I decided to change the dates a bit. Return To Me will Return To You tomorrow. ;) And today you get a Halloween edition of The Fine Art Of Dating which, ironically is chapter 13 of the story. Coool eh!

PART 31 – JAGged Haunts

It's Halloween weekend and I am sitting on Mac's sofa waiting for her to emerge. JAG is sponsoring some sort of Haunted House slash party type of thing and we are to attend. It's an adult only/no kids type of joint that, according to Harriet who is hosting the even (surprise, surprise) will scare the shi. . .I mean crap, out of you. A lazy grin spreads on my lips as I think of a frightened Mac crashing into my arms. And it's not that I can't get her into my arms anytime I want, but, alright, I have a hero complex, so sue me.

I shift uncomfortably as the rubber plate on my chest which makes my look like I have an extremely muscular chest, pokes me in certain places. "Ouch." Sighing, I glance towards her door. Nothing yet? "Mac, we're going to be late."

"No, we're not." Oh good god. Pinch me, I am dreaming. Forget dreaming, she's not going out wearing THAT! "Cat got your tongue?" She says in that cat that ate the canary type of tone with a look that I swear, could seduce a man at twenty paces.

I stand up, momentarily frozen by that skin tight black outfit. "You're not going out like that." I say flatly but rather than argue she just laughs. "It's not funny Mac, you might as well plaster USDA choice beef on your six."

Her lips do that upturn, trying to be cute, Mac thing and she closes the distance between us, placing her hands on my "fake" chest. Well, what else would you call it? "You afraid some other Superhero will snatch me away Batman?" I feel her hands move up the damned costume and towards the pointy ears which makes up the headdress of the modern Batman costume. Why is it that I find that sexy? "Because, that I know of Catwoman only has a thing for the Caped Crusader." She grins a bit and I am slightly wondering if she'll lick my lips in that cat kiss that Michelle Pfeiffer gave Michael Keaton in Batman Part 2. I mean, I am here, looking like a total moron and. . .oh whatever. "It'll be fine."

"I know it will." Yup, I am whipped and happily admit it. I take her hand and bring it up to my lips, kissing softly. "You do look good enough to eat, Mac." And just like that, my insecurity vanishes as I realize I am going to be the luckiest guy in the planet tonight. "Let's get going, it's a bitch to drive around with these pointy ear thingies hitting the ceiling of the car." She chuckles as I lead her out into the hallway and no doubt will laugh her cute little six off when she sees that I wasn't kidding about the costume issue.

When we arrive at the abandoned warehouse that Harriet procured, it takes me a good three minutes to extricate myself. I had to drive hunched down so that the ears don't tear off and as a result, need to fold myself OUT of the car. Mac tries to help me, but between her laughter and my own, it just took forever.

We flash our ID's at the poor Marine that has to work this evening and head on over to a tent with the word 'JAG' painted on some sign that made it look, slightly spooky.

The amount of people at the event completely takes me by surprise. Who knew people were still really into Tricks and Treats? "Wow, this place is packed." Mac says, trying to relinquish her hand from my grip, but it isn't working. "Harm, let go." She says nicely and I oblige as she elbows me in the chest which is, luckily, covered by the rubber thingy. "Hey guys!" Mac waves and I follow her through the crowd towards the table where our staff is seated.

"Commander, Colonel! Oh my God, you two look great." Harriet coos as I try to decipher what the hell she is wearing. It's something straight out of Alice In Wonderland, but completely morbid, with this evil looking makeup on her face and a bloodied meat cleaver that she is holding. It all makes me hope to God the kids didn't see her looking like this.

Bud comes up to us and for a brief moment I am wondering if the Roberts' got knocked over the head with some blunt object. He's dressed as the Cheshire cat, but in this really, creepy format, all bony and such that is just freaking ME out. "Commander! Colonel!" I mean, the only reason I know it's them is because of those. . .CHEERFUL tones they use when they speak. Maybe they really are just two odd individuals masquerading around as normal people. What's normal anyway?

Mac's grinning. Of course, she probably knows what their costumes are and I, as usual, don't have a clue. "American McGee's Alice?" Do what? Yup, now I am REALLY lost. Thank God this costume can hide most of my facial expressions. Well, it's not that it can HIDE them, it's just that I can barely make any it's so tight. "Chloe dressed up like her last year. I hear it's going to be made into a movie." Thankfully, my Marine. .. erm, Catwoman, is very intuitive. "It's a video game based on Alice In Wonderland, just very macabre. . .It's pretty cool, just. .. "

"Macabre?" I offer and she nods, grinning up at me. I sigh, okay so there are some things I am never going to get.

Taking a look towards our table I find Vic and, oh God, he's STILL with THAT woman! They are dressed like Tom Cruise from Risky Business (meaning, he's in a white shirt, underwear, socks and shades – I gag) and Barbie is dressed in that little pink number Rebecca Dewhatever wore. Hah! And people say I don't watch movies. "What the hell is Vukovic wearing?" I hear Mac say and grin.

"He's Joel and she's Lana from Risky Business." I hear Mac gag slightly then find her trying to roll her eyes. Really, couldn't these damned costumes be ANY tighter? Actually, I don't mind the tightness of hers. "Where's Sturg?"

"Right here buddy." He taps me on the shoulder and turning around I find him dressed like some sort of gangster and Varese like a 1950s show girl. I hafta say, they actually do look rather well. Sturgis eyes my costume all the way up to the ears and laughs. "Batman, huh? Always thought you were more like Superman."

Mac sighs. "He wouldn't wear the tights." I see Sturgis TRYING not to ogle Mac. Funny, Bud did the same thing. "Not that what he's wearing is much different. . ."

"It IS different." I whine, "This cape is larger and these are more like real pants. . .the other thing was hoisery all the way and I don't think so." And if she wants me to be Superman, fine, but in the bedroom only. Hmm. . .Kinky. .. Hmm, never mind. "So are we going to hit the Haunted House or what?"

Alice/Harriet nods. "Yup, but we're supposed to wait for General Creswell, something about him cutting the ribbon to the first annual. . .blah blah blah." Ah, yes, why is it that we have to make everything into a big deal around here? I doubt we're the first military group to put together a Halloween/Charity thing.

What I am actually surprised was that the General went for it and for that matter, the SECNAV, who I see passing by us, waving, wife on his arm. They are dressed like some sort of medieval king and queen. How fitting. When the General finally shows up, he is uncomfortably wrapped in gauze as his wife who came as a pair of mummies. After the ribbon cutting ceremony, we're the first group to be lead into the haunted house.

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, Mac and I are tossed up front. Correction, Mac is in front, I am behind her, holding her hips, then came Sturg and Varese, Bud and Harriet, Vic and Barbie, while the General and Mrs. Creswell brought up the rear. The outside part of the warehouse is decorated to make it look as if we're entering some sort of diabolical meat packing facility. I scrunch my nose at this and Mac, ever the clairvoyant, starts laughing. "I know what you're thinking, flyboy, just run with it."

"Hey! No Flyboy." I protest. "Tonight. .I am BATMAN!" I say, lowering my voice to this dark and dangerous tone I had practiced. I don't have much time to flirt with Mac as a second later we are ushered inside as a door slams loudly behind us. "Heheh, this is pretty cool." I say, keeping my hands on Mac's hips as we wait in the darkness, for SOMETHING to happen. And it does, in the form of this fog, no doubt from some fog machine and this green light that makes it glow and eerie green. From the right his huge TV comes alive with some ghoulish Tales From The Crypt looking guy telling us about the rules of the attraction and the fact that if we have a heart condition, we should step out. Also, that people will stalk, chase and touch you. Great. That's what I need, a bunch of weirdoes trying to touch us. At the end of the video, the Crypt Keeper insures us that it's all make-believe.

"Or is it. Muahahahaaaaa!"

I roll my eyes in amusement, then chuckle. How bad can a little old haunted house be? Huh? To the left this metal gate opens at its own will and we follow the eerie green fog that way. Mac's leading us, looking left and right, waiting for something to jump out at us. I full out expected it to be human, but no, as we enter what looks like a labyrinth, some sort of mechanical monster rips up the ceiling and stops about a foot short of clobbering my Batman ears. I guess I must have yelped or something because I find Mac turning to me with a raise brow. "Did you just yell?"

"Nope, that was me." Sturgis says, holding onto Varese in a way that is making me embarrassed to be his friend. "Can you keep moving?" I want to say something smug to him, but the moment I try to find the words, I hear Mac scream. Turning around, we come face to face with this sick looking ghoul, complete with chainsaw. He's trying to rile her up a bit more, but it really doesn't work, he got her once and that was all. I chuckle slightly, then point him towards Sturgis and Varese who both yell their heads off.

Chuckling, Mac and I lead ourselves through the maze, occasionally getting a slight fright as all sorts of monsters come out of secret holes in walls. Some sort of spider web touches her head and she turns to me with a look that would kill. "If I didn't have my head covered I would kill someone." Yep, and I believe it because I've seen how long it takes to fix her hair.

As we come out of the maze, having lost half of our party (Right now only Bud and Harriet are with us) we walk into the second room which looks, to my dismay, exactly like a meat packing plant, completely with blood covered walls, blood covered overalls and huge hunk of some sort of fake, bleeding farm animal. "Eww." I say, then quickly duck as the animal rolls on some track towards us, whacking Harriet, who proceeds to yelp. Bud is quickly trying to get her under control when the ghoul of the room walks in. He's some sort of Leatherface looking fellow, complete with chain saw which he uses to try and scare Mac. The jokes on him, she already saw him coming by the means of a strategically placed mirror on the ceiling which allows the actors to see when we poor souls have entered their realm.

Mac pats him on the back. "Nice try, but there are a few other in our group who you can totally freak out." She grins, instructing him to wait for the General, Vic and Sturg to come on by. She takes my hand and gleefully tugs me into the second room which looks, amusingly docile. Some of it reminds me of my bedroom at Grams' farmhou. . .Okay, what the hell is going to happen to us now? That ominous green fog starts to permeate the room and before we know it something starts to rattle the closet door.

She thinks that I don't notice, but Mac's come a lot closer to me than she was two seconds ago. Well. . .to be completely honest. . .Okay, so it was me coming closer to her! Okay, yes! I am slightly scared here! This whole setting reminds me of nightmares I used to have as a child of monsters coming out of the closet door. Hey, make-believe or not, I still can't sleep if the friggin' closet door isn't closed.

Finally, the rattling stops and as we're busy trying to figure out what's going to pop out at us, something sneaks up from behind, a ghoul with ragged clothing, chains which scares us out of our whit's. We scream. . .Well, I scream, Mac screeches and then we laugh nervously and quickly leave the area heading into the next room which looks like a cemetery.

From behind I hear people screaming, no doubt Bud, Harriet and the rest of our gang which we've completely lost. I keep my hand in Mac's as we have several creatures pop out at us. Most look like something that was coughed up from Michael Jackson's thriller video. The creatures run around, forcing us to run out of the cemetery in a fit of nervousness and giggles.

To enter the next room, we have to head in through these double doors only to be blasted by some heavy metal music which only makes you just that much more insane. Lights are shinning everywhere in various colors and slowly, very slowly, something starts to materialize in front of us. It's a clown.

Oh no.

Mac HATES clowns.

She shrikes loudly and I do mean LOUDLY and before I have a chance to do much, she's climbing on my back, hanging on to my shoulders. "Harm, get me the hell out of here!"

"Hey! Watch the ears!" I yell as I feel her hands heading that way. Really, I didn't think they would be THAT much of a problem! But this is the costume from hell!

"Will you get your six moving, Commander! That's an order!" I want to give her a reverse "I'm a Marine" convo, but she REALLY is freaking out. As fast as possible, I weave us through the maze that we are locked in. I can assume she's keeping her eyes closed as I don't hear her screaming. Finally, we're out of the clown maze and enter into, what has to be, the last room.

Course, I only know that because there is a big neon sign that says "LAST ROOM." I manage to put Mac down, who is apologizing profusely. "Harm, I didn't mean to jump on you like that but, uh. . ."

"Hey, it's alright. . .was kinda fun." Taking my hand again, she starts to lead us through the final section which looks like a deranged version of children's fairytales. "Harriet and Bud can fit in here with their costumes." She says, grinning as all sorts of characters pop up at us.

We get through the rest of the attraction without much issue, then step outside to wait for our gang who is taking and obscenely long time. I wrap my arms around Mac, holding her close for these few moments of peace we'll have tonight. "Did you have fun?"

"Save for the clowns, yes, it was great. .. It's fun to have a safe scare here and there." Course, I don't think our gang would say the same thing. Two seconds later the door opens up and out spills out Vic and Barbie. She's just yelling like a madwoman and Vic looks like he either wet himself or. .. no, I thing he just wet himself.

"Sir, ma'am." He rushes by us, running after Barbie who is running through the lot making a scene. I glance down at Mac who is giving me her patented. 'You dated THAT?' look.

It doesn't take too much longer for the rest of our friends to file out, all laughing and huffing and puffing from the fright fest. "We should do this next year." Harriet beams

"NO!" We all say at the same time, chuckling at her look of disappointment. "It was fun Harriet, but I think I am getting a little old for fright fests." The General says, holding a hand to his chest dramatically. Turning to us, he raises a brow in amusement. "Couldn't you two wait for the rest of us?"

Mac and I look at each other then back to our friends all who look a little. . .umm. . .ticked off. "Well, I ah. . .she. . .we. . ." I open and close my mouth a few times, trying to get some sort of intelligent sentence out which just does not work. Finally, I sigh, settling for. "Hey, Mac dragged me, I went. . .You know, Marines need to have their sixes watched by the Navy." Possessively, I tug her towards me giving her a cute grin as she glares me with that 'Stop being a Neanderthal' look.

The General sighs. "Rabb, just keep your hand on your own six until you leave tonight." He wisely offers his tip, patting me on the shoulder as he and his wife head towards the tent where a small party is going on.

Mac glances up at me and giggles. "Busted flyboy.. . .Uh, I mean, Batman." She uses that deep voice on me and as she saunters off, beckoning me to join with a sexy sway to her hips. Amazing, I wonder how they hell the General knew my hand had ventured towards her six. The world may never know.