Will had gone out onto the terrace. He needed fresh air but first and foremost of all he needed to process everything that had happened tonight.
He couldn't believe that Mac hadn't cheated on him the way he had always thought she did. In a way that would probably have made it virtually impossible for him to ever forgive her. And now it turned out he was the prick and it was his fault that he had spent the last three years without the woman he loved.
Idiot, idiot, idiot!
But even more incredibly he had a daughter he never knew about...
A little girl he hoped would just be a miniture edition of MacKenzie, with shiny brown hair, sparkling brown eyes and a smile that would never fail to make his heart do backward somersaults when directed at him...
It was the beginning of March, which meant that Catherine was what now? 2 years and about 6 weeks old.
He was devasteted at the thought of how many things in her short life he had missed already... He needed to get back inside. He had seen that most of the mails now included attachments; surely Mac had sent him many pictures of their precious daughter.
His daughter – Will almost felt like leaping for joy when he walked towards the sliding doors to return to his computer.
Date: 29 January 2008, 10:15 a.m.
We are home.
I'm still pretty exhausted, so I am glad that Mom is here to help me out. But Catherine – I call her Cathy for short if I don't use ridiculous pet names like Sweetie, Pumpkin etc. - is a very quiet baby so far and relatively easy to take care of. Hard to believe when you think about the way the two of us used to argue and fight about so many things. But maybe it's just the calm before the storm, so let's rather not jinx it...
The birth was exhausting. It felt like an eternity but everybody keeps saying it was rather quick for a first child... It „only" took about 8 hours, but it hurt so much. However my mother was right: As soon as I held Catherine in my arms everything was forgotten.
Cathy is a beautiful baby, simply adorable. If it was up to me I would just hold her in my arms all day and look at her and play with her little fingers and toes...
Can you imagine that? I, who never really had a real connection to children before. I mean, I always thought babies are cute, but couldn't really understand what all this brouhaha was about... And now...? I'm fussing all over the place, you wouldn't believe it. I do hope it's at least partly the hormones...
You couldn't see it on the picture I sent but her hair is dark. It won't necessarily stay like that, but for now there's no little McAvoy-twin in my life...
I am honestly very disappointed that not even the birth of our little girl has triggered any response from you..
Will covered his face with his hands. „I didn't know, Honey, I didn't know. I'm so sorry!"
Date: 03 February 2008, 03:24 p.m.
Oh Billy,
this unconditional love you feel for your child is almost frightening; I would do anything for Catherine and that from the moment I first laid eyes on her. It's unbelievable, one moment there is nothing and the next moment you are holding a little miracle in your arms...
I have only known her for such a short time and already I cannot imagine my life without her anymore. I love her so much, Billy – And I know you would, too! Look at the pictures, isn't she just beautiful?
I want to thank you for giving me this special gift.
With all my love,
Mac
Will had to bite down on his knuckle to prevent the tears from falling again. He felt like a big mushy cotton candy ball inside and the alcohol he drank before surely didn't help.
Only after taking a deep breath he was able to continue reading.
Date: 13 February 2008, 06:35 p.m.
We went to our pediatrician for a scheduled check-up today and Cathy is fine. She is completely healthy and the doctor was very happy with her.
She has already grown and is much more alert then during the first weeks.
My mother will be leaving in a couple of days, she has been here for almost 2 months now. I am so grateful she came and helped me out. It will be scary to take care of Cathy all on my own, but we did develope a little routine so I hope that helps the both of us.
Date: 26 February 2008, 04:12 p.m.
Cathy deliberately smiled at me for the first time today! I went to pick her up after her midday nap. When she heard me she turned her head to look at me and then she gave me the most gorgeous smile. I swear my heart almost stopped right then and there, Billy! I wish you had been there...
After this a series of mails with mostly pictures followed and Will was fascinated to see the changes from one week to another. Cathy really was a beautiful baby and maybe it was just because he wanted her to, but he felt that she looked more and more like her mother.
Date: 23 March 2008, 06:35 p.m.
Will,
Cathy will be christened in two weeks, April 6th, at the Church of St. Paul here in Cambridge, I hope you will come.
It will be a very small affair after the Sunday service. Sloan will be her godmother and she is really excited about this. She loves our little doll and is always supporting us. My parents will be coming, too, and they are bringing our family's christening robe which my great-grandmother wore to her christening already. I'll probably just end up in tears for the whole ceremony...
But before that we are having another big day. Tomorrow I'll start working again and Cathy will go into day care for the first time. I can't imagine not being around her all the time anymore and having to leave her with strangers! I know it will be harder for me than for her and I know that they will take great care of her, but still... My little angel... I miss her already just thinking about it.
Mac
Date: 07 April 2008, 06:29 a.m.
I don't have to drop Cathy off at day care today (to which she has adjusted beautifully which in turn helps me a lot in accepting that I have to leave her there while going to work), as my parents are staying here to take care of her for the next couple of weeks. They can't get enough of her and I am really happy that they came over.
I just wanted to use this time to let you know that we had a wonderful christening ceremony yesterday, although Cathy did cry a little when her head got wet. Come to think of it, it actually sounded a little indignant.
I was secretly hoping you would show up but I guess I have to grow up and face the facts... Still, here some pictures of the christening party. You know my parents and the tall woman with the dark hair is Sloan, her godmother, I told you about her.
Will was overwhelmed by all that he had learned so far. But it was almost 3:00 a.m. already, so he started to rather scan the following mails instead of carefully reading them. He would do that later, but for now he just wanted to get to his family as soon as possible.
Cathy has started to turn herself from her back to her tummy and the other way around.
...
Our poor baby is having colics and has kept me awake for the last nights. I'm feeling so helpless and it hurts to see her in pain. And I'm so tired, I'm almost sure I fell asleep during a test I had my students take today, luckily a written one...
...
She loves to play peekaboo! It doesn't matter if I hold my hand in front of my eyes, step out of her sight and then back or put a blanket over her head and pull it down. She just loves it and smiles and laughs and kicks her chubby little arms and legs, it's heartwarming.
...
I had to stop breastfeeding, I just didn't have enough milk anymore. But I had started giving her formula in between before. She always had a few bottles ready in day care in case I couldn't be there when she was hungry. So the change wasn't too abrupt for her, I hope. I'm the one missing it, but it will make getting through the day so much easier...
...
June 28th, do you remember? It is (or rather would be) our anniversary today. I wonder what we would be doing to celebrate if we hadn't broken up.
And hey, I said I would tell you on special occasions:
I love you, still. There is nothing I can do about that. It feels like a physical law of the universe and I will never stop loving you.
You know I don't follow the tabloids, but although it hurts to think about you with another woman I do want you to be happy. I hope you have found someone.
Phew, if she hadn't read the tabloids she didn't know about the string of dates he had had a few months after the break-up, so at least he didn't cause her any more pain. He had thought it would be the easiest way to forget about her, but instead he just ended up comparing his dates to MacKenzie and none of them stood a chance. So he had quit the dating business and had just concentrated on his work instead.
...
So much is happening here, I can't believe you are missing it!
Cathy is trying to stand. Naturally it doesn't really work yet, but when I hold her hands she manages to hold up for a couple of seconds.
And yesterday she ate her first real food – porridge. She was a mess after we were done, but she liked it! Of course I have taken pictures, before and after. You can probably tell that she had carrots...
Cathy's face, her hands, her bib, everything was orange. There were even orange blobs in her hair and she laughed into the camera, holding a spoon as if she wanted to attack someone. So adorable!
And Will fell in love with her all over once more.
...
She is almost 8 months old now and the first teeth seem to be coming in, you probably know, what that means: More nights without sleep. But I don't mind, I just wish I could do more to help her. It physically hurts to see her in pain... :-(
...
Her first tooth broke through, look at the picture!
And then there was a mail that made him sit straight up.
Date: 11 September 2008, 08:45 p.m.
I'm watching Newsnight right now (No, you won't hear me say anything about the show itself...You certainly know my opinion about what has become of it...).
He squirmed, but he knew she had a point.
Often I record it and watch it together with Catherine.
Don't worry, I fast-forward when there are reports that aren't suitable for little children. She wouldn't understand the words yet, but I don't want her to see violence and death. I just want her to get used to your voice and your face. I always tell her that you are her daddy...
Seeing you tonight made me think about what Sloan said the other day. She thinks I should get out more and start dating... At first I completely dismissed that idea but now I think she might be right... It's been almost 16 months now that we broke up and I haven't had a single date since. I know I'm not quite ready yet, but maybe over the next weeks or months that will change.
I'm never really lonely - how could I be with having Cathy - but I do miss having a partner to talk to, to hold and support me and maybe even just say „Stay put, I will check on Cathy" when I'm exhausted after a long day.
Doing everything alone is challenging and as much as I love that little pumpkin sometimes it's frustrating.
Sloan has offered to babysit whenever I need someone and I also have a few students who I trust and who would like to make a few bucks, so that wouldn't be a problem.
Well, we'll see what happens.
Will's heart rate quickened.
He knew it was selfish of him but he didn't want her to date, he wanted her to wait for him!
He realized though that he had no right to ask her to do that, especially as he never did a single thing to keep her hopes up.
The next mails concentrated on Cathy again – the next teeth coming through, being skittish with strangers, starting to crawl and so much more, including pictures of all the important moments. He was so thankful that Mac had tried to include him the best she could, and that without ever getting anything in return.
And then...
Date: 15 November 2008, 00:32 a.m.
Will,
I haven't written in a while, sorry about that. I've been very busy lately with work and Cathy has gotten more and more active. She's constantly moving (at a pretty awesome speed!), pulls herself up on the furniture and tries to get everything out of the shelves she can get ahold of. I have to be after her constantly when she is awake and I'd never thought I'd be so grateful for the playpen Sloan got us. It helps to get at least a little rest in between.
Anyway, I really needed to get away from the daily chaos for a while so I accepted an invitation from a colleague. His name is Michael and he's a history professor. We met at a joint history lecture on journalism during World War II. He had asked me out a few times before and now that I finally felt ready we had a couple of nice dates. He knows that I'm just getting back in the game and we are taking it slow. But whatever happens, it's just feels good to get out.
Maybe I am actually ready to move on...
No, no, no!
Will glanced over the next mails but there was no other mentioning of Michael until shortly before christmas.
Date: 18 December 2008, 11:13 p.m.
I just wanted to let you know that Cathy and I will be flying to London for christmas to spend the holiday with my parents. It's the first time on a plane for her, I hope it works out and she doesn't cry the whole time... We'll be gone from the 23rd til right after New Year's, just in case you thought about dropping by.
Tonight we had our faculty's christmas party. I had planned on going with Michael, but we both decided a few weeks ago that we didn't work out. He's a sweet guy and we had good talks, but there just wasn't anything more. We kissed a couple of times, but... well... nothing...
Maybe that's to be expected when you start dating somebody after having been with the love of your life?
Yes, you are the love of my life, Billy. I had a few too many drinks tonight and seeing how rarely that happens nowadays I mark that as a special occasion. Christmas is close, too, so I say it:
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I have to go now, crawl under my covers and cry for a while.
Mac
Will just sat there and could only read these words over and over.
His heart cried out for Mac's pain, but maybe... maybe they would still have a chance after all...
Date: 05 January 2009, 09:21 a.m.
Will,
we are back home.
We had the most wonderful time in England. The flights were no problem at all and Cathy just twisted everyone we met around her little finger. She sure is a charmer, that little one!
My parents were just so happy to have us over for the holidays. They had been to Cambridge in the fall, but CitCat (my father gave her that nickname and she loves it! She laughs every single time she hears it.) has changed so much since then. We really have to try to meet more often.
Something amazing happened during our time there: Cathy said her first word!
She looked at me and clearly said „Mama"!
I stood there grinning like an imbecile for a few seconds and then I just had to scoop her up and kiss her all over. My heart spilled over, I can hardly describe the feeling... She's said it a few times since then so it wasn't an accident, that's for sure. My little angel...
Will... I also wanted to apologize for my last email. Not for saying that I still love you - that I do and I told you I would say it once in while - but for getting all weepy. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable; it's entirely my fault I can't move on.
Well, not entirely my fault... If you just weren't so damn perfect!
Date: 22 January 2009, 07:52 p.m.
It's our princess' birthday today!
Can you believe she is already 1 year old? It seems like yesterday that they put her into my arms at the hospital and I treasure every single second with her since then.
Sadly my parents couldn't come over. They will be here for Easter, so they delivered their birthday serenade via Skype. Sloan and a couple other friends came over this afternoon with arms full of presents and even some of my students got her some little things. I told you everybody loves her!
It was a long and strenuous day for her so she went to bed very early and is sound asleep now.
I can't thank you enough for the wonderful gift you have given me. If you only knew what you are missing out on...
Forever yours,
Mac
Oh yes, if he had only known...
„I love you, Mac. And I love you, my little darling... I'll see you soon, I promise!"