Realization

Next morning, Ruka got ready. He needed to fix his screw up. He needed apologize to his friends. He turned on his phone. He sent a text to Mikan to meet him before class. He was not ready to face Natsume yet.

Ruka decided to meet Mikan at the common room. No one comes here in the morning.

He waited for her patiently. His thoughts were calmed and collected. He went through what he would say to her hundred times last night.

"Good morning" Mikan greeted the guy leaning on a table as she entered the room.

"Good morning." Ruka smiled drily.

"You okay?" Mikan looked concern. Ruka looked so lifeless.

"Yeah, fine. How are you?" Ruka tried to act like his usual self. Smiling a bit more.

"I'm fine. Did you wanted to see me because of the break up?" Mikan asked suspiciously. "I'm absolutely fine. I'm not a baby." Mikan huffed.

"What breakup?" Ruka forgot to breath. Expecting the worst in a flash.

"You don't know? Natsume and I broke up yesterday." Mikan sat beside him. Surprised that Natsume didn't tell him.

"Why?" Ruka prayed, the reason wasn't because of what he did, right?

"There is someone else... forget about it. It doesn't matter. So what did you wanna talk about?" she ignored the topic trying not to say anymore. She promised Natsume she wouldn't say anything to Ruka.

Ruka squeezed his eyes shut and tried to steady himself. He felt like breaking everything in sight.

Someone else? Is it me? Of course it is. They broke up because of me.

Mikan's eyes fell on his bruised hand. "What happened?" She held the bruised hand carefully "Were you in a accident?" She looked up to him as there was no reply.

She saw the angered saddened look in the blond's face.

"What's wrong?" Mikan touched Ruka's face softly. Ruka turned the other way to hide his face. Tears stung his eyes. His throat clenched.

"I'm the worst friend ever. I'm sorry I betrayed my friends."

"What are you talking about? You didn't do anything wrong. You are the most gentle and loving guy I know." Mikan said in shock. She felt sad seeing her friend like this.

"I'm really sorry." Ruka stood up. He left the room. Mikan called him and even tried to follow but he dashed out of there.

He needed to step aside from Natsume and Mikan's life. He screwed up really badly but now he had to fix it.

Natsume woke up early that day. He barely slept. He came to the class earlier to see if Ruka came. He didn't yet but Ruka never missed his classes. Natsume waited outside the classroom. Brows tensed. Minutes passed by.

The teacher entered the class. Natsume turned his heels. No point in wasting his time when he should be looking for Ruka.

"Natsume, wait up!" Mikan ran towards him.

Natsume turned around. "Hey. Teacher is already in the class." he said while Mikan caught her breath.

"Forget that. Did you talk to Ruka?"

"No I couldn't find him anywhere. His phone is switched off and he's not in his room. I didn't meet him once after we came back from the club!" Natsume's brows tensed again.

"Well, I just met him. He acted..."

"Is he alright?!" Mikan was cut off. Natsume shook her by her shoulders.

"Yeah he is, anyway he acted so weird. You should find him and talk to him. I tried to but he just took off saying sorry. He said nothing more. I have a bad feeling about this. He seemed like he was suffering." Mikan explained.

"Where did he go?" Natsume's eyes were determined.

"I dunno, sorry. Just go find him." Mikan looked concerned.

"Yeah." Natsume didn't waste another second. Mikan saw him going, to chase down Ruka. She sighed. She hoped they could resolve whatever they were going through.

Natsume started looking for Ruka everywhere he possibly could be. Since he at least knew Ruka was alright he felt like a heavy weight was lifted from his soul.

He couldn't find him. It had been like 3 hours running around in circle. He wanted to shoot himself in frustration. Suddenly something came to his mind.

NatsumeXRuka fanclub! Yes! They might know something.

Natsume hated that damn Sumire for being nosy but he would put up with her any day for the sake of Ruka.

Natsume barged through the door of the fan club, panting. Members looked at the intruder and gasped. One of their idols came to their club. Never in a million years they thought the day would come.

Natsume's eyes scanned quickly.

"Where's your president?" Natsume was caught a bit off guard seeing some boys there too.

Wait, guys ship us too?

"She should've been here by now." A girl in pink hair said. "Oh there she is." She pointed at the door.

"Woah, Natsume! Is it really you in our club?!" Sumire squealed.

"Yeah, cut the crap. I need to talk to you. Come with me." Natsume walked out of the room.

"Hai!~" she followed like a happy puppy.

"Do you know where Ruka is?" Natsume spoke up as soon as he felt no one could hear them.

"Ah.. No. Why?" Natsume's hope crushed. He was sure permy could help.

"I can't find him, alright. He didn't contact me from yesterday. He didn't came to class either. So if you get to know where he is, inform me." Natsume slowly started to walk away.

Damn you Ruka. Stop playing hide and seek.

"Natsume, wait. You do know he changed his courses to another schedule, right?" Sumire crooked a brow.

"What? He what?!" Natsume lashed out on permy. He felt his heart crumbled into nothing. She did not mind his tone.

"He changed his courses to another schedule and to another section. We were all surprised. We thought you knew." Sumire looked at Natsume with a questioned look.

He calmed his breath. Anger crawled under every inch of his skin. He was mad at himself for failing to do anything and also at Ruka for being that stupid.

"Thanks." He muttered and started walking. Shoulders slumped in complete defeat.

Natsume walked back to his room. He felt exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. Inside his chest something felt so tight he felt hard to breath. He fell on his bed. He wanted quit everything and go back two days ago. He did not want this shit. He called Ruka.

Disconnected.

You're such an idiot. I screwed up. At least let me apologize. You're so disgusted with me that you changed your schedule. I'm sorry. Come back to me please. I hate this.

Natsume was waken up by his phone. He didn't know when he fell asleep.

"Hello." he answered with his eyes closed. Still half asleep.

"Natsume, can you meet me?"

"Ruka!" Natsume jumped off the bed. Eyes opened wide. Heart pounded. Sleep was long gone. "Sure! Where are you?"

"I'm at the café. Meet me here."

"Right. I'll be there in like ten minutes."

It was almost 5 pm. Sun shined bright but the heat was pleasant. Natsume walked towards the shop. Anything was great to Natsume right then. He was about to see Ruka and straiten this mess. He couldn't wait to hug Ruka. He felt nervous as well. Blushed a little too, he was intimated with the guy drunk or whatever.

Natsume entered the café pushing the glass door. He looked to his right then to his left. His heart leaped in warmth of happiness as soon as saw the blond. He quickly walked towards Ruka. He noticed how pale and tired Ruka looked.

"Hey." Natsume said softly. Ruka looked up. His eyes looked somehow hollow to Natsume. Natsume's smile was wiped as he started to get worried. He sat down in front of Ruka.

"How are you?" Natsume hid the urge to touch Ruka's face. He would not hesitate before but now things were just messed up. His eyes fell on Ruka's chapped lips. He wanted to plant a soft kiss on those red lips. He sighed as he diverted his eyes to the ocean blue eyes.

"Fine." Ruka said quietly.

There was silence for a couple of second. Both just stared at each other.

What are you thinking, Ruka?

"It's going to be hard for me to say. I've never thought things will turn out like this." Ruka broke the eye contact.

Natsume cringed a bit in pain.

Of course he didn't ever think of making out with me. Of course not.

"Let's just pretend that never happened. I mean it was a drunken mistake, right?" the blond bite his lips to control his despairingness from slipping out.

Please tell me it's not, Natsume. Please. God damn it, damn, damn! I'm being hopeful! Ruka gulped down his wish. It was simply an impossible wish.

Forget? How can I forget that when all I wanna do is pin you down from the moment I've seen you? Drunken mistake? I'm not drunk now yet I wanna do all those stuffs all over again. I wanna be with you. Fuck my life! Natsume screamed in his head.

Natsume stayed quiet outside. So Ruka continued.

"We should stop being friends. It's already ruined anyway." Ruka bit down harder on his lips hard as his throat clenched. He did not want to cry in public. Specially in front of Natsume. He has caused enough trouble for the fire caster.

I ruined it! If I controlled my feeling like I did for last four years I could still be with you at least as your friend. Ruka thought as his heart felt so helpless. He felt so needy. He felt his heart being overwhelmed by pain.

"What?" Natsume stared in disbelief. He knew he screwed up. But he never thought Ruka was so mad at him that Ruka would stop being his friend. He never thought this was beyond repairable.

"I gotta go." Ruka stood up. He might break out in tears if he stayed any longer.

"You're not even going to listen to me?" Natsume stood up instantly and caught Ruka's arm when he started to walk.

Listen to what? Listen to how you were disgusted by that night? How your relationship ended for that? How much you hate me? I can't! Because I love you so much and always will! This is the hardest thing I've ever done! I will kill myself if I hear you say you hate me!

"Save it. I don't have time for this." Ruka shoved Natsume and quickly ran away. Natsume stood there in shock. He couldn't believe what just happened.

Natsume came back to his room. He locked his door and leaned against it. Eyes closed. Heart was sinking with pain.

It hurts! It hurts so bad!

Natsume opened his eyes. Something warm crawled down his cheeks. He touched his face and felt the wetness. He was crying without his realization. Before he registered anything else he started to sob. He felt the world disappeared. He felt his was falling down an endless dark tunnel and his heart was sinking deeper than that. His body shook uncontrollably with each sob.

"Why do you have to go away? I can't bear this. Goddamn it, I am in love with you and you are going away!" Natsume screamed as he pushed the glass table in front of his couch shattering it into pieces.

Natsume covered his mouth in disbelief. The tears in his eyes dripped down.

I am in love with him. In love? I don't just love him! Goddamn it! I'm so fucking in love with him!

A/N: Thanks for reading. Please review ^_^