"So, have you told him?"

Jonathan rolled his eyes, "Does it look like I've told him?"

"No, which is why I'm going to keep reminding you so you don't just blow it off and think everything is fine." Luke crossed his arms as they ate downtown like they usually did on the weekends.

"Luke, I can't just call him up and say hey Evan, that guy you fucked at PAX was me. Not gonna happen. Sorry. I'll let him know one day but not anytime soon." Jonathan chewed on another slice of bread.

"Sooner than you think, tough guy." Luke said sounding smug and Jonathan didn't like the way he was looking at him.

"Christ, Luke, what did you do?"

Luke shrugged, "I told him you were coming to E3 with me this year."

"You what?!" Jonathan nearly choked on his food. He received a few stares and he brought his voice down while he glared across the table at the bearded scumbag.

"You fucking told him I was coming? Last time I check, I had no intentions of going. Just . . . why did you tell him that?!"

Luke leaned forward with a stern look, "Because, Jonathan. You need to get this out in the open. Now."

"And who are you tell me when to do it?"

Luke huffed in surprise. "I'm your best friend! I'm just trying to help you!"

Jonathan ran his hands through his hair, aggravated. "You were the one who said I'd have to fix this on my own."

"And you will. I'm just pushing you in the right direction." Luke said as they calmed down. "Look, I know it's going to eat at you if you don't tell him soon. I don't want you staring at your ceiling every night hating yourself because I know that's what you're doing. Am I right?"

Jonathan looked him hard in the eye and nodded without saying a word.

"Don't be ashamed of it, J. Just make it right." Luke sat up straighter. "So, are you going to E3 this year?"

Jonathan mimicked him and gave an uncertain nod, "Yeah. I guess I am."

Weeks passed, too fast in Jonathan's eyes. But it was too slow for Evan when all he could do was lay awake at night watching his fan spin in endless circles. All he could see was blue.

He didn't think it had effected his behavior while he was playing with the guys but Nogla called him out on it and as much as he wanted to come out and say it, that he wasn't straight and he had found the one thing he always wanted, but now it was lost . . . he couldn't. He'd witnessed the way everyone would tend to pick on anyone who was even remotely gay in any way and he couldn't handle that right now. Tyler knew, but he was mature about it to an extent. He still joked like he normally would and Evan didn't care, as usual. But he knew it was different now, it always would be and the truth would come out sooner or later. But he'd hold it off as long as he could, until he could figure out where he was going with his lonely life.

Nogla wasn't the only who took note of his indifference. Delirious caught on to it first but he was kind enough not to pry, until Daithi kept asking him what was up and that he'd been acting weird for a while now. To Evan's surprise Delirious got defensive, "Dude, it's his business. As much as you've been asking and he still hasn't told you, means he obviously doesn't want to talk about it. So stop."

Everyone went quiet for a moment until Evan quietly said, "Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

Nogla apologised to Evan but just as soon as everything was getting back to normal and it seemed that Tyler might have grown up a bit, that was all thrown out the window in a split second. Delirious was a serious gamer but he also liked to have fun. That night he was in a playful mood. Tyler wasn't and was trying to get the objective done but Delirious ended up detonating a bomb that destroyed them all.

Tyler was the first to flip his shit and Evan flinched, his voice screaming in his ears. "Tyler, oh my God."

"We were right there!" He groaned. "Damn it, Delirious!"

The blame game was always strong when they played Grand Theft Auto. Escpecially when they played a heist and someone messed something up and they had to start all over again. Evan didn't care, he just liked having a good time with his friends. Nogla was always chill about it, Delirious was fifty/fifty but mostly just full of giggles, and Tyler was always the one to call someone out, be harsh with his words and when Delirious went quiet and Evan heard him sigh, he felt angry about it for once.

It was unnecessary. It was just a game.

"It's okay. We can start over. No big deal." Evan said calmly, but Delirious had left the game.

Before he left the Skype call he said, "I'll see you guys later, I'm going to bed."

No one could even say goodnight before he was gone and Evan was rubbing at his eyes and leaving the game before he thought about what he was doing. "Me too, I've got a headache. Goodnight, guys."

Then he just sat there in his quiet room, playing with the same earring that he had for the past month. He walked to his bed and fell down onto the mattress with his phone to his ear listening to it ring and ring.

"Hello?" Delirious answered, his voice tired.

"Hey." Evan said uncertainly. He was still trying to figure why he had called him in the first place. "Are you really going to sleep?"

"No."

"Thought so." He grinned in the dark and he felt the little warmth in the back of his mind like he usually did when he talked to Jonathan. It was nice to just chat with someone that knew him more so than the others. "Wanna talk?"

He giggled, "We're already talking."

"Jackass. You know what I mean."

"I know." Jonathan said and he got quiet for a moment. "I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just feel like shit and when they get on me about stupid things it just makes it worse. I can usually handle it. But I just don't feel like myself lately."

"Neither do I."

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, Evan. But I know something has been bothering you. Just want you know that I'm here to listen and I won't judge you for anything." Jonathan sighed.

"Okay."

"I mean it."

Evan sat up and pulled at the strings on his sleeping pants. "Delirious -"

"Jonathan."

Evan laughed, "Sorry. Jonathan, do you remember when I told you about that person I really liked down at PAX?"

Jonathan was sitting up in his bed, curling his toes as his heart started pounding, "Yeah, I remember."

Very well, because that was me beneath you that night.

"Well I . . . . slept with them. And they were gone the next day, had to catch a flight and I overslept so I missed them." Evan paused. "Thats what's wrong with me, Jonathan. I can't explain how much I liked this person and I've never had a one night stand. Now it's all I can think about and that was a month ago."

Jonathan swallowed, "You didn't get their number or anything?"

Evan sighed heavily. "No. All I know is his middle name."

His.

Jonathan went still and Evan was silent on the other end. He wondered if he realised he'd just outed himself and he got his answer when Evan snorted with laughter.

Jonathan found himself smiling, "What?"

Evan laughed even harder, "Oh man." He tried to catch his breath, "I don't know why I've never told you that I'm gay."

"Probably because you didn't think I'd be okay with it."

"Are you?" Evan asked and Jonathan grinned at the hope in his voice.

"Yes, Evan. I'm perfectly okay with it. Why wouldn't I be?"

He could practically see him shrug and chew at his nails, "I don't know. Maybe because we're all a bunch of loud and manly gamer guys who make gay jokes all the time. I just . . . so . . . why are you so cool with it?"

Jonathan scratched at his head. This was a good opportunity as any to get at least one secret off of his chest. "You're my friend, Evan. I don't care what you're attracted to, but I'm probably a lot more accepting of it because I'm also gay. So I understand the whole struggle of being a normal guy and having everyone think you're straight as an arrow."

Evan huffed a laughed, "Oh my god, I know. Everyone thinks that every gay guy is flamboyant and feminine, but I am so far from any of that. Seriously though, I had no idea you were gay."

Jonathan fell back to his mattress, suddenly feeling so much better about his life choices. "Trust me, you're not the only one. My dad is still in denial."

"I haven't told anyone." Evan said and started pacing his room. "Well I told Tyler when I was drunk and a little mad because he insulted the guy I slept with, but he said he wouldn't spill my secret."

"It shouldn't have to be a secret."

"I know. But you know the world we live in." Evan sighed and sat at his desk, toying with the earring again. It was becoming a bad habit.

"I do, unfortunately. You know, maybe that's why we get along so well." Jonathan said and cut his lamp on to his desk.

"Why?"

"Because we're both macho gay." He laughed and hearing Evan laugh just as hard made him miss his face. More than anything he wanted to see him again and he would eventually but just the thought of that put his stomach into knots.

"No, I get along with you because you're fun. You're my kind of person." Evan said and Jonathan heard the smile in his voice.

And he remembered when he said those words that night, remembered his fingers sliding to his neck, his lips pressing against his. His body pinning him down.

"Yeah, you're my kind of person to." Jonathan shed his shirt, the heat was beading on his skin. "Evan, there's something I need to tell you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Jonathan took a steady breath. "I'm coming to E3 this year and you don't have to act surprised because I know Luke told you and he's such a little shit."

Evan laughed lightly, "Not gonna lie, I've been thinking about it ever since he told me and sometimes I can't even sleep at night. You have no idea how much I've been wanting to meet you. To see you. And I'm not saying that just because I know were both gay now and all of a sudden in love with you, I just genuinely think about meeting you almost every day. It's always on my mind."

Jonathan smiled and the butterflies took off. "I think about meeting you more than I do the others. I guess you could say that you're my favorite but you already know that. I just don't have friends here, other than Luke, and I don't get along with anyone the way I do you and I really wish we lived closer together."

"I know." Evan said softly and he was quiet for a moment. "You know, we could meet up somewhere if you wanted to. Before E3."

"No. I mean, that would be awesome but I want to meet you all at the same time. So if you don't like me -"

"I seriously doubt that I won't like you, Delirious. I don't care what you look like and it's already pretty clear that I like your personality or I wouldn't be such good friends with you."

Jonathan smiled in the dim light of his room and turned his monitors back on, "Alright then. Let's play something, just me and you. I need a break from the guys."

"Sounds good to me. See you in a sec." Evan hung up and joined him momentarily and once again they stayed up all night until the sun rose.

Evan cleared his throat once they were just sitting there in their chairs talking over Skype, "I've never really had anyone to talk to about the whole gay thing."

"Me either. I usually talk to Luke but he's not gay so even though he listens to me I know he doesn't fully understand." Jonathan said with a fondness that he'd always feel for his best friend. His best friend who pulled him home with him the night he came out to his parents and they were increasingly confused about it. Luke said they were being too sketchy and forced him to stay with him until his parents figured out what their verdict was. His mother had called him the next morning and said he didn't have to hide, but that his father still didn't understand.

"I don't have anyone. My sister knows but she moved away and we don't talk as much I need to. So I'm kind of stuck in this phase where I feel like I'm alone and no one will ever understand." Evan said and Jonathan knew what he meant, deep down and that made him ache even more. Evan was perfect, just like he'd always pictured him. Amazing, intelligent, funny, social but awkward, and a tad insecure. And if he hadn't already fucked it all up, Jonathan would be taking him up on his offer of meeting before E3.

"Well, you have me." Jonathan let his head rest on his pillows as he fell into the bed. He closed his eyes, "You'll always have me."

"Thank you. You don't know what it means to me. I don't feel so . . . " Evan paused and listened to the man's heavy breathing. "Delirious."

No answer.

"Did you fall asleep? Jonathan?" He waited. "Well, goodnight to you, too, then."

Evan grinned and ended the call before shutting everything down. He fell onto his mattress and had an epiphany that would keep him awake for the rest of the day.

He and Delirious absentmindedly fell into a routine. It started with a text, a few stupid jokes or pictures, and then a talk on Skype before they started gaming, either together or alone or with the guys. Afterwards they'd talk even more and if they weren't attached at the hip before, they quite obviously were now.

Evan's epiphany had got him nowhere. Once he had remembered that Liam said he was a manager at a mattress firm he thought he could just search for the stores and call around, but then he remembered he had no idea where Liam was from. So he went back to moping around until Jonathan would call him or text him and shake him out of his depressing haze.

And it stayed that way for weeks and instead of dreaming about Liam every other day he only dreamed of him once a week which was a relieving improvement. Evan almost thought he could forget about him completely, but he knew he never really would.

Delirious helped, tremendously, whether he knew it or not because he was more real to Evan than he'd ever understand. To Evan, Jonathan was basically his best friend, down to Earth, the one who knew his secrets, the one who knew his embarrassing stories and failed relationships. He was his go-to, his antidote and he was faceless. To Evan, his personality gave him a face and what he saw in his head every time he heard Jonanthan laugh was a big white smile. The kind of smile that pulled at your eyes and made dimples in your cheeks show.

That's what he saw.

And if he thought too hard on it, the face he imaged always morphed into one that looked too much like Liam, then he left feeling empty.

So, Delirious was helping, but Evan was bringing himself down again trying to figure out what he looked like in his head. The same head that thought it would be a good idea to run after that pretty guy with blue eyes that day.

His head was not to be trusted anymore.

Christ. He smelled like a fucking forest after a hard rain. Like earth beneath his fingernails and he clawed at his skin, trying to bring him closer, trying to absorb him because he'd never smelled anything so fucking comforting and beautiful and sexy.

"God, you're perfect." He said with a rush of breath and sank himself back into him. He was so hot, so tight, so satisfying that he felt like he'd never see the sun again. This man would be the death of him.

Liam arched his back and grinned wickedly, "Far from it."

Evan caught his lips, kissing away that smile that would haunt him for months.

Evan jerked awake for the fifth time that week. He though it had gotten better, the dreams. Apparently he was wrong, so fucking wrong.

He got out of the bed, five o'clock in the morning, like had almost every day this week and made himself a hot shower where he got himself off hoping it would ease the hunger but it was always only temporary. It never lasted and he always went back to sleep only to dream of him all over again. And he'd wake up shaking, hard, and breathless.

Tired wasn't even close to he felt. Exhausted maybe, but it was more than that. He was done, with everything and he was trying not to throw all of his problems on Delirious, but he asked and Evan spilled and for the first time in a long time he felt himself wanting to cry.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Evan tried.

"Bullshit."

"True." He gave a small laugh and laid his head on hands, staring at the earring and swallowing back the pure hopelessness he felt. "I don't want to bore you with my problems."

"Evan . . ."

"Okay." He sat up and rubbed his face, sighing. "I can't fucking sleep without seeing his face. It's driving me insane and it is literally killing me knowing that I'll never see him again. He was fucking perfect all the way down to his tattoos, his fucking earrings, his smile. And he got me, like really got me. No one gets me, other than you. No one understands and I'm never getting that night back. I'm trying to forget but the more I try the worse it gets. It been almost four months and I was better off the day after than I am right now. I just can't fucking deal with this."

Jonathan heart felt like it tore in two and he was one idiotic thought away from just saying hey I'm right here, it was me the whole time, I know I'm such an asshole for doing this to you. But he stayed his tongue and bit back the urge to let him know.

"It hurts, Evan. I know. And one day you won't even remember what it felt like, you just need to find something that makes you feel better and takes your mind off of it. It's literally the only way, for me at least, to get over something. When my dad didn't really want anything to do with me anymore, I went to Luke and he made me feel better about everything and he helped me move on from it. You need to find that something."

Evan hesitated before he said, "I already have."

"What is it?"

"You." Evan clenched his jaw. "And I know that sounds dumb, but talking to you about these things helps better than holding it in. You listen and you understand and I really can't wait to meet you next week. I can put a face to your voice and maybe I can stop thinking about the one that's always stuck in my head. It's kind of stupid, but I need you. You take my mind off of things I don't want to think about."

Jonathan was befuddled, sitting there staring at a blank blue screen until a smile broke his face.

One week.

Just seven days and he would be standing on California soil, where he'd probably have a heart attack and die before he could get to Evan and ruin their friendship for good. Dying didn't sound so bad as he packed his bags with six more days still ahead of him. He was worrying himself to death but he didn't have anything else to do. Luke hadn't said a word to him about any of it, knowing it would only stress him out even more.

Five days.

Just five and he was having heart palpitations just trying to get to sleep.

Three days.

"Evan?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm terrified."

"Of what?"

"California. Flying. Meeting you. Just . . . everything."

"Why?"

"You're going to hate me."

"No I'm not, Jonathan. If you say that one more time, I'm going to show up on your doorstep and cut you."

Two days.

Just two and Jonathan was staring at his plane ticket as it sat there looking back at him from where it was hanging on his fridge.

You really fucked this up.

"I know, stop fucking reminding me." He said angrily to no one, his voice echoing slightly in his empty house.

One day.

Just one and he was immobile, lying in his bed, eyes fixed to the small paint chip on his wall he'd never bothered to fix. Would this be any different? Would he fix it or would he let it stay the way it was so it could stare him in the face and remind him of how useless he was when it came to righting wrongs?

But Evan wasn't just a small imperfection on the wall, he was a massive gaping hole in the roof that would always be there, letting everything fall in around him, reminding him of how big this situation was.

He had to fix this.

It didn't matter how.

"Are you ready?" Luke said as Jonathan strapped himself into his seat on the plane. He didn't speak, just stared out the window at the runway as the plane picked up speed. He gripped Luke's hand as everything shook and let it go when they were in the clouds.

Luke tried his best not to laugh when Jonathan looked at him and said, "I've never wanted a plane to crash so bad."

"Come on. I doubt he's going to kill you, just be highly upset and maybe hit you."

Jonathan shook his head, "It's going to fucking destroy him. You have no idea how bad I hurt him. It fucked him up"

"It fucked you up." Luke said quietly and Jonathan looked him in the eye and for a moment he thought he might break down right there but he turned back to the clouds and daydreamed about better, happier things. Anything that didn't involve Evan seeing him and looking so betrayed and heartbroken and . . . . angry.

"I don't want to do this."

Luke sighed and put an arm around his shoulder as they got off the plane, pulling him closer, trying to give him the comfort he needed. "You have to."

Jonathan watched himself put one foot in front of the other, getting closer to his destination. His end. "I know."

Luke scrunched his brows, "Why do you only have one earring in?"

Jonathan shrugged, "I lost the other one."