Jonathan woke with a start, flinching slightly, and squinting against the light that was so fucking bright it was like staring into the sun.

He was sore. All over.

And for a moment he couldn't remember anything or where he was. Not until he acknowledged the heavy arm that was flopped over his stomach and the body it was attached to. He took a deep breath, trying to keep down the sour feeling taking over his gut. The result of too much alcohol and not enough food to balance it out.

"Fuck . . ." He said to himself as last night's events started to slowly come back to him.

He glanced over at Evan sleeping hard beside him, his head tucked against his shoulder and his leg pulled up over his. He was heavy and he was hot and Jonathan was on the verge of sweating.

He carefully moved, lifting Evan's leg and arm before scooting silently out from beneath them. Once he was on his feet he made his way to the bathroom and he almost let out a scream at the sight before him. In the mirror, he could see marks on his skin, half of which he couldn't remember. Though he remembered the ones on his neck very well from Evan pushing him against the wall as soon as he pulled him back into the room and clamped down on his neck.

He shivered at the memory.

"Stay."

"Okay."

Next thing he knew Evan was shutting the door behind them and his back met the wall fiercely with no warning. Hands were beneath his shirt again, gripping him tight while teeth grazed his throat.

The noises he was making were embarrassing but he couldn't stop. Then he felt weightless and realised Evan had lifted him off the floor and was spinning them until he felt the bed beneath him.

He was too drunk for this. He wanted to remember this in vivid detail but everything was fuzzy and moving too fast. Air was leaving his lungs in massive amounts. Evan was pulling his clothes off and then he was tearing him apart inch by inch.

He was perfect. God, he fit him so fucking well.

Evan was fucking him like he'd only thought was possibly in fantasies. He was so good, it was unreal.

He didn't know how long they carried on, probably annoying the neighboring tenants to no end with their unrestrained cries. He didn't know. All he knew was that he'd never been fucked like this and he could never have it any other way now. He was ruined.

"Evan . . . I'm close. So fucking close."

Then his mouth was on his, licking his taste from his tongue and swallowing his cries as he came.

He was half hard again just thinking about it, examining every light bruise on his body. Evan wasn't rough with him, but he was passionate and no one had ever made him feel so wanted.

A buzzing noise had him running back to the side table and clicking the reject button on his phone. His heart pounded while he waited to see if it had woke Evan, but the man simply rolled to his stomach and continued to sleep. Jonathan let out the breath he was holding and looked down at his phone.

"Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit."

His phone was reading 8:20 AM and he had ten messages and four missed calls, all from Luke.

He had a flight to catch and if he didn't leave right then and there not only would his best friend skin him alive he'd have to book a later flight.

It really started to sink in as he fumbled around looking for his clothes on the floor. He was feeling sicker the longer he thought about it.

He had sex with Evan.

"Holy shit." Jonathan stopped and rubbed his eyes. "I . . . had sex with Evan. Oh my God. Fuck . . . . just . . . the fuck is wrong with you, Jonathan?"

He pulled his clothes on in a hurry and checked himself in the mirror only to find that the hickies were still beyond visible, even with his jacket on.

Evan had a scarf, somewhere. He found it thrown over a lamp in the corner of the room and wrapped it around his neck before slipping into his shoes, not even really bothering to lace them up all the way. Then he was stuck standing there at the end of the bed, conflicted, gazing at the one thing he'd always wanted but the one thing he was going to have to leave.

Should he wake him?

Should he say goodbye? Leave a note? Kiss him one more time?

No.

He had to go. No matter how bad he wanted it, how much he loved it, he had to leave. And it was better to go while he still could, while Evan was none the wiser.

Evan would probably forget all about it in a few days and it would be like it never happened. He hoped and with a heavy heart he slid the curtains shut so his friend wouldn't be blinded when he finally woke up to an empty bed wondering where his one night stand ran off to. Jonathan felt tears threatening and opened the door and left without a sound. He was alone in the elevator and the ride down was ripping him to pieces. There was a lump in his throat and he made his way to the front desk where a girl was already greeting him with a smile.

"Hi, sir. How can I help you?"

"Hi." He took a deep breath and smiled back. "I want to pay for my friend's room and the minibar. But can you do me a big favor and keep it anonymous? I'd really appreciate it, I don't want them to know it was me."

He tapped his fingers on the counter and smiled at her again and he saw a blush run across her face. "I . . . absolutely. That won't be a problem."

He slid his credit card across towards her and winked, "Thank you, sweetheart."

She gave a shy smile. "Okay, so what is the name for the room?"

"Fong."

"Ah, there it is. Alright." She gave him his card back and he pocketed it. "It's taken care of. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am. That's all I needed." He shook her hand. "Thank you, again. I hope you have a wonderful day."

"I . . . you, too." She waved as he walked away and out onto the street.

He sighed and waited for a cab as he tried to push down the lump in his throat. But it was stuck there and he really needed to call Luke and let him know he wasn't dead. God, he was going to be so pissed. He'd rather walk all the way home than deal with Luke. A cab pulled over for him and he gave the driver the name of his hotel and watched Evan's fade out of view as the car turned the corner. His heart was pounding again along with his head and his fingers were starting to shake with his anxiety.

And that's when he started to cry, a quiet sob escaped his lips and his chin trembled as he stared down at his fingers ashamed of what he'd done, of what he'd let happen.

"You okay?" The man behind the wheel asked him and Jonathan just shook his head. He almost laughed at himself.

"I'm fine. I just . . . really fucked myself over. Probably ruined the one friendship that means the most to me."

The guy was quiet for a while as the cab neared his hotel. Jonathan wiped at his face relentlessly and as he was about to open the door after he paid, the guy turned in his seat and said, "Hey, if it's the friendship that means the most to you, you'll find a way to fix it."

Jonathan just stared at him until he accepted his words and gave him a nod as he stepped out into the cold. He wanted to believe what he said.

"Jonathan!"

Shit.

"Luke, don't." He mumbled and rubbed at his face. "Please."

Luke was storming up to him with a glare that in any other situation would've scared Jonathan shitless. But right then he couldn't be bothered because he hated himself more than he ever had and he just wanted to get away. As far away from Evan as he could get.

He caught his friend's eye and Luke's anger faded and was replaced with concern. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"M'fine."

"Like hell you are. Tell me."

Jonathan swallowed down the sickness in his throat and took a breath which did nothing to calm his nerves. "I slept with him."

Luke's mouth fell open and his eyes widened at him, hoping he would say he was just kidding. But he knew it was the truth by the way Jonathan was looking at the ground, blinking back fresh tears.

"We were drunk and I tried to leave but he convinced me to stay and it's still a little blurry, but he was so . . . ." He paused when his voice trembled. "You . . . . God, you were right, Luke and I'm sorry. I should've just told them who I was. I took it too far and now I just want to run into traffic and get it over with."

Luke sighed and shook his head, "No. What's done is done."

"How the fuck am I supposed to live with this?" Jonathan wiped at his eyes again. "I didn't know he would like me so much. I didn't expect for any of this to happen. I literally just destroyed our friendship."

"No you didn't. You just destroyed Evan and Liam's friendship. He's still close friends with you. The faceless you, don't forget that."

"Exactly!" Jonathan was getting angrier with himself. "I fucked any chance I have of meeting him for real now. I have to stay faceless for the rest of my life if I want to keep him."

Luke reached for him and pulled him into a hug, "You don't know that. This'll work itself out, just give it time."

"How much time?" Jonathan mumbled against his shoulder.

"I don't know. But you'll have to tell him one day."

"Shut up. I don't want to think about it right now. We need to get to the airport." Jonathan pulled away from him. "I need to get my bags."

Luke held up his hand, "I've got it all right here. Let's get a cab."

"Alright, thank you."

Without another word they got into the car and Luke watched in silence as his friend mentally broke himself down. He watched the tears roll and his aura turn a deep shade of gray. There wasn't anything he could do make the situation better and he knew it would be up to Jonathan to fix it on his own. Luke knew he didn't mean to take it so far and he knew that he regretted it and he knew that he was hurting. He was hurting incredibly bad because he never said a word the entire flight home. Never said a word the entire drive home, just stared out the window at the passing trees and cars.

He pulled into Jonathan's driveway and walked him to his door like he always did, pulling him into a hug, one that always let Jonathan know that he was there for him, that he was basically his brother and that he loved the hell out of him. When Luke pulled away he put a hand to his face and Jonathan sighed.

"I always manage to ruin everything don't I?" He said and gave a bitter laugh.

Luke gave him a light slap, "No, you don't and don't you dare think about holing up in this house for weeks wallowing in self pity. Next time I come over you better not look ten pounds lighter and restless. I know how sad you can get over the smallest things."

"Luke." Jonathan was tearing up again and Luke's heart hurt. "This isn't just some small thing. This is big. I had sex with him and he doesn't even know it was me. I can't describe to you how bad I feel. Not just guilty, but bad, like I'm dying a little on the inside because I fucked up the most important thing to me."

"Alright, I'm staying the night then."

"What? No. I'm not going to kill myself, man. I just need to sit in the shower and cry for a few days. Or something."

Luke eyed him suspiciously. "Are you sure? Because if I find you with a razor blade in your hand, I'll kill you myself."

"That kind of defeats the purpose, but okay." Jonathan nodded.

"And don't ignore him either."

"I won't."

Luke gave him one last look and told him goodbye before Jonathan watched him pull out of the driveway. Then he retreated into his quiet house, pulling his clothes off and heading straight for the shower where his marks once again stared him down in the mirror. Marks that Evan had given him quite willingly, desperately if he did recall anything. That alone hurt. They could have had something, but he'd insisted on keeping his identity to himself like the selfish bastard he was. He'd never felt so empty as he did then, sitting on the shower floor until the heat ran out and he was shivering, alone.

The only reason he didn't crawl into his bed and sleep for days afterwards was the fact that Evan was already online and texting him, asking him if he still wanted to play and of course he did. He slipped his headset on and only then did he realise that he'd lost an earring.

Evan's head was pounding as he showered last nights events down the drain and he'd be running after the guy he spent it with if it wasn't already nine o'clock.

Liam was already gone, on a plane. Just gone.

A part of Evan felt stupid for letting it happen but he'd never had a one night stand. Never fallen head over heels for someone so fast and so hard and got too shit faced to remember half of it.

A part of Evan felt lost. And he'd never wanted to sit down and cry over a guy. But he should've known that he was too good to be true and he should've let him go last night instead of being selfish and convincing him to stay.

He sat down hard on the bed, towel wrapped around his waist, water running down his back. The blankets and sheets were a mess on the bed and images flashed in his head.

"Never done this before."

"Neither have I."

Liam's white smile flashed in the dark and he'd never seen anything so tempting. Heat flooded his body and he remembered nails digging into his skin.

He was so good and he was already craving him. Every part of him, but he'd never see him again and all he knew was his first name.

Evan swallowed hard at that fact.

He was never going to see him again. Ever. Liam was breath in the wind. A ghost.

And he was everything he ever wanted. Now he was gone, like he never existed.

A part of Evan just wanted to forget and he would try, but as soon as he was packing his things and double checking the room for anything he may have left behind, he saw the light catch something sitting in the middle of the sheets and he stepped closer.

The light glinted off of it again and he reached for it, a small black shiny stud. His heart clenched.

"How long have you had your ears pierced?" Evan had asked him while they had walked through the park.

Liam had shrugged and said, "Long as I can remember. Mom had them pierced when I was a baby."

"Well, you should thank her."

Liam grinned, "Why?"

"Because it's sexy as hell."

He twisted it around between his fingers and his head pounded even more. He needed to get out of here.

"Hey, what's up with Evan?" Craig asked and Brock shrugged.

"I don't know. He's been quiet the whole time. Won't hardly talk to anyone so nobody's pushing. Tyler said not to, but hasn't told anyone why." Brock went back to eating his waffles once the waitress gave them more syrup.

"What time does your flight leave, Evan?" Lui tried to start conversation with him but he just stared off out the window.

"Leaves at eleven." He finally spoke and checked his watch. "I need to get going guys."

Evan stood and pocketed the earring he had been fiddling with the whole time he had sat with them. He couldn't focus on anything and he barely even registered it when they all said goodbye and hugged him, shook his hand. He was so out of it, until he was hailing a cab and he heard his name being called. When he looked around, Tyler was looking down at him with his hands crammed in his pockets.

"Evan, listen. I'm sorry about what happened last night. I know I was an asshole and I had no right to be." Tyler sighed and his breath formed a small cloud before it blew away.

"It's fine, Tyler. Just grow up a little." Evan grinned and Tyler nodded.

"I'll try my best, boss." He gave him a small salute and before he walked off he said, "And I won't tell anyone your secret, Ev."

"I appreciate it. Take care, man." Evan waved and got into the cab and got lost in his thoughts again immediately.

Blue eyes, red lips, a tongue so sweet he was having withdrawals.

"God damn it, Liam." He muttered to himself, still twisting that fucking earring between his fingers.

No matter what he tried, he couldn't break away from the empty feeling in his chest or the sickness in his stomach. There was only one thing that ever helped and as soon as he was inside the comfort of his quiet home, he sent Delirious a text.

E-I'm home. Let's play. Unless you're busy, then it's cool.

J-I'll jump online in a sec.

Jonathan's fingers shook as he set everything up, starting Far Cry 4 and waiting for Evan to join. His heart took off when he did and he popped up in their Skype call.

"Hey, man." Evan said and to Jonathan he sounded fine, normal even. For some reason that stung a little.

"Sup, how was your weekend?" He tried, feeling his voice return to normal.

He heard Evan hesitate, "It was . . . fine. I guess. It could have been better."

"How so?"

"Well, your sorry ass could've been there for starters." Evan said. Jonathan caught the humor in his voice but noted how strained he sounded. Maybe he wasn't over it, maybe he didn't forget.

"I know, I know." He gave a small laugh and they started the game. "Maybe next year. I thought you were having fun with someone though."

"I was. I did but . . . they had to leave."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I don't really want to talk about it. Let's play. I've been needing you to make me laugh for weeks, dude."

Jonathan smiled sadly, "Okay. Let's forget about the weekend and just have some fun, yeah?"

"Yes, please."

They played for hours and they both needed it. Jonathan needed it to reassure him that Evan still liked him. Or still liked Delirious, still wanted to game with him over the others. And he did.

Evan needed it take his mind off of the guy he'd slept with, had an amazing time with, fell face first into the wall for. It helped, Jonathan's maniacal laughter cheered him up and he was feeling good again. Until night fell and they both said goodbye and tried to sleep. That's when it settled in again and he felt the loneliness start to creep up on him.

He feared one day it would eat him alive.

Evan's phone buzzed and he looked at it to see a message from his partner in crime. His faceless friend was restless again, too, and that made him feel less alone. It made him feel like their connection ran deeper than any of the others.

Evan smiled when he read it, confirming his suspicions.

J-Hey. I can't sleep and I'm willing to bet you're still laying there staring at the ceiling too.

E-I am.

J-You alright?

E-I'm alright. You?

J- Fine. Just got a headache. The usual.

E-Same here.

They were silent for a moment before Evan threw the covers back.

E-GTA?

J-Hell yeah lol

Evan laughed into the night and they played until the morning light started to come through their windows.

Maybe things would be fine, Jonathan thought. But the pain in his chest anytime he spoke to Evan, said otherwise.

Maybe things would be fine, Evan thought. But the sinking feeling in the back of his mind anytime he looked at the black earring sitting on his desk, said otherwise.