Author's Note: Sorry this was so delayed! I actually wrote it at the same time as I wrote the previous chapter, but then I got ill, had a trip out of town, and was busy while trying to recover and it took awhile for me to find time to edit. I have had an idea for the next chapter for weeks, so hopefully I can get back on the horse. Thank you for all the reviews, I really appreciate it and it inspires me to keep going.
Trowa's eyes widened and I just barely could hear a small gasp escape. Had I really surprised him that much, or was the subject of his family that painful?"
"Sorry, that's not fair of me to ask," I said. I thought back to how I had surprised Quatre on the phone a few weeks ago, asking him why he wasn't doing therapy too. Was what I was asking people really so shocking, or was it that it was surprising coming from me?
Does that mean that I've already changed since the war?
"No, it's fine. It's not that. I just didn't expect that kind of question from you, Heero," Trowa said, confirming my suspicions. He smiled and sipped his coffee again before continuing. "I don't mind talking about it, especially lately. To answer your question though, I'd need to explain a little bit more about my past," he said.
I realized I had always been somewhat curious about Trowa. I could feel that we were similiar people - what kind of things could he have gone through to become someone like me? We had never asked each other out of a mutual respect for privacy. That respect was still there but now it felt like after all we had been through it was okay to get to know each other a little better. We knew we would keep each other's secrets.
"When I was two years old, I lost my parents, due to the war," Trowa began. "I was lucky I guess. I was able to survive off the kindness of others until mercenaries found me and gave me some sort of home. I worked with them up until…" Trowa's eyes became distant.
Suddenly, I understood. I nodded and Trowa refocused on me. He lowered his voice to a near whisper. "I ended up going into space and working with the Barton foundation on my gundam. I wasn't the original intended pilot, but I took over when he was killed. And you know the rest." He finished his coffee and placed it down on the table carefully. Then he looked back up at me and smiled. "But that wasn't what you asked. You asked if I had any family…" Trowa's face grew softer. "I do."
"You mean Catherine?"
Trowa closed his eyes and nodded. "Actually...I just found out something pretty amazing. For the first time, Catherine and I talked about her family. She even got the manager to find some old photos. And when I saw her parents, they just felt...familiar. I couldn't stop staring at them. I didn't say anything but Cathy could tell something was wrong. She wouldn't leave me alone until I told her," Trowa shook his head, and I could hear the amusement in his voice. "I'm glad she didn't. I told her they looked familiar and she told me that was impossible, I would have been too young to ever know them. Then she just started staring at me...like she was looking at someone completely different. She started going through the photo box, throwing all the pictures out and I got worried that something was wrong. And then she found it," Trowa said, eyes glistening. "There was a picture of a little boy who looked a lot like me with his mother."
Trowa's voice was thick with emotion in a way I had never heard before. I thought I was beginning to realize why Trowa seemed so different now. Family must have been something he was desperately seeking all this time.
"I told Catherine everything I could remember. About how I knew I'd been born on Earth and where my earliest memories were. I'd never told anyone about my past, but Cathy, she just started crying and hugging me when I finished. She told me, 'it has to be you, you must be Triton'." Trowa looked down at his cup with a sad smile. "I guess I have a name and a home now. I guess I always had one. I don't know how I found Catherine, but she's always been like a big sister to me. It just felt natural being around her. But I rejected that at first because I didn't understand it. But, after I tried to kill myself...and you said to live by your emotions...I knew I never wanted to make her sad."
I felt relieved for Trowa, and... happy too. He had someone who had cared about him and pulled him back from the brink of death. "We haven't done any blood tests yet - I think we're still both a little nervous about that. But I found out my family has always been with the circus. It's crazy to think that I ended up back there of all places, but I guess it's in my blood. I've never believed in destiny or fate, but I'm not sure what to think now." Trowa looked at me. "Sorry, I know you didn't ask for all of this. But I felt like I needed to tell someone, and...I consider you a friend, Heero."
A friend? Yeah...I guess it's been true since he helped me through my own hard time. But it still felt strange to hear it out loud. "I've never had any friends so I don't know much about that. But listening to you is the least I could do to repay you for all you've done for me, Trowa." I wondered if that was the wrong thing to say. It wasn't like I didn't consider Trowa a friend, I just wasn't sure how to say what I meant.
But he seemed to understand. "Like I said back then, it was no problem. I did it because I wanted to. And it wasn't like I had anything better to do at that time," Trowa said with a smile.
"You haven't told Quatre yet?" I asked. I would have thought he would be the first person he would tell.
"No. I'm actually not sure why I haven't yet. I think it's just because of how excited I know Quatre will get. I think I'd rather wait to tell him when we're sure. And I'd probably better do it in person or he'll just drop everything to come down and see us." Trowa sighed.
I smiled. Yeah, that sounded like Quatre.
The waitress walked up and asked Trowa if he wanted a refill. He nodded and gave her his cup. When she left he turned back to me and nodded at my drink.
"How's yours?"
I looked at the coffee I was only half done with. I had nearly forgotten it while listening to Trowa's story. "Good," I hesitated before adding, "Thanks."
"No problem. But if you'd like, you can repay my favor by telling me what you're really doing here."
I had picked up the coffee and was drinking it when Trowa's words hit me. I stopped mid-sip and looked at him. He had the smallest hint of a smile on his face and I knew there was nothing I could do to get out of this one. I was reminded of Duo getting one over on me a few weeks ago but for some reason I didn't mind it as much with Trowa.
He had been completely honest with me and told me about what was most important to him without hesitation. If I want to get stronger, I'll just have to push through my own weakness too.
"I've been going to therapy," I said. I wasn't able to meet Trowa's eyes though. "My therapist suggested I get a job with one of my old comrades and you just happened to be coming here." I finished my coffee in one swallow. Fine. It was out there. I'd always gotten the feeling that Trowa looked up to me but now he saw just how weak I really was.
Trowa couldn't hide the surprise on his face, but it quickly turned into something else I couldn't identify. It was a warm look though, not one of disgust like I'd expected. "I see. You've gotten even stronger."
"How do you figure?" I asked.
Trowa's eyes again looked distant as he spoke. "You're going because you wanna finally deal with everything in your past, right?"
"That's part of it."
"And I think I'm too afraid to do that. In order to protect myself, I spent a long time building walls around my heart. I don't know if I could survive tearing them down," he said, his voice quiet again.
"...Is that how you see it?" I asked, still holding onto my empty coffee cup. I stared into it, as if I could escape the weight of Trowa's words by looking into it. "I guess if I looked at it like that then maybe I wouldn't have done it either. But to me it's just one more mission to complete. Life is a series of goals to finish and I've got an even bigger one I'm going to accomplish." I looked up at Trowa now, and stared directly into his eyes. "And I'm not going to let anything get in my way. Especially not myself."
Trowa's eyes grew wide with something like wonder...until he inhaled sharply as if remembering something.
Then he began to laugh.
I frowned.
...is he making fun of me?
Seeing the expression on my face Trowa stopped and cleared his throat. But a small smile remained as he explained himself. "Sorry for laughing. It wasn't what you said, not at all. In fact, I think that's an incredible way to think. I think I understand just how it is that you got so strong. I need to stop overthinking things so much and be more like that."
No Trowa, I wanted to say, you don't need to be like me. But Trowa went on.
"It's just...I can't believe I didn't see it before. I wondered how you could be so strong without something to fight for anymore. But then I realized, you do have something. It's Relena, isn't it?"
My face felt a little hot suddenly. It seemed that I had somehow told him everything. He knew why I was doing the therapy and more importantly, what my reason to continue living was. Having it all laid bare like that…
The waitress appeared with Trowa's tea then and apologized for the wait. I hadn't noticed much, but it had gotten a lot busier in here since we'd sat down. The waitress had also brought me another coffee, on the house, for the delay. The false moonlight of the colony came streaming through my window, making me remember Relena and I's last encounter. My cheeks felt like they were on fire now. Why do I feel this way? I couldn't remember ever having felt like this.
It seemed like I was always being thrown off balance lately. First I'd feel uncomfortable and then despite my best efforts eventually I'd just end up having the rug pulled out from under me.
I don't know how to deal with all this. I've never been good with people in the first place - I just don't have the training for this! I glared into my coffee cup. If I thought things were bad then, then came Trowa's voice to seal the deal.
"Heero, are you...blushing?" he said. I could hear the surprise and amusement in his voice.
"What's your point?" I was aware that the expression on my face might be considered childish. It might even be called 'pouting'. I couldn't believe it. This is ridiculous. It took everything I had to keep from getting up right then and there. I had to save whatever dignity I had left by facing the mess I had made at least.
"I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable," Trowa said smoothly. "I had heard about your relationship with Relena, but I didn't know it was um…." Trowa faltered as he tried to find the right word. Are things that complicated between us that even Trowa can't describe it? He gave up and said instead, "So how long have you two been together?"
"We're aren't…!" I surprised even myself by almost shouting my response. I was tense, and I had to tell myself this is just a conversation about Relena, not a mobile suit battle. Trowa hid whatever emotion he was feeling behind his coffee cup. I realized I had made my hands into fists on the table. I need to relax.
"Sorry. Not used to talking about...this." Whatever it was.
"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Trowa sounded sincere... but I still got the feeling he was actually pretty curious about it.
"...Just ask me what you want to know. And promise me that you won't tell Duo or Quatre," I sighed. I didn't want things to be awkward so I figured it was best to just get it out of the way.
"Deal," Trowa said immediately. I was right. He was good at hiding it but he was curious. I trusted Trowa to keep his word but I also knew that the other pilots could be persuasive in their own way. And Trowa might even give them hints to satisfy them. But at least they wouldn't be asking me.
"So are you and the Vice Foreign Minister romantically involved?"
…! Trowa, you really don't beat around the bush. I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't that.
"I...I'm not…I don't know." I swallowed hard. Maybe this was a bad idea. I felt like I could have dealt with Duo and Quatre's casual pestering better.
Trowa's cool eyes gazed out at me from over his coffee mug. "You don't know?"
It was really hot in the café. I guessed it was to counteract the chilly night but I suddenly wished I had a cold drink. I wanted to take off my jacket but that'd feel like I was admitting defeat.
"How am I supposed to know?" I asked, gritting my teeth. It was an effort not to tell him to just forget our deal.
Trowa took a moment to respond as he finished his coffee, leaving me to twist in the wind.
And to think I was just thinking of him as a friend a few minutes ago.
"If you don't know, it sounds like something's gone on between you two," he said finally, letting the implications hang in the air.
My cheeks felt hot again as I remembered. The subtle, yet sweet scents of her, her large blue-green eyes and long lashes, her soft lips…
Trowa was watching me carefully and I felt like I wanted to cover my face and hide. I was being stupid, but my emotions were out of control. How could she have this effect on me and not even be here?
"Wow Heero," Trowa said, smiling. "But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You're good looking, capable, and you have certain qualities about you that people tend to find attractive. I just thought you were too focused to have time for love during the war. And a politician's daughter too. It's like some kind wartime romance novel."
"It wasn't like that," I said hurriedly. I had already gotten used to how hot my face felt but I was sure it was still red and would be through this whole conversation. "She was just a girl that got in my way at first. I never intended...I never thought something like this could have happened when I first met her." Argh, why did I say that? It felt like I was admitting defeat.
Trowa closed his eyes. "I see. Yeah, things like romance and love, they don't stop just because you're surrounded by death on a daily basis. Life keeps on happening." His voice sounded sad and I knew there was a lot more pain in Trowa's own past than I knew. When he opened his eyes he looked very tired. It was like being around Catherine brought life to him, and remembering his past sucked it right out. I think I understood how it was that he lived everyday.
"It's getting late." I said, glancing at my watch. "We can talk about this stuff some other time." Though secretly, I hoped we never would, I knew he'd probably be able to convince me to again.
"Yeah. Let's go," Trowa said, standing up. "Oh, and I think Cathy is cooking tonight."
I thought back to the time she was taking care of me. Her food was alright but she often tried to make it special by random spices and flavors...so sometimes it could be hit or miss.
"I don't mind, I'll eat anything." I stood up too.
Trowa laughed. "Spoken like someone who's lived their life thankful they had any food at all."
Trowa laughed but I knew he understood that neither of our lives had been pleasant. Even I recognized it was a sign of how much he had grown that he could laugh so freely about it, compared to the cold and reserved person I first met.
I pulled out my wallet and Trowa shook his head a little. "It's on me. If you want to pay me back, you'll have to tell me about your childhood sometime. And about Relena too," he said shyly.
Trowa wasn't looking at me and I wondered if he was embarrassed. Is he trying to get to know me better? After a lifetime of being ignored it still seemed strange that someone should be interested in me. But I knew that Trowa and I had a lot in common; a unique past that not many could understand and a similar way of dealing with it. At the least he could be useful - no. That wasn't right. Trowa had always been good to me and now it was time for me to return the favor.
I nodded. "Alright, but only if you pick the place again. I'm not good with that kind of stuff."
Trowa smiled. "Deal."