Decisions and Desires

Once again I would like to thank all the guests that left such kind and thoughtful comments. I hope you enjoy the final chapter. LB

ooo000ooo

Chapter 17

Kitty took her time getting prepared. If things had been normal between them she would have rushed up to Doc's the minute they brought Matt back to town. But things hadn't been normal for quite a while, and she felt unsure of what was going to happen between them now. Doc had given her specific instructions. Try to forget that evening when everything had fallen apart between them, remember the good times they had had and focus on that. Take some lunch to share, and lock the door behind her when she got there.

She picked a blue outfit that she knew Matt liked and had done her hair in a simple style - he always liked it when she left it down. She had asked Sam to fetch a picnic basket from Delmonico's. It should be downstairs by now. There was a strange feeling in her stomach as she descended the stairs to the saloon. As she expected, the basket of food was waiting ready for her, but just before she picked it up an idea occurred to her, and she went back to the stock room and selected a bottle of wine.

Sam watched her. His gentle eyes smiled to her conveying a message more sincere than any words could say. She acknowledged his expression with a brief nod. The barkeep never knew exactly what had happened between his boss and the marshal, but he really wanted them to be back together. That was just the way things were supposed to be.

ooo000ooo

Kitty felt the butterflies rising inside her as she climbed the stairs to Doc's office. She had never been afraid of the man who held her heart, but it had been a long time since she had spoken to him, and the memory uppermost in her mind was still that final evening before he had left. She needed to put that behind her, think of a pleasanter time. That was what Doc had told her. Her hand was shaking as she reached out to open the door to the office, and she chided herself for letting her emotions run away with her. There were only two possible outcomes to this meeting, one good and one bad, and mostly there was not a lot she could do to influence that. She could not bear the thought that Matt might no longer be a part of her life. If that happened she could not stay in Dodge. Her life would change drastically.

She carefully placed the basket on the table then, just like Doc had told her, turned the lock in the door and placed his sign in the window saying he was out making calls.

At first she thought that Matt was sleeping. Her eyes skimmed over the muscular body lying on the bed. She could see the fading remains of a bruise on his face, but even that didn't spoil his looks. She wanted to jump in there beside him, but Doc had said to take it slowly.

He stirred and opened his eyes. Relief flowed through her. She could see the man there that she had not seen in weeks - the man she used to know.

"Welcome home, Matt," she said, almost a whisper.

His face lit up in a smile, and he opened his arms towards her.

"Come and lay down with me."

"You think I should?" she questioned.

"Yes … Please," he added feeling a little guilty, "There's a lot I need to say, and it's easier laying here. Doc showed me that, earlier today."

Tentatively she climbed onto the bed and gradually moved closer until she felt his hand take hers. Slowly she relaxed. There was a familiarity that was quickly coming back to her.

"There's a lot I need to say to you, Kitty," he repeated. His eyes were searching for the same spot on the ceiling he had found earlier while talking to Doc. Emotions and feelings were not easy subjects for him to handle, especially since he knew that he had seriously hurt the woman he loved. Somehow he had to apologize, and to explain himself. She started to say something.

"No, don't talk," he told her quietly as he carefully squeezed the fingers he was holding. His thumb began to move gently over the back of her hand. Small soft circles that helped her relax.

"I treated you pretty badly this summer. Doc told me some of what I did, but I guess there is stuff that only you know. I remember part of it, but it is all kind of disjointed in my head. It was like I was someone else. Everything just played out in front of me, and I couldn't stop it. I am sorry, Kitty. I don't know why it happened. Somehow I got so wrapped up in my work that I had no time for anything else. I wanted to be with you because I thought it would bring me peace, but it never did."

His voice faded for a moment, and she felt his hand tighten on hers. She waited for whatever was going through his mind to pass.

"There were bad things going through my head, Kitty, but I shouldn't have allowed them to make me treat you the way I did. Doc says they will fade with time, and I will learn to live with them. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I was totally wrong to use you like that, but at the time I couldn't stop it. I tried blaming it on Washington for sending me out of town so often, and then on all the cattle drives that came through. I even blamed Chester for leaving me alone even though I knew that the move was the best thing for him. I guess I even blamed you, and everyone else except myself. I should have asked for help, or turned down a trip or two. I was so deep in it I couldn't find a way out."

There was silence for a while. Eventually Kitty decided to break it.

"Is it my turn now Matt?"

He squeezed her hand gently. They were still lying side by side, both staring up at the ceiling.

"Yes," he said simply.

"Doc told me you had a fever much of the summer. He thinks some of what you went through was due to that. Mind you that is not an excuse for your behavior. You should have got help, and don't tell me there was no time. I'll be honest, you did hurt me, I didn't know what had happened between us, and I thought you were going to leave me. In a way you did."

He turned on his side to face her and slid his arm under her, pulling her closer to him.

"Can you forgive me, and will you take me back?"

He ran his free hand over her hair, then pulled her face closer for a soft, gentle kiss. As their lips parted he leaned back so he could look into her eyes,

"Kitty, I am so sorry, Sometimes I wonder why you wait around for me."

"I wonder that too, but I see something that draws me to you - badge and all."

"Arlo said something like that."

"Does he have anything to do with this?" She wondered what had passed between Arlo and Matt. "There was never anything more than friendship between us, Matt. Yes, I did spend a week with him, but we never got past friendship. Nothing ever happened between us."

"I know, Kitty, he told me that too."

He smiled that soft grin that invaded his whole face. She had not seen it in months, and it melted her heart.

"He's a lot like you, you know. He likes the open spaces, and doesn't like to talk too much, but he is kind and gentle and wants to make someone happy. I would say he is more than just an old friend."

"You're right, we're cousins. We were never really friends, just got thrown together by circumstances. I was surprised that first time he came to town with a trail herd. I hadn't seen him since we were kids. He wanted to tell everyone how we were related, but I persuaded him that 'old friends' would be better for both of us."

They lapsed into a comfortable silence. For Kitty it felt good just to lie next to the familiar body and feel his warmth. She wasn't sure that either of them were ready for anything more right now. Eventually she suggested that they eat lunch. She told him that she had brought a basket from Delmonico's and maybe they should go and see what it contained.

The food was good. Kitty hadn't been able to find any suitable glasses for the wine in Doc's office so she poured it into two of the old white coffee mugs that hung by the stove.

They had already consumed most of the bottle, and Matt felt relaxed enough to explain a plan he had been putting together in his head.

"Doc tells me I have three weeks of vacation coming. Perhaps we could do something together. Maybe get on the Santa Fe and ride to the end of the line."

She laughed. "You need a little alone time first, then maybe we can go to Denver or New Orleans. That would be fun."

"I know something else that would be fun. Doc said he wouldn't be back till evening and that old bed of his is quite comfortable."

Maybe it was the wine overriding any objections that were still in her mind, or maybe she had forgotten already about the events of the summer, but she wanted to be with him now, just as much as he wanted to be with her. Somehow, sitting here at the table in Doc's office, eating lunch and laughing, had put both of them back in their old roles.

He reached out and took her hand, leading her to the bedroom.

"You sure you're up for this, Cowboy?" Her voice was soft and smooth, almost seductive.

"Why don't we find out?"

End