It took some time for Team Asuma with Kakashi at the head to get under way on the appointed day. The morning was cool, with dew on the ground as their group headed out the towering front gates of Konoha. Their sandals crunched over the ground, and the sun was still below the horizon, with light just beginning to make the road away from the city behind them visible.

They made it to a clearing just outside the city, where Shikamaru resisted the urge to check the time every 10 seconds while he was explaining the Plan to everyone.

"But what if your reasoning about how Hidan's blood works is wrong?" Ino said after Shikamaru had finished.

She looked worried.

Almost as if attacking someone who can't die with the most round-about plan ever might be a bit risky.

"It seems, a little- crazy," Ino said.

Shikamaru took a breath. It had only been two days single day since Asuma had been put in a coma, and his emotions were still all over the place. He wanted to get Hidan right now and use more of his blood to try to wake up Asuma.

In other words, he still felt out of control. It was going to be important to watch that to execute everything that came next.

Kakashi told them that the trail they had following had vanished because of a recent rain. It was obvious that the duo were heading back to Konoha to capture Naruto and pick up Asuma's bounty

So they had to search those areas in order to catch the two of them before they got to Konoha. Ino did a Mind Transfer Technique to gain control of a hawk, and used the animal to go off looking for the Akatsuki pair they were hunting.

While Ino was slumped over in order to control the hawk and find their quarry, Shikamaru looked out on the petrified trees. This was going to be dangerous. If everything went according to plan, it would be fine of course.

But the chances of everything working perfectly were minimal. He had to be ready to change plans instantly, even despite his preparations.

"Found them!" Said Ino. They hurried to a place that would cross with the direction that Ino said they were heading and waited, all in their respective positions.

And then, there they were, the pair of them walking along side by side. Shikamaru took a breath, and began the first part of his plan. He performed his Shadow technique and sent his shadow moving along the ground behind the Akatsuki pair as they passed by where he was hiding.

Something's wrong, he thought immediately, though his brain gave no evidence to support this. Nothing's wrong, he thought back. Calm down, do this, help Asuma already.

His shadow crept closer and closer to the two as they walked, splitting off to capture both of them simultaneously.

At the last second they noticed the shadow coming, and jumped out of the way, and Shikamaru immediately threw kunai with explosive tags on them at their new positions, anticipating them perfectly.

Kakuzu hardened his arm, and predictably, Hidan just whacked at the kunai with his scythe, only barely jumping away in time while the explosion blew up his triple-bladed scythe.

That is something Hidan would do, but something is wrong! His brain said, but Shikamaru was so close! He almost had them!

He tossed the chakra blades he got from Asuma next, the ones with Shadow chakra in them. The final move. This time, they dodged them, just as he planned. It hit their shadows right on the money and they froze in place.

Shikamaru took a breath. He did it. But why was his brain still screaming at him?

He finally let that voice into the conscience part of his mind.

Why isn't Hidan swearing at you like a sailor? You know, the loud one? Neither of them has said anything this entire time. They bickered like an old married couple every time you've observed them, don't you find that strange at all?

Shikamaru frowned and turned his attention on Hidan. He didn't have a smirk on his face, he wasn't sweating or complaining loud enough to wake the dead.

He was regarding Shikamaru coldly, almost like-

There was movement to Shikamaru's left, and he immediately concentrated chakra to his feet and leapt up as high as he could, towards one of the petrified trees just as the real Kakuzu's blackened fist slammed into the ground where he'd just been.

Like he was acting just like Kakuzu, Shikamaru thought. He scanned the air quickly while he was rocketing towards the petrified tree branch, and saw the two clones pop in a cloud of smoke where he'd captured them uselessly with his knives.

The real Hidan took a swing at him with his spike just as Shikamaru was landing, but he managed to leap out of the way.

Shikamaru swore in his head. Stupid. The Impact Bias again. He'd wanted it so bad that he'd lost perspective at the crucial moment.

Shikamaru turned in the air to try to plan out his next move, just in time to see Kakuzu's tentacles rocket toward him and grab him by the neck.

There were a few startled sounds from Ino and Choji's hiding places, and soon they joined him out in the open, floating in the air with tentacles wrapped around their necks.

"Hey Kakuzu, what the hell was that! You weren't acting like me at all! That was terrible!" Hidan said, grinning like an idiot as he approached where Shikamaru and his friends were wriggling in the air.

"Yes, I see my mistake now," Kakuzu said as he took a few steps towards where he'd captured them. "I failed to make your clone nearly irritating enough," Kakuzu said without irony.

"You failed to capture my charm at all," Hidan said. He was really relishing every step as he approached.

Where are you, Kakashi? Shikamaru thought, his mind racing for solutions.

"At first I thought I was being paranoid," Kakuzu said in a deep rumble. His exotic green eyes surveyed Shikamaru and the rest of Team Asuma calmly. "But then I thought to myself, why take the chance? If the hawk was a spy of some sort, then it had seen our position. After all, perhaps it was carrying one of your new toys that I wasn't aware of. So, naturally- I created some Bunshin clones, and had them walk in the same direction as before, while we paralleled them quietly, out of sight."

Shikamaru shook his head, he really should've thought of that.

More tentacles seized Shikamaru around the waist, and he was tipped over, end over end. Kakuzu shook him back and forth violently, until all his gear rattled out of his pockets, including his water summoning scroll, his extra knives, and the small portable car battery he'd been lugging on his back.

"Interesting," Kakuzu said in his clear baritone. "More tricks with your 'natural lightening.' Clever. It is a shame that you chose the wrong side," He said.

"You stole my blood," Hidan said, standing right in front of Shikamaru. "That deserves something special."

Kakashi, where are you? Shikamaru thought.

What could he do? The tentacles were like steel cables around his neck and arms, and if he couldn't move at all he couldn't act at all.

"Hidan," Kakuzu said sharply. "This is no time for your religion. They definitely wouldn't come alone this time. There are more of them. Keep a look out."

Shikamaru's vision started to blur from his oxygen-starved brain. There's a way out, he just had to find it. The world narrowed down to silhouettes and dim noises and shapes. Hidan was complaining about Kakuzu not taking his religion seriously, and Shikamaru's vision must be getting so bad now that he was seeing something that wasn't there, little specks of black in a huge group, drifting over Kakuzu and Hidan like-

Ash.

"Hidan!" Kakuzu shouted, and suddenly Shikamaru, Choji and Ino were all dropped, the tentacles receding.

There was a clicking sound, and suddenly the cloud of ash lit on fire.

"Not this again!" Hidan screamed, rolling around on the ground as he burned.

Shikamaru made his eyes bulge real wide as soon as the figure that had appeared behind the Akatsuiki pair.

"Asuma?" Shikamaru said in disbelief.

"The 35 million ryou, you're alive?" Kakuzu said from a nearby petrified tree branch.

"Takes more than that," Asuma said with a smile.

Hidan finished burning, the fire going out on his skin with some nasty burns to show for it, though they were already receding. He got up and looked at Asuma in disbelief.

"The fire-spitting bastard!" He said, pointing at him. He put his burnt hand through his hair and stretched his head back, letting out an aggravated groan. "I killed you! Why can't you satay dead? Lord Jashin is going to think I'm not killing people thoroughly enough!"

Asuma merely smirked.

"Well, this is a useful development," Kakuzu said. "It means we have one less thing to collect in Konoha. Hidan, I leave the others to you," Kakuzu said. "I'm going to collect the bounty."

"But wait a second," Hidan said. "How are you alive? I know I hit vital organs!"

Shikamaru continued wheezing, struggling to fill his lungs with air and get on his feet again.

"But that's impossible," Ino said. "We watched him die."

"No way am I letting you kill him! I owe him for the fire. Twice. And he's only alive because of my blood! I need to take it back Kakuzu!"

"And you'll can have it, as long as you leave me enough to return for the bounty," Kakuzu said. "But who's idea was it to use your blood in the first place?" Kakuzu asked. "Who stole it from you? Not a dead man."

Asuma went on a bit of an extended coughing fit, holding his cigarette away from him like it was an evil thing for a second before shuddering and taking another toke.

Kakuzu smirked even as Hidan turned his gaze on Shikamaru again. The rumbling Akatsuki member then flew right at Asuma.

"Run Asuma!" Choji shouted.

Asuma looked startled for a moment, and then took off running, staying just a step ahead of Kakuzu.

"Go help him," Shikamaru said, turning to tell them. "I've got Hidan."

"OK Shikamaru," Ino said. "If you're sure." And with that they raced off instantly after Kakuzu, not bothering to look back.

So they didn't see when a stewing Hidan leapt at Shikamaru with his spike, catching him across the chest. Several metal rings flew into the air, along with a line of scarlet.

Hidan laughed as he drew his symbol on the ground, and his body shone with that bone-coloring.

"Ha! You thought chain mail will save you? Don't make me laugh dumbass!"

Shikamaru doubled over on the ground, immediately taking off his outer vest and arranging it on the ground in front of him.

He instantly pulled back the rest of his clothing while he was behind the pack, and then looked up at Hidan in horror.

"This is for stealing my blood, you heathen bastard!" Hidan screamed. "I was going to torture you for hours, but Jashin demands satisfaction right now!"

He then stabbed himself repeatedly in the stomach, dropping blood everywhere on the ground.

Shikamaru threw back his head and screamed, clutching at his stomach and seizing all of his muscles, spasming on the dusty desert floor in the fetal position.

Hidan laughed wildly, his stomach covering up the wound in seconds. But Hidan kept dancing in ecstasy for a full 30 seconds after that.

Then, he suddenly got a queasy look on his face, and threw up all over the floor. An expression seized his features as if he'd just been kicked in the crotch, and he fell over.

Shikamaru gave a sigh and stood up carefully.

"Operation Blood Infection, Successful." He said to a very confused Hidan. Shikamaru then stripped off another outer layer of shirt carefully, revealing his chain mail. He took that off over his neck, also carefully, revealing extra thick, extra plastic that looked like a raincoat but with veins of strong material running through it.

"Composite plastic made much stronger with nanotechnology, including nanosheets." He explained to Hidan. "I wanted to take as little risk as possible, since I didn't know if the chainmail would be enough with just regular old plastic. It's nearly as stretchable as plastic, nearly as light, and nearly as strong as steel," He explained.

He removed this layer with some difficulty, since it was much stiffer than normal plastic, even with the Chakra modifications Kabuto had helped him with. He'd been saving the stuff for years, and he had to bring it back to Konoha intact because of how expensive it was, on loan from Fire University.

Shikamaru then inspected his bare torso carefully, pulling a mirror out of the one pack on his vest that hadn't spilled open since it had been secured extra tight. Checking his back thoroughly, he couldn't find any wounds whatsoever, and not a speck of blood. Even so, he walked over to where

"What?" Hidan managed at one point, in between vomiting sessions.

"Oh right, you're a little slow on the uptake." Shikamaru said. "Hold on, I'll explain how utterly screwed you are in a second, I have something to take care of first."

Shikamaru messaged his hurting neck as he pulled out his radio and spoke into it.

"You OK, Ino?" he asked.

"Everything's OK. That Kakuzu guy split into a bunch of weird masked blob things, but Kakashi is only engaging them long enough to keep Kakuzu interested, since he's not even trying to win, I don't think he'll get caught."

"You're sure he can get away?" Shikamaru asked.

"Well, considering Kakuzu is looking for Asuma and not Kakashi, all he has to do is get out of sight for a second and then drop his Asuma Henge disguise, and even if Kakuzu sees him, he'll probably be ignored since Kakuzu wants that bounty so much," Ino said. "He's still talking about it even while they're fighting. They've been throwing around some serious techniques, Shikamaru, I think without Kakashi's sharingan, he'd be toast right now."

Or if he'd had to fight Kakuzu and Hidan together, Shikamaru thought. Close combat with them was way too dangerous. There were some explosions in the distance, and Shikamaru had to hope that Kakashi knew what he was doing.

"OK, thanks Ino, be careful."

"You too," She said. "You all done there?"

"Just about," He said, before letting go of the receiver. That had been important too- getting Ino and Choji out of the way and hoping Hidan just wouldn't notice how quickly they ran away and didn't help Shikamaru even when he was being stabbed. He hadn't known how much he'd need them, and he'd been explicit about them getting out of the way once he and Hidan got into it.

He was glad they were there though, hopefully they could create a distraction so that "Asuma" could get away, and then Kakashi could show up as their backup, and hopefully Kakuzu would call it a night and back off.

"It's tough, realizing that an opponent is probably smarter with you, if only because of more experience," Shikamaru said out loud as Hidan continued gagging.

He took an extra pack from inside one of the vest pockets, and began putting items in it before hooking it to his pants. All the while, Shikamaru was careful not to get anywhere near the much more flimsy plastic bag he'd hidden behind his vest.

Picking up the scroll that had fallen out of his pack earlier, he summoned the water over his head, thoroughly soaking himself. He'd still need to disinfect later to be sure, but it looks like he'd gotten away with the horrible risk he'd taken. It was easy to say beforehand how worth it the result would be, but Hidan had cut at him pretty deep, and he'd been terrified of the splash for a second.

Plus there had been the whole "almost getting killed before the plan could even begin" part.

"Kakuzu's intelligence is why partly why we sent him on a wild goose chase," Shikamaru said. "The guy is a monster. Based on my last encounter with him, he's obviously hard to impossible to kill for some reason, just like you. And he's smart, so trying to eliminate him while also capturing you seemed pointlessly risky. But we did have one bit of leverage to use: his obsession with money."

Shikamaru clenched his fist.

"We knew we had no chance of taking you down unless we separated you. And since you just run off after what you want without a second thought all the time, you probably don't realize this, but actually trying to resist strong emotional biases is exceptionally difficult. And Kakuzu demonstrated he could do that last time we fought."

Shikamaru held up a finger before continuing, mostly using the time to analyze Hidan for signs of deception.

"However- he's probably not aware of the Impact Bias specifically. This tends to be personalized. Even though I knew about it and was specifically trying to compensate for it, I fell for it anyway in the very battle when we were using it against Kakuzu."

"And the only reason I was able to realize Kakuzu's deception at the last second instead of getting pulverized, is because I was aware of how much I wanted something in the moment. The bias affected my actions because I came to want the emotional satisfaction of putting you in the dirt so strongly that I lost for a moment, the reason why I was here in the first place: to get your blood.

Shikamaru took yet another breath, he was finally calming down now that it was done.

"And Kakuzu, he let his short term desire for a bounty immediately in front of him cloud his judgement about anything else. That is, he misrepresented the emotional importance of getting Asuma's bounty right now would have on his long term self. He failed to weigh the impact of that emotional decision, of how much it was twisting his priorities and letting him allow you two to be separated.

When a strong emotion is hitting you, it's like nothing else in the world matters and you forget to keep in mind that the emotion will pass. You forget that the strength of the present emotion does not necessarily have anything to do with its long term impact on you."

"Stop gloating. Hidan managed.

"What. Do. To Me." He wheezed in between spasms.

Shikamaru nodded before spreading his hands wide to take in Hidan's predicament.

"Congratulations- you now have about a dozen different degenerative, terminal illnesses all at the same time. Oh, and you also have 6 bodies worth of horse tranquilizers in your system as well. I observed that you can't die. However, you could still take damage. The blood is the key, it must sympathetically, well, that is- some as of yet unknown chakra connection process connects you to the blood and thus the entire body of you victim. The causality goes both ways, it's just that you happen to be unable to die. You mentioned being able to feel victims begin to die, so your systems must truly be in connection, the unique quality of yours simply prevents your body from closing up shop. Is it because you're endlessly regenerative? I didn't observe that, anyway. It simply seems to be some other force is artificially animating you.

Therefore, How does the expression go?"

He made a show of tapping his chin thoughtfully, all the while his eyes were still watchful of Hidan's movements. They were getting slower. He was staggering.

Shikamaru had to wait until he was sure Hidan was out before acting.

"Turnabout is fair play."

"Your blood is a two way street. It dishes out, but I gambled that it also TAKES. What do you know; looks like I was right."

Blemishes were breaking out all over Hidan's body now. He was vomiting blood.

"See, we approached a dozen terminal patients in Konoha's Hospital and asked them for help, specifically: their blood."

"You didn't." Hidan said, looking up at him aghast.

"We did," Said Shikamaru with a nod. "We mixed all of their blood together thoroughly and put it in plastic bags I tied to myself, covering every inch of me from the neck down."

Hidan was shaking with an apparent fever now. "He tried to stand up and suddenly staggered.

"What, what did you?" His vision blurred, the world spun crazily on both axis.

"Oh right, that'll be the horse tranquilizers. You see, I assume- well actually, I hope that your body is quite regenerative. Whatever process keeps it from dying must have that effect, I would think. Otherwise parts of you would rot and that would be a downer. We punctured both your lungs the first time we met and you weren't wheezing or anything. I think I could see your kidneys back then too, and no peeing blood or anything and it's only been 2 days. So maybe you don't use your organs at all, which is possible, but like I said, the organs would be rotting or swiss-cheezed by now and I'm sure you'd have a hundred holes in you or a million scars if you just healed naturally. But I thought, what if we didn't try to kill you? Just make your life a real pain in the ass. You know, troublesome?"

"FINE!" Hidan said, laughing crazily and drooling, on his hands and knees. "I'll just finish off your entire sick ward then!" He pulled out his spear spike and prepared to jam it in his chest.

Shikamaru tensed, he put his hand behind his back and used a scroll in his backpack to summon a net. He could not let that strike fall. Under no circumstances.

Hidan coughed painfully, and his hand started shaking uncontrollably. The spear clattered free and fell to the ground.

"Damn you." Hidan said weakly, his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

Shikamaru narrowed his eyes as Hidan went down in a big lump. He observed as the immortal began urinating all over himself and somehow managed to keep vomiting while apparently unconscious.

He threw a net over him while he was still in his circle.

After tying off the net carefully, he threw one end over a nearby tree, and got ready to yank if necessary. Then he thoroughly disarmed Hidan, taking his extendable spear and kunais and anything else sharp he had on him.

Not stopping there, Shikamaru then carefully (and while holding his nose and also putting on plastic gloves first) stripped off Hidan's clothing, leaving him completely naked.

He unlooped the net from the tree and then dragged Hidan out of the circle. Shikamaru scuffed the circle for good measure. He considered urinating on it, since he was that pissed off at what Hidan had been doing with his immortality, but managed to calm himself down first.

After all, wasn't dragging him naked all the way back to Konoha good enough?

Then just to be sure, Shikamaru brought out a kunai and loosened the top of the net enough so that Hidan's head poked up above it.

He won't die, Shikamaru thought to himself. This isn't murder. It's merely being cautious. He was surprised to find his hand shaking. It had been really close at times and now he just had to cut off someone's head.

No problem. His hand fell with a WHACK and Hidan's head bounced into the net rolling around.

Shikamaru took a deep breath, tightened the loop over Hidan's head again as hard as he could, hoisted the net over his shoulder, and dragged what was left of Hidan back to the clearing. He carried his head by the hair.

Cheers and laughter in equal measure reached Shikamaru's ears as he walked with his team back into the gates of Konoha, dragging Hidan's naked body behind him, and swinging head by the hair in his other hand.

"Warriors of Konoha," Shikamaru said, without irony, to the rows of sick people on beds blinking up at him as he entered the Konoha Hospital's main ward.

That's what they were, whether they seemed to be warriors or not. Their bodies fought an invisible war, and Shikamaru had merely used their courage and introduced their mutual enemies to each other.

"I bring you your victory." Shikamaru said simply. Usually he wasn't this dramatic, but he wanted to be now, for their sake. He held up the net containing Hidan's naked body, with his head lying on top of it. He'd popped it in there after he was reasonably certain it wouldn't just reattach on its own. There was a sock tied into his mouth now, to keep him from letting out a never-ending stream of cursing.

The nurses and Medical nin in the ward all turned to look at Shikamaru in surprise. He just stood there quietly, holding up Hidan's naked not-quite-remains.

After a few seconds, the hospital patrons who were awake nudged and threw pillows at those who weren't, and pretty soon all were gawking at Shikamaru. A good 10 seconds after that there was assorted applause, many of it a bit weak, but everyone was still in the process of waking.

Shikamaru said nothing, and merely waved Hidan around, like a banner.

Thirty seconds after that, there was full throated cheering, jubilant and deafening as Shikamaru presented them with the fruits of their sacrifice and daring. And Shikamaru thought, anyone who had walked by wouldn't have known right away the sounds were coming from a hospital full of doomed sick people judging by the noise.

They'd think it was coming from a stadium victorious.

As Shikamaru watched the sick patients banging chamber pots together and the ones who could walk doing little stationary dances with ones who were bed ridden, he beamed with pride. He thought-

Not all experiences are objectively good, but all of them can be assets, if we see them that way.

Anything can be a weapon, even your own illness.

When the cheering died down he spoke to them.

"In order to honor the risk you took today, I will make you a promise." Shikamaru said, bowing low to the patients.

"We will find the secret of Hidan's blood." he said to them. "And we'll use it to cure every one of you. It's unacceptable to me that a single member of Konoha die uselessly ever again." His gaze moved across them and fixed on the still form of Asuma, hooked up to a dozen machines and tubes, in a deep coma and near death.

You can't hear me, Shikamaru thought, But that goes for you too, sensei. He burned the words in his mind.

There was a stunned silence. Maybe it had been too much for them too soon. Shikamaru bowed low to them again, and then walked out of the silent room, dragging Hidan behind him, leaving his promise hanging on the still air of Konoha's hospital.

Note-

For even awesomer original fiction and other stuff like fake news articles go to-

Also, this is definitely still a little raw. But considering it's been years since I posted the other parts, I figured I should at least finish the experiment, and if I tried to make myself edit too much I was afraid I'd never actually finish it.

The section is light on description since most of it is so close to original canon, and so I felt weird about adding too much description. Maybe someday I'll come back and edit more based on suggestions. I tried to make Shikamaru a little more sardonic than I did in the first two sections which should make him at least slightly more canon-like.

Thanks for trying out my experiment. : )