Lies of Love and Loathing

Ch. 6 Just a Dream

Hinata POV

"Hinata Huga, I love you." Naruto's words keeping replaying in my head. I can't count how many times I've dreamed of hearing those words and now that I have, I can't believe I. Nearly all my life I've wondered what it would be like for him to say that to me and it feels like my head is spinning.

Right now I'm glad he left, that way he won't see the school girl smile that keeps gracing me with its presence no matter how hard I try to keep it at bay. "Ah, Lady Hinata, I see your awake," I hear from the doorway. When I look I see a nurse walking towards me with a warm smile on her face. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine thank you," I say ignoring the pain that's slowly intensifying as the medication wears off.

"How's your head feeling?" she asks as she changes my IV bag.

I lift my hand to the spot where I feel the most pain and gently feel over the bandages. "Um, alright. It's a little sore, but nothing too bad." That's a lie. My head is actually beginning to throb but she doesn't need to know that.

"Well, I'm going to give you some medicine and that should help ease the pain," she explains happily. Before I can protest, she's injecting something into my IV and soon after I'm slipping back into unconsciousness.

Naruto and I are sitting beneath a tree. His head resting in my lap as his soft snores fill the air. There's just the slightest breeze as the sun overhead lights up everything it touches. My fingers find their way to his hair, and absently running through it as I stare off in the distance. Nothing could be better than this.

Spending the day with the man I love. It's everything I could ever want. "Hinata," I hear from the boy in my lap.

I smile as I look down and see his eyes wide open with that heartbreaking grin on his face. "Hi, did you have a good nap?" I ask, my fingers grazing his cheeks.

He stretches for a moment that the same smirk still on his face. "Yeah," he mutters, settling once more on my lap. His hand reaches up but instead of placing it on my face as I had expected, he grabs the back of my head and pulls it down until our faces are inches apart. I close my eyes and prepare for a kiss, however the kiss I receive is not on my lips but on the end of my nose.

A small giggle bubbles out of me as I pull away. When I look into his eyes they're filled with amusement and something that looks like admiration. "Hey get back here," he laughs, puling my face back to him. This time our lips actually touch and it's like fire coursing through my body.

A low beeping noise begins to stir me, forcing my eyes to open. I'm no longer sitting outside with Naruto, I'm back in the hospital. It was just a dream. I think sadly. I take another glance at my surroundings and this time I see that Naruto's head is lying on my upper thighs, his back moving up and down in a deep steady way with his hand in mine. It's almost like my dream. I think as I chuckle lightly.

Very carefully, I allow my other hand to gently smooth down the hair on his head. The small movement causes his body to twitch and jerk his head upward to meet my gaze. "Hinata, you're awake," he mumbles, his voice heavy and hoarse with sleep. He drops my hand for a moment as he stretches and rubs his sleepy eyes, then when he's done with that he takes hold of my left hand once again. "How are you feeling?" he yawns out.

The lightest of smiles emerges on my face at his concern. "I'm alright," I say softly. "What about you? You look so tired." I take note of the dark circles under his eyes.

"I'm fine," he assures me despite the exhaustion in his voice.

My heart softens, yes at the same time squeezes at his determination to stay by my side even though it's clear he hasn't gotten any real sleep in days. I know he hasn't allowed his body to get any actual sleep in days since the battle took place for over three days -and he was in the field for every single one of them- and then there's the hazy memories I recall of him staying beside me in the hospital for the two I've been in here. "Naruto you should have stayed home to rest."

That statement seemed to bring him to something, I don't know what it is but the look on his face makes me feel as though I should explain. "It's that I'm not happy to have you here but you really should have gotten sleep."

"I'm a ninja," he exclaims with his signature smile on his face, although that smile is deluded with sleep deprivation. "We're supposed to be able to endure weeks without sleep."

Although I know he's exaggerating, the meaning behind it is the same. "Naruto," I say with a half scolding tone in my voice. "Just because we're conditioned to go without sleep doesn't mean you should," I lecture. "Especially when the situation doesn't call for it."

There's a look on his face that I can't quite decipher. "But the situation does call for it," he murmurs so quietly I almost don't hear it. "I have to make sure you're okay."

I feel a ping of both guilt and slight disappointment with his statement. Guilt, because he's not allow himself to sleep because of me and disappointment because I know he wants to make sure all of his comrades are going to be alright. "Naruto, the doctors say I'll be fine," I tell him, ignoring the petty little girl inside of me who is only thinking of her love life (or lack of one.)

He rolls his eyes and sighs before looking back to me again. "Yeah, yeah. I heard what Grandma Tsunade and the rest of the doctors said , but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna stop worrying about you."

I can't stop the smile from coming onto my face. "Thank you," I murmur quietly.

There's a strange look on his face before he sighs heavily. "Hinata," he breathes out. "There's something we have to talk about."

Those seven words have the power to make my heart jump while at the same time send it plummeting into my stomach. "Oh okay," I mutter pulling my hand from his and twining my fingers together nervously.

There's a small hint of a disappointed look on his face as he looks into my eyes. "Hinata," he starts off quietly. "About what I said before I left." He stops for a briefly with a mournful look on his face.

"Don't worry, I understand," I mumble feeling my heart sink deep in my chest as I avert my eyes away from his. He regrets what he said. I think, feeling a sadness I've never felt before. I knew this could never be true. It was a bittersweet fantasy that he momentarily played along with, but every fantasy must find its end.

"You understand what, Hinata?" he asks making me glance at him ever so quickly.

On his face I can see the deep confusion in his features. "You were exhausted and had been by my bedside for days. You were worried about whether or not I was going to live and relieved when you found out I was," I explain, my eyes never leaving my hands.

"Well yeah, that true but I don't see what that has to do wi-"

"We were in a moment," I say interrupting him. "And when people are caught in a moment they say things they don't mean." I can feel the tears trying to brim my eyes as I prepare myself to continue but I won't allow them to fall. "That's all it was Naruto." My voice is cracking and I have to clear my throat to push away the tightening in it. "Just a moment A tender moment that you were made victim of. You were caught up in the mixture of anxiety and relief and that led you to say things you didn't mean."

One tear escapes my eyes against my will and I quickly wipe it away. "Hinata, that's not what happened," Naruto says grabbing my left hand before I can reunite it with my right.

I chuckle softly and without humor. "It's alright Naruto. I understand completely and I'm not upset with you." My voice is thick with the sob threatening to break loose but I manage to keep it contained. "You regret saying that you love me." It's getting harder and harder to speak but I know I have to finish otherwise I never will. "You're wishing you never said those words to me and want to be able to take them back. I get it Naruto, truly I do. You don't have to worry, I won't hold this against you."

"Hinata," he says his voice soft as a feather, with a tone that's trying to persuade me to look at him. "Hinata, look at me," he says when my eyes stay focused on my right hand. The hand that's not holding mine places itself on my right cheek and carefully nudges it trying to get me to look. "Please Hinata, look at me."

Naruto's POV

I can't believe she actually thinks I didn't mean it, that I regret what I said to her. Why is it so hard for her to believe that I love her? "Hinata, please," I plead, trying to get her to turn her head without being forceful or accidentally hurting her. "I need you to look at me." It takes her a few moments before she brings herself to look at me and the pain I see in her eyes hits something in the very core of me . Her unshed tears make me want to wind her in my arms and never let her go.

I try to fight the desire my mind and body are urging me towards but the battle was pretty much lost before it's even begun. I wrap my arms around her shoulders, holding her against my chest with my right hand cupping the back of her head. "Oh Hinata," I whisper. "I don't regret anything." I pull away but grasp her face in both my hands so she can't look away. "What I said wasn't because I was 'victim'," I spit out the ridiculous word she has used before, like I could be a victim, "of some moment. Yes I was for a while, and was terrified you weren't going to make it. And yes, I can't begin to explain how relieved I was when you finally woke up, but that wasn't the reason I told you I love you ."

I can see her breathing catch at my words. "The reason I told you I love you is because it's true." This comes out sounding more harsh and forceful than I had intended, but I need for her to believe me. She has to understand that what I'm telling her is the truth. "Hinata, feelings for you go beyond friendship and I wish it hadn't taken you almost dying for me to accept it."

There's a strangled sound that comes out of her that sounds like a mixture of a groan and a sob, as she tightly shuts her eyes and I have no idea what it means. "Oh Naruto," she cries out so quietly I almost don't hear it. She opens those beautiful lavender eyes to me and the tears she was fighting so hard to keep at bay are rolling down her face. "That feeling is fleeting." I open my mouth to protest, but she's speaking again before I can get anything out. "You were scared I wasn't going to make it and now you're overwhelmed with emotion. You think you love me because I almost died, but once everything goes back to normal I promise that feeling will fade."

Her telling me how I feel starts to anger me but then a new thought dawns on me, making me to drop my hands to my sides. "Is that what happened for you?" I ask numbly, my mouth saying the words before my brain gives the order. A big part me wants to take it back -afraid of what the answer might be- but an even bigger part of me knows that I need to know the truth.

Her eyebrows pull together for a moment. "Wh-what? What do you mean?" she asks uncertainly.

I take a deep breath before I elaborate. "When you were defending me against Pain, you said you loved me." I can see the recollection in her eyes before I continue. "Were you only saying that because you thought I could die? When everything turned out alright and we were back in the village, did those feelings go away when everything went back to normal?" Now that it's out there that anxious feeling from before returns as I await her answer.

Hinata's eyes widen and her mouth pops open slightly before a rare look of unwavering resolve plants itself firmly on her face. "No," she says without any trace of uncertainty. "Naruto, my feelings for you have never changed. When I told you I loved you it wasn't because of any fear of you dying, it was because I meant it." Right now her voice is stronger and more determined than it's been since she's been in the hospital. "I have always loved you Naruto, ever since that day you came to my rescue when we were kids and those boys were bullying me. You were so brave and fearless. You are brave and fearless. You've always been so strong and you've made me want to become stronger as well. You have never given up and always push people to follow suit. You are kind, fierce and never let the people you make promises to. You're funny and unorthodox and have never been afraid to be yourself. That is why I said I love you not because of some fleeting moment of terror."

Her declaration leaves me stunned silent for a moment. "Hinata," I say finally finding my voice once more. "How can you say that me telling you 'I love you' is different than you telling me you love me?"

She sighs heavily. "Because you are only now feeling this way. I've loved you my whole life.

"And I've loved you since the day you tried to free me from Pain, maybe even before that," I blurt out loudly. "I just couldn't realize, or couldn't accept it then."

She bites her bottom lip, looking as though she's suppressing a sob, before saying anything. "Naruto, as much as I have wished for you to love me back -to the words which you are saying to me now- I can't allow myself to even consider it."

"Why not?" I ask in an almost pleading tone.

"Because if I let myself believe that you could actually love and you realize that you really don't, that this was all just in the heat of the moment, I don't know if I could handle that."

Fresh tears brim her eyes and it breaks my heart to see them. "Hinata, I promise you, this isn't a heat of the moment kind of thing. I love you."

How can you be sure?"

I want to say something profound and meaningful, yet that's not what comes out of my mouth. "I don't know, I just am," is what I say instead. Way to sound like a caveman. I think chiding myself. What happened to that speech I gave earlier? As cheesy as it's still better than "I don't know I just do." The look on her face tells me that she's not impressed with that answer either. "Look Hinata, I'm not the best when it comes to fancy words and elegant speeches, but I always say what I mean. And when I know something, I know it and there's nothing you -or anyone else- can do or say to change my mind."

"Like with Sakura Haruno?" Now her voice is calm and the tears sliding down her cheek are now dry. She doesn't give me time to respond or even think about she said before she start talking again. "You've liked her since the Ninja Academy. Are you going to tell me that those feeling went away over night? That you, as you put it, changed your mind?"

"Hinata, I say my voice baffled. "My feelings for Sakura were just a crush."

"And that's what people said about my feelings for you. That all it was, was simple crush. But it isn't, those feelings are still there for me. Can you really say that it's not the same for you with Sakura?"

I shake my head lightly as I try to process what she's saying. "Sakura wanted me to be Sasuke for her. I don't want to be a substitute for her because she can't have to man she wants."

Her bottom lip quivers as she takes a deep breath. "And I don't want to a replacement because you can't have her."