chapter four as requested! updated version. first one wasn't good enough...

the next week was beyond awkward for Matthew. due to his hands he was limited as to what he could do, he even had to take a work off week. anything he tried just ended up stinging. after a day of max T-3 doses he caved and admitted he couldn't do it. this meant Ivan did the cleaning and all the cooking he could when he wasn't at work. Matthews guilt built

The week crawled by, uncomfortable silence filling the house. Ivan cooked, Matthew sat in the living room watching TV. Ivan cleaned, Matthew retreated to his room and felt bad.

but the worst of the discomfort was probably when Ivan walked in on Matthew in the living room trying to rebandage his own hands. he had couldn't get the wrap right… Ivan stepped in with few words and did it for him. his hands gentle and efficient. he frowned as he watched the larger man take care of him. yes, because Matthew didn't already feel like a big enough tool.

thankfully, by the end of the week Matthew started taking back over the work. it started slowly, first he took over simple cooking, then wiping down counters and even vacuuming. the only thing he couldn't get past was dishes… Ivan continued to do those

After he wasn't as needed at home, Ivan started coming in a lot later… not that Matthew could blame him. the house wasn't exactly a comforting place at the moment. both of their hearts raw and exposed.

Matthew stood over the stove, phone pressed to his ear and shoulder while he stirred the pasta sauce in the pot in front of him on the stove. he was chatting away to his Papa like he did every week.

"ou fuck! "

"Matthieu are you okay? did you hurt your hand again?!"

" no Papa I'm fine. I'm sorry, just hot tomato sauce splashing."

He reached to turn down the heat.

"are you sure you're handling everything okay mon cher?"

" yeah, I guess I'm okay. It's awkward though."

"well Cheri! you could always come stay at home for a while, you know I wouldn't mind!"

Matthew shuddered "non papa, I'll be okay. I'm looking at a place tomorrow. if i can't find one by next week I have a friend I can stay with." he wasn't about to say which friend, that would only open a can of worms. Francis hummed in reply

"He's been coming home really late most days past week or so anyway. so we barely see each other."

"hmmm… maybe he's met someone…" Said francis off handily. Francis was partly aware of the situation. about a year after it started, it was discovered that Francis and Gilbert worked together. that was awkward all around. finding out your work buddy is screwing you not single son… finding out your dad works with your fuck buddy… oh goody… not a proud moment for father or son.

"y-you think so?" Matthew said, suddenly his voice small. why did that scare him.. that shouldn't…

".. would that bother you cher? I thought you ended things."

"yeah… I mean I did. so I guess it doesn't really. but I gotta go Papa, have to finish up dinner okay? je t'aime"

they said their goodbyes and Matthew hung up the phone. he stood and stared at the boiling pot of pasta. did it bug him? it did he decided after a few moments, but why? thoughts of Ivan with another man hit him like a truck. he felt sick. imagining Ivans hands on someone else, his lips moving across their throat, sweet words Ivan use to speak to him muttered with another name... tears sprung to his eyes and a hand rested on his chest feeling the fast beat. damnit! he wasn't suppose to feel this way anymore…

but jealousy took him. he turned off dinner, shifting the pots to cold burners, not caring it it got wrecked. then he moved to the couch. he sat there getting more and more upset as images swirled through his head. sadness and guilt turning into anger. It hadn't even been a month! how could he move on so fast?! he had been begging Matthew in the car to try again. did this mean he had someone before they broke it off? he completely ignored the voice in his head whispering 'no. that was you'

Was this new guy getting his old Ivan? who was he? why wasn't Matthew good enough anymore? d-did… did Ivan love this other man?

Ivan sighed as he pushed the doors of the medical office open and met the cool breeze. he had a headache again, stupid pills... he grumbled in irritation at the sounds of traffic, as he headed towards his car. he hopped in and put the car in drive, while he drove towards home he let his mind wander over the week...

the day after the hospital trip, and more importantly the conversation in the car, Ivan had made an appointment to see his doctor during his lunch break. It didn't take very long to get the prescription for the antidepressants that rattled in his briefcase, he didn't want to stash them at home, he wasn't ready for Matthew to know. Ivan hated taking the pills, It felt weak... but he was desperately grasping for ways not to lose Matthew.

Along with the pills he hated, Ivan did something even more drastic. He started going to therapist three times a week. it was initially meant to be once a week, but the mountain of issues he had let pile over years seemed overwhelming. the therapist had seen his distress and offered more frequent appointments until his medication kicked in full in six weeks.

on days where he wasn't in therapy, Ivan wasn't sure if he should go home after work or not. the cold silence was awful. Matthew always avoided him, and if they were in the same room, it was like walking through a fog of tension.

his key clicked in the lock and he swung open the front door breathing in the scent of dinner gladly. he kicked off his shoes and taking a deep breath removed his almost always present scarf. the scars of his childhood showing, he folded it gently and placed it on the tabled by the door. he almost always wore the damn thing, thing white material covering his most vulnerable area.

The therapist suggested he try and keep it off at home. Matthew had seen the scars already, they had never driven him away before, so it wasn't going to change. It might even make Matt feel more safe if he knows Ivan was showing his vulnerability.

he walked into the living room and noticed Matthew was on the couch,It wasn't completely unusual, but a little off... "hello" he greeted trying to sound happy on his way to the kitchen. he only received a grunt. Ivans eyebrows came together. now that wasn't like him at all... he peaked over the counter into the living room and towards the blonde, noticing his arms were crossed and he was sitting stiffly. "are you okay Matvey?"

"m'fine" was the quick, bitten response.

"Matvey…" Ivan left the kitchen and thoughts of food to walk out to the living room. he was focused on Matthews weird behaviour.

normally, on the rare occasions Matthew was in a bad mood, Ivan would avoid him. he didn't want to start an argument, or have Matthew be mad at him. He had been scared of pushing the smaller man away or being pushed away himself. but between the pills, therapy and the fact that Ivan no longer had anything to lose…

"Tell me what's wrong da?" he sat in a chair across from Matthews seat on the couch. his arms resting on his knees and his face concerned but kind.

he wasn't expecting the anger and tears in the violet eyes. the blonde, who had been stewing for an hour, snapped "you're asking me what's wrong now? all those fucking years!" Matthew was standing, fists clenched. Ivan looked up at him in absolute shock… he was yelling? " you didn't ask when I was a sobbing mess, but now. now you'll ask. that's fucking great Ivan! really! you're new boyfriend must be so happy you managed to figure out how to show concern!"

"Matvey I don't underst-" Ivan tried, but got cut off.

"maybe that's it eh?! you had someone else! this whole fucking time I felt like a complete asshole for fucking around to get noticed, and the reason you didn't give a shit was because you already had another guy! what was the fucking point of keeping me around then? was I just here for the cooking and cleaning? or was it just easier not to get rid of me? why bother until your new 'little sunflower' was ready to move in right?! " Matthew spat the old term of endearment. Ivan hadn't used it in ages...

Ivan stood, now he looked angry, how could he think any of this?! how he think Ivan could even think of hurting Matthew like that! he felt rage surge through him though nowhere near the ridiculous levels Matthew had taken too.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about Matthew!" he stumbled on the word, but he didn't care how messed up it sounded, the point of it was there. "there hasn't been anyone but you ever, and there won't be! how could there be when I still love you?! I could never do that to you!"

Matthew deflated slightly, his eyes widening as if he'd just been slapped. his face red from embarrassment instead of anger as the words sunk in. eye's filled with guilt. Ivan cursed in his head. he probably could have kept that last part out even if it was true, it was a low blow. "Matthew… I'm sorry I didn't mean-"

"no! It's fine. god this is stupid…" Delicate fingers raked through the blonde curls "look, I don't care, fuck who you like." his eyes hit the ground " not like I didn't" with that, Matthew turned from the conversation and stalked off up the stairs. Ivan cursed as he heard a door slam. that didn't go as well as he'd hoped...

if you're feeling depressed, get help. srsly ppl! I've been there, you don't have to suffer alone. end the stigma!