Chapter 3

Kakashi knew Gai ended up in the hospital. He could still feel his arm shaking, his fist curled as he tried to take a deep breath and relax. He got up, opening the cupboard full of the liquor his father had left behind over ten years ago. So he was going down the same track as his father now, was he? Great. Maybe he should have warned somebody to come and check for a body if they hadn't seen him for a couple of days; he didn't have a son who'd come home to find it.

He opened the bottle, pulled down his mask and drank; he'd do anything to stop the shaking. He threw the bottle across the counter, ignoring the shattered ceramic as he sat down on his bed and tried to calm down. Deep breaths seemed all but futile, trying to restore some sort of control and order in his disorganised and pointless world.

He heard knocking. He looked up, head still in his hands as he willed them to go away. "Kakashi-kun!"

Kakashi cursed under his breath. Not Meino. Anyone but Meino. She'd tear him apart, forcing him into the hospital to be sedated or something. Well, the sedation part didn't sound half-bad but the hospital bit he could definitely do without.

"Kakashi-kun! I came to check on you. We had an appointment yesterday and you didn't arrive so I wanted to check you were okay," she called through the door. Why wasn't she leaving? "Kakashi-kun, I can feel your chakra."

Shit. Fucking hell, stupid little shit, not concentrating like he was a fucking genin. If he'd been on a mission, he'd be dead. He lay down, deciding to feign sleep. If he couldn't get rid of her, he could pretend he'd been asleep and maybe she'd leave him alone. He heard the doorknob turn as he rested his good arm over his face, his other fist curled by his side to try and hide the shakes.

"Ah, you are here Kakashi-kun. I was just bluffing."

Kakashi wanted to berate himself. He should have known Meino wasn't skilled enough to do that. She was a chunin, regarded highly for her ability to see into the psychological state of anyone and take advantage of it. If she did manage to catch you, and that was a big if, you knew you were mentally done for.

Meino smiled, sitting beside the bed on the floor. Her dirt coloured hair sat neatly on her shoulders, giving a fake image of innocence. He knew that was part of her ploy; nobody expected the kind looking one to mentally tear them to pieces. "Not feeling so great today, Kashi-kun?" Kakashi didn't respond, keeping his arm over his face as he willed her away. "Well, if you're going to be like that maybe I shouldn't have bought you a present."

Kakashi frowned, moving his arm slightly to see whatever it was she'd bought for him. It was probably something stupid; a herbal tea or something to help calm his supposed post-traumatic stress disorder. He thought the diagnosis was bullshit; he was fine. He'd coped until now, it was only the sheer boredom and lack of purpose that was driving him crazy.

Meino held up the present, a book with an orange cover. "You said you knew Jiraiya-sama and you've read some of his books. I saw this one in the bookstore and thought you might like it. It might take your mind off of everything for a while," she suggested with a kind smile on her face. It started to fade as she put the book down on the floor when Kakashi still didn't move. "I heard about your sparring match with Gai-kun." Kakashi rolled over, facing the opposite direction. "You see, the thing is, you rolling over and ignoring me like that tells me that you're feeling upset about it. You didn't meant to put him in the hospital. You lost control."

"My control is fine," Kakashi growled, his voice low beneath his breath.

Meino sighed. "Just like your arm that's still shaking? That's the one you killed your teammate with, isn't it? Rin?"

Kakashi turned immediately, hand to Meino's throat in a grip so tight she could barely breathe. "Don't you dare talk about Rin."

Meino nodded, trying to breathe as her fingers attempted to loosen the copy-ninja's grip. "Okay, I'm sorry, Kashi-kun. I'm just trying to help. The sooner you let me, the sooner you could be getting back to being a ninja again."

"I don't need help," Kakashi replied, turning back on his side and away from her.

Meino waited a moment to see if he'd say anything else. "Well, at least I can tell Ibiki you're starting to feel things again. We were getting concerned you might have been trying to bottle it up forever," she said as she slowly got up. "That's progress, Kashi-kun. Hopefully you'll be ready to let some more out next time."

Kakashi listened to her leave. He didn't need to put up with this. He rolled onto his back, feeling the weight of his fatigue kicking in. He closed his eyes, hoping for some sleep. He'd never been particularly good at sleeping, the ability diminishing even further over the years. The alcohol seemed to be helping too.

His arm fell down the side of the bed, touching the book on the floor. Icha Icha Paradise. What a sappy sounding title. He opened it slowly, beginning to read. He fell asleep, only aware of how far he'd read by the presence of the book on his face when he woke up in a cold sweat. He turned on a small light beside his bed, looking the book over again. It was oddly captivating, something he wouldn't have dreamed of reading. But he scanned over the previous pages quickly and began reading again. He'd always been a bit of a bookworm, though his books of choice were usually much more serious and violent in their nature.

Asuma visited a couple of days later at his father's and Gai's request. He cleaned up the broken ceramic that was still strewn across the kitchenette, quietly observing the silver haired ninja whom was completely enthralled in the orange novel. "What are you reading?" he asked as he finally poured the handful of ceramic into the bin.

Kakashi didn't respond. Asuma sighed, walking over and plucking the book from between Kakashi's fingers. "Smut? Are you kidding me?"

Kakashi snatched it back. "Meino gave it to me," he replied. "It'd be rude not to read it."

Asuma rolled his eyes, walking back to the kitchen as he opened the fridge. "There's no food in here," he said as he suddenly got a whiff of something. "And whatever there is, it's long gone."

Kakashi continued to ignore him as Asuma fetched the bin and began taking out the fridge's contents. So Kakashi wasn't going to go on a murdering spree anymore because he was too preoccupied with some dirty romance novel that the psychologist had given him; that was great. Now he was starving himself because all he did was read instead.

Asuma walked over, picking Kakashi up under the arm and forcing on the rest of his clothes. He then proceeded to drag Kakashi out of the apartment and towards somewhere they could get something to eat. Somewhere without too many children who might have peered in the wrong direction, particularly as Kakashi didn't seem to be putting down his book any time soon.

He happened to find Kurenai along the way, dragging her along so he'd at least have someone to talk to. "He's just too preoccupied with that book. I got two sentences out of him and that was because it was about the book."

Kurenai leaned forward on the table, picking up her dumplings and lifting them to her mouth. "What's it about, Kakashi?"

"A man's passionate love for a woman, where he endures a number of trials to prove his love for her until she eventually agrees to be with him in the end."

"So you've already finished it then?" Kurenai asked and Kakashi gave a single nod.

"Three times."

Asuma snapped the book shut. "Then you can talk to us instead. I don't think Meino will mind if you don't make it through a forth," he replied and Kakashi frowned.

The copy ninja looked around. "When did we get to the dumplings place?" Asuma rubbed the bridge of his nose between his fingers. Sure, Kakashi had the instincts to catch a flying ball while they were walking but he had no idea where he was while he was reading. "When did Kurenai get here?"

"You're kidding, right?" Kurenai asked and Kakashi gave her a blank look. "You're going off the other end."

Kakashi looked confused as Asuma lit up a cigarette. "We're worried about you. Gai was really beat up the other day," Asuma said before he exhaled, letting the cigarette dangle between his lips.

"I didn't intend to hurt him so much. I thought he was stronger than that," Kakashi replied, a genuine look of confusion across his face. "He just stopped fighting back."

Kurenai frowned. "Gai said you looked like you were going to kill him."

Kakashi hesitated. "I don't think so…" he replied as he continued to think. "Why would I want to kill him?"

Kurenai looked even more concerned. It was as if he didn't remember it. "Kakashi…"

As they expected, Kakashi didn't hang around long. He ate surprisingly little – considering Asuma was sure from the state of Kakashi's apartment that he hadn't eaten in days – and left. He didn't leave in the direction of home but they could already work out where he was going. If Asuma was right and Kakashi hadn't gotten up in days, he was probably going to the memorial to apologise.

Kakashi stood in front of the memorial for a while. It was too easy to get lost in simpler times, waiting for Obito whenever he was late and criticising his attempts at excuses. Minato-sensei would laugh and Rin would shake her head, rubbing the bridge of her nose as she tried to avoid the oncoming headache. She'd then fuss when Obito eventually lashed out at Kakashi and Kakashi would knock him back with no trouble at all.

"Kashi-kun!"

Kakashi turned and immediately sighed. Meino again. He turned back to the memorial as Meino stood beside him, that deceptively kind smile on her face. "Asuma and Kurenai told me you'd be here." She traced her hand over the memorial, her finger lingering on the exact name he'd been staring at. "It's good you have such a good friend to come and visit you, right, Obito-kun?"

Kakashi watched her carefully. She stood there for a moment before she turned to him and smiled. "Is visiting Rin next?" Kakashi almost froze to his spot. Visit Rin? He barely even went to her funeral, his attendance only because Minato had forced him there. Rin wouldn't want to see him; he was the one who drove his arm through her chest and broke his promise to protect her.

Meino watched his expression. "So you still feel guilty, Kashi-kun?" she asked as she looked him over. "Is that the arm you killed her with?"

Kakashi grabbed his arm, feeling the shaking sensation running up it again. He had to make it stop. He could feel the blood running down it again, dripping from his fingers.

"Ka…ka…shi."

Not again; the nightmares of her death had finally stopped, lending him to more nightmares but none were as bad as the images that left him shaking as he woke in the middle of the night. "Kashi-kun, what are you thinking about?"

Kakashi left. He was an ANBU and she was a chunin; she couldn't have dreamed of catching him if she tried. He stepped into his bathroom, throwing his clothes aside as he turned on the shower faucet. He didn't care the water burned; he stood under it, scrubbing at his hand to try and remove the blood that coated it, dripping and turning the water beneath his feet red.

He could hear loud knocking. "Kashi-kun!"

He didn't care. He had to get this blood off if it was the last thing he did. He scrubbed, picking up a scrubbing brush that had been sitting in the bathroom for years with origins unknown, and began to push the tough bristles into his skin. It tore at him, his pores beginning to bleed and the water stung. He continued scrubbing until the water in the bottom of the shower was red and the reality sunk in. Rin's blood wasn't on his arm; that was all his own.

He got out, gently patting his arm dry before he opened the bathroom cupboard. He placed the towel over his head as he stabled himself against the edge of the bath, fumbling with the bandage he'd found. He held one end of the bandage with his teeth, slowly wrapping his arm until it was covered up. He probably should have just gone down to the hospital, they'd have it healed up within a minute, but hospitals reminded him too much of her for him to bother.

He walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, looking at Meino whom sat on the end of his bed. "Ah, you're okay, Okashi-kun," she said with a look of relief on her face. "Sorry I broke in; I was worried you might have done something brash."

Kakashi didn't speak. He walked over to the kitchen, pulling out a cup and filling it with water. "You know, you look quite handsome with the mask off. Surely you've considered not wearing it before. You might distract some more of your enemies that way."

Kakashi wouldn't turn to acknowledge her. She smiled, a look of content across her face as she folded her legs. "Well, it certainly worked on me. I forgot what I was meant to be doing for a while."

Kakashi spun around, eyes making contact with hers. "You're not Meino."

Meino's expression didn't waver. "No. Well, yes and no. The Meino you remember is currently lying in the morgue. She was on a mission in the waterfall. She left just before you did but was expected to be gone much longer. I kidnapped her, held her captive and exchanged bodies with her the split second before you shoved that kunai into my throat. I knew you were going to do it, you see. And now you're nuts, everyone will think you're just trying to get out of meeting with me if you go tell them what I did."

Kakashi stood frozen. Shit. He should have expected a much stronger reaction from the chunin when he'd walked out without his mask; everyone who had seen it did. He remembered Rin staring for a good ten minutes when he'd been forced to remove it once so she could heal the side of his face. "Ga-"

"It's Meino, Okashi-kun," she said with the same smile. The kind that suddenly sent shivers down his spine. She was right; he had to deal with her himself. No one was going to believe him if he said she wasn't Meino; in every right, she was. Merely the soul within the body had changed and that was not tangible enough to use as evidence.

"Now that's over with, Okashi-kun," the new Meino said, standing up slowly and straightening her clothes. "I think I can make this arrangement worth your while."

Author's note: 3 chapters in 3 days... that's a record for me. I'm hoping to keep this up; it's not an overly long story. For those who don't know Japanese, 'Okashii' means amusing or strange, so Meino is using a play on Kakashi's name. Please review and/or follow, let me know if you like it or hate it so far. Any feedback is welcome. - Asami