chapter rated M. not detailed, but essential smut. readers discretion.

also! Patrice safe sex boys and girls! get testing, use condoms, if your a girl birth control is a good idea (I'm proof condoms aren't 100%!)

enjoy!

Matthew sank to his bed and let his head fall to his hands, what was he doing? He ended this. he called it all off and now he was getting jealous?! he was so frustrated, hot angry and embarrassed tears ran down his face, he grabbed a pillow from behind him and whipped it at the wall. this was wrong, this was all wrong!

his fingers laced into his hair gripping painfully. he pulled his knees up pressing his forehead into them. he shook with a mixture of anger and sobs. too overwhelmed to worry about the noise he was making.

a knock sounded against his door. a muffled "Matvey? please let me in" Ivan sounded worried. great now he was worried! Matthew cursed himself in every language he could think of.

"no! please j-just leave me!" he sobbed out loudly. he didn't want to be see in this much of a wreck. he didn't think he could hold it together if Ivan were there… after all the shit he'd pulled. guilt and regret set in hard. Matthew had always known what he was doing was wrong, but he had let himself get away with it for so long, he hadn't really thought of the effect it had. "just go away.." he whimpered.

despite his pleas, the door opened. "Matvey…" Ivan said quietly and sadly. he walked to the bed and Matthew curled in closer on himself. he didn't wanna hear anything… not rejection, or admission of someone else. at the same time, not denial of that Ivan still loved him. he couldn't handle either right now.

"please no… Ivan… just… I'm no good, just leave me alone okay? "

Ivan was kneeling on the floor in front of him. eyes concerned and slightly fearful. Matthew's face lifted slightly, his eyes filled with tears, chin quivering. he couldn't meet the mauve eyes, instead his eyes fell to the russians neck. he noticed Ivans scarf was off, the scars covering his neck in full view… it made his heart ache. what had he done to him? of course he hadn't caused the scars, but Ivan had only started wearing the scarf in the house again during that hellish third year… what had caused it…

Ivan broke his train of thought "нет" came a stubborn voice. "Matvey is good, and I will stay until you explain."

Matthew hid his face and tried to calm his breathing. this was embarrassing. he wanted to be alone, he didn't want to break any further… embarrass himself any further. he was trying to gather the will to get up and walk away when one little word broke him.

"please?"

He squeezed his eyes shut and shakily he whispered "I'm scared"

a hand touched his knee, thumb running over it gently. "why"

Matt couldn't speak past the lump in his throat. ugly choking noises leaving him. the calming shushing noises Ivan was making weren't helping. why was he being this way? why was he like this after Matthew left? what went wrong to make him so cold before? he took a deep shuddering breath

"because I still want you to love me"

Matthew felt the hand freeze on his knee and he tensed, waiting for the rejection. his already shredded heart ached. he just wanted to curl up and die…

"I never stopped Matthew"

Ivan wasn't prepared at all for the body that hit him. when Matthew launched himself off the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms around Ivan's neck holding on tightly. Ivan fell back onto his ass but snaked his arms around Matthew's waist holding the smaller man tight to himself. he could hear Matthew sobbing on his shoulder over and over repeating "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry" .

Ivan could have cried himself out of happiness at the contact. instead he turned his head to the side, nuzzling his face against the golden curls, inhaling the soft smell of his shampoo. he gently raised a hand to the golden hair, running his finger through it and shushing softly.

Matthew pulled his head back, face stained and blotchy, eyes puffy and red, but he was still so beautiful. Ivan could see the words 'I'm sorry' about to form on his lips, but before they could, Ivan's Lips met his. Matthew froze for half a second in surprise before melting into the kiss.

Ivan felt the long delicate fingers move from his shoulder and up into his hair as the kiss deepened. fire stirring in him he hadn't felt in a while. Ivan stood, lifting Matthew with him and they took the few steps back to the bed together. their kisses became desperate, hands trailing to tug at clothing, Matthews fingers works at popping open the buttons of Ivan's shirt, while Ivan's hands were busying themselves with Matthews belt.

The kiss broke and Ivan removed Matthews glasses placing them on the dresser behind him quickly. as he did, Matthew yanked his shirt up over his head, the last piece of clothing either of them had, and moved to kneel on the bed. when Ivan turned around he was pulled into another desperate kiss. Ivan's hands dropped to Matthew's chest, pushing him gently back onto the bed.

Matthew's nailed dug into Ivan's large shoulder as he felt teeth drag along his jaw and down his throat. his breathing hitched and he whimpered. A hand was running up his thigh while the other steadied the man above him. his skin felt like it was on fire with every touch, emotions and close to a month without sex heightening everything.

" you are perfect little sunflower" was muttered against Matthews ear. he turned bright red and gasped. the hand brushed over his lower stomach teasingly. Ivan left another kiss below his ear and pulled back, Mauve eyes looking into indigo ones, " so beautiful Matvey." their lips connected again and Matthews face burned.

Matthew moaned into the kiss loudly as he felt himself being prepped, he pulled out of the kiss and panted, moaning and whimpering with every movement. sweet words falling on his ears between sweet kisses. "I love you Ivan" Matthew whispered before a particularly hard motion had him moaning as he bucked against the hand.

"I love you too Matthew" he gave a smile and placed another kiss on the blushing man's lips before he lowered himself down on him. both lost in the long forgotten sounds of each others pleasure and adoration.

They had fallen asleep curled up in the guest bed. Ivan had Matthe pulled against his chest, arms wrapped lovingly around the smaller man. he slept like that, as if he was worried Matthew would disappear if he let go. when he woke in the morning he looked down at the still sleeping figure and smiled. his heart filled with joy as he laid his head back down and closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of closeness. Ivan was in heaven

Matthew woke up in warm arms. being held close. before he opened his eyes a lazy smiled fell across his face, warms stretching across the chest to snuggle in closer. then it hit him… shit… He had slept with Ivan. had that been a good idea? did he want to get back into this cycle? had he just unwittingly added another step to it?! was this just going to lead to more pain? he tensed and pulled away sitting up quickly, his eyes wide and alarmed as he looked at Ivan, unsure of what to say. Matthew was in hell.