre have already told him?

"Not much. Just some odd jobs here and there," I said. The coffee might have been the best I'd ever tasted. It was simple but intense. As I'd guessed Trowa had known what I'd like.

Lately it felt like everyone else knew more about me than me. Then again people knowing me at all was a still new experience for me, so maybe this was normal.

Trowa put his coffee down. "I've just been living day to day too. It's strange not having to fight to survive every day, isn't it?"

I nodded. I got the feeling Trowa wasn't just talking about the war. Curiosity struck me and I tried to stifle it. The discomfort I got from ignoring my desires was all but gone, but there was still a twinge there that made me aware I was doing it. I was starting to understand that this wasn't the way a normal person should behave, so I took that twinge as my cue to go ahead and ask my question.

"...Trowa, do you have a family?"