If i later decide to make this into a story, I'll move it to it's own thing. for now I'm struggling with my three stories lol. Adri-swan (who is awesome for reviewing almost every story I've written!) ask what happened to cause it, so here it is! depression is a bitch :/. I apologize if Ivan is a bit OOC, I'm really not use to writing him yet! though I love him so... (why do I look at Ivan and sweden and instantly think "my precious babies!"? big intimidating characters that I just wanna coddle... I don't understand!)

anyway! enough babbling, enjoy Ivans POV!

Ivan pulled into the driveway of their two story house. before he even opened the car door his eyes landed on the red convertible. Alfred today then was it?

He walked up to the house, his face betraying none of the anger he felt. he shut the door a little harder than necessary and put his briefcase down. he frowned as he heard the sounds of Matthew's current activities carry. Ivan looked across the living room and towards the stairs. clothing everywhere.

Ivan bent over on his way to the stairs, snatching up bits and pieces as he went, last thing he wanted was that damn american wandering naked in his house for longer than necessary. he climbed the stairs and raised an eyebrow. "louder Matvey? really?" he muttered and he shook his head.

he knew what was behind the door. he'd seen it enough times, but it never got any easier to see. he swung the door open in time to watch that damn american shuddering at his end. Matthews timing had become impeccable. his eyes slid to the indigo ones he knew would be looking for him. he didn't even notice the faux guilt they tried to pull off anymore, only that twinkle of cruel pleasure. the knife in his heart twisted, but he refused to show it. he wouldn't play into this. he settled for tossing the clothing on the floor and closing the door.

he stalked down to his study closing the door softly before he let himself get angry. how many time now? dozens. not even always the same man. there was Alfred and Gilbert. they were the most common, but sometimes it switched. that tall blonde he'd heard Matthew call Lars when he caught them in the shower, the red head he'd stumbled upon him with on the kitchen counter, or that time he had come home to find Matthew with a large german and a small italian at the same time.

It always hurt the same. that knife twisting, reminding him he wasn't enough. Ivan told himself it was his own fault. Matthew did this because Ivan was damaged, cold, he couldn't give the blonde what he needed. Matthew was too good for him, too kind, too patient. his mind chanted over and over 'this is my fault. he does this because I'm not enough, I'm not enough because I'm not good, I'm not good because I can't show him how i feel, I can't show him because he'll leave if I do...' above the pain of walking in on this again and again the thought of Matthew leaving was… a hand clenched his chest.

no. If he wasn't enough, if Matthew needed more… again and again he would choose this pain over losing him. as if he really could choose any different. his heart wouldn't give him another option.

When it started Ivan would get mad over it. letting his hurt out, Matthew would apologise and Ivan would cling desperately to him begging in his silent way for him to stay. fear of Matthew leaving crushing the depression that clutched him. he would work to show every ounce of affection he could, though it felt unnatural. But Matthew needed it, he would beg for it. It broke Ivan further to hear how his sweet Matvey felt ignored. he didn't mean to ignore him… it was just hard to see why Matthew would want his attention.

But the feeling would claw its way back, worse then ever. his mind screaming that Matthew didn't need him, no one needed him. he had chased off his sisters, he had scared off almost everyone in his life and Matthew would leave soon too. he would take off one day if Ivan kept yelling... so, eventually Ivan shifted to cold regard when he made the painful discoveries.

he would close his eyes to it, ignore it the best he could. He would bury the hurt behind a mask of apathy. the anger could fuel him towards sex for a night or two, but soon that would fade and the lack of confidence would take him again. why would Matthew want him? he could get any in a line of men.

his thoughts drifted back to when it started to break apart. the depression had hit over the years, it would be there, tearing him apart, then it would leave as quickly as it came. it had been on its way out when he met Matthew, so the first while was good. he was cheerful, eager to be as close to the canadian as possible. watching him smile, letting him know how amazing he was... but then Ivan ran into that wall.

He had no will to do anything. he worked, came home , slept. he would still try. but it was so hard to gather enough willpower to be enthusiastic. things started to taper off. he saw Matthew start to struggle with the shift and it made him feel useless. Ivan would resent him at times. there was no reason to be angry at the small blonde, yet he would be reminded of his inability to make Matthew happy and the irritation would come out.

The blonde still tried and he hated it. He didn't deserve flowers. why would Matthew make someone breakfast in bed when that person couldn't even manage to hold a conversation with him? if he continued to let Matthew coddle him when he had a bad day, Ivan would only become a burden. he needed to deal with it himself.

then he came out in that damned outfit. looking perfect, tempting, amazing…. But Ivan looked on and just felt inadequate. he had been such a disappointment in bed that his innocent little Matvey had turned to this? He knew how shy the man was… this must had killed him to buy. Ivan was too disgusted with himself to be turned on. he opted to wallow in self pity.

It was ironic really. Ivan had first walked in on Matthew with Gilbert when he was in that outfit. a slap in the face. a reminder that other people could see the attractive man and do what Ivan couldn't get past himself to do. it had scared the shit out of him.

He heard the shower turn off and he realized he hadn't even sat down. he turned and exited the room to lean against the wall. He knew Jones could be rough sometimes… he wanted to make sure Matthew wasn't hurt this time. the bathroom door opened. Matthew stepped out in nothing but a towel. Ivan wanted to hold him, cry and beg him to stop. but he didn't, he would only push Matthew away that way, so instead he was cold and hard. "don't forget to clean up mess. don't want to slip on your bad choices."

Matthews eyes held the ghost of hurt but had breezed past him with an indifferent shrug. Ivan stood in the hall, his teeth clenched on his tongue, eyes stinging. no. he wouldn't cry. crying was weak. it was pathetic. he couldn't let Matthew know he was hurting over this… he would leave… he would. there was a shattering sound and Matthew cried out.

Ivan lunged into the room and took in the scene. Matthew was standing in amongst broken glass "Matvey, What happened?!" his hands covered in slices, pieces of glass stuck in them. Panic set in as he watched blood dripping. "shit your bleeding!" he started to make his way over carefully.

"why the fuck do you care?" came the cold snap. It frozen the russian in his spot. eyes wide in confusion. what did he mean? of course he cared! Matthew was walking past him speaking softly before he could move again each word piercing "You don't give a shit what I do,"

yes i do...

" don't act like you care about me,"

of course I do! I love you.

"I can take care of myself."

Ivan snapped out of his daze and followed closely behind the blonde only to have the bathroom door slam in his face. Ivan huffed letting a little anger out as he reopened the door. Matthew couldn't handle those cuts on his own… concern drowned out self doubt "don't be stupid Matthew" he struggled with the name knowing it would stop any arguments.

he quickly went to work fixing the hands in front of him. running water and the quiet plink of glass shards the only sound for a few minutes. his heart ached as the painful looking cuts, he longed to be able to kiss them, but he didn't even know how it would be received anymore.

"Ivan... I can't do this anymore" the small voice felt like blade

no. he refused to understand the words, he would ignore their meaning and find another "what are you talking about, I'm almost done. then we'll bandage…" his voice came out more irritated than he wanted, he had tried to cover the shaking but a waver still broke through.

"Ivan, I can't cling to the fact that you use to love me anymore."

Ivan's chest clenched. use to? he wanted to grab him and shake him. tell him he was being silly, of COURSE Ivan still loved him! but he was scared… terrified. he did the best he could to stay steady without breaking in two.

"нет, It's the pain talking Mattvey. You know I still love you."

he was wrapping white bandages around the first hand gingerly. they were going to need to get these checked… just focus on the bandaging.

"I just fucked a man on our bedroom floor knowing you'd catch me." Ivan's eyes tightened a bit and he flinched. they both knew Matthew did this on purpose, but it hadn't been said and it stung. yet Matthew continued, anger and hurt in his words.

"I did it because I was hoping you'd act like I was a little more important than dirt for the week. You didn't even care enough to get mad."

Ivans head spun. didn't care? how could he not know how important he was? that he was Ivan's sunshine? of course…. because Ivan never told him. Because why would Matt want to hear it anymore? he had to… no… Matthew wasn't leaving he had to stop him. he was desperate and it showed in his voice

"Mattvey…just let me-"

"no"

he was cut off, The blonde looking away from him as he finished the bandages. "loving you is killing me Ivan" Ivan's heart broke. it was what he feared. no… no please Matvey.. those indigo eyes turned, they were full of tears and hurt. no… Matvey can't be hurting… please just stay! I'll do better! I'll do whatever you need me to! he sat in silence.

"I don't even know how I got this way anymore." tears came and this time Ivan didn't even fight them " I fought so hard Ivan, but I can't be the only one fighting anymore." the few unruined fingers brushed against his cheek and his heart cried out for them to stay. "I'm sorry"

Ivan's heart shattered as he watched the younger man turn from him. sobs broke forth, there was no point in holding them back. he was leaving… he was leaving and Ivan was going to be alone…

He blonde paused outside the door. Ivan dared to be hopeful. praying with all of him for Matthew to turn around and take it back "I'll be gone by the end of the month. I'll move into the guest room until then" any hope died, Ivan slid to the floor and sobbed, watching as Matthew disappeared from his sight.