Despite being on an adrenalin high Will was getting tired, but he couldn't stop. Besides, he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, so he just made himself a strong coffee and continued reading.

Date: 13 February 2009, 10:24 a.m.

It's Saturday and thanks to Auntie Sloan I could sleep in today, it feels like the first time in ages. I actually just woke up a few minutes ago!
I had to attend a function last night and so CitCat had her first sleepover! I do enjoy the piece and quiet for a change but I am already starting to miss her, too. I'll have to get up soon, I promised to bring breakfast and after that we plan on going sledding. We're having so much snow here, it's wonderful.
I've been dreaming about you last night; it was actually kind of scary. We were skiing and I was caught in a snowdrift I couldn't get myself out of. I called you and held my arms out to you for help, but you just smiled and slowly passed right by me... I desperately called for you again... and then I woke up and was pretty shaken...
Do you think that was my subconscience telling me that you will never give me another chance?
Mac

NO!

Will scrolled quickly now, just scanning over the content of the next mails. He would catch up on everything concerning Cathy later but for now he needed to concentrate on Mac. He had to get to the end of this folder to find out where he had to go and if she still wanted to see him.

Date: 12 March 2009, 02:13 a.m.

I'm tired, Will, I'm so tired of being alone... It's been almost 2 years now that I haven't talked to you, that I haven't touched you. That I had anybody I could share my live with.
I'm in bed and just want somebody to hold me, to make me feel secure and to love me.
I don't know how long I can go on like this anymore...
Mac

Date: 15 March 2009, 04:46 p.m.

I'm sorry about the last mail, Will, I had a bad day.
Cathy was sick, she had chicken pox, and it was a really hard time, naturally for her but also for me. She was itching all over and I had to be on a constant watch so that she wouldn't scratch herself. She hardly slept at all and when she did it was a very fitful sleep. Consequently I hardly slept for 4 days either, and that was when I wrote those words. I just wanted to get one single night of uninterrupted sleep.
She is feeling better now, thank God, and last night we both got a good rest; we really needed that.

Poor little munchkin... And poor Mac - Bless her heart for being such a wonderful mother...

Date: 12 April 2009, 09:28 a.m.

Happy Easter, Daddy!

Believe it or not, Cathy just typed this! (Okay, I was holding her finger, but still...)
I wanted to let you know that she is really getting into that whole talking thing and last night she said „daddy" for the first time. I thought you might like to know that.
We just got back inside from our Easter egg hunt, you should have seen CitCat walking from one bush to the next (holding my hand, she can't walk alone yet) and then bending down with her diaper butt sticking up in the air to search underneath. Hilarious!

Date: 25 May 2009, 11:44 p.m.

2 years, Will, it's been almost 2 years to the minute that I left your apartment... Do you ever think back to that day? I often do, even though I don't want to. It still hurts so much.

„I know, Mac..." he whispered

I honestly don't understand that you still haven't forgiven me...

Will shook his head. There was nothing he had to forgive Mac for, nothing at all...

I know I did a terrible thing, but is it really so unforgivable, even after all this time?
It's not that I cheated on you after we had been together for months. It was during a time where I didn't know what I wanted yet.
I knew Brian and though obviously he was bad for me there was still something comfortable about him. I was only starting to get to know you and I had told you that I was on the rebound.
Don't you think that I've been punished enough by now? Especially as this is not only about the two of us. Our child is also involved in this; she is also being punished and she hasn't even done anything.
You should see her face lighten up when she spots you on tv... Luckily she doesn't understand yet, why you are not here and I'm dreading the day when she will be old enough to ask me. When she sees that her friend's fathers are coming home every day after work, that they bring their kids to school, play with them and read them a story at night... What will I tell her then?

I'm starting to lose hope that you will ever change your mind, Billy. I know my family and my friends can't understand that I haven't given up on you a long time ago already, but I always believed in you. Now it's getting harder and harder to do so...
I wish that wasn't the case, but I have to think about our – Catherine's and my – future, too. I was serious when I said I won't be able to do this alone forever...
So far I have taken everything as a well-deserved punishment for my mistake. But do you know what?
I have forgiven myself. I'm letting myself out of the dog house and will move on. I owe that to Cathy and to myself.

So for the last time:

I love you, Billy, with all my heart.
But I guess I'll have to settle for the next best thing.
Mac

For the second time this night Will froze. Did he not only ruin the past years for them with his stubborness but their whole future?

It couldn't be. It mustn't be.
How on earth could he fix this?

But there were still more e-mails, maybe she changed her mind?

Date: 31 May 2009, 01:32 a.m.

Will,
don't worry. I will keep writing. I still want you to be a part of Cathy's life and you need to know about her, just as she needs to know about you.
I watched this wonderful movie the other day: 'Dear Frankie'. A young mother is doing everything to assure her son that he has a loving father. Yet in reality they are constantly on the run to get away from him.
I will also do everything possible to have Cathy know about you. Except that we're not running from you but hoping that you'll come to us.
Isn't it ironic?

„I'm coming, Mac, I'm coming. I just hope I'm not too late..."

Date: 21 June 2009, 10:51 a.m.

Time for another update, a lot has happened.
Cathy is walking on her own now, sometimes still a little bit wobbly, but she's getting there. And she's becoming her own little person! She loves to cuddle and snuggle but she can also throw a pretty good tantrum if something doesn't go her way. I shouldn't be surprised, after all you and me both have our tempers.
I started seeing someone. His name is Wade and he is a lawyer at the District Attorneys office. He seems to be a nice guy; we had few dates and it was very easy-going.

Will swallowed hard.

Date: 15 July 2009, 07:08 p.m.

CitCat loves to go to the playground, especially splashing about in the sand box. Which naturally means she needs a bath every night, not only because of the sand but also because she now insists on eating on her own. You wouldn't believe the mess she's able to make by just eating a simple sandwich! Luckily she also likes playing with her rubber duck in the tub, so that's fine.
Wade's been over the other day to meet her for the first time. He wasn't really comfortable around her yet; he doesn't normally have contact with small children, but he's trying. He suggested to go on little outings, just the three of us, so they both get used to each other. Isn't that sweet?

Will ground his teeth. That jerk didn't only want to take Mac away from him but also his daughter... He wouldn't let that happen!

Date: 10 August 2009, 00:08 a.m.

We just returned from a 4-day trip to Niagara Falls today (no, seeing the time: yesterday), it was magical! I'll attach some pictures – Look at how Cathy enjoyed herself! I'm glad Wade went with us. The boat ride was partly pretty rough, so I rather let him carry our little girl, I didn't want to risk her falling into the water!

Away on a weekend trip, so he had to assume that Mac was really serious about this guy... Will couldn't help but imagining her kissing another man and going to bed with him and it made his stomach turn.
It looked like he had to start devising a plan on how to win her back...

Date: 29 September 2009, 08:18 p.m.

Will,
sorry for not writing for a while, but the new school year started and your daughter is also keeping me pretty busy.
We started potty training and she is doing really good. She's still wearing her diapers, but sometimes she does manage to let me know in time that she has to go potty and she is so proud when she does.
I'm proud of her, too, but it also makes me realize that she is really growing up so quickly...
One weekend a month she is now sleeping over at Sloan's place, it's become their thing. They both love it and Cathy is spoiled rotten, believe me!
For me it's nice to have a Saturday night for myself for a change. Last time I went to the theatre with Wade, that was really lovely. But I also like to stay at home, soak in the tub for hours with a nice glass of wine or just do whatever I please.
Mac

With or without him?
Will tortured himself with 'what ifs' though he knew he had no right to be jealous. He just couldn't help it...

Date: 24 October 2009, 12:23 a.m.

Will,
this year went by so quickly, not long and it's christmas again. I guess this year our pumpkin will mostly get books. She loves to be read to and if I don't have time she can spend hours turning the pages and looking at the pictures.
She is a big fan of Sesame Street, so her favourite book to look at is currently „The Monster at the End of this Book" starring Grover.
Speaking of christmas – I don't know what we'll be doing this year. My parents asked us to come over, but Wade thought a trip for just the three of us would be nice. I haven't decided yet, but I do miss my parents, as does Cathy. She's always talking about Granny and Grandpa. She actually does talk in little sentences already!

Date: 18 November 2009, 06:10 a.m.

Christmas will be spent in England. I broke up with Wade.

YES!

With these two sentences Will's whole posture changed by 180 degrees. She broke up with Wade, he had another chance!

The following mails only contained updates on Cathy, almost always accompanied by pictures. His wish had apparently become true – She looked almost exactly like MacKenzie. Cathy's hair was a touch lighter but even a klutz like him could tell that she inherited her mothers delicate features. Growing up she would break a lot of hearts, that's for sure.

Date: 22 January 2010, 07:05 a.m.

Our not so little girl is turning 2 today, I can hardly believe it.
We'll have a little party and my parents will arrive this afternoon as surprise guests. CitCat will be so thrilled when she sees them!
Once again I'm thanking you for the greatest gift of my life, Billy.
Mac

2 years already, it was unbelievable.
Catherine's life had been presented to him in fast motion and he was simply overwhelmed. He would do anything to make up to her that she had to live without her father all this time.

Only a few more mails to go, but before reading those he had to do something else first. He got his blackberry and wrote a message to Charlie:

'Need a few days off, starting today. Have Elliot cover for me. Will call you soon.'

...

„Dear Frankie" is a wonderful movie I stumbled across recently, starring a young Emily Mortimer and Gerard Butler. It's beautiful, very 'quiet' and deserves to be watched. Look it up! If you do watch it, let me know what you think.

And thanks for all your great reviews, I really appreciate it! It's fun writing this story. Probably just one more chapter to go...