Matthews face burned bright red. "Matvey… are you okay?" Ivan asked, concern colouring his face.

"no" he got out of the bed. reaching for his glasses and shoving them on his face then quickly grabbing his clothing "no.. no I'm sorry.. oh god what have I done.. I can't handle this… I can't do this again." he muttered as he yanked on the clothing. he gave another terrified look at Ivan, the large mauve eyes almost drawing him back in. he shook his head to clear it "I…. I need to leave. I need to think" he blurted and ran from the room.

as he descended the steps he yanked his shirt over his head knocking his glasses askew. he hurriedly fixed them as he raced to the front door. he grabbed his coat and keys on his way. his phone still sitting on the kitchen counter as he shut the door behind him.

Matthew walked to his truck, yanking open the door, climbing up into the drivers seat. he backed out of the driveway and took off down the road. he wasn't even sure where he was going, he just knew he needed to get away from the house. what the fuck was he doing?! he had gotten out. he was a week away! a week and he broke.

unwittingly he ended up at alfred's house. even before they had started to mess around again this is where he would go. The american was his best friend, and god right now he needed one. he slammed the door of his truck and took off up to the front door of the house.

he knocked unendingly until Alfred's irritated face appeared. "what the fuck Mattie? it's like 7am! on saturday!" but he stepped aside letting Matthew inside

"like you weren't fuckin up watching cartoons already?" he grumbled.

"fair point…. but what the hell are you doing here?"

Matthew let out an exasperated sigh and walked to the living room collapsing on the couch. his head went to his hands. "I'm a fucking moron!" he shouted. Al had followed him into the living room and was currently standing in confusion

"again, fair point… but if you could give me a bit more information…"

"I slept with him again. Papa mentioned that he might have someone else, I had the fucking nerve to get damn jealous, we fought, I got upset and he fucking tried to comfort me!" Matthew was on his feet, almost ramming into Alfred who had walked to sit next to him. he was pacing now "I mean what the fuck right?! when was the last time Ivan did anything to show any sort of caring to me? like a fuckin year now right?!"

Matthew was chewing on his nails. Alfred simply sat, blinking and watching the small blonde pace back and forth across his living room.

"then… well then he throws it in my face! I mean i guess i fuckin deserve it… but what the fuck did he expect?! ignore me and I'll just roll over and go on being invisible!? but fine whatever… then he tries to apologise! like no, you can't fucking take that back now!" Matthew laughed bitterly. "so I'm almost crying now because I'm a huge fucking baby, and I know I have to get the hell outta that room. so I run off to the guest bed I've been staying in. The one you fuckin passed out in the doorway to like 3 christmases ago remember?" he paused looking at Alfred for an answer as if it was important

"oh yeah i thin-"

"but then, does he just leave me to freak out like usual?! no. he's at the damn door and then he. comes. in. what!? then he's in front of me again asking me what's the matter. insisting I tell him. so I'm a huge fuckin wreck by this point and I tell him it's because I want him to love me. I mean obviously I'm mentally fucked right? I must be some sort of emotional Masochist…"

Matthew stops for a moment and alfred freezes unsure of weather he should nod or not "what happened after that?" he prompted.

Apparently it was all Matthew needed as he continued his rant. " well then he's all 'I never stopped Matthew' actually using my damn full name like some weapon for my god damn stupid heart. and it worked. I launched myself at him and he acted like he was the happiest fucking person in the world. Like… think you when I brought you three big macs and a chocolate shake at work for your birthday"

Alfreds eyebrows shot up.

"Then it just starts going with this huge emotional neediness, he's laying me down, crawling ontop of me and… " Matthew trails off. finally settling and sitting on a chair. his face painful. "he talked to me like he use to… it was like he was there again.. and… on one hand what if it's just another fucking cycle… so I'm right back here in two months… but what if it's real this time ya know? I just don't fucking know anymore" His head dropped back down into his hands and the canadian was finally silent.

Alfred waited to make sure he was really done this time. the silence stretched and a sigh broke the silence before he spoke, "well… uhmmm… I'm gonna grab some coffee, because I'm sure as fucking hell not awake enough to sift through this amount of shit yet… want some?" he stood and Matthew nodded. Alfred paused and put his hand on Matt's shoulder "don't worry dude… we'll figure something out okay?"

Again Matthew nodded this time muttering "thanks Al.."

Ivan sat in the bed in shock. what the hell just happened?! one second they were curled up together, both smiling and it felt so right…. and now… Ivan heard the front door slam. his heart plummeting. had he… had he scared him off?

Everything Ivan had been working to fight back rushed to the front of his mind eagerly. he had done it again… he clung to close and Matthew had taken off… first he pushed him away like Nat… and now like Kat… he really just couldn't get this right could he?!

Ivan rose from the bed, he walked hurriedly, moving towards downstairs… Maybe Matthew was just outside? or he had imagined the door.

but the living room was empty, so was the kitchen. he saw Matthews truck was gone when he had opened the front door. he sat at the kitchen counter and tried to organize his thoughts. his eyes glanced down when he caught something red in the corner of his eye. Matthew had left his cellphone, so calling him was out.

well.. at least that meant he'd be back, but… would he just be back to get his things and leave again? Ivan could only take so much. he stood and went to the cupboard above the fridge. he grabbed a bottle of vodka and was about to walk to the couch when the red cellphone buzzed. curiosity got the best of him. he picked it up, the text message displayed on the lock screen under the name Gilbert:

"hey Birdie, wanna meet up tonight? not pisse-" It cut off, the message too long to display in the preview.

Ivan's face fell… well, If Matthew came back to say goodbye again…he'd probably end up over there. there was no way Ivan could face that sober. hell.. If he could remember his own name by the time Matthew got home it was not from lack of trying. he took off the lid and brought the bottle to his lips drinking it straight.