Chapter 4: Evolt Tion
Since the dawn of civilization, every dominate lifeform on every planet has struggled with the question of how the universe began. Unfortunately, because whoever created the Universe didn't bother to leave a calling card or at least some blueprints we have no idea how it all began. So each Civilization just made something up that they thought sounded pretty cool. The creators of 'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy' decided that if anyone was going to be traveling around the Galaxy looking for a new home they would first need to know what their new home's inhabitants believed in, starting with the creation of the universe and life itself.
The Guide has 150 pages dedicated to the subject alone, listing every known Creation story in the known Galaxy. On the last page, it lists all the creation stories in a ranking system based on the findings of the Galactic Scientific Scholars Board who studied every single Creation story themselves. It took over two centuries to come up with the findings, but in the end they reached the conclusion that the only feasible scientific theory that existed was Darwin's Theory of Evolution. In the Number two spot was Grobolb Flieck's Theory of Evolution, which was like Darwin's theory except it stated that life evolved because every Animal in the Galaxy wanted to one up another, much like people do when they show off their new rocket car and you immedietly become jealous of them and decide to get a better one.
3rd place went to the Norse's theory of the beginning of life. Not because it was scientifically sound, but because the idea that a planet could be made out of the blood and flesh of an Ice Giant sounded pretty damn cool.
From the 3rd position on there are only un-factual and rather improvable theories of creation that are mostly based on Faith and religion alone. The lowest ranked theories included the Ralphaysian's belief that the universe was drawn by God with a giant pencil and Earth's theory of Intelligent Design.
The Pencil theory was busted when the Board tried to find where this pencil was located. According to the Ralphaysians they actually had the pencil with them, but they just didn't want to show it to anyone. After 20 years of signing papers with the Intergalactic Bureaucracy they finally got a warrant to search the Ralphaysian homeplanet to find the pencil. The Ralphaysians, not wanting to cause a fuss, led them to large pencil inside a temple.
The board called it a fake, because not only was the pencil obviously crudely cut down trees made to look like one big pencil, (the big give away was a branch sticking out of it) but the board believed that if God had drawn the universe into existance there would at least be some rather large sharpening leftovers and eraser shavings all over the place, or at most a large sharpener.
The Intelligent Design theory was also seen as unscientifically sound because of several reasons, besides the Dinosaur fossils, the archelogical evidence, the genetic and biological evidence and the fact that humans looked like a bunch of stupid hairy monkeys anyway, the board also believed that god creating the first female through the use of a spare rib was rather hack writing and not very well planned out. Not only did the human female not look anything like a rib, but the idea that God could've gotten it out of Adam without killing him was beyond them due to the fact medical science was non-existant back then.
Also, the animal known as the earth occupying chicken was so mind-bongling useless as anything other then a food source that it could only mean God was either playing a cruel joke on the poor creature or he pretty much decided that the poor thing should outright suffer for all time. Since God is described to be niether so mean or so sadistic it debunked the intelligent design theory right then and there for the Board.
When the creationists of Earth started trying to desperately prove their theory was correct through dubious methods, the Board labeled the Creationists of Earth 'Retarded' for compeltely forgeting the most important fact about Religion was faith and if they proved Intelligent Design through facts it was only going to kill God.
The third worst ranked theory of creation however comes from the planet of Evolt Tion which has been called "A Planet in Denial." The reason why its called that is about to be discovered by Blackfire, who has apparently been turned into a cat like creature shortly after her crash landing on the planet just a few minutes before.
"This cannot be happening." Blackfire mused taken aback by her new looks "This really cannot be happening."
Suddenly a sound appeared from nowhere
"Meow."
Slapping her hands over her mouth as soon as she heard the sound it was immedietley apparent that it was she who had meowed. Blackfire slowly brought them away from it
"Did I just meow?" She asked herself. she recieved her answer in another Meow that originated from her mouth and forced her to put her hands over it again.
"I am so confused." She cried not understanding at all the situation of what was going on.
Getting up from the ground Blackfire began to walk through the dense jungle. Her ship destroyed in the crash she knew she would have to find someone to give her a ride of some kind off this planet. She was hoping she'd find that metropolis she saw again or at least the village she happened upon.
An hour later though she had basically happened upon nothing and it was getting rather tedious for her. She was a now cat-like creature on jungle planet with no civilized lifeform in the area and she was beginning to work up an appetite for a mice. This was not at all a pleseant thought. She wanted to ask the guide about the planet she was on, but because she did not know its name was Evolt Tion she could not ask.
"I might as well give up." She said "I'm going to be stuck on this planet forever. Not that it matters, like I'd actually want to go to Earth now. I look like a giant house-hold pet!"
Shaking her fists in anger she punched a nearby tree sending many of the nesting birds above scattering in all directions.
"Why do you hate me!?!" She yelled at the heavens, knowing she would never recieve an answer. "Ever since I got kicked out Tamaran things have gone from bad to worse! Wasn't being banished enough for you?!?"
As she kicked a nearby stone and plopped down on the ground she decided to resign to the fact that she was going to be stuck as a Cat for the rest of her natural life. Or she would've become resigned to it had the jungle around not suddenly changed in a flash and she found herself in the middle of the street. The tall trees now replaced with sky scrapers and the ground covered with hard steel making up the roads. She also felt less furry and began to feel her face. Skin, no fur at all. She looked behind her and found her tail was now gone.
"I'm..." she said astonished "I'm back to normal! Finally something goes right!"
At this moment Blackfire began to feel something chaffe in her throat and after a few seconds of coaxing it, she cough up a furball. Blackfire didn't even remember licking herself. throwing the fur to the side she walked out of the street and further into the the city. It was rather big, but there weren't many people around her.
Eventually however she spotted someone. A plump little creature with skinny arms and legs as well as clylindrical head attached to his body by elongated neck. He was wearing some kind of silver short no sleeved vest on his body.
"Finally someone to talk to!" Blackfire said rushing over to the Alien and calling to him "Excuse me!"
The Alien turned to see her and was apparently surprised at her appearance.
"What the-? Why aren't you wearing a time vest?" He asked
Blackfire was once again confused, as she was with the rest of this planet.
"My what?" She asked
"No time!" He said, chuckling a little at his words for some reason "We need to get one fast."
He grabbed her by the hand and ran over to a nearby building. Dragging her inside, Blackfire believed he had taken her to a clothing boutique. Except everything was the same article of clothing, a silver no sleeved vest not unlike the one that this alien wore. The alien was quick to Take one of the vests off the wall and passed it to Blackfire.
"Put it on." He ordered
"Why?" she asked
"Just put it on!" He said again
Blackfire did as she was told and slid her arm through the vest and snapped it closed. There was sudden powering up sound as she slid the clothes on. The alien now seemed relieved.
"Thank god we got that on you." he said
There was a sudden flash and the landscape changed once more, this time to a barren desert plain with a few run down animal skin huts surrounding them.
"Just in time too." He said "We could've turned back into Neanderthals again."
"What are you talking about?" She demanded "Where the hell did the city go?"
"We're back before it existed." The alien told her "Didn't the tourist agency tell you about that when you decided to visit Evolt Tion?"
"Evolt Tion?" Blackfire said "So thats where I am."
"Well of course its where you are." The plump little alien said "You paid to get here didn't you?"
"No," Blackfire explained "my ship crash landed on this planet and got turned into a cat for an hour for some reason. Now could you please tell me where the city went? And for that matter where did the jungle go before? Why does the landscape keep changing?"
The alien shook his head.
"Great, an uniformed tourist." He said exassperated
"Well sorry mister, but I didn't exactly want to come hare anyway." Blackfire said putting her hands to her hips "I've been trying to get to Earth."
"Well you're a long way off from there lady." The alien told her
"No duh," Blackfire responded "and since my ship's broken I need a new one. Know where I can get a lift out of here?"
"I guess." The alien sighed "Follow me then. It'll take awhile to find it and this time period doesn't have cars. We may get lucky and it will change in the next few hours though."
Time periods? Changes? What was this guy blabbering on about?
"Look can you at least explain to me whats up with this planet?" She asked as they walked.
"I suppose you should know." He said "You're on Evolt Tion, a nice little planet that has a bit of time problem, mainly we keep skipping years back and forth now and again. My name's Fletch by the way."
"Blackfire, nice to meet you." She responded "You're pretty much the most reasonable person I've meet so far travelling this part of the Galaxy."
"And yet you've wound up on a very messed up planet." Fletch responded "Ironic really."
Blackfire at least figured out out partially what was going on.
"So stop me if I'm getting this wrong so far." She trold Fletch "I'm on a planet that timeskips periodically and unpredictably. Therefore, one second I'm in a prehistoric jungle the next I'm in a futuristic metropolis."
"Correct." Flecth answered "It isn't that hard to understand really once its properly explained."
"So why is this place like that?" Blackfire asked
"Because Evolt Tion is unfortunately trapped in a large mass of spacial chronitons." Fletch explained "Our entire planet is bombarded by them every day. When they hit us we either go forward or backwards in time. Because of that our civilization advances and degrades to quickly to truly prosper on its own. So we basically just pay people to come see the possible past or future of their own planets through ours. Right now, we're in the Iron Era. Its when my species were almost whiped out by a giant meteor shower, but they managed to survive by becoming barbaric idiots."
"Must be tough living off tourist money." Blackfire said
"It pays the bills." Fletch answered
"So what about these vests?" Blackfire asked tugging at hers
"Technology that took us years to properly refine because the skips hindered our progress." Fletch explained "When we hit any major breakthough the timeskips reversed all the hard work we done making it non-existant. Then we got lucky. We harvested some of the chronitons at one of the times when we got a full two years of extremely advanced technology. It allowed us to gather chronitions from space using the a space station that we had suddenly developed because of the skip itself and we used them to create these time vests. They keep us from feeling the effects of the skips so we do not revert to our primative states or evolve faster then we can handle."
"So that's why I turned into a cat for an hour." Blackfire said slapping her forehead "The Tamaranian people evolved from Cat like creatures! Why didn't I see it sooner?"
"Well you crash landed on an unknown planet," Fletch told her "If something like that happened to me I'd be pretty confused to."
"Do a lot of people get freaked out if they come without knowing everything about this place?" Blackfire asked
"Actually yes," he said "there was one guy in this big spaceship who kept excusing himself for what had happened. He said his improbability drive was probably malfunctioning or something. He got blamed as a scapegoat for everything by the elders and was chased around by the military until he finally blasted off. He called our planet 'very un-hip' and then used a big laser gun to tatoo his name onto our planet's equator just to spite us. Now we call our equator the Zaphod Line because of it."
"Well at least I'm not the only traveller having a hard time." said Blackfire, taking some solice in the fact this Zaphod fellow was having as much trouble as she was.
Blackfire nodded and looked around at the barren landscape as they walked.
"So how long until this barren hell desert craphole goes away?" Blackfire asked
"Anywhere from a few seconds to several years." Fletch told "We haven't quite perfected the Time Skip prediction because its so random. Skippermen hardly ever get it right either."
"Skippermen?" Blackfire asked confused at the word
"Our version of Weathermen." Fletch answered "They try to predict when the next major skip is going to occur. Key word 'try' of course."
Blackfire was at least happy that she had found a person that was sane for once. Fletch seemed like her knew what he was talking about. For a plumb, skinny armed pale faced alien with a stretchy neck of course. Hopefully the rest of the planet was as sane as he was.
"Well there's at least one positive about all this time travelling." Blackfire said
"What would that be?" Fletch asked
"Well for one you guys know where you all came from." She said "You know how you started out and what you've ended up as. A lot of people, scientists in particular, would gladly trade their position with yours I'm sure. I mean, since you know what you evolved from nobody can dispute how old this planet is or what you're related to."
Fletch simply pft-ed at her comment.
"Right, I wish." he said "Fact is Evolt Tion's leaders still claim that Evolution is a myth and all of this is a time travelling stuff is a ruse."
Blackfire was beyond words at this, why would anyone after seeing all this dispute the theory of Evolution? The evidence was popping up in their faces every couple of seconds!
"What?" Blackfire said astounded at it all "How the hell can they think that? All the evidence is right in front of them!"
"Yeah," Fletch said "doesn't mean they've got to listen to it though."
Fletch decided to explain everything to Blackfire so she wouldn't be as confused. According to the religious elders, who were also the planet's leaders, the theory of evolution was a fraud and that all the evidence that proved otherwise was easily countered. The counter to it all was that there was an evil Scientist conspiracy running everything, including the planet's crisis concerning the bombarding Chronitons. That was it, all evidence proving them wrong was made up by a conspiracy. Its not a very convincing defense, but since they basically outlawed any attempt to debate the subject no one can change it.
The official creation theory of Evolt Tion says that the world was created by God and his giant cow Bessy. God made fertilizer out of Bessy 'leavings' and rolled it into a ball. Almost immedietly plants sprouted out of the tiny ball and Animals suddenly appeared out of nowhere when god snapped his fingers. The Evolt Tions were created with five toothpicks and two marshmellows. Four Toothpicks were for the arms, one for the nec and the marshmellows made up the head and body. All of this occured within three days and when god was pleased he held a big frat party for all his friends.
It is no wonder this theory ranks among the lowest of the creation stories that the Galactic Scientific Scholars Board studied. It got a few extra points above the Earth's creationist story because, unlike the whole rib thing, Evolt Tions at least looked like five toothpicks sticking together two marshmellows. All of this is very dishearting to Blackfire as she is beginning to find that this Galaxy is run by a bunch of idiots. The sudden change in scenery to a volcanic rocky hell setting also did nothing to calm her nerves over it all. Now that she was in the planet's violent childhood it just made her want to leave this place even more.
"Okay how do I get off this rock then?" She asked Fletch as a nearby volcano spewed out a chunk of purning rock that landed beside a few meters away.
"Well we'll eventually come up to the transport station in a few more miles." Fletch told her "From there we can get you a ride I suppose."
Eventually after walking for several hours and through at least three more skips, the Ice Age, a global war and a dingy slum street which Fletch explained was when the planet went morally bankrupt and slipped into a Great Depression.
"How exactly can you all know your own history if you've been skipping time periods for eons now?" Blackfire asked
"Well it wasn't always like this you know." Fletch told her "Before this Chroniton Crisis we were a pretty normal planet. Then our world's leaders decided to prove once and for all that our planet was the center of the universe beyond a shadow of a doubt using science. Therefore proving our religion was scientifically accurate."
"I thought you said they blamed science for this whole chroniton thing." Blackfire reminded him crossing her arms.
"They do," Fletch explained "but that whole crappy conspiracy theory is really just them trying to blame something else to make everyone forget its their fault."
"So what did they do?" Blackfire asked
"Well," Fletch began "first they fired a rocket with the world's biggest radar sweeper. They said that if we were the center of universe then the scope would easily scan the entire universe in one sweep of the radar. That means every star, planet, nebula and galaxy would be picked up on screen. That is if we were the center of the universe of course."
Blackfire had an idea what had happened at this point
"Oh I get it." Blackfire interuppted "So when they saw they weren't at the center of the universe they blasted themselves with rockets attached to the planet to the center so they could make it right and ended up getting stuck in these Chronitons."
But Fletch shook his head
"Close, but actually we never got to even find out if we were at the center." Fletch told her "Before the radar scope could start up a giant ship blasted out of nowhere and snagged the radar around its tail fin. Since the damn thing was attached by a super long extension cord we got towed a long for the ride. For five whole minutes the planet was totally out of orbit from our sun. When the cord finally gave way we flew through space for another five minutes making us all very sick. We then ended up in this chroniton nebula and have been stuck in it ever since orbiting around a new sun and being bombarded by Chronitons every day."
"How long ago was this?" Blackfire asked
"20 years ago to this day." Fletch answered "And we're still all rather pissed at the government. The first thing they said in an address to the planet after we figured out what had happened was 'He did it!' and they all pointed to a nearby scientist. After we all finished beating him there on the spot though we realised we'd been had when we saw the leaders had slipped out the back stage door. They escaped to the Ivory Tower on the otherside of the planet and haven't been heard from since. Since its so high that its out of the atmosphere they rule the planet by proxy now, it gives us a bit of extra freedom though so I can't complain about it that much."
"Wow," Blackfire said sympathically "your planet sucks."
"Yeah I know." Fletch responded looking up and pointing "But lucky you, you won't have to deal with it much longer. Look there."
Blackfire looked ahead and saw a large structure, as shiny and silver as the vest she and Fletch wore. As they approached the structure Blackfire saw spacecraft arriving and approaching the building and landing behind it.
"Its our spaceport." Fletch told her "Its surrounded by a bubble made of pure chroniton extract and the structure itself is made out of the material used in our vests. That way it never degrades or gets older or even vanishes compeltely from the timeskips. The ships are also made of the same material so they don't cease to exist in mid flight."
Blackfire and fletch entered the spaceport and walked in. It was full of alien travellers, all of whom were either coming or going from this messed up little mudball. Blackfire was happy she soon would be off this hellhole soon enough. But Fletch would unfortunately remain. No doubt growing more ticked off and whiny over the fact his planet was run by idiots and he could never hold down any oother job besides being a tour guide. So as Fletch walked up to the ticketer and asked for a ship that could carry Blackfire off of Evolt Tion, she stepped in.
"Make it a two seater." Blackfire told the ticketer.
Fletch was surprised at this request
"But there's only one of you." He told her "Why would you-"
"Cause I want you to come with me." she told him "We can find you a new home where you can actually have a real lifer and not be stuck on this crap hole forever."
Fletch scratched his head at the thought
"I just can't leave my planet." He said "I've lived here my whole life! Its the place I'm most familar in. Its-"
"A place run by proxy by a bunch of religious rubes and can't stay in one time long enough for anyone to do anything important but make a vest that keeps people from being affected by bombarding chronitons." Blackfire finished for him
Fletch thought what Blackfire had said for a few short seconds, and then came to the conclusion that when someone offers you a ride out of a crappy place like here you take it.
"Lets roll then." Fletch told Blackfire
A few minutes later both Blackfire and Fletch had taken their respective seats in their new minature spaceship they had rented. They would not need to return it to the planet however because like all modern rental services in the Galaxy when their time is up with it the ship will automatically transport back to its real owners. Earth's many vehicle rental places howvere have not yet caught on to this idea proving once more that Earth is rather primative and sad compared to the rest of the galaxy. Taking off from the port the two new friends begin their climb away from the planet.
"About time we got away from there." Blackfire said "I was beginning to go crazy with all those time period changes."
"You and me both." Fletch agreed "So where to now?"
"Well you can come to Earth with me or we can find a nice little moon to live on." Blackfire told him
"Why not another planet?" Fletch asked
"Trust me," she warned him "you do not want to go to another planet."
Indeed Blackfire was beginning to re-evaluate her place in the galaxy. From her time as an Exile she was beginning to think that perhaps she had gotten the whole ruler thing wrong and that it was ultimately her actions that got her thrown out. If she had just been contempt in ruling Tamaran and not trying to trick her sister into marrying a giant sludge beast she could have maintained her power base and from then on lived like royalty for the rest of her days. At least then she'd be one of the government leaders in this galaxy who were actually sane.
Of course the whole train of thought came back to her sister. If she hadn't banished her, then that would mean she still would have been Grand Ruler Empress Blackfire of Tamaran, even though she did invite her and her friends to the planet it still meant her sister had basically tossed her aside and decided to let her rot on some dingy little mudball with stupid whimpy pencil pushers feeding her slop while she sat amongst other outcasts, she could sympathize with them a little more now that she had been among them and seen how crappy the universe really was outside of the places she had once visited.
Perhaps she was not as well travelled or as well knowledgable as she once thought. It made her feel like she wasn't the worse the galaxy had to offer.
Yes, she was glad she had taken this little trip. Now that she was out of the position of power over her own planet she could do whatever she wanted, meaning she wouldn't have to make up rdiiculous laws or start meaningless wars. She was free from those stupid pursuits at last. Now she would have more time for herself instead of worrying about how to keep people subserviant and how to aquire more power.
However it did not mean she had forgiven her sister Starfire for sending her to Refus 12 to rot and she most likely never would. Mostly because its not a type of grudge you give up easily and secondly because some big and rather vicious had bumped into their ship interrupting her train of thought.
"What the heck?!" Blackfire demanded as the ship shook wildly from the hit.
Suddenly a large eyeball passed by the window of the ship. Following that a large mass of fur flew past them and revealed itself to be a large monsterous bird with large crooked beak and elongated neck and tattered wings flapping wildly in the breeze.
"Holy crap!" Fletch said "Its a Megador!"
"A what?!?" Blackfire screamed
"Short for Mega Condor." Fletch explained "Rather scary nast bird we hunted to extinction a very long time ago."
"Well that doesn't look extinct to me!" Blackfire said pointing at the charging bird
"Extinct animals never stay extinct on this planet." Fletch told her "Its what happens when you get bombarded by chronitons all the time."
Taking evasive action Blackfire manuveured away fromt he attacking bird, escaping its lunge by a few inches. She turned the ship around to follow the bird.
"I'll teach you to try eat me you overgrown canary!" Blackfire said defiantly as she primed the ship's missiles.
"Wait!" Fletch said "Don't shoot!"
But it was too late the missiles fired at the bird at full speed, it hit the back of the beast...a suddenly went flying up into the sky, un exploded.
"What the...?" Blackfire said confused
"Did I mention the Megador has the toughest skin of anyknown bird in the Galaxy." said Fletch "The only thing that can take it out is a neutron bomb."
"Well do we have one then?" Blackfire asked
"No, we outlawed them years ago after they killed the birds." Fletch told her
"Well theres still one alive!" Blackfire shouted "Un-outlaw them!"
The bird charged again, this time the ship wasn't quick enough to evade and was knocked on the side of the rear thruster. The bird passed over again and began to dive at the small ship.
"He's coming to finish us off!" Fletch shouted
"There's no time to get out of the way!" said Blackfire in a panic
"Brace for impact!" Fletch screamed
The bird opened its talon and was about to scoop up the ship in them and crush both fletch and Blackfire inside. Then just moments before the bird could finish his dive...there was a flash. blackfire and Fletch opened their eyes.
"What happened?" Blackfire asked "Where's the bird? Why aren't we dead?"
Fletch pointed forwards
"Because our bird friend just devolved into the Condasaurus." he explained
Blackfire look ahead and saw a large dinosaur-like animal hanging mid air. Its head and arms resembled the Megador except it had no feather and rounder head witha smaller beak like appearance. The only feather it had were on the top of its head. It it appeared to be a two legged dinosaur with sharp teeth. and just Blackfire had noticed all of that it began to plummet downward and out of the sky.
"Well that was bizzare." Blackfire commented as she flew the ship out of the atmosphere and away from the planet.
"Lucky us that timeskip happened when it did huh?" Fletch said as they began to leave his planet behind.
"I just felt it was a little anti-climatic is all." said Blackfire rather dissapointed "I mean, if an even bigger flying monster came out of nowhere and ate it, that would've been way cooler."
"Just be glad we're alive." Fletch told her
Blackfire only sighed
"I am." she said "Its just when you're on a intersteller space journey you expect things to be a little more grand when you get to the conclusion of these things."
"Yeah, well unfortunately that kinda stuff doesn't happen in the real world." Fletch told her "So live with it."
"I suppose." Blackfire sighed again "At least we're away from that damn planet."
"Amen to that sister." Fletch responded
It is rather easy to forget at this point a giant dinosaur-like creature was falling at several hundred miles per hour towards the surface of planet Evolt Tion. Meaning that it only had a few short minutes to go through the five stages of grief before its eventual demise. This is what the Condasaurus thought as it plummeted.
"Oh boy. This is definetly not good. Definetly not good. Its gonna hurt really, really, really bad when I hit the ground. Oh please, what am I saying! Its no big deal! I'm not even that high up! Chances are I'm gonna land in big pile of soft leaves and survive. Yeah I'm gonna look back on this day and laugh and laugh. He, he."
1 second later
"OH THIS IS BULLS--T, MOTHER F--KING BULLSHIT! Stupid planet! Stupid Air! Stupid ship that shot at me! Stupid random changing into this thing while I'm in the air! This is a bunch of total bulls--t! F----------K!
Another second later
"Okay look, just change me back into a giant bird. Okay? Please! I promise that I won't kill anymore innocent animals if I make it out of this falling plummet of death alive. Just change me back into a bird. Please. If you change me back I'll be your best friend!
Another second latger
"WAAAH! WAHHHAHA! WAAAAAAHHHA!WHYYYYYY!?! ITS NOT FAIR! WAHA WAH WAAAAAH! WHHHHYYYYYYYYY?!?
Another scond later
"You know what, I'm cool. I fine with this. I can manage. Hey I bet heaven has an awesome buffet up there. Its probably loaded with meat! And really, did I ever actually like this planet? Tell me? Did I ever? No! I'm fine! I'm going to be okay! I had a good run! Now its done! Might as well just move on with my whole damn life and get it over with. Less painful that way. Oh look theres the ground! Hello ground! I'm ready to recieve your sweet release of death!"
Just two seconds before the Condasaurus hit the ground however the planet timeskipped once more to a period where the place he was landing in was a pillow factory and the Condasaurus was no longer a condasaurus, but intstead no longer existed. This interrupted his fall and when the next timeskip changed the landscape into a period where more then half the planet was covered in water he reappeared as a lizard-like fish that hadn't even evolved legs yet. Because his fall was interrupted it was as if all the momentum he had built was no gone.
So the Condasaurus, who was no no longer a condasaurus, survived another day. Ironically, if his species had not been hunted to extinction he would've survived easily by falling on the pillows and not having to deal with this whole messy ridiculous explanation to how his five stages of grief didn't matter cause he had survived anyway.
Also, like the Condasaurus, it is easy to forget about the missile that had been fired at him before when he was still a Megador and had been deflected up further into the sky. That missile was now flying into space at several thousand miles an hour. Just seconds before it hit a large pile of Chronitons the only thing that went through its mind was...
"Oh no not again."
Many have theorized that if we knew why the missile thought this, we'd understand a great more about ourselves and our place in the universe. Others, just think its a ridiculous notion because missiles don't have thoughts. All of this, however, is totally unknown by Fletch and Blackfire as they fly away from Evolt Tion and towards a fuel station/diner on a nearby moon to get repairs and a well deserved meal before heading off to Earth.
"Hopefully nothing messed up will happen when we arrive." Blackfire said regarding the diner "But knowing my luck so far something bad will happen."
"Doesn't it always?" Fletch asked her
"Yes, but lately to me its been rather hectic." she explained
"Why's that?" Fletch asked
Blackfire sighed at this, realising that she might as well start telling her story since she had heard Fletch's.
"Well it all started back on Tamaran where I had just taken power as the Grand Ruler." She began
"That doesn't sound so bad." Fletch told her "I mean you're the leader of a whole planet and everything. Its the easiest job in the world."
"Trust me Tamaran is not at all an easy planet to rule." Blackfire told Fletch "In fact I'm surprised I actually ever wanted the job at all considering all that has happened recently."
"What do you mean?" Fletch asked
"People kept coming to me with so many problems it hurt my head." Blackfire responded, clutching her forehead to further characterise the point. "Taxes are too high, people are hungry, they want protection, free healthcare, me to outlaw this, ratify that, it really got annoying after awhile so I thought of a way to shut them all up and still keep power while not looking like either an ass or a dictator."
Fletch knew where this was going.
"You faked an invasion huh?" He questioned
"Correct." Blackfire answered "And thats where the trouble began."
Is Blackfire actually going to talk about her entire life story on the way to the fuel station with Fletch? When is she ever going to get going to Earth now that she has both the emans and the proper directions to reach it? Why exactly was it relevant to cover a mis-fired missile heading towards a group of Chronitons before it exploded? And do Chronitons even exist in the real world of non-fiction anyway? For possible answers or perhaps no answers at all stay tuned for the next installment of 'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy.'