"Ron, I have to say you look a little nervous tonight," Logan said as straightened his tie in the mirror.
"Well, kinda," Ron replied as he fidgeted with his shirt buttons at the adjacent bathroom sink, "this is sort of my last shot with a ba ... I mean, lady that Tara can set me up with. If I muck it up …"
"Nah, you'll be fine," Logan said confidently as he wetted his hair and checked for anything in his teeth.
"But, what if I forget my training?"
"Do you really think you'll manage to forget all of that etiquette, mannerisms and elegance training Tara found for you online?"
"Oh how could I forget all that," Ron replied with an eyeroll. " I nearly did a curtsey at the Synagogue last weekend."
"Hmm, that could have been awkward. At least you caught yourself before you did," Logan replied as he picked something out of his front teeth. "Besides, you know Tara's only looking out for you and trying to help."
"I know, I just don't want to embarrass you all or to disappoint Tara …"
"Well, if it doesn't work out there are still plenty of fish in the sea. But hey, don't diss it before anything happens. All we are doing is going out for some dinner and then going out to a concert which requires you only to sit quietly and listen to music with an occasional clap. And if things start to get a bit awkward or go downhill we'll be there to bail you out," Logan assured. "As for Tara being disappointed in you, I don't think you could do that, the fact that you've spent all this time in an attempt to better yourself I can tell you already has gone beyond impressing her."
"You're a lucky guy, Logan," Ron sighed.
"Hang in there bud, this isn't your first rodeo."
"I guess so," Ron responded.
"Wait, do you have your wallet?"
"Yep," Ron answered as he tapped his side pocket.
"And Rufus?"
"Back home with Hana."
"And your coupon book?"
"Coupon book?"
"Perfect!" Logan said as he mentally struck off three potential hazards of his friend. "How about we go pick up the ladies?"
Ron concurred and the two left the dorm bathroom and headed out Logans truck to pick up their dates.
"So, um … what can you tell me about my date?" Ron inquired.
"Stacey? Hmmm, well the first thing you'll notice about her is her accent. She's originally from Vancouver, Canada so she's got that cute 'aboot' 'agaynst' accent going on. She's quite the outdoorsy type … not like 'bathe twice a year, shave once a year' kind of outdoorsy, but she likes trail running, biking, mountain climbing, things like that. Probably a hockey fan. I want to say that she's kind of a foodie if I recall, so you're culinary arts education could be a good ice breaker."
"Really?" Ron perked up. "She sounds like she has potential."
"It's possible, errr … I mean um, yeah lots of potential," Logan replied realizing the poor choice in words.
"Anything else?" Ron asked seeming more and more interested in Stacey.
"I think she's doing pre-med. Other than being one of Tara's floormates I'm not really sure. But hey, if I knew everything about her, you'd have nothing to talk about right?"
"Well, we're here," Logan replied as he pulled into a parking spot outside of Tara's dorm. "Tell me sir, what do we do now?" Logan quizzed.
"Um, I guess we should go get the ladies, escort them to the truck and help them get inside?"
"Sounds like a plan to me," Logan agreed as he shifted the car into park. "Lets go get our dates."
Ron and Logan hopped out of the truck and headed towards the dorm, dressed to the nines and turning heads of coeds who were sitting on the front lawn. As they got near the entrance they saw Tara pacing back and forth and rubbing her hands in a nervous manner … alone.
"Uh oh," Logan muttered as he caught sight of his girlfriend. "Something's up."
"Logan!" Tara greeted in a shaky voice as she ran up to give him a hug and a kiss.
"Hello sweetheart," he said as he returned the favor.
"Aren't you looking rico suave tonight," the blonde said as she inspected her boyfriend's semi-formal attire, "and, Ron, you appear to clean up rather well yourself," she said with a wink.
"And I must say you are quite stunning in that dress," Ron responded as he fully switched into sophistication mode. "Logan, I truly envy you. I'm assuming Stacey is still getting ready?"
"Um, yeah, uh …" Tara replied shifting her eyes back and forth nervously between Ron and Logan. "Ron, we have a situation."
"A situation?" Ron's face began to drop.
"Well, um, Stacey has been in bed all day with a migraine." Tara cringed. "I'm sorry, she's not…"
"Oh …" Ron digressed.
"But hey," she continued. "I, um, called an audible and managed to get you a backup, her roommate."
"Laura?"
"No...the other roommate."
"Eleanor?" Logan questioned in an unsure tone.
"Yes...Eleanor," Tara replied with a scowl. "She'll be down in a couple of minutes."
"Eleanor?" Logan said again before being silenced by an elbow into his side by his girlfriend.
"Look, Ron, I know it's not what you were expecting, and I owe you a major solid for this, but we can still have a good time right?"
"I, guess," a confused and disappointed Ron answered. "What's Eleanor like?"
"Well um, she's … nice? She's a med student, she's from New York City, um she's fr ..."
"She's right 'heah!" a deep raspy voice shouted in what sounded like a Brooklyn accent.
The trio turned around and before them stood Eleanor, a rather short and dowdy looking specimen of a person donned in what appeared to be an old Easter Sunday dress several years removed from its last wearing and long brown hair which was fixed in a manner resembling a small beehive.
"Eleanor, this is Ron; Ron this is Eleanor," Tara said as she nervously introduced them to each other.
"It's a pleasure to meet you Eleanor," Ron politely nodded as he remembered his training. "May I take your hand and escort you to the car?"
"Youse said he was a football player," the little troll grilled Tara.
"Um, he is … well, was," Tara replied visibly sweating now. "Ron played as a quarterback and running back at our high school."
"Musta been a real 'chitty football team if this is what the rest of the team looked like."
"Eleanor, that's rude! In fact the Middleton Mad Dogs won the conference championship our senior year," Tara shot back, now with a completely blushing face. "Ron was also one of the people who saved the world from the alien inva ..."
"Yeeah, yeeah, that's nice; save it for dinner. We needs 'ta hurry it up and eat or else I'm gonna get gas midway through this concert. I can be a reals trumpet if I don't eat before eight.," Eleanor announced proudly as she started to head towards the car. "Come one Blondie, that means you!"
Stunned, Ron turned to Tara motioning that he had no clue what to do in this situation. Tara, still red with embarrassment just stared back at Ron with an open mouth of astonishment and shrugged her shoulders with no idea what to do.
"I am so sorry Ron," she managed to get out. "I owe you big for this."
Later that evening, the quartet arrived at Schooley's, an semi-upscale restaurant which was a favorite date spot of Tara and Logan. She often mentioned it to Ron in their emails, especially when it came to their menu which she came to appreciate even more after Ron educated her on various cuisines through his schooling. Logan checked with the greeter about reservations and then they were escorted back to a table. Ron's attempts at chivalry became increasingly an exercise in futility as his date refused help out of the truck, entered the restaurant through a door which he was not holding open for her, nor would she allow him to pull her chair out to seat once they reached their table.
Once seated, there was several minutes of awkward silence between the two "couples." Tara now realised that the audible she pulled on her friend was a huge mistake and decided to try to break the ice by starting up a conversation.
"So, Eleanor, have you tried that new sushi place they put in the Student Union?" she asked as she started to eat a dinner roll.
"No," Eleanor replied bruntly.
…
"Okay, well how about that new wrap business across from the College of Business? I thought about maybe checking it out next week.
"No."
…
"Well, did you know that Ron here is studying culinary arts?" Tara was grasping for straws to jump start a conversation.
"Really? I wouldn't have guessed youse would be into that sophisticated cooking crap," the frumpy date said as she turned to Ron with a suspiciously raised eyebrow. "You look more like the guys down at that dive on the north side of campus."
"Now that's not a nice thing to say Eleanor!" Tara scolded. "Ron may not look like a world-class chef, but he's actually quite the amazing cook. I mean, for Logan's birthday he made this delicious asparagus tart which was incredible. And he really knows his international styles of cooking too."
"Yeah, yeah, sure," Eleanor replied unimpressed as she grabbed her own dinner roll from the basket.
"Now that is quite alright Tara," Ron responded in his proper tone. "It is a common misconception that being able to cook is similar to being a cook. Sure people can turn on a stove, boil water, cut vegetables, crack an egg, but it takes one with learned skills who can truly take those vegetables, eggs and water and create a masterpiece. It is no different than saying that you are a soldier because you can fire a gun, or to call yourself a graphic artist because you can write text on an image."
"Wow, Ron, you put that so elegantly," Tara said through an impressed smile as she watched her friend hold his own.
"So, Eleanor, what are you studying to be?" Ron asked.
"Pre-med," she barked.
"So you're going to be a doctor? Like a surgeon or a cardiologist?"
"No like a proctologist," she proudly answered.
"A, proctologist … that's like the study of, um …"
"The colon."
"The colon? Well that's, not exactly what I was expecting." Ron shrugged. "How does one decide that they want to become a proctologist?"
"Welp, my father is a proctologist, and his father was a proctologist, so it's a bit of a family legacy," she replied waving her dinner roll. "But in all honesty, I figured if youse going to have to work with a bunch of a-holes in your profession, why not work with the real thing?" she announced loud enough for half of the restaurant to hear before breaking out in a cackle.
"Eleanor!" Tara scolded. "That's not appropriate behavior here! You're going to get us kicked out!"
"Ah, lighten up sweetie, it was just a joke. A little proctology humor," she said as she bit into her roll.
"Well, I suppose it's an admirable profession," Ron managed to reply, trying hard to keep his cool.
"It's a dirty job, but someones gots to do it." She winked as she elbowed Ron in the side again implying more proctology humor before changing the subject.
"What's that place called over there Tara? Bueno Nacho?" Eleanor asked recalling the earlier topic.
"Hey now!" Ron interjected with the honor of his beloved hangout's reputation being threatened. "Bueno Nacho may not be in possession of any Michelin Stars, but it's a well-respected eating establishment in these parts."
"Yeah, these parts," she replied grabbing her round belly and then proceeding to stand up and grab her posterior with a slight gyration.
"Oh, dear God," Tara moaned as she slapped her forehead with her hand.
"Now Eleanor, I'll have you know that the Bueno Nacho menu is one of the healthiest in the fast food industry," Ron politely shot back.
"Are youse a fast food expert or something now?"
"Actually, Eleanor, Ron here invented the Naco for them," Logan injected as he decided to join into the conversation, desperately trying to right the ship.
"The Naco? Isn't that the 'coronary in a tortilla' thing that Stacey's always eating?"
"That would be it," Tara concurred with an eyeroll.
"But I made a lot of money off of that coronary in a tortilla," Ron replied semi-offended.
"Is dat right? So you're rich?" perked up Eleanor.
"Well, not exactly. A lot of my royalties got stolen and then there's the …"
"Yeah, yeah, figgyaz," she said losing interest and went back to eating her roll.
"Hello everyone and welcome to Schooley's, are you ready to place your orders?" a waitress said as she strolled up to the table.
"Oh, God yes, yes we are!" Tara blurted out ecstatically as she saw an out to the conversation.
"Alright then, lets start with the ladies," the waitress replied looking at the sweating blonde.
"Well, um … it's been a while since I've had any seafood and I saw that you had some specials on it tonight. Ron, what would you suggest between the salmon and the trout?" Tara asked in an attempt to let her friend show off her culinary knowledge.
"Hmmm, well it really depends on your taste," Ron stated. "Personally, I prefer the salmon because it has a sweeter, fuller flavor than trout, plus it has a nicer body and texture."
"Mmmmm, sounds good. And what would you suggest as a pairing?"
"Well," Ron said as he glanced at the side items portion of the menu, "if it were me, I'd go with the grilled zucchini and couscous and garnished with a lemon."
"We can do that," the waitress replied to their conversation.
"Okay, we'll go with that."
"Excellent choice madame, and I have to say your knowledge is pretty impressive sir," she said as she winked at Ron. "And for you Miss?"
"Yeah, I'll have the fillet mignon, medium rare with a side of broccoli. And be sure to lose the bacon."
"No bacon?" the waitress asked.
"Nah. Jewish," Eleanor confirmed.
"Okay, and for the gentlemen?"
"I'll take a porterhouse, medium well with a side of mashed potatoes and carrots," Logan confidently ordered.
"And for you?"
"Welp," Ron began deep in thought. "I will take the sauteed Chilean sea bass with a side of watercress and shiitake mushrooms."
"Excellent choice again, Sir. You should ask the matricide on your way out if we're hiring," she said as she headed back to the kitchen with the group's orders.
Once the waitress left, the awkwardness returned to the table.
"So, Eleanor, you're Jewish?" Logan said breaking the silence.
"Yeah."
"You know, Ron's Jewish too," he continued in an attempt to capitalize on the commonality.
"That so?" she turned to her date somewhat intrigued at the revelation.
"Um, Yeah, a lot of people don't know that about me," Ron replied shyly. "Even though back in high school I did an entire presentation on it. I guess a lot of people didn't pay attention during it or forgot about it because everyone acts in shock when they see with a yarmulke on after Temple."
"I see. Interesting," she replied with an observant squint.
"H-how is that interesting?"
"Because Jewish people, especially those who are Ashkenazi, are highly prone to having Crohn's disease," Eleanor said with a renewed interest in her date. "Tell me when was the last time you had a sigmoidoscopy?"
"Oh. My. God," Tara let out as she flopped her head on Logan's shoulder in agony.
- LATER THAT EVENING, AFTER THE CONCERT
"Okay so why was there only one guy playing the oboe again?" Ron inquired as he sat in the back of Logan's cab.
"Because the rest of the orchestra tunes itself to it," Logan replied. "Oboes are notoriously difficult to tune so it's just easier for the rest of the instruments to tune to it rather than have it the other way around."
"That and it's the instrument most likely to stay in tune," Eleanor added.
"Yep, what she said. Part of it is just tradition too."
"I've got to say Logan, I kind of thought classical music was a little lame-o, but tonight really changed my opinion of it."
"Well, this was technically orchestra," Logan remarked. "I wouldn't call the theme to 'The Fearless Ferret' and the 'Old Wooded Swamp' theme from Everquest as being classical."
"Not yet," Ron replied as his inner mark began to take hold. "How's that headache of yours fairing there Tara?"
"Ungh …" an exhausted Tara moaned. "I'll make it, it's just a migraine."
"Migraines might be a sign of bowel obstruction," Eleanor injected with a medical opinion. "Maybe you shoul…."
"I'm good, Eleanor, thank you," Tara shot back as she dug her fingers into her eye sockets begging for the night to end. "Are we back to campus yet?"
"Almost there sweetie," a loving Logan replied. "Just entered the south gate."
A few moments later Logan pulled his truck into a parking spot outside of Tara and Eleanor's residence hall and the four of them hopped out of the cab in almost a mutual sense of urgency to conclude the evening. Tara stumbled over to her boyfriend as he helped escort her to the front door while Eleanor didn't bother to wait on Ron and headed out on her own with Ron in tail.
"Thank you again for the evening Eleanor," Ron yelled from behind his date.
"Huh? Oh yeah. Thanks, it was … fun. I guess," Eleanor replied in a fake pleasantry.
"Maybe we could do it again sometime?" Ron followed up, not really meaning it, but just out of a courtesy.
"Listen Don."
"Ron."
"Whatever, look youse a nice guy …"
"But?" Ron asked with a raised eyebrow.
"But, I don't thinks it's going to work out betweens us," Eleanor said with a hint of apathy.
"Really? Well. That's too bad," Ron replied with fake disappointment.
"It's nothing personal, youse just too propa for me, too nice, too polite, 'tings like that."
"You don't want to see me again because I'm too polite?" Ron asked slightly insulted after all of his preparation.
"Youse needs to lighten up a bit. Don't take yourself too seriously. Dis isn't the friggin Tudors or anyting like 'dat. This is college," she said as she slid her college ID through a reader, unlocking the front door of the dorm. "And remembers, a healthy colon is the key to a happy life," she said as the door shut behind her.
"I'm too proper?!" Ron said to himself still perplexed by the twist of irony.
As Ron stood there, with his jaw hanging inches below his mouth and his eyebrows curled up in awe of what just occurred, Logan and Tara made their way to the door. Tara gave her boyfriend a big hug and a kiss goodnight and then told him that she needed to talk to Ron for a few minutes. Logan obliged and headed back to his truck to leave the two friends alone.
"Well, I uh ..." a guilt-ridden Tara began as she rubbed her aching forehead.
"I guess this kind of makes us even on the whole, giving friends bad date experiences huh?" Ron said lightening the mood.
"Yeah, I guess we could call it that," Tara replied. "Still Ron, I am so sorry for tonight, I…"
"Shhhh," Ron whispered. "In a few years, we'll look back and laugh about it."
"I know, but you put so much work into this night, all of the preparations, all of the etiquette, and then I pull a bait and switch on you and it's all for naught," she whimpered.
"Well, I wouldn't call it an entire waste. The concert was primo entertainment and I finally got to try out some sea bass," Ron replied, being ever the optimist. "And I'm sure I'll just use my training one someone else down the road. Preferably one who isn't infatuated on discussing private parts."
"Yeah, Eleanor's kind of rough around the edges. She doesn't get out much, as you could probably tell, and I'm sure she would never say it but she probably appreciated the effort."
"I dunno, she said I was 'too proper' for her," Ron replied with an eyeroll.
"I never said she had a way with words." Tara shrugged. "And I wouldn't take anything she said about you or your character to heart."
"Really?"
"Yes, really," she replied with a smirk. "And in my opinion, you handled yourself exceptionally well through the whole evening. And that you're a nice, kind, polite and proper young man any girl with a sound mind would be happy to have."
"Awh," shucked a flattered Ron. "You're just saying that because you spent all of that time with me doing the whole 'Rain in Spain falls mostly in the plains' stuff the last couple of weeks."
"I'm saying that because you're a good friend, and you made me proud tonight," Tara said as she gave small hug and an innocent peck on the cheek. "Your time will come." With that, she bid her friend good night as he held the door open for Tara and bid his friend a good night as she headed up to her room.
Ron stood for a moment as he watched the smiling blonde walk into the lobby elevator and disappear behind the stainless doors. Once she disappeared, he took a small sigh and headed back to meet up with Logan. The walk was more of a trudge as Ron began thinking about Tara. How they had grown close to each other and with her encouragement, support and genuine caring had filled some of the void which Kim had left.
From time to time he regretted missing the subtle hints she had tossed his way back in high school and wondered how different his life would have been if the two of them had ever hooked up. However, as always, Ron would snap out of it and realized that ship had sailed long ago and that the two of them would never get out of the friend zone. Tara had the man of her dreams and Ron had grown to be good friends with Logan as well and would never do something to compromise the friendship of two of his closest counterparts. They were kindred spirits and he was happy to settle with that.
As he continued his stroll back, his train of thought was broken by the sounds of a large thud combined with scrapping metal and something that sounded like a high pitched shrill of a female in distress coming from the green space which bordered the dorm. Quickly switching into Hero Mode, he ran towards the sounds, leaped over a hedge and after a brief slide down an embankment came across the mangled wreckage of a girl and her bicycle.
"Are you alright miss?" Ron asked as he worked to free the girl from underneath her ten speed.
"Yeah. I think so." The girl groaned as she managed to get to her feet and began brushing the dirt off her arms. "I think I hit a rock and it sent me flying over my handlebars."
"It's kinda dark out here to be riding a bike with no lights," Ron said as he dabbed the girl's bloody knee with a napkin he had his pocket.
"Yeah, I know," the girl replied in frustration. "I've been stuck in bed all afternoon with a wild migraine and thought maybe I could hop on my bike and grab a quick meal at the dining hall now that I was feeling better. I might have forgotten my head lamp in the process." She shrugged.
"Well how are you feeling now?" he asked as he lifted up her bike from the ground.
"Well, I think the headache is gone, but I'm not sure if it really is or if the pain from my scrapes are suppressing it. Talk aboot irony eh?" she replied tongue-in-cheek.
"Wait, aboot? eh?" Ron said.
"Eh?" She asked in confusion.
"That's Canadian talk."
"We call it English, but I guess so."
"Are you...Stacey?" Ron asked, believing that he may have just come across his original date.
"Yeah?" the girl replied awkwardly before putting two and two together. "Oh, Ron? Tara's friend?"
"Yes Ma'am, Ron Stoppable, pleased to meet you."
"Likewise," Stacey replied, a little awkwardly. "I, uh, I'm sorry for having to call a rain check on you earlier. I know it made Tara's hair a lighter shade of blonde when I told her I was feeling bad. I hope you understand."
"It's alright, Tara came through with a last minute substitution."
"Really?"
"Yeah, Eleanor."
"ELEANOR?!" Stacey gasped. "Oh boy, I. Am. So. Sorry. If I knew that she was going to set you up with that miserable bump on a log I would ha ..."
"Shhhhh," Ron cut off her apology politely. "It's alright, the date was … interesting to say the least, and I now know more about my body than I care to, but I chalked it up to a learning experience."
"Interesting is one way to describe her I guess," Stacey huffed. "If you think dating her is fun, try living with her."
"Roommates?"
"Suitemates, and that's bad enough." Stacey replied as she undid her chinstrap and removed her helmet, revealing a head of long black hair tied off in a ponytail which she finagled as she talked. "How long did it take for her to ask about your colon health?"
"Made it to appetizers." Ron cringed.
"Eh, that's a new record. The last guy we set her up with got it while they were shaking hands. Maybe she likes you." Stacey winked as she noticed the visible disdain on Ron's face regarding the topic.
"Nah, I'm not her type."
"Oh? That's too bad. I guess we won't be seeing you around the suite then eh?" she winked.
"Hey Ron! Is that you down there?" A voice shouted from the top of the hill. It was Logan, he must have started to wonder where his co-pilot had gone and went searching for him.
"Yeah, it's me. I'm almost done here helping Stacey here with her bike."
"Hi Logan," Stacey waved as the two were already acquainted with each other.
"Oh. Hey Stacey! How's the noggin?"
"It's much better now, but dontchaknow that I tried heading out to the food court to grab a bite to eat and I kinda found a rock instead. Ron here was helping me back up."
"Great to hear," Logan replied before suddenly sensing an opportunity to salvage the evening for Ron. "Hey Ron, take your time, Tara texted me and said she's got a virus or something on her computer, so I'm going to run up to her room to help clean it off her hard drive. So it might take 45 minutes to an hour to fix, are you in a rush to get home?"
"Um …." Ron pondered, not getting the blatant hint Logan was throwing at him until he turned to look at Stacey who had begun chaining her bike to a nearby bike rack. "Yeah, that's not a problem. Not at all 'Loge."
"Great, I'll text you when we're done, or you can text me when you're ready okay?" Logan replied in subtle hints as he headed back to the dorm.
"Got it," Ron shouted back before turning his attention to his new acquaintance. "So, um … it appears that my schedule for the next 45 minutes to an hour seem to be clear. Would you like to try to still get that meal you were after? My treat?"
Stacey responded with a slight grin on her busted lip. "I'd love to, but y'know the food court is probably closed now. I thought I could make it on the bike before they closed down the kitchen but, well, rock happened."
Ron pursed his lips in thought when his eyes caught a familiar orange and green glow beckoning from just beyond the north end of campus. And then he recalled the conversation he had at dinner:
"Stacey," he said in confidence as he offered his arm to escort her, "where we're going, there won't be closing times."
-END-