Will froze.
He read the words over and over. He read them quietly, he read them out loud, but they didn't make any sense. How could she be pregnant? She had been on the pill, how was that even possible?
Date: 16 August 2007, 05:21 p.m.
Billy,
it's almost been 24 hours since I wrote the last email. Still no reply from you.
I pray you don't let me down. I really need you now... I'm overjoyed but I am also terrified about all this. I can't do this alone...
Mac
Date: 18 August 2007, 12:58 p.m.
It's been three days now and it slowly sinks in that you will not be responding. Neither to me nor to the news that we will have a baby in a few months.
I'm crying while I'm writing these lines – I don't know if it's the hormones or just my feelings about all this or my disappointment in you or a combination of all of the above...
As much as it hurts I respect that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore, but I was certain that you would not convey this resentment to your child...
I love you and I will always love you, but I have to accept that obviously we don't have any future together anymore. But I want you to be a part of our child's life.
I hope you do, too?
Mac
Will openly cried now.
What did – or rather didn't – he do?
He was going to be a father! Hell no, it's 2010, he was a father!
Date: 20 August 2007, 12:58 p.m.
Will,
I don't know if you read this but I will continue writing to you. In some weird way it makes me feel like we are doing this together. If you ever change your mind and do want to be involved, call me. Or at least write. I'll always be glad to hear from you.
I had the first doctor's appointment today.
I didn't really pay attention to my cycle, you know it's never been really „on schedule". I thought I had caught a touch of a stomach flu a few weeks ago, but oh boy, was that a mistake...
Now I'm already 14 weeks along, so it must have happened at the beginning of May. I like to think it was the wonderful weekend we spent at this adorable B&B in the Hamptons...Do you remember?
According to the doctor everything seems to be fine and the date of birth is supposed to be the 26th of January.
I hope you are as excited as I am?
I will keep you posted.
Mac
He remembered this weekend well. It was the last time they had been out of the city together and they had spent hours in bed, only interrupted by long walks and romantic dinners.
She had been right in one of her earlier mails; their relationship had continuously evolved and during that weekend he had made the decision that he would get a ring and propose to MacKenzie very soon.
She had to have sensed that and all she had wanted was to start their future with a clean slate... He was such a jackass!
Date: 23 August 2007, 04:42 p.m.
I'm so excited, Will. With the doctor's confirmation it's really starting to sink in now...I'm having a baby! WE'RE having a baby!
I am so very happy, but I'm also scared. I don't know if I can do this alone... I do know that I definitely don't want to do this alone... But you are the only man I would ever want to have a child with. Now that I can't have you I'm so thankful that there will be at least a little McAvoy in my life. (Maybe in our life...?)
I love you, please never forget that.
Mac
Date: 10 September 2007, 08:35 p.m.
I felt the baby move today for the first time! It was amazing and I almost started crying in front of my history of journalism class...!
Wish you were here.
Mac
Date: 26 September 2007, 04:42 p.m.
Exciting news, Billy!
I had the next scheduled appointment with my gynecologist today. I'm in the 20th week now. Everything is as it should be and I can tell you that we are going to have a little baby girl!
I'm crying (again) and I am just all maudlin. We're having a girl!
I hope she will have your blonde hair and your beautiful blue eyes.
I will attach the first picture of your daughter, isn't she beautiful?
I pray you are as happy as I am.
Mac
A girl! He had a baby girl!
He could hardly see out of his eyes anymore, which made identifying anything on the grainy sonogram picture she had attached to the mail virtually impossible.
He wanted to go down to Cambridge immediately and see the two most important women in his life, hold them in his arms and shower them with kisses. But then it dawned on him:
His daughter was not a tiny little baby anymore but a toddler by now.
And he didn't even know if Mac was still living in Cambridge. Maybe she had taken a job in another city in the meantime or perhaps she even went back to England to live closer to her parents. Maybe she had given up on him and was in a new relationship...
Oh God, please no! Not when he was finally getting his head out of his ass!
He would have to read all of her mails first and hope she kept her promise to keep him in the loop.
Date: 01 October 2007, 10:11 p.m.
I'm feeling great at the moment. The first trimester wasn't too tough, luckily I didn't suffer from morning sickness too much. Maybe it helped that I didn't even know I was pregnant then.
My breasts are much bigger now (you wouldn't recognize them, Billy, for sure! But you'd probably like them. I know you've always liked them... *sigh*)
Oh how she knew him...
and, I'm almost ashamed to admit it, I'm pretty prurient at the moment. I'm told it's normal in this stage of a pregnancy, just too bad I don't have anybody who can help me out with that...
I wish you were here to take me into your strong arms and kiss me senseless. I want you to touch my breasts, flick your tongue to this special spot on my neck and oh God, you remember what you used to do with your fingers...?
I'm actually blushing while I'm writing this... I guess if you don't stand on my doormat within 24 hours now I know we really are through...
I'm still hoping, as you can see...
You're the only one for me, Billy, but I do feel lonely, especially now...
I love you, always.
„I love you, too, MacKenzie..."
His voice failed him, so he just hung his head and cried.
Date: 07 October 2007, 02:14 a.m.
I can't sleep, my back hurts, I'm digested... I can't believe only a week ago I wrote how wonderful I felt. Luckily my good friend Sloan Sabbith from the Economics Department here at Harvard is being very supportive and patient when I start whining. I am pretty sure she'll hear much more of that in the upcoming months...
I have a pretty big baby belly by now and you wouldn't believe how hard your daughter can kick! I'm pretty sure she's gonna be a soccer player!
And with all of this going on I'm still horny like hell, can you believe that?
Did you think about a name you would like for our little girl yet? Let me know.
Date: 24 October 2007, 06:45 a.m.
Will,
just a little note to let you know that we're doing okay. I'm having a little heartburn, but not too bad so far. It was to be expected.
Sloan and I are done with the nursery. We (well, mostly she) painted the walls in a sunny yellow and the furniture is cremy white. We decided on Winnie the Pooh as a motive, you know how much I loved him as a child. Well, still do...
I talked to the dean and I will start maternity leave right after christmas break. I will then stay home for 2 months after our baby is born and after that she will go into day care, we have a great facility on campus.
Let me know what you're up to. I would really love to hear from you.
Mac
Date: 29 October 2007, 03:33 a.m.
Billy,
you never came back to me if you favour a specific name, so I decided to name our baby girl Catherine Elizabeth.
Elizabeth after my grandmother and Catherine after your mother; I know how much you still miss her.
Let me know if you have any objections.
Mac
P.S. You see I'm not sleeping well again... Wish you were here to give me one of your infamous back rubs...
Will couldn't help but keep on crying. He treated Mac like shit and still she was up and about, keeping him informed and even considering his feelings.
Catherine Elizabeth, what a beautiful name...
He felt like the absolute asshole he was for having let her go through all of this on her own.
Date: 27 November 2007, 11:15 a.m.
Will,
I'm sorry I haven't written for so long, but it's really getting more and more difficult to get everything done. I probably won't feel like writing that often anymore. Don't worry though, we are both doing fine (as if you care...)
Mac
Date: 17 December 2007, 06:45 a.m.
Will,
my belly is huge, I can't even see my feet anymore, let alone tie my shoes. Nowadays I'm mostly wearing shoes I just have to slip in, praying that my feet get hold of a matching pair... I'm short of breath, feel like a waddling duck when I'm moving and one moment I'm just grouchy, the next moment I snap at anybody who's near me and then again I'm chipper as a spring bird...
My mother will be coming from England today to stay with me until the baby is born, I am SO glad. I told you already I was terrified. Well, I still am. At least now I have somebody who will stay with me during birth. Though I wish it was you instead.
I meant what I said (wrote) – You're welcome here anytime.
Mac
Date: 25 December 2007, 12:05 p.m.
Merry Christmas, Will.
I'm through with work now and as much as I like teaching I'm actually relieved. It got harder every day.
My mother is a big help. Right now she's in the kitchen making me a hot chocolate with loads ! of marshmallows. She's been spoiling me rotten these last days. :-) My father has also come out for christmas, it's really wonderful. And I can't believe that our little girl will be playing underneath the tree next christmas. She'll almost be a year old then already!
What will you be doing today?
I know I'm repeating myself: Still wish you were here...
I don't think I ever told you, but I watch Newsnight whenever I can and I always tell our little munchkin that she should listen carefully, because it's her daddy talking to her.
It doesn't make forgetting about you any easier, but after all, what are the chances for that anyway...?
I still love and miss you. Always, every second of the day... But I know you have moved on, so I will try to stop telling you. Or at least only mention it on holidays and special occasions.
Mac
Date: 01 January 2008, 00:01 a.m.
Happy New Year's, Billy.
I love you and hope you are happy. (It's a holiday, so I'm allowed to say it!)
Date: 05 January 2008, 02:45 a.m.
I just want this to be over! I can't sleep, I can't sit, I can't turn, I have to go to the bathroom every five minutes... I want that pumpkin to get the hell out of me!
But I'm still terrified... How am I supposed to get a watermelon through something the size of a walnut?
My mother is a saint. You know how I act when I'm sick. It's similar – if not worse - now and she's so patient with me, I don't think I'll ever be able to make it up to her. I told her and she just smiled and said all will be forgotten as soon as I – and she – can hold our baby in my arms.
Did I tell you already that I'm hoping she looks like you? I know, I know, I'm pathetic...
3 more weeks...
Date: 15 January 2008, 01:30 a.m.
I can only write this late at the moment. My mother is almost always around me and she would absoluty freak out if she knew I was writing you... I told her what happened between us and while she basically tore my head off she doesn't understand that you are not the least bit interested in your baby. But she knows I like you and want you here so if you do want to come, don't be afraid to. She might put castor oil in your dinner but she'll let you live...
Date: 22 January 2008, 02:08 p.m.
Catherine Elizabeth McHale
Born January 22, 2008 / 07.53 a.m.
21.1 inches
8.3 pounds
Our perfect little angel. :-)
Will drew in a sharp breath and hardly dared to click on the attachment. When he finally did he saw a picture of MacKenzie, a beautiful, radiant MacKenzie, obviously exhausted but exhuberantly happy, holding a tiny little bundle in her arms.
His daughter!
He covered his mouth with his hand, teary-eyed and overwhelmed by a sudden surge of love overcoming him at the sight of them.
When he scrolled down he saw that there was a second picture, a close-up of Catherine sleeping peacefully in her mother's arms. A beautiful little girl with tiny but strangely enough at the same time seemingly endless fingers, a cute nose and a pink baby cap on her head.
He was a father...! He had a daughter!
An ecstatic grin spread across his whole face and he felt like if he was walking on air.