Iruka stared at the door, unsure how to proceed. He knew his partner was behind that door. He knew the man needed comfort. But he wasn't sure he was the right person to give it.

It killed him to know he had hurt Kakashi so deeply. The man had put his trust in him. Trusted him to never hurt him. To protect him and he had failed. Now the copy Nin was in the hospital, reduced to tears by his actions. He felt sick with himself. He hadn't really seriously considered getting caught or what it would mean. Every time he saw her it was 'the last time.' He never really meant to go back. But she was so alluring.

The first time he met with her he hadn't lied to Kakashi. He really was going out for drinks with a friend. Or so he thought. Unfortunately for him, there was a misunderstanding. His new colleague had assumed his friendly invitation was a date.

After a pleasant evening that seemed blatantly platonic in Iruka's mind he found himself being invited in to her apartment for coffee. He politely declined. Coffee that late at night and after alcohol wasn't a good idea. She had chuckled at his innocence, pulling him closer and kissing him passionately before he could react. The Sake had slowed his reaction time considerably. It was then he understood why Kakashi regularly chose to forgo drinking. He was a man that needed to be in control, and when he drank he felt like he had lost that closely guarded aspect of his life.

The kiss had only lasted a couple of seconds. Iruka opened his mouth to protest. To tell her he was in a stable relationship with a man he loved. To apologise for leading her on. But the words never came. He was incredibly aroused, his cock straining against his pants painfully from just that small kiss. He couldn't break himself away, no matter how badly he wanted to leave.

Grabbing her roughly he pulled her flush against him, grinding her in to his erection. They both moaned as he took her mouth, crushing it against his. He was never allowed to be in control before. It was more exciting than he had imagined. He understood why Kakashi needed to feel this way.

Kakashi!

He had pulled back suddenly, realising his mistake.

"I…" He started, staring in to her eyes. "I can't…"

She cut him off with another rough kiss, her hand palming his cock through his pants. The fight was over. His body took control of his brain as she shoved him inside her apartment, locking the door behind her.

Iruka shook himself from his thoughts. He was becoming aroused just remembering. Guilt washed over him as he remembered why he was standing in a hospital corridor. Kakashi was behind that door. Hurting…

Ignoring his better judgement he slid the door opened, looking at the floor as he approached the other man's bed.

Kakashi had his eyes closed, still sitting cross legged in the bed elbow resting on knee. His lowered forehead resting in his palm. He felt Iruka growing closer to him but said nothing, wishing desperately he would leave.

"Babe…" Iruka whispered, making to sit on the bed in front of him. Kakashi's eyes snapped opened suddenly, reaching out to push the other away.

"Don't babe me!" He practically shouted. His lip quivered as he met the Chunin's wide eyes. "Don't pretend to care now. It's too late." He said, his voice lowered to almost a whisper. The dark haired man watched him sadly. He had never seen his lover so broken. He had made him this way. His compassion kicked in and he felt his eyes water. "Don't you cry!" Kakashi whimpered. "You're not allowed to cry. That's not fair."

Iruka sighed, wiping at his eyes. "I'm sorry." He said lamely. Kakashi stared at him, Sharingan spinning. His brows knitted as he turned the words over in his mind.

"You're sorry?" He asked. "You're fucking sorry? Is that it?"

The other man shrugged, shaking his head, mouth agape. The Jounin waited for more. He wanted him to keep talking. To say anything else. But he remained silent.

"What are you sorry for?" He asked finally, looking away. He pretended to stare out the window. His heart tightened painfully as he waited for an answer.

"For hurting you." The answer came half heatedly. Kakashi let a tear slip from his eyes, sick of trying to hold them back. He was exhausted. Physically and mentally.

"You know Iruka…" He began, purposefully keeping his stare fixed on the tree outside. Iruka could see he was crying, even though he wasn't facing him. It did hurt him to see his boyfriend in so much pain. He had never seen him cry before. "I don't often show my emotions. Not even when I'm alone." Kakashi continued. "I suppress them. Pretend I don't have them. In fact, other than showing love towards you… I don't think anyone really knows my true feelings about anything. But just because I don't show my feelings doesn't mean I don't have them." His tears were falling freely now, he blinked harshly trying to clear his vision. "I have feelings Iruka. Sometimes I feel like you forget that. Even before… before this." He chocked.

He had intended to keep going. Keep ranting until he had said everything he needed to say. Finished the speech he had been practicing in his head since he confirmed his suspicions. But his mouth wouldn't cooperate anymore. The heart monitor started to beep again and the Chunin eyed it worriedly. His own heart hurt, thinking about the pain the Jounin was feeling.

Kakashi was totally right. He kicked himself mentally. He knew his Kashi had feelings. Of course he did. Everyone had feelings. But it's kind of hard to keep track of how someone feels when they constantly wear a mask to hide them from everyone. Even when he wasn't physically wearing a mask he was still able to conceal them well. He supposed it was a combination of being a Shinobi and to avoid letting anyone in… And therefore avoid getting hurt.

When he really thought about it, there were times when he had said or done something and to the untrained eye it would appear that the Jounin was un-phased. But Iruka saw the hurt flash through the others eyes, or the ever so slight grimace that signalled his discomfort. He had known his partner was embarrassed earlier… but he had ignored it because he wasn't sure why and couldn't be bothered asking.

Why didn't I comfort him…? Reassure him… Why didn't I ask what was wrong? Why did I ignore it?!

Perhaps he even spurred the other's embarrassment on with his comment about being self-conscious. He knew his lover was very self-conscious. He pretended nothing ever bothered him. But he remembered the drunken conversation Kakashi had long forgotten. The Jounin had drunkenly slurred about how he wanted to be taken seriously as a child, hence the mask. That much everyone already knew. But he had also spilled another little secret that night. He hated his face. Hated it in general and also how much he reminded himself of his father. The story about wanting to be taken seriously as a child was true, but it was also a convenient cover for how he felt about himself.

God I'm such a horrible person…

Iruka wondered briefly if he was purposefully trying to hurt his partner.

No… that couldn't be it. I love him. But… then why did I have a go at him about his mask? Why didn't I just kiss him like I knew he wanted?

He thought back to the first time he had seen Kakashi without his mask. They had been together nearly 6 months.

Did it take that long for him to decide it was okay to let me in? 6 months… I suppose he didn't want to take it off until he was sure I loved him enough to stay, no matter what was under there… To make sure I wouldn't hurt him…

"I'm so sorry Kakashi!" He blurted suddenly. All these questions in his head that weren't being answered weren't resolving the situation. All they were doing was cementing in his mind that he loved Kakashi. He wasn't sure why he had acted the way he did. But he was sorry now. Really…. Truly sorry.

The unexpected apology sounded a lot more sincere than the first one. The copy Nin turned to look at him. The dolphin frowned at the pain written clearly on the unmasked face. He really had broken him… "I'm so so sorry!" He continued. "I'll do anything to make it up to you! Seriously anything!" He heard himself begging.

To his surprise the silver haired man smiled slightly. His red rimmed eyes locking on to his and searching his soul.

"It's ok." He said after a while, looking away again.

"No! No it's not… I hurt you!"

"Yeah… you did. But it's done now." He stated. "You're not the first person to hurt me Iruka."

He just did it again… He's smiling but… the way he said that. He said it so evenly, yet… I've never heard him sound so sad. Can other people hear it…? See it… Or is it just me…?

The room was silent for a second while Iruka thought.

I guess… If other people could see it, they wouldn't hurt him…

"Kashi…" he almost sighed.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" the Jounin asked softly, still smiling.

"What do you mean… why are you smiling?" Iruka asked, frustrated by his spouse's behaviour.

"I'm smiling because I've made up my mind." He whispered. "And… you were going to… to see her, before all of this." He continued, gesturing at the room in general. "Or did you go and see her while I was unconscious?" He asked, his smile slipping away as he used all of his strength to not look at the other again.

"Oh… no. I didn't see her. I'm never going to see her again."

Kakashi chuckled, his smile returning.

"Why are you laughing?! What have you made up your mind about?!" The Chunin shouted suddenly, demanding an answer.

"Iruka… You said you'd do anything to make it up to me…? He questioned.

Iruka nodded. "Of course."

"Well there is something you can do for me." He paused. The Chunin leaned forward waiting impatiently.

"Anything." He repeated after the other never resumed his speech. Kakashi sighed, his shoulders slumping as he watched the delicate snowflakes begin to fall again. It hardly ever snowed in Konoha.

"Please leave me." he whispered. "Because I'm not strong enough to leave you."