It's a night when all of them, plus a few friends, are at the tower and everyone is having a good time. There is mead and beer and hard liquor. There is candy and popcorn and fruit and various cheeses. They have watched two old black and white horror films and have tried and failed at playing a game of Monopoly. And none of them are even close to feeling the need to retire for the night.
It's the first time in a long time since they have all been together and it's not because of the world ending or someone has needed help with the baddie of the month. They are all there because they want to be and it feels good that they have all gained this weird, unbelievable, and beautiful family.
"Okay, alright," Tony says, holding up his hands as he smiles and pauses everyone's overlapping voices as they try and figure out what they should do next.
Bucky looks up at him, some of his hair covering his eyes due to falling out of his bun. He's been having more good days than bad lately and he's actually laughed out loud a few times tonight; at Tony and Natasha's back and forth heartfelt insults that are actually like watching a brother and sister go at it, and at Clint's quick witticisms in response to Tony's sarcasm.
He feels better when he's around everyone and not alone, wallowing in self-hate and exhaustion.
He's sitting with Steve and Natasha on his left and across the coffee table from Bruce, Tony, and Clint. And Sam is in the chair to his right with Rhodey, with Thor taking up a whole chair across the coffee table from them.
He watches as Tony stands, dislodging Clint's hand where it was comfortably and naturally gripping the inside of his thigh. "How about we play 'Worthy or Not Worthy'?" Tony says with enthusiasm while everyone groans and Thor lets out a boisterous laugh.
"Again man?" Rhodey sighs, though he's smiling from where he's lounging next to Sam.
"Yes! Come on, it'll be fun, there's more people to try it now!"
The billionaire genius looks over at Thor with what Bucky believes are what people these days call puppy eyes and the large, beautiful god just rolls his eyes and gives him an upturn of his mouth.
"So be it." Thor says. "I will indulge you, since I do enjoy such amusement."
Thor gets up and looks around the room.
"What's going on?" Bucky asks Steve quietly, so quiet that the other supersoldier is probably the only person that hears him speak.
"Tony wants to see if anyone can lift Thor's hammer." Steve explains with an amused sideways smile. "The last time we played it, I could only budge it about a centimeter off the table."
Thor then promptly comes back and sets said hammer on the unbelievably strong industrial glass table, between Bucky and Clint, pointed towards Sam and Rhodey; at a slight angle so it's propped halfway on the wood board that's holding the cheese platter, the seemingly sooth leather handle sticking out in order to grasp fully.
"And Steven is the only person in a millennia other than thyself and the Allfather that has ever been able to move her. Even something as small as your Migardian form of measurement." Thor relays, giving Steve a slight nod in respect before going back to his seat.
Steve nods too and tips his beer to him as well. Bucky and Steve can't really get drunk because of the serum, but that doesn't stop them from trying and Bucky actually likes the taste of hard liquor- vodka especially, which is what he's drinking currently.
"Hell, I'm game." Sam grins, winking at him when he looks over at him.
"Alright!" Tony claps happily. "Rhodey, darling you ready to give it another go?"
"Yeah, whatever." Rhodey waves him off with an exasperated smile as he stands.
"I'll go first." Tony says, rubbing his hands together and reaching out but then turning back around and bending towards Clint. "Kiss me for luck, Legolas?"
Clint rolls his eyes as he smiles but then pulls Tony forward by the front of his Metallica shirt and kisses him full on the mouth, nice and slow and deliberate. Nat wolf whistles and Sam and Rhodey join in while the rest of them just grin and look away or watch without shame.
Tony hums as he pulls back; probably grinning like the cat that caught the canary, though Bucky can't really tell from where he's sitting.
"Thanks baby." Tony whispers, though Bucky heard it and Steve most likely did too considering the small smile on his face. And Clint's smile is soft and overly fond as he lets Tony go and leans back in his seat.
"Anytime." Clint says and Tony's grin is smug and happy when he turns back to the hammer.
The tinker pops his fingers before taking ahold of the handle and bending his knees before tugging. And then he tugs some more. And then he grips the leather strap on the bottom of the handle and leans back with all his weight, basically in Clint's lap but the hammer doesn't budge.
He loses his grip and Clint catches him with a laugh and the others, including Tony, laugh too.
"Damn." Tony chuckles. "Maybe next year."
Clint slides up the couch behind him and sits on the back of the sofa in order to pull Tony between his thighs and wrap his legs around him as well as his arms, and then he hooks his chin in the crook of Tony's neck and kisses the back of his jaw. And they stay that way, cuddled together and seeming so ridiculously happy and unguarded in showing their love and affection to each other.
Bucky can't help but envy them, wishing he had that but also knowing that with how fucked up he is, he's not quite ready for it. It would be nice if he had someone else besides Steve to lean on once in a while though. Someone that cared about him in a way that could one day lead to a love like Tony and Clint's. Or even like Steve and Natasha's which is more private but just as strong.
He mentally shakes his head and takes another drink from his tumbler as Rhodey gives the hammer a try.
It doesn't budge, but he just shrugs it off instead of trying it again and again like Tony did.
Then Sam hops up and makes a show of stretching much to everyone's amusement.
"What? I don't want to pull something, you know?" He laughs and then he attempts to lift the hammer but ends up with the same results. But he bows after with a flourish and tells Bruce to give it a try.
The doctor tries to beg off but then Tony kicks him and he begrudgingly gets up and walks over to it.
"This is ridiculous." He says and he grasps it barely and gives it a slight pull. "See?" He says as he kicks Tony back before sitting down.
"You didn't even try." The genius states but Bruce just shrugs and steals one of Tony's blue Air Heads off the table much to the man's astonishment.
"Clint! Bruce stole a blue one! That's like provoking a war Banner." Tony says sternly with a serious glare.
Bruce promptly chews then sticks his bluing tongue out at Tony with a laugh.
Tony then snaps his teeth at him and bends forward, Clint moving along with him as he snatches Bruce's bowl of salted caramels in retaliation.
Bruce's eyes widen comically as he continues chewing on the Air Head and Tony shoves a couple of caramels into his mouth without breaking eye contact with Bruce.
Everyone then chooses to ignore the oldest (save for Steve and Bucky and Thor of course), yet most childish of them all as they continue on with the game.
Clint shakes his head when Sam asks him if he's going to try and no one, not even Tony tries to change his mind. Most likely due to the fact that the last time Clint came into contact with an alien weapon, he was brainwashed and Clint doesn't want any chance of a repeat occurrence.
Clint tells Nat to have a go and she shakes her head. "I don't need that question answered." She smirks.
"You said that last time." Steve smiles over at her and she raises a trimmed brow at him.
"And it's still true."
Steve shakes his head as he stands and sets his beer on the table. He then takes hold of the hammer with both hands and everyone watches more intently than ever before as Steve tugs on the handle.
The ancient weapon gives, just a sliver, just like last time Bucky supposes, and then it stays right where it is- undeterred.
Thor's eyes are a little wide and impressed when Bucky looks over at him but then once Steve sits down, they seem relieved. And Bucky's guessing that the god would be relieved in knowing that he's the only one worthy of being the leader of the Asgardian race and all the power that comes with it.
Still, if Steve isn't worthy, then Bucky sure as shit isn't. No one would be more worthy than him.
Bucky sits back in his seat and takes another drink though Steve nudges his side.
"It's your turn Buck." He says and everyone looks at him. No assumptions, no judgment, just encouragement. Something Bucky hasn't felt so deep since his days with the Howling Commandoes.
"Nah." He shakes his head. "Why bother? If Captain America isn't worthy, then I'm most definitely not."
Steve sighs, exasperated and stubborn like when they were kids. "Don't be stupid. Just give it a try. Besides, I'd have never been Cap if it wasn't for you."
Bucky shakes his head in disbelief but then he looks at Thor's encouraging smile from off to the side and Bucky steels himself before looking at the hammer.
"Fine." He grumbles as he stands and sets his tumbler down.
His cybernetic arm whirs and flexes as he moves it and decides that if he had any chance at lifting the fucking thing it would be with his indestructible arm. He steps up and looks at Thor as he grabs the handle, the god's eyes soft and with a sparkle to them.
His last thought, as he tugs on the handle, is how inhumanly beautiful those eyes are.
The hammer, Mjolnir, moves; scraping loud and rough against the glass tabletop, leaving deep and lengthy scratches in her wake.
Bucky's eyes widen in shock as do Thor's and Bucky promptly lets go and backs away, almost tumbling into Rhodey and Sam's laps.
Everyone is shocked into silence, some gasping, and Tony choking on a caramel- Clint gives him a solid whack on the back without thought and the genius spits it out.
"Holy shit." Tony gasps.
"Buck." Steve whispers and Bucky looks over at him, completely stunned. "Buck, try moving it with your other hand."
Bucky goes to shake his head, frantically, and quite frankly, a bit terrified of what the result may be.
"No fucking way." Bucky breathes resolutely. Until, that is, he looks over at Thor who looks so shocked that his face is going pale but his eyes are boring into Bucky's. Then the god gives a nod, like he needs Bucky to try, wants him to try.
So Bucky swallows thickly before stepping towards the table. His hand does not shake as he reaches out- it does not. And he takes hold of the handle, now a lot closer to the table's edge than before.
The hammer lifts off the table with ease; much lighter than it looks but still heavy, solid in his hand like every weapon he has ever held. But also unlike any weapon he has ever beheld. It's like a current surging through his body, starting at his fingertips and ending at his toes then flowing all over again and encompassing him completely.
The hair on his body rises like goosebumps and even his cybernetic arm whirs and the plates realign as if they are trying to breathe.
Bucky is trying to breathe so he doesn't freak the fuck out and give himself a goddamn panic attack.
"Holy shit." Clint says, in much the same manner as his lover did a few moments before and everyone nods in silent agreement.
"Wait, does this mean that Bucky can rule Asgard now?" Tony asks.
"That's not the only thing James is worthy of." Thor says. His voice the softest Bucky has ever heard it before, which makes him look up from staring at the hammer in his hand in order to gaze at Thor.
"What could I possibly be worthy of?" Bucky asks, really wanting to know and refusing to acknowledge how self-depreciating and small his voice sounded.
Thor's eyes are once again soft and sparkling and unearthly beautiful and his mouth turns up at the side- his actual, genuine smile showing.
"Me." He breathes.
Bucky swallows, his arm going slack and Mjolnir falling to hang by his right knee. Thor is being completely and sincerely serious, and Bucky knows because Thor's facial expressions- especially his eyes- are easier to read than an open book.
"What?" Bucky whispers; dumbfounded and so completely and sincerely speechless.
Thor gets up from his seat and walks around the coffee table; Bruce and Tony turning in their seats so their legs are bent and tangled together on the couch so they are out of Thor's way. And everyone stays where they are, either not wanting to miss what's going to happen or thinking that they shouldn't move otherwise they would disturb the intense moment somehow.
Thor comes to stand only an arm's length away from him and Bucky has to look up slightly; being that Thor has a handful of inches on him. And Thor's eyes gaze down into his, like starlight meeting steel.
"My father was not the only one to bless Mjolnir." Thor says. "My mother, Frigga, she blessed Mjolnir when I was a boy. My mother made it so whoever was the most worthy, yet the least willing or envious of its power, be truly befitting of the heart of the wielder- Me."
Thor reaches out to him; his movements slow in case Bucky decides to move away. But Bucky stays where he is, still frozen on the spot with his arms slack at his sides though his grip on the alien weapon is secure. As if he can't let it go. He doesn't think he wants too either.
Thor gazes down at him with a hopeful softness, his celestial blue eyes ethereal and almost blinding in their brilliance. Bucky has always thought them beautiful, has always thought Thor beautiful. But having him this close, having his large, strong yet gentle and warm hand clasping his flesh forearm and then having it slide down slowly until it's surrounding his hold on the hammer- it makes Bucky realize something. Like it finally hits him, slowly, and then all at once that Thor has been looking back all this time and that the god might be thinking the same things as him.
"James." Thor exhales, like he's glad to finally be able to breathe his name so closely and so reverently. "You are worthy. Of not just me or Asgard, but you are worthy of happiness too. It pains me to hear how you speak of yourself in such a loathsome way at times. Like you don't believe you are deserving of anything other than the punishment you inflict upon yourself because of the things in your past that you had no control over."
Thor brings his other hand up slowly and it comes to rest against Bucky's jaw, his thumb stroking softly along Bucky's cheek. And Bucky may lean into the contact as he struggles not to become emotional.
"You are worthy." Thor whispers fiercely, desperately, wanting Bucky to believe it.
Bucky swallows, feeling as if there's a great weight settling on his shoulders and it's trying to crush him. And he suddenly- though not so suddenly ever since Thor stepped closer- can't breathe. He can't breathe and he's shaking.
He backs away, steps off the platform that is the lounge area backwards, as he sucks in gasps that aren't really coming. He feels like he always does during a panic attack, like the walls are closing in and the room is blurring out in front of him, turning white- like frost against a windowpane.
He hears muffled, urgent, and concerned voices in the back of his head but he can't concentrate on them.
His back hits something and he realizes that it's the bar when he slides down to the floor and leans against it, pulling his legs into himself to become smaller; to try and be invisible, a ghost, like he once used to be. He ignores everything else around him, trusting Steve to keep the others back since he knows to just let Bucky alone when this happens and to never attempt to touch him.
He goes to cover his face with his hand but realizes that he's still holding Thor's hammer. He almost throws it away, knowing that it is wrong- that Mjolnir is wrong. He can't be worthy, he can't even fucking breathe right anymore. But he can't bring himself to let it go. Instead, he cradles it against his chest as he heaves in and out and rests his forehead against his knees as he squeezes his eyes shut.
The hammer seems to pulse in his hands and he thinks he hears a crack of lighting through his gasping breaths, followed by rain hitting against the roof and glass walls around them. He doesn't know if it's his doing or Thor's or if Mjolnir really does have a mind of her own and the hammer is doing it by itself, like it's trying to make Bucky rethink his thoughts about it being wrong somehow.
Now he knows he has really lost it; thinking that a hammer is trying to chastise him is exactly what a crazy person would think. Hell, even a crazy person probably wouldn't think that.
He shakes his head against his knees and uses his metal fingers to pinch the skin of his flesh forearm, trying to get his mind off of breathing by inducing pain. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, like right now; the situation being too severe for his mind to just clear and calm itself.
He senses, more than hears a presence move to the left of him and he curls in on himself even more and moves away; clutching the hammer tightly as it pulses against his heaving chest.
"-ucky, come on. You can do this." A voice says, though it's muffled slightly because of the ringing in his ears. And he just knows its Steve, knows that the idiot will always be there for him even when he's losing it and could possibly lash out and hurt him like he has done so before. "Just breathe and listen to Thor. He's gonna read you your favorite, okay? And we're right here. You're safe and no one is going to touch you."
Bucky doesn't move or make to acknowledge that he heard him, he just tries to breathe and keep his ears open, trying to focus on Thor's voice.
It's a calm, soothing, sweet, velvet-like voice full of care and patience and Bucky feels unworthy of it. He feels unworthy of everything that is good and kind and beautiful; feels unworthy of Thor. But it's that voice that pulls him out of his panic; pulls the weight off his shoulders and breathes the air back into his lungs.
"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort. …"
Thor is on his right, not touching him, though Bucky can feel his warmth radiating close to him. He focuses on every word Thor reads and on the eloquence in which he speaks each syllable. He focuses only on the god's voice and nothing else, not on the soft sounds from the others across the room or on Steve's calming and resolute presence close to them.
Bucky just breathes and listens to Thor read his favorite book while he clutches Thor's hammer like a lifeline.
It's a while after he can relax, but when he does- albeit slowly and drawn out- he turns his head on his knee so he's facing Thor; his cheek pressed against his leg and his eyes still shut, though he's breathing and he's calmer.
And Thor reads on. He just reads and reads and everyone is silent in order to hear him and probably watch them both as time passes. And Bucky cherishes the marvel that is Thor when the man does voices for the characters without pause and then later tries to sound melodic as he recites the song lyrics, seeming to truly become enthralled in his reading of The Hobbit.
It makes Bucky finally open his eyes in order to look upon the wonder that is Thor, God of Thunder and Heir of Asgard.
He looks as he did before: long sleeved red henley with the sleeves shoved to his elbows, dark jeans that fit snuggly though look unrestrictive, and his hair falling over his shoulders with some of it pulled back into braids that are tied together at the back of his head. He's on the floor, leaning against the bar with one leg bent at the knee as to prop the tablet against it and the other is extended straight out and it's only a foot away from Bucky. He aches to reach out and touch him, though he doesn't; just lets him read on to the end of the chapter.
"Thank you." Bucky says- exhales really- wanting to thank him for more than just reading. Wanting to thank him for saying what he said even though Bucky went into a panic attack. His voice is raw and far too quiet, though Thor hears him anyway, looking over at him with overly kind and understanding eyes and a small smile.
"My pleasure." Thor replies softly, his left hand flexing on his thigh as if he's keeping himself from reaching out.
Bucky takes a breath, and sniffs before steeling himself and sliding himself a little closer; letting his legs extend next to Thor's and setting Mjolnir in his lap- she is not heavy and unmovable on him like she would be on anyone else and Thor notices with a pleased smile before looking back up at him. Bucky manages an upturn on the side of his mouth and it makes Thor's eyes light up as if he's proud of himself for making Bucky smile, even when it's minuscule and easily missed by anyone else.
Bucky slowly yet determinedly reaches out with his flesh and bone hand and sets it over Thor's, feeling tingles and warmth rush through him on contact. Thor's hand turns in his and their fingers lace together, palms fitting even though Thor's hand is a little bigger.
He looks down at their hands for a moment, liking how nice it feels having Thor's hand in his, on Thor's strong thigh. It's like his hand was always supposed to have been there, like that's where its home is- laced with Thor's and holding on.
He looks back up at Thor and Thor is still looking down at him, eyes sparkling and smile soft.
"Would you like for me to read on?" He asks and Bucky nods, moving a little closer as to lean against Thor's shoulder.
And so Thor does; everything and everyone else fading into the background as if it's just the two of them in their own little world. Thor reads on, and Bucky listens to the beautifully soothing and eloquent voice until he's fading into an easy slumber with his head resting on the god's shoulder.