"It was relatively easy all things considered. I never had to get off my horse, just drop my sword a few…hundred times…" I explained.
Jaime chuckled lightly. "Did you count?"
"No, it was just not a move that I am used to making so often. Typically, I have only practiced one on one, or facing two men."
"If your arm hurt, I would suggest practicing that move repeatedly to prepare yourself for the next time."
I shrugged, "I doubt I will have to use it so much. I spent a great deal of time ahorse this time. I was not even truly allowed in the thick of things, just when we split the men."
"Any move that seems the least bit uncomfortable, you practice it again and again until it's second nature regardless of how often you think you will see it," Jaime instructed before turning a curious brow towards me. "What do you mean you were not allowed in the thick of things?"
"My brother's men surrounded me. They kept me at a sword's length from any man."
"Perhaps they decided to ease you into it," Jaime suggested.
"Seems foolish. They can't do that forever. Some battles will be too much… Then, Willem yelled at me for taking off my helmet. He thinks once your people know that I am fighting, they will try to take me hostage, use me as a bargaining chip."
"I absolutely would if I could identify you in battle."
"Charming."
"You left the world of gentlemen a long time ago," Jaime teased with an easy smile. "But, if I did take you prisoner, I would ensure no one rapes you."
I stared at him, wide-eyed with an uncomfortable grin. "Well, thank goodness you still have some chivalrous tendencies."
With a laugh, Jaime looked away. When he turned back, I could tell there was something more that he wanted to say, but he just watched me in silence.
"Have you started to go through the motions with your other hand?" I asked, nodding towards the one he still had.
He cast a dark look at it before meeting my eye again. "For what purpose?"
"I think you could do it. Get a smith to make a lighter sword—"
"Don't, Analysa Stark," he warned in almost a growl.
"I know it is easier to believe your lot is cast, to not have hope, because then you cannot be disappointed," I started.
"Do you?" His tone threatened. "What would you know of that?"
I watched him for a moment, surprised with how dangerous he still seemed. I could have told him everything I had seen, but it was not worth it. Each day that had passed since losing his hand, I watched him grow more embittered. I had hoped the physical pain from the infection and the amputation would be gone and he would feel better, but now, it was an entirely different pain coming out. Directing the conversation towards combat was unlikely to do what I intended.
With a sigh, I answered simply, "I know more than you of disappointment and helplessness, my lord."
Jaime watched me with a cold glare. I could see the wheels turning in his mind and the fury just underneath his skin. I nodded towards him and turned heel.
"Go through the motions that you did while on your horse," Jaime reminded me, sounding exhausted as much as frustrated.
"Any motion that feels unfamiliar. I will do that."
"Good, you may just survive long enough to get to King's Landing."
"I look forward to it," I called back and strode off towards Robb's tent.
He was likely in the middle of his war council. Although not technically a member, I did like to listen in whenever I could. I had only just returned from meeting with some of the local people.
A few of our men had helped rebuild a fence that afternoon. It was a silly gesture given the state of things and the likelihood that the fence would be destroyed almost as soon as it went up, but it was appreciated nonetheless, and anything we could do to curry favor or lift spirits was necessary.
On my return, I stopped to speak with Jaime, and now, I would still arrive with plenty of time to hear the debate.
"We know that there are still forces here, here, and here," the Greatjon explained, placing three pieces on the map.
I snuck past him, catching Robb's eye as I did. There was a small smile behind his expression, nodding to me, while I took a seat nearby.
"I say we smash them!" Lord Umber added, smacking his fist on the table.
"Tywin is on the run. We've dismantled the Kingslayer's army. These additional groups will fall, but once we reach the Tullys, what then?" Lord Whyte asked. "We need to be ten steps ahead. Tywin Lannister certainly is."
"He was not when we crushed his son's army!" the Greatjon exclaimed, laughing uproariously and getting a good cheer from many of the men gathered.
"We need to know exactly what state the Tully forces are in," Robb spoke up. "They say 20,000, but we can't trust those accounts. We make a plan and a contingency, but we need to know exactly what we are getting from House Tully."
"If the Tullys have what we think and we get Bolton's men in place, we can crush the Lannister army before they have time to regroup," the Greatjon added.
Robb clutched underneath the table, his knuckles turning white, but his face betrayed no doubt. "I think that must be our primary plan, but we need a secondary."
The men looked at each other, weighing his demand and trying to determine how best to reply.
"We can reconvene the day after tomorrow," Robb stated. "We know our immediate steps. For tonight, that is enough."
Robb turned towards me with a nod. Surprised by the abruptness of the council, I rose nevertheless and walked out with him.
"Did I miss that much or was the discourse that short?" I asked.
"You missed much. How were the people?"
"Frightened but thankful. Seeing your men seemed to put them at ease. I simply sat there and spoke with them."
"I am sure it meant more to them than you let on."
I smirked, "I think their fence meant more than I did."
"Our victory easing their homeland would mean much more than any of us," Will retorted.
His presence was a surprise as I turned to raise an eyebrow to my elder brother. "And where were you for the rest of today? I hardly saw you after the battle."
"After you attempted to lift your visor," he diverted.
"After you had your men cut me off from the fight." I retorted, turning my brown eyes into a much harsher stare than I usually reserved for my brother.
"Your men?" Will asked with a scoff. "Not ours? You forget Plenair and the Samelsons so easily."
"That is hardly the point, Willem. You cut me out."
"It was your first fight," he shot back. "You're welcome."
"And at my second. Can I expect such a welcome when we will have so many more men to fight off?"
Will shot a warning stare, his brown eyes carrying a dagger's tip behind them, while I took a step closer to him, not bothering to blink in returning his glare.
"Ana, Willem, is this really worth it?" Robb asked, his voice tired as he stepped between us.
Although the question was directed at the both of us, something in Robb's tone gave me the distinct impression that I was the one he directed that comment to.
"Oh forgive me, your grace," I returned, already hating the frustration I heard rising in my voice. I could not help myself, though. I knew Willem did nothing except try to protect me, but it felt so fruitless. At some point, I would have to take care of myself out there. I thought he would know it.
I could hear Robb close behind me as I traipsed towards our tent. I pulled my cloak tight around my arms, imagining the steam that was escaping from my nose and mouth as I plowed ahead.
"Is it so terrible that we want to protect you?" Robb demanded when we walked inside.
I met his icy blue eyes with a softness that matched the exhaustion he challenged me with only moments before. "Is it so wise when we both know that if you let me out there, it is only a matter of time before we face an even fight and I do have to fend for myself? Will it seem a wise idea then to not let me test myself in a more controlled environment?"
"We thought one step at a time," he stated slowly, maintaining his composure as best he could.
"I think we disagree on tactics."
"Apparently," Robb returned. "How much time have you spent studying battle?"
"Likely nearly as much as you, Robb. You barely knew my father, but he had no problem pushing me into the same situations as Willem."
Robb turned away, hiding a smirk, but I could feel the fire burning under my skin.
"Clearly you missed your calling as a knight, my lady."
"Shut up," I returned.
It was hardly my cleverest retort, but I was exhausted, angry, and honestly not interested in arguing. I turned my back to him, running my hands through my long hair, pulling just slightly to feel something different than what was bubbling within my chest.
"You realize this kills me," Robb demanded.
"And the opposite kills me too!" I cried back at him, turning to face him as my hands fell to the side. With a long sigh, I added, "We are hurting ourselves no matter what we do. This next fight, the one we ride to in hours, will not be easy. I will not have the luxury of an armed guard, and I will not be saved from one-on-one combat, cutting through the bodies of men. I already cut and cut and broke past armor to flesh, and it will just get worse."
Suddenly, I heard myself. The words tumbling out of my mouth were not what I had expected. I felt so bitter, so angry, to be cut off, but somehow, my mind was beginning to go to a much darker place that I had not yet allowed myself to even rationalize.
I looked up at Robb, searching his face, as he stepped towards me. His blue eyes softened with my words.
"I killed them," I said aloud. I closed my mouth and opened it again, but nothing came out as Robb pulled me into his chest. "Gods…I didn't…I mean, they were trying to…"
The screaming and the cries of dying men seemed to flood back into my ears much harsher in night than they had at the time, striking against me like a blow as I wrapped my arms tightly around Robb's back. I did not cry, but my mind played through each thrust, parry, and arrow.
"I killed them," I repeated.
Robb kissed my head softly, "They never really get out of your mind, but it does get easier."
"How does it?"
"Because you know you are fighting for your family, for honor, for people you love…" Robb trailed off a minute before adding with such honesty, "Because you know they would kill you in an instant if you let your sword fall."
I stayed frozen in Robb's arms for hours, feeling safe and warm there. We did sleep that night, but it was restless for the both of us. For me, I could not help but dream of what had already happened that day, which was almost as horrifying as when I would dream of things to come.
For Robb, I could not tell what he saw except that he called my name more than once. Each time, he woke himself up along with me, and I just kissed him to let him know I was still there while he held me a little tighter, as though afraid I might not be.
We began riding prior to dawn. By most scouts' accounts, we were a day from the nearest Lannister camp and could not arrive with stealth, but we had been given insight from a most wise counsel: Lady Catelyn. She knew her land far better than any Stark or Lannister man for that matter. We rode with haste and kept amongst the trees, hiding our approach while we neared the next group of men.
I rode yet again with my brother. I could tell from his cold demeanor that he had not yet forgiven me for my outburst. It was as though we were children again. Will and I were never great at keeping our tongues in check in front of the other although we might play more nicely with others.
"You should get your wish with this one," Willem said to me as we rode into the darkness.
I raised an eyebrow, "My wish?"
"There will be a lot of men to fight. It's unlikely that I can keep a brigade around you at all times." There was no humor in Will's voice, and it wasn't coming, which I deduced after an awkward silence.
"I will be fine," I stated.
"Of course you will."
"So, if I start to get on the losing end, are you going to help them finish me off?" I teased.
Will cracked a smirk. He couldn't help it and even looked irritated with himself as he replied, "Maybe."
"I know you were only trying to protect me."
"Always," he returned, turning his brown eyes onto mine in an uncharacteristically sincere tone.
"We will be alright," I insisted as a slow rain began to fall.
"I know. Neither of us die here," he replied simply.
For a moment, I almost questioned him. I almost pointed out that I had seen things turn out a little differently already – a word here, a person there – but I stopped myself. Not because I truly believed deep down that I could not die tonight but because I liked telling myself that it wasn't possible. I finally understood why Willem kept acting as though he were invincible for the time being. Believing it was the most comforting salve imaginable before going into battle.