When I was writing this story over the last week I completely ran out of ideas after the Evolt Tion chapter. I briefly thought about Blackfire visiting the total infinity vortex...but then realised that if she survived it then that would deminish Zaphod Beeblbrox's superiority and therefore I dropped the idea. Instead I decided to end it here, with one last philosophy lesson and a few random jokes here and there. Also a brief cameo by a favourite character from the original guide series who I enjoyed very much.
I do hope I've managed to live up to the original guide by D. Adams at least in a small way. The end however to me as I originally wrote isn't guide-ish enough so I'm re-working it. Once again I do hope I've suceeded in making a good parody of Adam's original and have paid homage tot he series he's so fondly remembered for.
Chapter 5: A Small Stint on a Fuel Station
and then
Somewhere Else
Many people already know much about the life of Blackfire of Tamaran who has lived a rather roller coaster life since her birth. She was born before her sister princess Starfire, which meant she should've inherited the throne first. She could not fly however and so she was unfit for the throne for some ridiculous reason that was extremely outdated beyond imagination.
It doesn't matter though because before either of the siblings could take the throne their parents were killed by the invading Gordanian army and, in order to save the planet, Blackfire gave up her sister to them.
However this didn't satisfy the Gordanians apparently because in some ridiculous turn of events the Gordanians took Blackfire as well and decided to experiment on the two Tamaranian girls. Why they didn't do the more obvious thing people would do with captured women from other planets could probably be explained by the fact that most Gordanians are impotent and merely grow their offspring in pods, or clone them no one is sure, whatever the reason though Gordanians never ever think of sex...ever.
Therefore they wasted their time experimenting on the poor girls instead for the hell of it. Eventually the experiments gave Blackfire the ability to fly and shoot laser balls that were called starbolts out of her hands. Starfire gained the same abilities. Blackfire couldn't enjoy her flight abilities, however, because she was a prisoner. The logical thing to do was escape the Gordanians of course while leaving her sister to rot on the Gordanians space ship.
This, however, worked out for her sister. Starfire escaped to the planet Earth, caused a bit of mindless destruction and met a nice young man from the City of Gotham with a Bird's name. She became a hero on Earth and apparently never went back to her home planet except on special occassions. As for Blackfire, after living such a crappy life on her homeworld and being passed over she travelled the Galaxy alone.
She eventually drifted into a life of crime of course and framed Starfire for one of her thefts because she was still pissed over that whole 'no flying means no throne' rule which wasn't even entirely Starfire's fault. Blackfire was found out however and sent to Galactic jail where she spared no time in breaking out and traveling back to her own planet to take it over 'for kicks' as she quoted.
Of course as we've previously mentioned, she was soon bored, went too far with the whole powerful planetary grand ruler and pretty much got exiled when her sister beat her in a challenge for the throne inevitably ending her up on Refus 12 and starting this entire ridiculous adventure we have just read about.
The reason this is being mentioned of course is because, like any good story, the events of the first chapter are quite possibly going to connect themselves with that of these last two chapters making Blackfire's journey as an exile in space come full circle. Also it most likely will explain why the introduction to 'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy' has such hope in actually getting people like Blackfire to learn something from this whole bloody mess about being exiled in the first place and that everything happens for a reason, otherwise it wouldn't have happened at all.
In some roundabout way, this could explain why 'The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy' has the words "Don't Spazz Out" printed on the back in largey friendly yellow letters so as to show the reader that everything will eventually work out for the better because if things are bad then it is for a reason and they will most likely get better.
And things cannot possibly get any worse for Blackfire and her new friend Fletch of Evolt Tion who are now sitting in a diner while their spaceship refuels. Blackfire has pretty much just reiterated her entire short backstory and her recent hair-raising adventure across the galaxy's outer rim to Fletch who to say the least is rather surprised that she has gone through all that and hasn't gone insane yet, as he is about to iterate now.
"I'm, surprised you've gone through all that and haven't gone insane yet!" Said Fletch to Blackfire as he sat in the chair at the dingy diner with Blackfire beside him.
"Yeah me too." She responded "Its been one crap planet after another ever since I was exiled. If I could do it all over again I most likely would've just exiled Starfire first. That way I could've stayed on as Grand Ruler and got to see her life ruined."
"It can't be that good a job." Fletch told her "I mean, what's the fun in sitting on a big chair all day barking orders at people."
"That's really the best part Fletch." Blackfire explained "You'd understand if you ever ruled a planet for at least a day." She looked over the counter at the kitchen behind it. "Hey! Could I get another Snorekel Gruzzer Blaster here!"
"Keep your shirt on lady!" The greasy alien at the kitchen window said "You're not the only one here you know. You've had over 20 of those things already."
"I'm still thirsty!" Blackfire yelled back
"Whatever," the kitchen labourer said "if you pee your pants though its your fault."
The chef returned to the kitchen and out of their view. Blackfire merely shook her head and returned her gaze to Fletch
"You see!" she said "This is what I'm talking about. When I was Grand Ruler people never questioned my orders when I asked for something. Here I'm just another dead beat like everyone else at this diner."
"Hey!" A non-discriminate person called from the next table.
"Oh zip it you know its true." Blackfire called back.
"Well sure the ordering around is nice," Fletch told her "but listening to all those complaints, all that whinning, hell it was one of the reasons our planet's leaders left for their giant Ivory Tower. They wanted to get away from our problems with them. Didn't you ever feel like that?"
"Yes," Blackfire admitted "but after a few dozen protests I just tuned everyone else out. I guess it was one of the reasons they were so quick to throw me out though. I mean nobody likes being ignored I suppose."
"Tell me about it." Fletch concured "No body listened to reason when the time skipping started. Practically everyone with a brain knew what we had evolved from. Oh, but our leaders maintained that we hadn't evolved from weird disgusting creatures that crawled their way out of the muck and developed intelligence on their own."
"What exactly did you evolve from again?" Blackfire asked
"I think it was a slug-like lungfish of some kind." Fletch said "The early time skips made remembering difficult."
"If your leaders are such asses why didn't you revolt?" Blackfire asked
"We tried storming the tower for awhile," Fletch answered "but we got tired walking up all those stairs and they had destroyed the elevator so we just gave up. Besides, why didn't your people revolt?"
"Because I wasn't that cruel a leader." She explained "Sure, maybe a few people got hurt yeah, but nobody died!"
"Sometimes I've thought of dying." A robot sitting next to them said in a monotone voice "The thought occured to me that I could stick my right hand into the side of my head and cause a short circuit. No one asked me to do it though, so the discovery lost all purpose and meaning."
"Do I know you?" Blackfire asked the robot
"No of course you don't." The robot told her "No one even notices me anymore until I start talking. I've been here forever and no one's noticed me at all. The first 1000 years were the worst, the next 1000 they were the worst too, the third 1000 I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline."
"Why have you been here for 3000 years?" Blackfire asked
"Something exploded and open up a gate in the time space continuim." The robot explained "It sent my friend cascading into space and the left me behind. They always do that you know."
"Why don't you leave?" Blackfire asked
"I would," The robot answered "but in case you didn't realise I'm feeling very depressed."
"Well you're a load of laughs to talk to then." Blackfire spat back
"No I'm not," the robot answered "stop using your sarcasm to get my hopes up."
The robot got up and slinkered away.
"Geez, that guy is bordering on emo." Blackfire said "Worse its making me more depressed then I was before. I mean here i am stuck in a diner trying to get to Earth with a another alien along for the ride."
"Ever think there's a reason for any of it?" Fletch asked "You know, about this whole journey.
"Of course there's a reason, I've been banished from my own planet!" Blackfire told him "Its like everyone on Tamaran loves my sister more then me! Hell, even X'aul seem to like her more! Otherwise I would've won that throne challenge."
"Ever consider you wouldn't be here if you just let this whole sibling rivalrly thing go?" Fletch asked
"Yeah I did." Blackfire admitted with a sigh "Its just been such a tough couple of days really. I've barely gotten any sleep or food and travelling all over the galaxy can really bum you out. Especially when you see how the rest of the Galaxy is like."
"What do you mean?" Fletch asked
"I'm beginning to think something is inherently wrong with the universe." Blackfire explained "So far I've encountered, super powerful Bereaucracies running everything, gay bashing alien races, a planet full of messed up hippies and right-winged fanatics and another one that can't keep its time periods straight. Its like every place I've gone to so far is either run by assholes or is populated entirely by assholes! I mean whaty hope is there for this universe if everyone is just a complete jerk!"
"Well its one part of the Galaxy that's pretty messed up." Fletch assured "I'm sure the other galaxies aren't as screwy as this one."
"I severely doubt that considering the last three alien races I've encountered." Blackfire replied "The worst part is that its making me think about how I screwed my people over when I was their leader! Sure I'm not exactly a mama's girl, but I don't want to be known as evil overlord of the galaxy. I just do things for fun! For the heck of it! If it gets my sister screwed over then thats a plus, but its not like I'm evil...malicious maybe, but not evil."
"Seems you've had a bit of an eye opener." Fletch told her
"Yeah and it sucks." Blackfire responded "I'd rather have been stuck on my own planet as its ruler. That way I never would've learned any of this and I wouldn't have to think of myself in a bad light. I mean I've never done a decent nice thing in my life!
Blackfire slammed her fist on the counter, creating a small dent in the table top.
"Everything revolved around making my sister's life miserable and mine better," She continued "but everytime I try it screws me over. First I end up in prison, then I get exiled. "
Blackfire placed her head on the counter and covered it with her hands. The whole conversation was beginning to depress her.
"All I want is someone to say something good about me is all." She stated "Its always been perfect Starfire this and good Starfire that, but whenever I do something its just to get back at her for being nice! And thats accomplished nothing! Just once, I want to show Starfire up, but not get screwed over for it. I want to accomplish something that she has never done. The worst part is I never would've figured this all out of Starfire didn't banish me! X'aul I hate her!"
Fletch only nodded a little
"Hmm, I guess its true what they say," Fletch thought aloud "Ignorance is bliss."
Blackfire had finally gotten out of her stupor when her glass of Snorekel Gruzzer Blaster arrived. When she had taken the first sip of it she realised that something was wrong.
"How long have we been here exactly Fletch?" she asked
"Three days I think." He told her
"Three days!" Blackfire said in astonishment "Why didn't you say something?!?"
"You didn't ask." Fletch told her "Besides I was too interested in your life story. It was like a comic book without the pages or the artwork."
Blackfire looked around the counter, remembering she had bought twenty one Snorekel Gruzzer Blasters in about three days. With no money on her if she wanted to keep herself out of scrubbing the dishes until she had paid off the thrity credits she must've now owed she decided to do what she always did...ditch.
"Let's get back to the ship Fletch" she said "...quietly."
"You don't have any money do you?" he asked
"Perceptive as always," Said Blackfire "if we get out of this I'll give you a cookie."
Silently slipping out the front door while no one was looking the two climbed into the spaceship.
"We have only about two more days left in this rental," Fletch told her "we better get moving to Earth and fast."
"Gotcha." Blackfire complied "Now let's get out of here-"
Blackfire turned the key in the ignition, but nothing happened.
"I thought this thing was refueled!" Blackfire yelled at the machine
"Ignition must be messed up." Fletch told her
"Great now what do we do?" Blackfire asked
"Well we better do something fast cause here comes the chef." Fletch said pointing out the window.
Indeed the chef was coming out the door as they spoke. Blackfire panicked to say the least. Searching around for a way to get out of this predicament she started pressing random buttons hoping they did something. The chef burst out the door of the diner.
"Hey you!" He shouted
Blackfire lost it, with no options left she frantically looked around the ship. She eyed the emergency power up button. She slammed it hard with her open palm. The engines roared to life and the ship began to take off. However it did not peacefully blast off like most ships it instead blasted off wildly as if the ship was now being slingshoted out into a space by a giant rather rude little child.
"What's going on!?!" Blackfire screamed
"We've been launched into hyperspace I think!" Fletch answered
"Why the hell are we being launched into hyperspace!?!" Blackfire demanded "We don't have a hyperspace drive!"
"I don't know why!"
The ship had taken off so fast that the resounding blast of the engines had knocked the chef onto his feet and preety much blew half of the small station apart. The chef could only say one thing as Blackfire and Fletch dissapeared out of sight.
"Moochers." He mumbled.
The reason of course why Blackfire and Fletch are being propelled into hyperspace is because their fuel tank was not fueled with regular rocket fuel, but intstead was fueled with lightspeed fuel. Lightspeed fuel is like rocket fuel only it doesn't go into the fuel tank, but the lightspeed generator's fuel tank of a ship.
The reason it exists is because space travellers soon realised that when they went into hyperspace they ran out of fuel rather fast. The lightspeed generator was sharing the ship's own fuel tank. Therefore hyperspace was short and didn't really get anywhere fast, only as far as you would've on one tank of gas.
Therefore a seperate fuel tank was installed for just the lightspeed generator. It was to be fueled with only lightspeed fuel that could last for miles and propel you even faster then most ordinary fuels in the galaxy. Hyperspace trips were therefore faster and longer and so by contrast travelling was shorter.
Unfortunately if you put lightspeed fuel into a regular tank it would give the engine near lightspeed capabilites on its own without the use of a generator. Because of this both Blackfire and Fletch have now been propelled several miles off course from Earth and are about to exit hyperspace in the atmosphere above a different planet. On their way though their ship accidentally smashed through the Ralphaysian ship that Blackfire disabled before.
It had been limping after her rather pathetically and had managed to get in the way of her now speeding ship. It was going so fast that it managed to completely smash through the main armory of the ship without a scratch. This went unoticed by Blackfire and Fletch who were too busy having their faces squished back into their seats before they could realise anything.
The Ralphaysian ship meanwhile began to exploded left and right. The captain believed that his ship's lockdown procedures would hold out against the constant explosions reverberating throughout the ship and because all Ralphaysians both believe authority without question and think they're always right everyone agreed with him.
The lockdown however made things worse. With the armory now blocked off by a big metal slab door the pressure built up inside the room until it fell apart and released a backdraft throughout the ship killing thousands. They were lucky however. The captain and his crew had to deal with the fact that their engines had now exploded from the backdraft and they were now overheating. Within seconds the ship exploded in a fireball with the captain uttering his last words, 'I was still right about the lockdown.'
Blackfire could nto relish the fact that the hairy freaks were now destroyed, she was too busy feeling her brains turning into mush. as illustrated here,
"My...brains...are...turning...into...mush!!!"
Fletch himself had his face pretty much contorted into several famous celeberities of Earth. He never found out which ones, but they were Babe Ruth, David Lettermen, Bob Saget, Mr. Rogers, Jay Leno, and Mr. Bellevedere.
Eventually they will exit hyperspace as we mentioned before and all of this will stop so they will not be in pain much longer and seeing a new planet will give them reason to relax.
When they see this planet they will be overcome with shock in awe at its beauty and majesty and Blackfire will be in more shock in awe when its true identity is revealed. If readers at this point are brought to some form of overwhelming anticipation we would remind you to do as the "Exiled Ruler's guide to the Galaxy" instructs and that they do not 'Spazz out' and remain calm and patient while we go through another paragraph that will explain everything to you and Blackfire about this planet, the guide and everything else you may want to know about the story.
So let us now return to Blackfire and Fletch as they exit hyperspace.
"Whoa." Fletch said in astonishment "That is one big city down there."
"Takes up quite a bit of the planet." Blackfire added "Has to be if we can see it from this high up."
"What's with the walls surrounding it?" Fletch said pointing out the edge of the city, which indeed was surrounded in walls.
"Probably there to do what wall's do," Blackfire told him "keep something in or keep something out. Theres really no other purpose for a wall you know."
"Yeah I know," Fletch said "I'm just making an observation."
Blackfire looked dowb at the ship's computerized map in front of her.
"Great," she said "we're way off course now."
"Not to mention all our fuel has been burnt up." Fletch added "We'll need to land."
"My expierence with planets so far has told me landing isn't a good idea." Blackfire told him "Niether is asking for directions or trying to ask for a ride."
"Well we're going to crash then," Fletch told her "didn't you listen to me? We're out of gas!"
"I think I'd rather crash." Blackfire said "That way its like I didn't have a choice and I refused to go willingly."
"Just give me the wheel." Fletch demanded
"Fine," Blackfire said getting of the pilot's chair "you land. Don't say I didn't warn ya about it though."
After switching places in the driver seat the two tired Travellers landed on an indiscriminate landing pad ontop of a small building. The top of the ship popped open and out Fletch and Blackfire went. The city was fantastic. Shiny chrome building and flying cars everywhere, as far as the eye could see. A high powered monorail system could be seen off in the distance. People on the streets could be seen waving to each other as they passed by. The skyscrapers reached high into the clouds, with people landing and departing from pads on every level. There were even some exterior elevators on the sides of some buildings. It was truly a breathtaking sight. and as Blackfire looked around she soon saw something in the distance. It immedietly caught her eye. It appeared to be a large satute off in the distance, and it looked familiar.
"What the heck...?" Blackfire asked herself as she began to take off.
"Hey where the hell are you going?" Fletch asked
"There's something over there." Blackfire told him, picking him up by thr hand "Something that reminds of something."
Blackfire and Fletch flew over to the statue. Fletch complained a little about being dragged along on a detour sight seeing trip when they should've been thinking of a way to get to Earth. However any animosity he felt towards this was quickly shattered when the two got close enough to see what the statue was.
It was a spitting image of Blackfire, in a stance that made it look like she was throwing something into the distance. They looked off in the direction she was throwing and saw a stone man, hanging in mid air, being chucked aside like a piece of trash.
"What the hell is this!?" Blackfire demanded "Why do these people have a statue of me? and more importantly how the hell is that stone man hanging in mid air?"
"Beats me." Fletch said "Maybe an anti-gravity field or something."
"I would be able to see the generator from here." Blackfire said as the two landed "It would be the size of ten football fields! And nothing remotely looks like that around here."
"Well why don't ask our crowd of curious onlookers?" Fletch told her pointing to the right of them.
Blackfire looked over to the right and saw what Fletch had described. a whole group of people looking at them with wide eyes and complete amazement. saying things like:
"It cannot be."
"It is her!"
"How is she still alive?"
"By god she's the one! The liberator of our people!"
"Did I miss something?" Blackfire asked "I didn't dissapear for a few hours back at the diner did I? i mean I drank a lot of the alcoholic beverages there."
"Nah," Fletch told her "watched you wide awake for three days straight. You never vanished from the diner."
"So how do all these people know me?" Blackfire asked "And how the hell do they have a statue of me?"
"We must take her to the elders!" One man in crowd said
"Yes!" another one said "The elders must know! Our liberator has returned at last!"
"All hail Blackfire of Tamaran!" Yet another said "Destroyer of the evil Pencil men!"
"Pencil men?" Blackfire said confused
Her question went unanswered, for she and Fletch were quickly grabbed by the mob of onlookers and paraded through the streets. Blackfire tried to complain, but it was no use. Fletch seemed to be enjoying the attention. They eventually paraded up an down the streets of the city until the mob brought them to a large domed building with marble pillars surrounding the huge entrance doors. The mob brought fletch and Blackfire into the building and set them down in the center of a large room.
"Well that was weird." Blackfire said looking up at the surrounding benches of people all peering at her in amazement. "Its like the entire planet is my fan club."
"The fifty story statue wasn't a big enough clue for ya?" Fletch snarked
Before Blackfire could bark back a gentle laugh reverberated through the chamber as an old man with a cane descended the stairs. Wearing a cloak over his head he chuckled his way up to Blackfire and simply nodded.
"So you're Blackfire eh?" He said "Heh, heh, in all my years I never thought we'd see you again."
"I'm sorry have we met?" Blackfire asked
"Oh no, of course not." he said "You haven't met us, oh no, I'm sure you haven't. But you see we do know you. You've been a legend on this planet for over 20, 000 years."
"20, 000 years!?" Blackfire shouted "But I'm not even that friggin old!"
"Well I don't know why or how you're still alive my dear," the old man said "but you are indeed here and very much alive and as young as ever when you first visited us. You may call me the Old Councilman and I'd like to welcome you once more to Refus 12."
The revelation came as a shock to Blackfire, but of course knowledgable readers most likely would've guessed this plot twist in the story and therefore its somewhat hollow to them. This is another point where we must stress that you "Do Not Spazz Out" either over how ridiculous this plot may seem or over the fact it was so obvious. Unlike Blackfire who seem to be under a lot of stress over all this.
"Refus 12!" She said loudly, filling th chamber with her voice "How the hell am I back on Refus 12!?! It doesn't even look like Refus 12! How the hell could I have been gone for twenty thousand years!?! I left here a week ago!"
"Hmm," The Old Councilman said scratching his chin "Well that explains everything then."
"Not to me it doesn't!" Blackfire told him "Its not exactly normal to leave a planet only to come back and find out that 20, 000 years have passed since your last visit! How the friggin hell is that possible?!!"
"I got to agree with Blackfire here." Fletch said "I mean, sure time isn't the same everywhere else in the Galaxy or even on a single planet, but a twenty thousand year difference is...well mind boggling."
At this moment Blackfire began to hyper-ventilate, while repeating the Guide's friendly advice.
"Don't Spazz Out, Don't Spazz out, Don't Spazz..."
"Perhaps I should explain before she collapses." The old councilman said.
"Yes please." Fletch answered "We're both eager to hear it."
"Well," The old councilman began "not long after Blackfire left our planet was besieged by a large storm that was rather out of the ordinary. It came from space and descended on the planet in minutes. It was rather gastly. Many of us ran for cover as lighting and thunder pierced the now purple sky. It stopped as suddenly as it came, but for some weird reason the sky remained purple and we never understood why. It wasn't until decades later that we discovered the storm was not at all a natural occurence. It was in fact...chronitonic."
"Chrona-whata?" Blackfire asked confused, Fletch was not confused however.
"He means the storm was a Chroniton Storm." Fletch explained "The damn thing was basically a mix of violently unstable chronitons. Back on my planet these happened a lot. When a Chroniton Storm hit an area of the planet began to age rapidly, if you go caught in it you'd age or grow younger until you were a pile of bones or ceased to exist."
"So how did a chroniton storm happen here?" Blackfire asked
Fletch thought for a second and immedietly slapped his forehead
"That missile that we fired at the Megador," he recounted "it must've flew up into the atomsphere and exploded. It would've sent a large amount of Chronitons flying in all direction, all of them incredibly unstable. One group must've found its way here. The storm must've mixed with the unique atmoshpere of the planet and caused the change in the sky's color."
"That is what our scientists assumed." The old councilman told them "And because of that, the chronitons stayed in our atmosphere for for many more years before they finally pittled out. Meaning our planet's time development sped up. What seemed like a week to you was 20, 000 years to us."
"This is really giving me a headache." Blackfire said shaking her head
"He you weren't the one stuck on a planet rapidly evolving under our very noses while the rest of the galaxy stayed the same."
"So does that mean its gonna be a thousand years when I leave this place then?" Blackfire asked
"No, not at all." The old councilman explained "A few days ago the sky returned to its natural state it was 20, 000 years ago. Now that its no longer purple we believe that means we're finally back to normal speed with the rest of the galaxy."
"Well that explains the where, when and how of all this," Blackfire said "but it doesn't explain the why. Why is there a giant statue of me throwing a man across the planet?"
The old councilman smiled
"Well that is a far more interesting story," he said "one thats been passed down generation after generation and is the very basis of our society."
"Great," Blackfire said "mind telling it?"
"Oh yes of course," the old councilman said "well you see our people have only ever faced two blights, the first one back in the era of the Refus' refugee planet status days. That on being the blight of the Bureacrats."
"Oh yeah them." Blackfire said, being reminded of the stupid pencil pushers. "Those guys were assholes."
"Yes they were," the old councilman said "and looking back on it we don't know why we tolerated them. We let them run every aspect of our lives, our food, our water, our shelter, and had to wait years to ask permission to leave this refugee world. Until one day someone showed up who decided they were not going to waste sixty years waiting for a paper to pass through their offices so they could leave. That person was you Blackfire."
Well thanks for the help Refugees. If you need me I'll be planning my escape thank you.
"You know when I hear it from this perspective I can't help but think I was little rude there." Blackfire comented on hearing her voice verberate through the chamber. "How are you doing that anyway?"
"Would you beleive a 20, 000 year old tape recording?" The old councilman asked
"That'll do." blackfire commented
"Anyway," the old councilman continued "unlike the rest of us who just stood in line like idiots you butted to the front of the line and confronted the bureaucrat at that booth. Not caring about his rules you beat him to a pulp."
You need to fill out the proper form to institute violence against a member of the Intergalactic Bureaucracy!
"Throwing him aside and stealing his ship made you the first person to escape the planet without attempting to go through the proper paper work." The old councilman explained "And the bureaucrat you threw refused to sign the forms that would approve the signing of the forms that would approve going after you until he got a new pencil which was broken when he was thrown by you. So he sent forms to order the form to order a new pencil to be delivered to him so he could sign your pursue paper to be...well you get the picture."
"Indeed." Blackfire said rolling her eyes
The old councilman continued
"We suddenly realised that just because the bureaucrats were more powerful then us it didn't mean we had to take orders from a bunch of idiots like them. So one night we all banded together and decided to end their rule once and for all.
Death to the pencil pushers!
You must sign the proper forms in order to throw the first punch.
"SMACK"
Grab his legs! Hold him down while we kick him in the stomach!
"After we defeated them we set the bereaucrats to work on making a giant statue in your honor." The old councilman explained "When it was compelte we loaded them a giant ship and blasted them away from the planet. Effectively we had banished them from Refus 12."
"Kinda ironic huh?" Blackfire asked jokingly
"Well duh!" Fletch responded
"Since then we've built a pristine society, a sorta utopia of sorts." The old councilman continued "We established our own form of government, economy system and even a well armed milita. We've been living in perfect harmony ever since."
"So you've had no wars or anything at all?" Blackfire asked
"Well unfortunately no." The old councilman explained "You seven thousand years ago we encountered the second blight. We found that the bureaucrats had lauched a weapon on our planet. I'm amazed they managed to file all the proper paper work for it in time. Anyway it was basically was a transport ship that contained an army of crinimals and other undesirables. Complete opposites of the bureaucrats, unordarily and uncoordinated. Apparently they were trying to figure what to do with them all for awhile. Must've found a form that approved for them all to be shipped to another planet.
"What happened?" Blackfire asked
We managed to fight them back an launch an atomic missile at them," The old councilman explained "however it just mutated them all into mutants and they've been patrolling the area outside the wall ever since. There are incursions now an then, but they never get around to doing anything devatating. also they've developed blisters and have horrible limps. Makes rush attacks ineffective and thats all they're really good at."
"So you guys are basically stuck in you own city now huh?" Blackfire said "Well that blows."
"Actually we don't mind." the old councilman explained "If it weren't for the mutant raiders this place would be too bloddy perfect."
"What's wrong with that?" Blackfire asked
"There's no such thing as perfect Blackfire of Tamaran." The old councilman explained "This utopian city you see came from years of hard work and sacrafice on everyone's part. Some people didn't like it and they complained. There were arguments and debates all throughout the years on how we should go about building this society. The only reason we didn't resort to war was because we all remembered what got us here in the first place."
"That you were all kicked out of your previous homes." Said Blackfire "Well I suppose being poor does make you have a common bond with other poo people. I wouldn't know I've rich most of my life."
"Ahem." The old councilman said
"Oh sorry was I babbiling there?" Blackfire asked
"Yes you were, can I please continue with my point?"
"By all means." Blackfire told him
"As I was saying" The old councilman said "Our planet is now inhabited by many races from across the galaxy and everyone only gets along because we've never forgotten who we are or how we've gotten here. And there have always been a few assholes here and there, but hey we just let it go."
"What if they just don't shut up?" Blackfire asked
"Well we usually call them trolls and ban them from any more debate sessions." The old councilman explained
"That would work, did back on Evolt Tion." Fletch nodded "The elders back home just about banned everyone though."
"We rarely get pissed at each other and we've basically all decided that we agree to disagree and accept that in difference we are all the same." The old councilman explained "That way, debates don't turn into mud sling fest where everyone on one side calls the other a Nazi or a Communist or a pinko or anything like that. The mutant raiders just made us understand that even more. Nothing is ever perfect."
Blackfire tried to soak in what the councilman was trying to tell her. It only took a minute to fully understand.
"So, you're saying that no society is perfect, everyone has their problems." Blackfire said "The important thing is how you resolve the problems, not on who is right or wrong?"
"Meh, good enough answer for me." The old councilman said.
"Just one last question though." Blackfire stated "How exactly did you get that statue of the man to stay in the air."
"Because its artistically correct of course." The old councilman explained "That simple really. The laws of gravity are not as absolute as you'd think they were."
"So it stays in the air cause its artistically showing me throwing someone?" Blackfire asked
"Pretty much, really its better not to worry about it." The old councilman explained "We stopped caring right after we built it."
Blackfire sighed
"Yeah," she said "I suppose it isn't that big a deal anyway."
"Well Blackfire of Tamaran," the old councilman said shaking her hand "You cannot imagine the debt of graditude we owe to you. You were the one who showed us not to take crap from stupid individuals liek the Interglactic Bureaucracy. Thanks to you we've turned froma third world mud ball in semi-prestine paradise."
"Well glad to hear I did something good for once." Blackfire said, and a second after saying this she realised something "Hey! I did something good! I got an entire planet of people to rise up against a bad system with one simple act of thinking for myself!"
Defiantly pointing towards the heavens Blackfire shook her fist
"You hear that sis!?" she bellowed "I saved a whole damn planet from a bureacratic dictatorship! Whose laughing now bitch!?"
"Good to see you so happy Blackfire." Fletch told her
"Yeah well after having a crappy week this is sorta refreshing." she said "I guess somethings happen for a reason. There really was no reason to Spazz out. Just like the guide said."
The old councilman nodded with a smile
"And now let us repay our debt to you Blackfire of Tamaran." the old councilman said "Is there anything we can do for you?"
Blackfire thought it over a bit.
"Well I need a lift to Earth actually." she told them
"Oh is that all then?" The old councilman asked, Blackfire nodded and he motioned her to a small pad at the back of the room. "We can get you to Earth in an instant with this. Its a transmat we've been developing for a few months. They can instantly transport you to anywhere you wish to go with just a slight thought. We just use them to cross town. You can use it to visit Earth."
"Really?" Blackfire said astonished "Does it work that well?"
"Well its still in development for long distance travel," the old councilman said "but I'm sure it will work."
"Better then trusting my fate to a crap spaceship." Blackfire said, she then looked at Fletch "Come on Fletch lets go."
"Nah," he said "I think I'd rather stay here really."
"Why?" Blackfire asked
"Its a freakin paradise Blackfire!" He pointed out to her "Hell, why would I want to leave? Besides, Earth seems primative compared to all this cool techno stuff lying around here. You understand right?"
"Yeah you're a geek." Blackfire told him
"And proud of it too." Fletch exclaimed
"Well I hope you're happy here," She told him "but for me, I jsut want to go to Earth. This journey has been a severe drain. I primative planet like Earth sounds more relaxing to me then a utopian paradise."
"As long as you think its best I have no problem with that." Fletch told her
"Don't get touchy feely we've only known each other for like three days." Blackfire told him "Besides, if I ever get the chance to drop by here again I'll be sure to look you up."
"We both know you won't come back here." He told her
"Yeah," Blackfire admited "but give me a break here. I've had to go through bureucrats, homophobic aliens, a left/right wing planet at war and a planet with a time crisis problem. I just wanna lay off the adventuring okay?"
"Suits me." Fletch shrugged.
Blackfire stepped on the pad as it began to power up.
"Well I guess this is good bye then huh Fletch?" she said
"See you in the funny paper Blackie." He waved
"Goodbye Blackfire of Tamaran," The old councilman said "And remember, just because the universe is full of idiots doesn't mean its entirely run by them."
And with a flash of light Blackfire was gone.
With another flash of light Blackfire appeared just a few meters above Earth's surface. Floating down to ground she landed peacefully on a rooftop overlooking a big city and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Finally, Earth." she said "no more galaxy treking."
Blackfire took out the Guide and look at it
"Thanks to you guide I've managed to understand the universe." she said "Now I know why you have the words 'Don't Spazz Out' on your cover. I shouldn't get so frustrated about my place in this galaxy. Everything happens for a reason and it usually turns out okay. I feel much better now then I did a week ago. I'm gonna keep you to remind me of that valuable lesson, and to remind of how messed up the universe really is."
The book of course said nothing because it was not asked a particular question
"I just have one last question for now." Blackfire said before clearing her throat "What do you have to say about Tamaran."
With a beep the guide flashed to a picture of Blackfire planet
Tamaran is a planet that has unfortunately been attacked several times over its existing, its apparently a planet that anyone who wants to become a war faring planet or go to war at any point they must first drop at least one bomb on the surface.
"That why we have so many craters." Blackfire said "Lucky us there isn't much to actually bomb."
Tamaranians usually keep to themselves but when they're prevoked they will usually start attacking the prevoking party at once. They're a decent bunch of aliens however just unfortunately rather spiteful of the rest of the Galaxy.
The Tamaranians are also very in touch with their emotions and will not hesistate to express them fully in any situation. A vocal people who speak their mind and do not accept being pushed around by others they are considered, by this guide at least, one of the most unscrewed up race in the Galaxy. Its not exactly a large running, but its something.
Tamaran is not exactly a looker of a planet, but many people like its desolate nature because it means most of the land is cheap and its easy to purchase a summer home there.
"Our main source of Economy actually." Blackfire said "Next to our various produce that most of the glaxy considers a barbaric delicacy."
Tamaran is ruled by a Grand Ruler who makes all of the decisions for the people. Essentially an emperor or monarch, but usually less tyrannical.
Blackfire grew a little embarrased at that statement.
If you enocunter a Tamaran the best course of action is to just be friendly and do not say words like Troq or Troqqy to them because they are offensive and not to mention they would beat you down within seconds. You do not want to piss off a Tamaranian.
"Damn Straight." Blackfire added
Finally, if you wish to have any form of affection with a Tamaranian of the opposite sex without having to go into a relationship with them the best way is to speak another language. Because Tamaranians can instantly learn other languages through lip contact it means most of them kiss the first non-Tamaranian speaking person they meet.
"We make a lot of friends through that lip contact thing." Blackfire smiled "Especially nerdy aliens, man do they go for it."
This has at times led toa form of confusion with people whoa re not knowledgable of this ability of Tamaranians. During their acceptance into the Galactic Federation, the female Tamaranian amabassador kissed the at time all male delegation of the Federation that were present. This confused some of the people in the room, including the then President of the Federation who asked the Tamaranian Ambassador to cease her actions and if she'd like to go back to his quarters. The Ambassador declined and sat back down. The rejection pained the Galactic president so much that he died a lonely and broken man.
"We have that effect on people." Blackfire said smiling slyly.
When it was done, Blackfire put the guide back in her sack.
"Now I might as well start building a new life here on Earth then." She thought "Better get some kind of job. Hopefully it pays high. Super model will do I think."
A newspaper floated up to her and she grabbed it. opening it up she found a large want add on the front of it.
"Hiring," she read "one good looking hot chick to play as a Vietnamese girl in a parody of Rambo. For more information call this number and ask for General Rage."
Blackfire closed the paper
"Hmm, an acting gig." she thought "Always did like show bussiness. Wonder why a director is making the film. Meh, whatever, he sounds cute. And making a film should be fun. something to take my mind off this whole damn Galactic quest thing. Look out Earth, Blackfire is back! And she's ready to show this puny planet and its ape inhabitants what she can do! I hope my sister isn't connected to this movie."
And so end this tale of "The Exiled Ruler's Guide to the Galaxy." At this point Blackfire's next step is covered in another Fanfic story entitled, Teen Titans in Movie Parodies from Hell. Because of this our story ends and a new one begins, as every story does. As for the guide in its closing statement to the reader in the epilogue it states something somewhat smiliar.
"Thank you for reading our book. Please wait for the next update as soon as possible. Until then we hope you're travels are plesant and devoid of life threating situations. And remember, do not spazz out."
There are more tales of the guide's many users, but for now we close our story with the traditional mark of completion that you can find in most tales of this nature, the time worn phrase of a final draft...
The End