Iruka gaped, not sure he had heart quite right.

"Leave you?" He asked, looking around him. "Like… Leave you now. So you can be alone here?"

"Leave me so I can be alone forever." Kakashi clarified, still watching the snow. "I can't spend my life hoping you'll love me back."

"I do love you back." He whispered, moving forward to sit on the bed in front of the other. The copy Nin didn't push him away this time. So he pulled his legs up so he was also sitting cross legged, facing the broken man.

"Did you know… It's been nearly a month since you…"

"Fucked you." Iruka cut him off. Kakashi scowled at him, hurt flashing through his eyes again.

"Makes sense you would assume that." He spat. "It's all you think about after all. I was going to say hugged me."

The Chunin scoffed before he could stop himself. This was not the time to be getting defensive… But what the hell. His boyfriend was lying through his teeth to try and guilt him further.

"It has not!" He sneered.

"It has." Kakashi stated, finding his stare resting in his lap again.

"We hug all the time." Iruka laughed.

"No. We don't. Trust me… I would know. Maybe you're getting me confused with someone else." He said, his voice cracking. The teacher leaned forward subconsciously. His instinct was to comfort. Kakashi pulled away, rubbing his face. "You always walk passed me. When you get home you walk passed me and just… do whatever you're doing and anytime I try and get close to you, you lie and say you have somewhere to go." He sobbed. "Don't tell me I don't know! You are so selfish. You forgot I had feelings. You broke my heart."

Iruka felt a pang in his own heart at the other's words. It made him sick to see how weak the other was. The Jounin probably knew this… only adding to his pain and self-loathing.

Why did I do this to him? He's right… He's so right. I just walked passed him. I should have hugged him, kissed him and all of the above. Why was I so focused on that woman?!

He leaned forward again, pulling the man's hands from his face and kissing each one in turn. He squeezed them tightly, pulling them up to his mouth again and just resting them there. Kakashi stared at him. His boyfriend's hands were so warm, so comforting and so, so soft. He exhaled shakily, keening towards the touch before pulling back violently, taking Iruka by surprise.

"It's too late now!" He cried. "You have to leave me. Because if you don't then I'll forgive you. I'll forgive you and I'll spend the rest of my life feeling self-conscious and inadequate, following you around to make sure you aren't fucking someone else every time you are away from me for more than an hour. Please be fair…" He begged, his voice soft.

What have I been reduced to? You're pathetic Hatake. Stop begging. He doesn't deserve it. You're an elite Jounin not a child.

"Umino." Came a harsh voice from the doorway. Their heads snapped up, both feeling uneasy that they had not noticed another presence in the room. Tsunade strode towards them, stopping next to the bed. "My patient needs to rest and he has asked you to leave." She said sternly. "You're dismissed."

"But M'lady!" The Chunin started to protest, amazed at his own bravery. She leaned closer to him, whispering harshly.

"Dismissed. It's Hokage for Get out."

He gulped, taking a last look at Kakashi before he stood up.

"I'm really am sorry." He said softly as he headed towards the door. Kakashi watched him leave, feeling his heart was actually being ripped in two. The Godaime leaned down to his level and shoved a small cup roughly in his hand.

"Sedative." She stated matter-of-factly. "Please take it. You need sleep to recover."

He eyed the small tablet, wishing he had 50 to take all at once.

"I know what you're thinking brat. Don't even bother trying to find the rest of them. You will fail. Besides I'm not leaving until you take it. I'll strap you down and shove it down your throat if I have to." She warned. He sighed, picking up the tiny pill and swallowing it dry.

"Do I have to check under your tongue?" She asked. He shook his head, lying down in the bed and snuggling under the sheet. This was the first time he could ever remember being grateful for being forced to spend the night in the hospital. He wanted to be sedated. He wanted to sleep. He never wanted to wake up.

OoOoOoOo

"Well aren't you a sight?" Genma smirked. Tenzou elbowed him sharply.

"Are you alright Sempai?" He asked, his face soft and friendly. "They're saying you had a heart attack."

Kakashi sighed inwardly at himself. He really was out of it if he didn't hear the Special Jonin coming. He hadn't had time to get his mask on. But then again, when you're undercover on an ANBU mission, sometimes wearing a mask is too suspicious. So they had both seen him without it on occasion anyway. He eyed them wearily from his seat next to the window. It hadn't even been 24 hours but if Genma knew, he suspected the whole village did by now.

The harsh morning sun started to peak out from behind the snow filled clouds. It made the layer of white covering the city impossibly bright. It had snowed for the better half of the night. He was surprised to only find a small layer covering the rooftops when he awoke this morning.

He turned fully towards his friends, saying nothing. They gave each other a look Kakashi could only guess meant that they had just nonverbally decided they weren't leaving until they were sure he was okay. He didn't feel like talking. He didn't want visitors. He sighed loudly, rubbing his forehead with his palm.

"I'm fine." He answered in his everyday bored drawl. Genma seemed kind of satisfied, winking at him.

Idiot

"I know you're not fine Sempai." Tenzou said softly, moving towards him. "Lady Tsunade sent me. Genma's just here because… Well because to be honest I couldn't shake him." He said irritably, shooting a look in the special Jounin's direction.

"You could have teleported." Kakashi offered.

"Nah. I knew he was coming here. I would have just made my way here and then used him as an excuse to get in to see you anyway." Genma explained, senborn bobbing.

"Yeah… so… you know. Easier to let him in, then tell him to fuck off than to try and keep him out altogether." Tenzou snickered.

"Yeah." Genma agreed, smiling wickedly.

"Right well… what do you want? What did Tsunade want?" The Jounin asked, starting to get annoyed with the pair that had interrupted his thoughts.

The ANBU shot another look over his shoulder before moving right up close, leaning in to whisper.

"Everyone thinks you had a heart attack. I know you didn't. But I'm willing to agree it was an accident involving a poison shuriken if that's what you wanted to tell people."

Genma eyed them suspiciously.

"Stop whispering! I can't hear the gossip if you whisper!" He complained. The copy Nin nodded and Tenzou straightened, smiling.

"Look Genma I don't know why you even bothered coming here… Kakashi's not going to tell you what he was hit with." He said sternly.

"What do you mean hit with?" He asked, eyes wide at the apparently slip of the tongue. Kakashi smacked Tenzou on the arm.

"Idiot!" He hissed.

"Ugh… I'm sorry… It just slipped out."

"You're a fucking ANBU Tenzou… Keep your trap shut."

"I'm sorry… Look… He's going to find out eventually anyway why don't you just tell him? That way when the gossip starts it won't be as bad because it came straight from your mouth." The brown haired man reasoned.

"Fine…" The Jounin growled in mock defeat. "I was hit with a poison Shuriken… Are you happy?! Kakashi of the Sharingan… The great Copy Ninja was hit by a fucking posion blade thrown by a Genin. And… And… to make matters worse. I didn't get it checked straight away… I thought it was fine but it wasn't. Now I'm in the hospital, being forced to endure this… this torture." He finished, gesturing towards them both. Tenzou's mouth ticked slightly. It was clear he was trying hard to hold back a smile.

He's a fucking ANBU…

Genma practically beamed with glee.

"Thank you for trusting me with this information my friend." He grinned wildly, barely stifling his laugh. "I won't tell a soul." He lied as sincerely as he could. "Feel better!" He yelled from the doorway, winking at Tenzou as he left.

One idiot down…

He turned to his friend. His face had sombered the second the other man had left. He was no longer holding in a laugh. His almond eyes were full of sadness and…

Pity

Kakashi realised with a twist to the gut.

He pities me

"I'm so sorry Kakashi." He started. Kakashi held up a hand to stop the other talking.

"Please don't." He said softly. He may have left the ANBU but Tenzou was still his subordinate. He had never allowed the other to see him weak and right now was no exception. Asking him politely to stop talking was as far as he would go to show the other man exactly how much he was hurting.

His friend nodded in understanding. He knew what hardship was. He knew what loneliness was. He knew what he meant when someone asked him with a small voice to please stop talking. He respected Kakashi deeply, so he settled for a smile as he sat down in the empty chair next to him.

"I'm not exactly here on a mission." He admitted. "I mean Lady Tsunade sent me but… She said only to come if I wanted to. The last thing you need right now is someone hanging out with you because they were ordered to."

"Are we hanging out?" Kakashi asked with a somewhat hopeful smile. He had expected this after his breakdown in the Godaime's presence. She no longer had a reason to keep him in the hospital after today. Other than to keep an eye on him. Which to Kakashi's relief was a waste of village resources. So she sent one of his friends to essentially be her spy. She would probably make them relentless as well. Make them all take shifts, never giving him a moment alone until suddenly one day he realised he wasn't sad anymore.

He wasn't looking forward to the first shift but he found himself really glad she chose Tenzou. He regretted thinking he was an idiot earlier. He was a really genuine person that probably understood him better than anyone else. He really did like him. They just never got to see each other since he left the ANBU because they were both always on different assignments and when Kakashi was home he was spending time with…

He shook his head, clearing it of the thought. Tenzou looked at him questionably.

"I mean we don't have to… well we kind of do. But I can leave you alone and just say we hung out." He floundered.

"What? No… Don't leave. I was just thinking about something else." Kakashi said, forcing the smile to come back.

Someone else…

The ANBU nodded empathetically. "Ok well… If you're sure." He noted silently the small plea Kakashi had just made. No matter how much he wanted him to stay, if he was in his right mind he would not have asked. "When are they letting you out?" He asked as if the other was incarcerated.

Kakashi found himself chuckling again. Tenzou had such an innocent sense of humour. Really he had an innocent personality. He was the type of person that blushed when someone told a dirty joke, didn't drink if he had to work in the morning and his version of letting lose on the weekend involved a cup of coffee after 7pm and a good book.

On the occasion he would dabble in alcohol he often drank very little. But considering his very minimal consumption, he made for a pretty amusing lightweight. Drunk Tenzou was fun. He sang karaoke, swore like a sailor and complained about his comrades with no regard for his own safety.

But even when intoxicated he was extremely respectful of woman. To Kakashi's memory he had never seen him take home a woman before. He had never even see him hit on one. He just stood shyly at the bar, eyeing them from a distance.

Kakashi shook himself from his thoughts once more. His friend was staring at him, a slight flush on his cheeks.

"Sorry… I'm a bit spacey, must be the sedative." He lied. "What did you ask me?"

"I asked… when you're allowed to leave?" The ANBU laughed.

"Oh… uh, well I have to be examined again by Tsunade but she said I will probably be fine to leave this afternoon. I guess seeing as she sent you to keep an eye on me she mustn't foresee any complications. If she did she would be able to keep me here and keep an eye on me herself." He mused.

"Yeah…"

There was a silence. It was only slightly awkward. Like when a relative you don't see often visits and you run out of things to tell them. It was mostly comfortable.

"So who's on the next shift?" Kakashi asked slyly; sussing out the fifth's weird 'friend roster'.

"She will probably send Asuma." Tenzou smiled, catching on to his meaning. "But you know. There doesn't have to be shifts Kakashi."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… First of all… I'm here for you. If you don't want anyone else knowing about this I'm willing to… well to take all the shifts." He smiled. "But if you feel alright to go home by yourself I'll believe you. I'll tell Tsunade that is my honest opinion and she will have no choice but to leave you alone."

Kakashi cringed.

Home…

"Where is home?" He asked softly, his face had fallen once more. His eyes followed the lines of grout between the tiles on the floor, waiting for an answer he knew the other couldn't give.

He felt a strong hand clasp his shoulder. He looked up in to the dark pools of his friend's kind eyes.

"Where ever you want it to be." He smiled sympathetically.

"I want…" Kakashi started. He let his mouth close, not wanting to voice what he wanted.

"I know what you want." The other squeezed his shoulder affectionately. There was another silence as the Jonin considered how much his friend new. He wanted to ask but couldn't make himself. The thought was humiliating.

To his surprise, his question was answered as the other began talking again.

"You know I wouldn't judge you if you went back to Iruka…" He said in an extremely honest tone. "But… as your friend I also want to tell you that I don't think it's in your best interest. You once said to me that you would never let anyone harm your comrades… Well I feel the same way and…" He paused. Kakashi watched as he struggled to form the words. Obviously trying very hard to not offend or humiliate him. "Iruka hurt you… That makes him scum to me." He said finally. "I understand you like no one else Senpai. We worked together effortlessly for years on end. We shared stories, feelings, tents and even beds to keep from freezing our nuts off. You may be nicknamed 'Cold Blooded Kakashi' but all I ever saw was a man that had lost everything. You spared my life once and I am eternally grateful to you. I want to help you. Anyone that would willingly hurt you is just…"He cut himself off before he said too much, sighing as he realised it was too late to go back to what he had said earlier.

I'm a walking contradiction…

He thought as he forced himself to smile at Kakashi. Hoping he didn't right hook him through the wall when he was finished taking everything in.

The silver haired man smiled slightly. His eyes were still locked with his friend's.

"Thank you." He said simply.

"I really do mean it Kakashi. That I wouldn't judge you. I understand you need him… He's your anchor. I get that. But… just because you are a good person doesn't mean that your anchor isn't scum." He said softly.

Kakashi had never really considered that Iruka was his anchor until his friend mentioned it. He supposed he was. There was no one else he was that close too. No one he could trust to be there for him explicitly.

Contrary to what Tsunade thought; he did listen in his counselling sessions. If he just happened to be pretending to be asleep well that was too bad. It helped him get help without looking like he wanted or needed it.

It was never recommended to use a person as an anchor. Thinking back, he knew what he was doing. He just didn't consider it until now. He never saw the harm, regardless of what advice he was given by a professional. Iruka was there to help him up when he fell. Although, if he was being honest. He didn't ever fall very far in front of the Chunin. But he was there to fuck him back to reality when the numb feeling set in after a particularly gruesome mission. He made him feel like a person. Like he was worth something to someone. He was the perfect anchor. It was only just now in this moment he understood why they recommended a happy memory instead of a person. People betray you.

"Well maybe it's time for me to find a new anchor." The Jonin said aloud, surprising the ANBU.

There's no way in hell he's gotten over this so quickly….

Tenzou thought, eyeing him worriedly.

"I don't need Iruka!" Kakashi said defiantly, his hand balling in to a fist.

I suppose I'll be reporting to Tsunade that the worst is yet to come…