Chapter 4

Once upon a time letters would contain everything that was ever held dear; they were physical thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. In recent time these have been replaced with other forms of writing that simply cannot and do not hold the same spiritual quality. But Maura Isles, as anyone who knew her would have come to realise, embodies within her all of these once prevalent qualities of a time gone and passed. And of all people, Jane was the only one that had truly seen these qualities in the light. She had watched as Maura stood in the middle of her apartment, with soft music playing, allowing it to totally consume her, and as she began to sway and her head rolled back and she entered a completely separate plane of awareness, Jane couldn't help but fall in love all over again. And it was all she could do to make her way behind Maura, wrap her arms around her and lean her head in so that Maura's head came to rest on Jane's shoulder. And all of a sudden her love ran deeper than she ever thought it could.

Those were the kinds of times that Jane thought about now as she held Maura's envelope in her hands. She was sat on the bed that they had shared countless times. She hoped that it might protect her from what might come of reading the letter.

With tentative fingers she released the page from it casing and pulled it out. Already she could see the indentation of Maura's handwriting.

My dearest Jane,

I know that my behaviour requires explanation and that perhaps what I have done is unforgivable. But that being said, I needed you to know that despite what I have done I still love you more than you could ever know. I wake up in the morning and all I do is search for your body to be close to mine. I search for the smell of you within the walls that I walk. But the only place that I see you is in my dreams, every night. You have wrapped yourself around my soul and with every step that I take away from you pieces of me fall away. I see you in everything that I do; you are every thought and every movement that I make. My days are filled with the presence of the absence of you. I know that this is all my doing. You don't deserve this Jane. But I just hope that you might find it in your heart to wait for me because I will find my way back to you Jane. I will not stop fighting until I see you again, love you again. Please let me. I love you so much J.

With all my love,

Maura

The letter fell from Jane's grip and tears fell from her eyes. She sprang up from the bed, grabbed her keys, her phone and her gun and was down to her car in a flash. It had grown dark and it was beginning to tick over into the early hours of the morning. She made it to Maura's in record time but instead of parking in her usual spot on the driveway she moved down about a block just in case. She was Detective Rizzoli in this moment and not Jane. And Detective Rizzoli wanted answers. She made her way in the shadows to the back door of Maura's hoping that it would be unlocked as usual. Her hand gripped the knob and it turned, letting her in. She was slow and careful, her hand resting on her gun in its holster.

It was completely dark in the house so she removed her shoes so as not to wake anyone up if they were asleep. Without taking any notice of anything around her she made her way upstairs and towards Maura's bedroom. The door was open and so she poked her head through.

The bed was stripped and all of the cupboards were empty, their drawers and doors hanging open. She went into the guest bedroom to find the same situation. She then moved to the door of what was going to be the baby's room and turned the handle. Something inside her shifted; Maura would never simply leave this unlocked. Despite not accepting what was plainly obvious to her detective self she opened the door and almost sank to her knees. Everything in this room was exactly the same as the first time that Jane had walked into it. The cupboards were fine and in the middle of the room in a small box was the jumpsuit and ultrasound photo. Jane picked it up and hugged it into herself. She also took the sign off the wall. As she walked out of the room and back to the kitchen she noticed that it was empty as well. She walked around the bench and opened the fridge; everything was gone except for the beer that Maura always kept stocked for her. The books and knick knacks from the living room were also gone, except for the Red Sox cap that Jane had bought for Maura. Jane collected that and put it in the box with the jump suit. Then a thought struck her and she ran back upstairs to Maura's bedroom.

She hadn't been able to see it before but as she went over to the wardrobe that once housed all of Maura's wonderful clothes she reached into the corner of the drawer and pulled out the Red Sox shirt that she had bought for Maura. It was small and still smelled of the honey-blonde. Jane held it to her face and inhaled what was still left of her doctor. After putting everything that was left behind of her and Maura in the box Jane put her shoes back on. The house no longer reminded her of Maura; it reminded her much more of herself; empty and devoid of Maura Isles.

She stepped outside into the coolness of the night air and felt lost and scared. She had no idea where Maura was; she knew nothing about what had happened. From what she could see there was nothing that would be considered evidence and she had no leads to go on. Maura had returned home willingly and there was no evidence of a struggle. There had been no activity on her phone or credit cards and her car was in the driveway.

Jane got in her car and made her way to BPD. She was going to look at every possible angle that she could. She was going to find Maura and nothing would stop her. When Korsak and Frankie got in she would fill them in and then the three of them along with Nina would track Maura down, however long it took.

Faith Jane.

Jane, Frost and Korsak had piles of paperwork and cases to close. Whenever they had a spare moment, which was extremely rare, they spent it looking for Maura. Jane had not left the bullpen in almost a week but no one had said anything. Her mother had brought her spare clothes and had forced her to take a shower and eat something. It was only when she nearly fainted on top of Frost that she began to listen to everyone when they said to try and take it a little easier. Frost would look at her but say nothing. He remained silent because filling the space with words was not enough and the only comfort Jane wanted was that of Maura. There was nothing that anyone could do for her; she would keep losing herself until she found Maura.

It was pushing close to a month now and there had been nothing. There were only so many times that Jane could take her frustrations out on the shooting range. There were only so many beers she could drink until she passed out from exhaustion. And there were only so many nights that she could turn over as she awoke and reach her arm out into emptiness before she went mad.

Maura's parents couldn't be reached; they were in Africa and wouldn't be back for another five days. However Jane had managed to contact Hope and fill her in on the situation. Sitting in the doctors office Jane kept seeing Maura in the flash of golden hair and the tiniest glimmer of Maura's eyes in the older woman's. But nothing could really compare. Just before she left Constance took Jane by the arm and pulled her gently back inside the office and asked her if she was ok. And that was all it took. Jane was on her knees with tears streaming down her eyes. Constance kneeled down in front of her and tried to bring her back to some semblance of her normally cool, calm and collected self. When the tears were over and her breathing came back to normal Jane spoke softly, as though if she were to voice the words too loudly, she might break the tiny bubble of hope that she had managed to keep herself locked up in thus far.

"I cannot lose her."

"She is strong Jane, she is so strong. And the way she looks at you, the way she smiles at you, the way she holds on to you; she is always going to find a way back to that. Back home."

"She's so much stronger than me."

Just as Hope was about to say more Jane's phone rang and Frost began to speak. In less than a moment the doctor watched as all the light left Jane's eyes and any pieces of life that clung to her body disappeared. Her face dropped and it was as though she suddenly became empty. And Hope heard the last few words of the call before Jane left her office.

"Jane….we found a body."

The only time that Maura had not slept for days was when Jane shot herself outside of BPD to save herself and Frankie. Maura sat by her bedside until her eyes opened and used her considerable connections to have visiting hours waived so that she might lie next to Jane and be away from the prying eyes of her family. She hadn't slept for the week that Jane was kept sedated after her surgery.

As she passed places and people Maura began to think about all of the moments that had led her to this one. The first day that she had met Jane, their first date, the morning that she had called Jane to tell her that she missed her. Then when they woke up and Maura said that she would go out to buy pancake ingredients. When Jane had asked her to leave Jack. She should have listened. She should have gotten brave like she used to when she was younger and she should have ended everything with Jack. But she hadn't, and she could not fathom a clear reason why. Maura wished more than anything that she had not gone out that morning that she had just stayed with Jane. Perhaps then she would not be looking over at Jack as he drove them to a destination he was yet to disclose to her. Maybe then she would be looking over at Jane instead.

But it was impossible. All of it was impossible. She thought back to that morning when fates collided and her world came crashing down around her.

Maura left the apartment with a smile that wouldn't leave her face and the taste of Jane on her lips. She got into Jane's cruiser and was blasted with what she guessed was Led Zeppelin. Quickly turning the music down she pulled out and made her way to the local store. When she arrived she parked right out front. There were only a couple of other cars in the lot and when she entered the store there were only four other people including the girl at the counter. She made her way to the beginning of the isles and began to grab not only the things they would need for pancakes but also other fresh produce that Jane desperately needed. As she got about half way and her basket was nearly full she noticed that there were flowers for sale today. She walked over to inspect, planning to buy a flower for Jane. There were bouquets but she only wanted one. She separated one white lily from the bunch and as she lifted it away from the bucket of water that it resided in a hand gripped her arm tightly and she was tugged away from the flowers before she could even fathom what had happened. Her mouth was covered and she was turned around.

Jack.

He slowly took his hand off of her mouth but he never let go of her arm.

"Maura." He said her name as though her was disappointed, like a master would when his pet had no performed as expected. She knew that it would be silly to run and even sillier to try and speak reason with Jack. So she waited and eventually he began to come into his own, control the situation and find a way to make Maura do exactly as he wished.

"Do not treat me like I'm stupid Maura. Do not deny the assumptions that I am about to make. Just listen and then you will be able to make a decision."

She nodded her head and waited for him to continue.

Dr. Maura Isles, the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts was not a weak woman. She was one of the strongest people that had ever been created in the light of day. It was not that she could not escape from this situation it was that she would not. She would not put her family, her friends, her lover in any kind of danger if she had the means to prevent it. Once she had stayed for her family, then she had stayed for her child and now she would stay for Jane. She would stay for Jane and for the life that she still hoped they might be able to live together when the world became better.

"I know what has been going on. Anyone can see the things going on between Jane and yourself. Perhaps I would not need to have taken such drastic efforts as the ones that I have had you not fallen into such a deep love as you have. You are mine Maura and Jane Rizzoli will never ever have you. Now comes your decision. Either you decide to come back to me and everything returns to normal, Jane goes back to being only the woman that you consult with at work, or you go back to Jane, leave me and spend every moment that you are away from her wondering if she will ever make it back to you, until the day comes that she doesn't. And that will be the day that you will truly be punished for what you have done."

He stopped and waited, the grip on her arm never waning.

Maura retreated into herself, she placed a wall around every part of her that Jane had touched until all that was left was the cold stare in her eyes and the coldness that had grown inside of her soul on the days when she was alone and frightened as a child. Somehow, instead of everything coming together to bring her to Jane as it should have, it had brought her here.

Why is everything wrong? She thought.

She waited for herself to wake up, for the morning sun to dance across her face, for the sweet smell of Jane's hair to bring her forth from sleep. But there was no reprieve. So she stilled herself against this decision being forced upon her and her mind disconnected from everything she had ever felt and from each thought that was shouting at her to run. Then she spoke words that died upon leaving her mouth and fell to the ground like lifeless lies that only frightened away the light.

"Fine Jack, you win."

Despite wanting to say more everything inside her had stopped working and she felt the light and lovely part of herself sink back into a corner of her mind, only to wait for the day that Jane might offer her hand and pull her out again.

"I expect you will be home tonight, I will allow you to collect your things from her. See you soon Maura."

"And she will be safe?"

He turned around with a smug look on his face and a deep, dark anger in his eyes. When he spoke it was almost a snarl, something like Jane's voice when she was intimidating the worst of the criminals she found herself with.

"Yes Maura, she will be safe."

Her eyes opened and she let go of everything that was pulling her towards Jane. Just like she had when she had to give her up.