A few days later Sam was transferred to a regular room and during that transfer he went missing. Nobody noticed Dean leading him out to where Bobby was waiting with the Impala at the back of the building. Dean was the king of disguises, ha!

They made Sam as comfortable as they could in the backseat of the car and then made their way to Bobby's.

Sam was quiet the whole way and Bobby wasn't one for idle chit chat, so Dean picked a tape at random and let it play the whole time; anything but silence. When they finally arrived there was an awkward moment as Sam wanted to walk by himself, which his still recovering and weak body wasn't too happy with. Dean automatically moved to help him but Sam kind of flinched when he came near. Eventually though, he had to accept help. The whole way to the couch he was tense.

Generally Dean noticed that Sam was very different from his normal self. His reactions to Dean were always with the underlying note of distrust and hesitance, it was like Dean suddenly became a stranger. Sam just wouldn't relax when Dean was anywhere near and he pushed his body past the point of exhaustion and into the state in which only his will kept him going, pouring over book after book, source after source, until finally Bobby would make him get some rest, usually by informing him that he'll be completely useless if he pushes himself too hard. Sam always shot Dean this furtive looks on his way out, like he was trying to check Dean's reaction to him leaving for bed. He also wouldn't talk on his own and trying to start a conversation with him was like pulling teeth. Why, just finding him could be a feat in and off itself - for Dean. Sam had that annoying ability of finding himself the most remote spots where Dean would never think to look for him and sequestering himself there with a book on his bad days.

One day Dean came into the kitchen to get himself a beer. Sam abandoned the sandwich he was in the process of making (no doubt at Bobby's insistence) and ducked out of the room as fast as he was able to.

After a week Dean came to one conclusion that Sam was avoiding him. Still, he had no clue what to do with that knowledge.

Soon Sam was almost all better and they found a clue about Pestilence and Dean was still nowhere with his 'Sam evaluations'. It was Bobby, who told them to work all the shit out before they went anywhere because the Horsemans were dangerous enough without their issues to further hinder them.

Actually, he said something along the lines of "You two idgits get your heads outta your behinds and back in the game or you ain't goin' nowhere."

Sam pursed his lips, turning his head away as the older hunter rolled himself out of the living room. Five minutes passed in tense silence; Dean had no damn idea what to say and they stood there like two morons.

It was Sam who finally took pity on them saying "I promise I'm not going to be a nuisance, Dean, okay? I'm all healed and I swear I'm going to do what you say so can we just go?"

"What the hell are you talking about, man?" Dean uttered in total shock. He's had this conversation in his head like, a thousand times and this never was a part of it. What nuisance? Sam wasn't a nuisance!

Sam snorted, frustrated. "You don't trust me. It's okay, I get that. But you have to understand that all I want is to stop the Apocalypse; it's all I ever wanted. I tried my way and it backfired, and I learned my lesson. I'll do what you say so don't worry about that, we can go."

"That's, wow, that's not what I was expecting." Dean said slowly. Sam said nothing. "Okay, uh. It's not that I don't- okay maybe I don't but-"

"Just forget it, Dean, I told you I get it. There's no going back, fine, I can work with that, I'll do my best. You don't have to say anything."

"What do you mean 'no going back'?" for some reason that phrase didn't sit well with Dean. Maybe it was the dark tone in which Sam said it and the despondence in his face as he uttered it.

"You know what I mean!" Sam hissed angrily, then took a deeper breath to get his emotions under control. "You tried so hard to, to accept me after I let Lucifer out of his Cage. You don't even know how much that means to me after that voicemail. Now I guess you don't want to force yourself to do that anymore. I get it, we're back to that night. Although you did come for me when they took me. That threw me, honestly," Sam babbled, fighting to not let his voice quiver, "because you said you were done with trying to save me-"

"When did I say that?!" Dean finally erupted. It's been rising in him, a mix of irritation and utter lack of understanding (fuelling the annoyance further), the whole time Sam was speaking and finally the dam broke because that thing, what the fuck even was that?! And, more importantly, where did Sam hear it and why was he believing in it?

"In the voicemail, Dean! In that fucking voicemail that haunts me every day and every night, okay?!" Sam's hands were trembling so he clenched them into fists.

"I never said that!"

"I can't fucking believe you forgot that!" Sam fought hard to not let it show how much this conversation was affecting him but Dean saw it and it pissed him right off that he didn't know what was going on to get Sam in such a state. "You called me a vampire and basically told me you'd kill me when you saw me next and you forgot it just like that?!"

Dean saw red. "I. never. said that! And certainly not in any fucking voicemail! It's a load of bullshit anyway! I may not trust you but I wouldn't fucking kill you!"

"Oh no?!" Sam was screaming just as loud as Dean was. "Because I distinctly remember you saying you'd hunt me if you didn't know me! I figured when you basically disowned me I was fair game and you only let me live because I had to fix what I broke!" he winced with the next shallow breath he took but ploughed on anyway. "An' I know your temper so I'm doing my best to pull my own weight an' I swear I'll follow your orders an' I never ever wan'ed to drink her fuckin' blood an'way 'cause it's disgustin' so-"

When Sam suddenly swayed and almost bent in half to pull air into his still weakened lungs Dean took advantage of the moment and pushed him onto Bobby's sofa, holding him there with a gentle, non-restricting hand on his chest as he struggled for breath, at the same time feeling light headed from what he just heard. It was almost too much to comprehend, the reality of what Sam's been thinking all this time while Dean was blissfully oblivious.

One thought was crystal clear in all the chaos that was his mind: this needed to be fixed.

"Sam," he said catching his brother's eyes and looking right into them, seeing all the turmoil that was usually hidden so carefully and feeling his resolve strengthen. "Sam, you need to understand what I'm going to say now. You have to. Are you listening to me?"

Sam blinked.

"I would never, ever, so much as think about killing you. You're my family, my little brother, and as long as I live I'm always going to… to love you." Sam's breath stilled. "I may not trust you-" Sam flinched under his hand so he hastened to continue. "I may not trust you right now but there's nothing you could do that I wouldn't eventually forgive you for. I don't know what you heard in some voicemail but I can tell you it wasn't me. And I never disowned you or any such crap. I may have been pissed at you but you'll always be my brother."

He hoped it would work because honestly he had no idea what he'd do if Sam didn't believe him.

Sam breath was uneven from an entirely different reason now. His eyes shone with tears and his whole body trembled.

"D'you mean that?" he asked in a small voice.

"I do, Sammy. So no more of that crap about me killing you or you killing yourself." Dean said gently but firmly.

Sam blinked back tears for a few minutes before he opened his mouth again. "I thought you hated me," he said quietly. "I thought… I thought you din' want me to be your brother anymore. You told me to pick a hemisphere and I seriously thought about where to go, for a while. An' then you called me and I thought you were going to kill me but you said we should come together again and I was so happy that you were willing to give me a chance."

Dean's heart broke for him. He had to fight to not let the tears that gathered in his eyes escape when Sam talked. The kid thought Dean had called him to kill him and he came anyway. He came anyway, to get slaughtered for all he knew, because Dean called him!

"But Heaven destroyed everything." Sam continued, unaware of what his words were causing in Dean. "It was awful, you know?"

"What do you mean awful?" Dean surprised himself with how gravelly his voice came out. Sam jerked, startled and blinked at him with those soulful eyes of his.

"Because… it was like everything there only pretended to be happy. Each of those memories was nice but deep down they actually hurt. Mine, yours… all; not to mention Zachariah's manipulations. Except the Garden…" he added with a note of nostalgia. "That trip was the only truly, fully happy memory I saw in Heaven." he paused, thinking about something. "Maybe it's because I'm tainted? Do you think Heaven can be passive aggressive, like, by its nature?"

"Sammy…" Dean could only say. Manipulation rang in his head, together with Bobby's Heaven is the angels' domain. It made sense. Why, oh why couldn't he have seen it earlier!?

"I think it was trying to show me I was not wanted there and you got hit by proxy." he sighed sadly. "No wonder you were sick of me enough to throw the amulet away…"

"No, that was a dick thing I shouldn't have ever done." Dean told him, still reeling from his discovery. He'll have to consult it with Cas. For now Sam was his priority. "I wish like hell I hadn't…" he admitted. The lack of the amulet's weight on his chest was like an itch he could never quite forget about, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it.

"It's okay, Dean." Sam's huge, warm hand landed on Dean's arm comfortingly. "You were angry because I failed you again. Honestly I was surprised you didn't do something like that earlier." the younger hunter said gently offering forgiveness just like that, like Dean hadn't probably broken his heart into pieces when he let that charm go into the trash can. It only made Dean feel worse.

"It's not okay, Sam. And this time you didn't actually do anything wrong, it was not your fault, you hear me? Doesn't mean I wouldn't like to forget Heaven happened as soon as possible so let's not talk about it anymore." Dean sighed and Sam nodded in acquiescence, grimacing. "We good?"

"I'm still expecting to wake up but… yeah, I think we're good." A small smile accompanied those words and Dean suddenly didn't feel as hopeless as he's been feeling since they came back from upstairs. He patted Sam's arm (lightly because broken bones and fragile brothers) and grinned.

The situation was not completely fixed, far from it, actually, but it was a start and Dean hoped, and Sam as well, judging from the dazed, happy look on his face, that it would get better with time. Dean, for one, had no intention to let it ever get as bad as this, ever again.

"Okay then, lets go gank ourselves a Horseman!"