Even though one of James' best friends had been a prefect for years, he had never set foot in the Prefects' bathroom – until now. He had stayed away from the bathroom on the principle that it was unfair that only the well-behaved and boring got to do their business in luxury. Upon becoming Head Boy, supposedly the most well-behaved and boring of them all, James had resisted the lure of the bathroom for three weeks. This week, however, the pressure of NEWTs had started to get to James and all he wanted was a nice long bath to forget about the year he had ahead of him.
"Squeaky clean," he said to the statue of Boris the Bewildered. As the door swung open, he tried to swallow his excitement. It wasn't normal for a seventeen year old boy to be excited for a bath, but three weeks of Head Boy duties and professors' speeches about how this year was the most important year of student's lives made James crave an hour of peace. If he was being honest, Lily had taken over most of the tasks delegated to the Heads, and he had spent most of the lectures talking to Sirius, but still… he felt the pressure anyway.
As he stepped through the door, James heard what sounded like a gasp, quickly followed by the flush of a toilet. He turned towards the row of toilet stalls on the left. Two of the doors were wide open, the third was locked.
James wasn't quite sure how this bathroom worked – it wasn't as if Dumbledore had given them a list of rules about the Prefects' bathroom along with instructions on how to handle crying first years – but he was fairly certain they were supposed to lock the door behind them. The giant bath was in full view of the door, after all.
James was still stood by the door after a few minutes passed and nobody emerged from the stall. He dropped his bag next to his feet and took a few steps forward. He strained his ears, but it was eerily silent, like the person inside the stall was holding their breath.
"Who's in there?" James called, not really knowing what to expect – some fifth year had probably eaten some dodgy chicken at dinner. He continued forward when they didn't answer. James was nothing if not persistent, and there was a niggling feeling that told him that this was more than a case of food poisoning. "I'm looking for just about any reason not to do my homework, and waiting out here is as good a reason as any."
A sniffle, followed by a deep, shaky breath. And then, "Lock the door. Please."
The voice was familiar, James would recognise it anywhere, but he had never heard it sound this empty before. He obeyed, saying the charm as he pointed his wand at the door he had come through minutes before. Performing the charm wordlessly would've been child's play to a seventh year charms student, especially one as talented as James, but he knew the occupant of the stall would want proof that their request had been adhered to.
"What's going on in there?" James moved to lean against the partition between the still locked stall and the adjacent one.
The occupant sighed. "Nothing." There was a pause and James heard the distinctive sound of a throat being cleared. "I would've asked you to leave, but we both know that's not going to happen."
"So you might as well tell me what's happening here."
"I can't." The voice was so quiet that James barely heard it even though he must have been less than a metre away from the source.
James ran a hand through his hair, thinking. "Alright then, why don't you just tell me why you told me to lock the door?"
A sigh. "James Potter, the psychiatrist. Obviously I forgot to lock it myself."
He had no problem hearing that.
"I see the sarcasm prevails whatever situation we have here. Well, actually, I don't see anything but a closed door. Open up."
James waited for a while to hear the voice again, and when he did, it sounded wobbly. "When toilet doors are locked, there's usually a reason."
"And your reason isn't that you're on the toilet."
"How do you know?"
James slid down the partition until he was sitting on the floor. "The toilet flushed five minutes ago, and you were crying."
"You're a genius." The usual force behind the comment wasn't there.
"Your scathing tone isn't going to make me drop this. You don't have to open the door. Just… are you sick?"
"No, no… not – not like that," came the voice from inside the stall, punctuated by sharp intakes of breath.
The quiet sobs that emanated from the stall caused James to raise his fist and bang on the door. "If you don't open this in five seconds, I will." His voice sounded a lot calmer than he felt.
A scrambling noise on the other side of the door resulted in the clunk of the lock being forced back. James didn't move as the door revealed Lily Evans. She was sat with her back against the side of the stall opposite to where James was sitting. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and one of her arms rested casually on the toilet seat, almost like it was often in that position. All of this, James could take in at once, but it was the look on her face that threw him the most. Tears stained her unusually pale cheeks and her eyes were trained upwards. She only blinked to let another tear escape.
"Lily…" Hearing her voice from behind a door was one thing, but the sight of her looking so defeated took any words out of his mouth.
She refused to look at him. "I swear to Merlin, James, if you tell anyone about this I'll kill you."
"We can discuss threats later," James said. He shuffled so he was sat in the stall with Lily, his back against the open door. He was taller than she was and the stall was rather narrow so his knees were almost under his chin. "After you tell me what's going on."
Closing her eyes, Lily let out a deep breath. "I don't, I mean, I can't – "
He raised his hand and stared at it for a few seconds before placing it on her knee. She jumped slightly at the contact, but didn't pull away or even open her eyes. "I know we're not exactly the best of friends, but I care about you a lot. You can tell me."
"What are you doing here, anyway?" she snapped. "You haven't used this bathroom once since the start of the year. Or ever."
He didn't ask how she knew that. "Don't try and change the subject. You were…" he stopped to check his thoughts and to check she didn't want to have another go at him. When she didn't move, he continued. "You were making yourself sick, weren't you?"
Her eyes popped open in shock. The look on her face told him all he needed to know.
After a while, it became clear she wasn't going to do anything besides stare at him. "Just nod or don't, I'll believe you whatever."
Like he knew she would, she nodded slowly. He squeezed her knee. "How did you know?" she whispered, breaking their eye contact.
"I'm a genius, remember?"
She forced a heavy breath out of her nose, which James took for a laugh.
"You can talk to me, Lily. I'm not judging you."
Her head shook vehemently. "I wouldn't even know where to begin."
James leaned forward, waiting until Lily looked at him to speak. "The beginning, maybe? When did you start doing it?"
"You realise that if I tell you any of this, you'll be the only person who's ever heard it?" Her eyes remained locked with his, and he saw an inkling of challenge in them, like the Lily he knew.
He smiled slightly. "I'm good with secrets."
Her expression was slightly intrigued, but mostly relieved. He wondered how long she'd been waiting for someone to talk to, or if she even knew that's what she wanted.
She tilted her head back until it rested on the wall of the stall. "There was this one day right before OWLs… I was so stressed, you know?"
As he nodded, he recalled a frantic Lily staying up to study in the Common Room after everyone else had gone to bed. Once, she'd even been sat there when James, Sirius and Peter had sneaked back into Gryffindor Tower on the night of a full moon.
"I just felt sick with worry, and there were all those rumours about Death Eaters, and I felt so out of control. And then I was suddenly right here in this stall puking my guts up. It wasn't intentional, but afterwards everything seemed to ease, so the next day I did it again, and the day after that, until it became a part of me."
He took his hand from his knee, and she sucked in a breath. She only released the air when he used the hand to hold one of hers. Their joined hands rested on the floor between them.
"What happened after OWLs?"
"It was better. Once a week, maybe? I've never been as bad as I was then. Well…"
She sighed.
"How often?" he asked. He wasn't sure how to ask, he just knew that he had to know, and that she had to let it out.
"Don't think less of me," she said, sounding resigned.
James laced their fingers together. "I could never," he told her firmly. "I've known you for nearly seven years, and honestly I've never respected you more than I have right now."
After he counted seven of her breaths, she spoke. "Every day since we came back. Nearly every other day since I got the letter."
"The letter?" he questioned. "You don't mean your Hogwarts letter? The one that said you're Head Girl?"
"That would be the one."
"Why? Didn't you want to be Head Girl?"
Lily shook her head slowly, a tear dripping down her face. James leaned forwards even more – his face was almost touching her shoulder – and used his free hand to wipe the tear.
"I wanted it so much. When I got the letter I was so happy, but when I thought about it more I felt sick to my stomach."
"You were the only person they could've chosen. You're the perfect Head Girl," he said with conviction whilst stroking her hand with his thumb.
"The girl with straight Os who never misses a deadline or allows dirty blood comments to get under her skin, the girl who stands up against the budding Death Eaters and tutors first years, that's the perfect Head Girl. Not the pathetic blubbering mess who spends obscene amounts of time sticking her fingers down her throat."
"Look at me, Lily." She raised her head and met his gaze. "You are not perfect. You don't have to be perfect to be the perfect Head Girl; you just have to be you."
Lily bit her lip. "I'm not good enough."
"You are," he insisted. "You have such high expectations of yourself, but you can't see how amazing you are, how intelligent, how brave. People look up to those who face adversity but come out stronger."
A smile played on her lips. "I'm glad I forgot to lock the door."
The laugh burst out of him unexpectedly. "I should've realised that's all the thanks I'd get from Lily Evans after forgoing my relaxing bath and spending half an hour with my arse fixed on mouldy tiles."
She moved so that she was sat next to him. He told himself that the lack of space between their shoulders was due to the size of the stall. "Thanks James, for listening." He put his arm around her and then her head was on his shoulder. He'd never noticed before how skinny she was, but now that he was touching her he could feel her bones even through her robes.
"I'm always here for you – didn't you know we're a team?"
"I did, I just never knew you did."
James tightened his grip around her shoulders for a moment. "Can I be serious for a second?"
"It'll make me really uncomfortable if you morph into Sirius for any amount of time but go ahead."
He smiled. "Like I haven't heard some variation on that about a million times… Will you promise me you'll talk to someone else about it? Someone who can actually help?"
"Right now? Probably not. But soon, yeah, I can do that, I think. I can just imagine the look on McGonagall's face…"
"She'd do anything to help, especially her favourite student."
"Are you sure you don't mean yourself?"
"I think the woman loves us both equally. Both Heads in Gryffindor – we're lucky she hasn't tried to put up banners with our faces on."
Lily laughed. It was quiet, but it was genuine. There were a few moments of silence which James didn't fill as he had the distinct feeling she was going to.
She lifted her head off his shoulder and turned to face him. "When I found out you were Head Boy, I thought Dumbledore must've lost it… but he knew what he was doing, after all."
James was torn between smiling and laughing and crying. Instead, he kissed Lily on the cheek. "You're not the first person to doubt me, but you're the first to admit you were wrong."
Some of the colour had returned to Lily's cheeks. "Everyone else will too, when they see how much you've changed."
A grin stretched across James' face. "Quite a pair, aren't we?"
Lily rested her head back on James' shoulder. "The most dysfunctional Head team Hogwarts has ever seen."
"But we're gonna be the best," he said confidently.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because we're going to get the best grades we can, target this budding Death Eater nonsense and as soon as we get out of here we're going to take our fight to the real Death Eaters until the country is safe for everyone."
When she spoke, Lily's tone was surprised. "That's what you want to do, too?"
"I might be James Potter," he said, affronted. "But that doesn't mean I don't want good grades."
"No, I meant fighting. Against You-Know-Who."
He raised his eyebrows, even though she couldn't see his face. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"
"You're a pure blood," she said simply, as if that explained everything.
"So?"
"It's not your fight."
He huffed out a laugh. "When have you ever seen James Potter run away from a fight?"
"Last week," she whispered.
"Last week?" he repeated, confused.
"I saw Snape and Mulciber gang up on you and you just… walked away."
He groaned. "I don't think anybody saw that."
"Trust me, if anyone else saw it they wouldn't have believed their eyes."
"Tell anyone and I'll kill you."
"Back to threats now, are we?" Lily's voice sounded more like how it did when she usually talked to him: with a hint of bite. "You keep my secret and I won't tell anyone that you're turning into a great man."
James rested his cheek on top of Lily's head. "Deal. I wouldn't want that little scrap of information to become public; I have a reputation to uphold."
Her hair smelled like apples. "So," she began. "Why else would you join a fight that isn't yours?"
"It is my fight," he assured her. If his words were slightly garbled by his cheek pressing into her hair, she didn't seem to notice. "I don't want to live in a world where people are condemned for their blood."
They were silent for a while, their breaths synchronised.
"I'm sorry for keeping you from your relaxing bath."
"This apologetic Lily Evans is starting to freak me out." He stood up as she laughed. When he offered her his hand, she took it and allowed him to pull her up.
"Okay, I get the hint," she said as she moved towards the sinks. "I'll go now."
He watched as she washed her hands and splashed water over her face. Glancing at him quickly, she reached behind the pipes under the sink and produced a bottle of mouthwash, which she promptly took a swig of before replacing in its hiding place. The routine pierced James' heart. When she was done, she looked like she always did, and it suddenly hit him how many times he must have seen her seconds after another moment just like this.
He shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I was going to drag you down to the kitchen with me for a hot chocolate, and then beg you to help me with that Charms essay."
She gasped and whirled to face him. "I forgot all about that!"
He could almost feel the panic rising inside of her. In a second, he was across the room and his arms were around her. "We'll do it together," he promised.
Her arms snaked around his waist. She took two deep breaths before she pulled back and straightened her robes. "Together," she repeated. "After that hot chocolate?"
Instead of answering her, he caught her hand in his and pulled her towards the door.
"Wait," she said before they reached the exit. He looked back at her. She was biting her lip and he waited for her next words. "When we leave this bathroom, don't talk about this, please."
"Lily, I really think you should…"
With her free hand, she lightly punched his arm. "Let me finish, Potter."
He grinned.
"Can you," she cleared her throat. "Can you meet me in here tomorrow? I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know your being here will make it better."
"As long as you promise to explain to me what the hell Slughorn was blathering on about in Potions today."
James flicked his wand towards the door, causing it to open. They stepped out into the empty corridor, hands still joined. When she didn't pull her hand out of his even though they were beyond the threshold of the bathroom, he looked at her in surprise. Her eyes flicked down to their interlinked fingers before she looked up at him, a smile on her face.
"It's really not that difficult, you just have to add the lacewing flies before the boomslang skin so that the toad eyes have time to simmer before you reduce the heat." She rattled off the information quickly and professionally, her assured voice betraying nothing.
He had gone into the Prefects' bathroom with the intention of forgetting about the year ahead, but now he found himself looking forward to it and the challenges it would bring; he had an unshakeable feeling that he was going to be spending a lot of time with Lily Evans over the coming year.
A/N: this was quite difficult to write, leave your thoughts in a review!