It had been a long day and where they had found Camelot, they had not found Merlin. King Arthur was able to answer some questions, but those answers just led to more questions. The group was exhausted and so was Arthur and his men from their recent journey.
"Please let me extend my hospitality to you. Let's get all of you settled into your rooms for the night, and I will have the seamstress come by in the morning to get you outfitted for clothes while we take in what we have learned from each other about Merlin today. Perhaps tomorrow we will have clearer heads."
The last statement had been made when looking at Emma, and she couldn't help but hold onto Killian's hand even harder. He was her life line right now. He was keeping the darkness at bay.
The group was being assigned rooms close to one another. Robin and Regina in one. Henry was offered his own, as was Granny, Belle, and all the dwarves. There host was about to point one out for Emma, before she shuddered and her eyes fell to the floor.
"Love? What is it?"
"I'm ok."
"Clearly you aren't."
"It's just…" She noticed that the group was looking at her with concern and she was embarrassed having that much attention. She pushed through though and turned to Killian. "The darkness. Last night when I tried to sleep, it would not let me. Every time it noticed that I was starting to fall asleep, it took advantage of me being vulnerable… It tried to fill my mind with thoughts I would never have."
"Oh Love." Killian gathered her into his arms. "Did you get any rest at all last night?"
"No."
"Well you will tonight. You're going to stay with me."
Charming spoke up, "I'm not sure that is exactly proper. Snow and I can watch over her, we will be up half the night with Neal anyway." Killian could not help but stare at the prince.
Emma noticed the tension amongst the group staring. "No. I don't want to be anyone's burden."
"You are not a burden love. You know I would do anything for you, all you need is ask."
The fear of the dark one surfacing in her mind caused her to shiver. "Hold me."
"I am love. And I will." Killian was rocking her back and forth in his arms.
Snow raised her hand to Charming's arm. "Let them sleep. Why don't the rest of you get some rest as well?" And with that everyone aside from Charming, Snow, and Henry left them to their chambers for the night.
"I'm afraid. I don't want to hurt anyone. Last night with Meredith, the dark one tried to convince me to kill her then. What if the dark one wants me to kill one of you? I can't lose you."
"You won't."
"Emma?" Snow nearly whispered.
Emma turned from Killian's arms to face her mother.
"Emma you are strong. You are good. Not because of what your father and I did long ago, but because you are you. This darkness… it isn't who you are. It is just another thing that wants to hurt you, so that it can take advantage of you. Don't let it - Not for me, your father, Henry, or even Killian. You need to find the strength to hold it at bay because you love yourself too. Love who you are Emma. All of us will remind you how much we love you, not because you are the savior or what you do, but because of who you are. From the outside we can help you with that more than you probably realize. I know the battle you are going to be fighting on the inside, but don't forget who you are."
Emma was tearing up at this point, and moved to hug her mother. "You don't know all the things I have done. What I have had to do to survive."
"You're right, I don't. But I know all the things that I have had to do to survive. Actions alone don't define us. They are a reflection of the past, not of today or the future. None of us are perfect, but you don't have to be perfect to be loved."
"I love you mom. So much."
Snow and Emma just clung to one another. Charming joined in, as did Henry. Killian just stood back and watch until Snow lifted her chin and looked at him. "Oh, get in here too pirate." Everyone slightly chuckled at that. Killian put one arm on Henry's shoulder and the other on Emma's.
"Alright." Snow declared them with a smile. "Are you going to stay with Killian or do you want to stay with us?"
Emma blushed a little at that. "I think I will stay with Killian."
Henry stepped up to Emma then and hugged her yet again. "I love you mom."
"I love you too."
Charming relented to the outcome of tonight, and turned to Killian. "You treat her with respect."
"Dad."
"Always." Killian answered.
Charming pulled Emma into a big bear hug and lifted her off the ground. "I love you pumpkin."
"I love you too."
With that Snow, Charming and Henry took to their rooms. Killian held onto Emma's arm and guided her into the suite they would share.
It was a beautiful room. Walls were made of stone and held the heat of the fire in the hearth. The balcony overlooked the courtyard with the mountains highlighted by the moon. And a four poster bed layered in soft pillows and blankets called to Emma almost immediately as they entered.
Emma walked first to the balcony to take in the sight. Killian left just for a second to check the fire's level and then turn down the bed. It wasn't until Killian started to move a chair close to the bed that spoke.
"Stop. I know you are trying to be a gentleman, but what I need tonight it for you to hold me."
"Aye love. I was planning that. I just wanted to move this here in the case that your father woke us in the morning and at least have the pretense that I didn't intend to ruin your virtue."
"Virtue? Ha." She couldn't help but laugh a little. "I took in the darkness, I had a son at 17, and haven't lived the most delicate of lives overall… I think virtue is out the door."
"Still, you're his princess."
"Something else I have a hard time identifying with."
Killian could not help but just stand there and take in the sight of her in the light of the moon on the balcony. She was here, with him. The darkness had not taken her completely away from him. But he caught on that perhaps the doubt and uncertainty that she has for herself, like everyone else, might be one of the weak points that the darkness would try to exploit. He knew from his own experiences that defining a person is far more complex than assigning a label, just so that other might feel comfortable with their understanding of a person. But when it came to that person themselves, like himself, sometimes it is hard to accept that one person can be many things. He didn't want to upset Emma, but perhaps having a deeper conversation would help her.
"Killian, what are you staring at?"
"Not staring, gazing… We're here. Together." He reaches his arms out towards her, and she can't help but move into them. "Gods love, I thought I lost you." Pulling her even tighter into his hold.
Emma looks up at him and sees that tears are falling from his eyes. She reaches up and starts brushing the tears away, and finds that Killian starts doing the same to the tears that she didn't realize that she was shedding too. Leaning their forwards together, they just breathe one another in.
Killian's palm starts to guide her cheek up so that he might kiss her, but Emma stops him. Turns away.
"Emma? Why?"
"It's not what you think."
"I don't even know what I am thinking in this moment love."
"Can we sit together by the fire, much like we do at the docks? I'll tell you."
Gathering a blanket from the bed, Killian walks towards the fire, takes off his jacket and situates himself on the floor. Emma follows suit, and also removes her cloak and gathers herself in a tiny ball of limbs cocooned in Kilian's and leans back against his chest. Killian throws the blanket over them and Emma can't help but immediately release a sigh of relief.
Looking over her shoulder she instantly catches his gaze.
"I love you, Killian."
"Emma.."
"No. Don't say it. I know how you feel."
"Why don't you want me to tell you what you already know then? Why don't you want me to kiss you like I always have?"
Taking a deep breath, she presses tighter against his body, but looks into the fire as she says this.
"I think you are my true love." His breath catches and grips her hand. "I think your kiss can take this darkness from me."
"Then why aren't we kissing and taking full advantage of that rather large bed right now love?"
"I would like nothing more." She pauses, and looks at him. "Truly." Taking another breath she starts again. "I can feel your presence Killian. When we are near or when you are touching me, I can feel the light magic in me flutter and then expand. The light in me is in a horrific battle to stop the darkness from suffocating me. I can feel all of it."
She looks back over her shoulder and sees him watching her closely. In that moment she doesn't want to lose eye contact with him, so she turns on her knees and still holds herself as close to him as she can.
"I think that if we were to kiss that the darkness would leave me, but I don't think that it would be destroyed. I think the darkness would just move on to another target, perhaps even you since you are the closest one to me, and capture another host. For now I have been able to keep the darkness at bay, and even more so when I am with you, but I fear the retaliation that we would face from it if we don't find a way to not only expel it, but to contain or destroy it."
"Why you? I've been asking that since you sacrificed yourself."
"Because of my light magic, I am the only one who will be able to buy us time. As much as it pains me to say this, especially after I know what Gold did to you, the darkness in of itself is far worse than what Gold did with it." Immediately Killian tenses. "Let me finish. Please…" And Killian sighs in defeat. "Yes what Gold did was terrible, and he deserves every bit of vengeance that you wished on him. But this darkness is something else. It is evil on a level that I have never dreamt before. Life, existence, anything… is nothing more than a pawn for its unending of hunger for power. In some ways Gold truly did contain it, or the enchanted forest would have been turned to ashes for mere curiosity."
"How do you know this? Do you feel it? Do you sense it?"
"I feel it, I sense it, but it also talks to me. I know it is only inside my mind, but when I was out in the woods before you showed up, even while I was there with Meredith, it took the form of Rumpelstiltskin, as a crocodile as you know him, and tries to lure me into making bad decisions."
"Great, so not only are you cursed with the dark one, you are also cursed with the image and conversation of the crocodile."
"I dare say it is better than some of its other forms it showed me – terrifying."
"But that's part of it Emma, the darkness is trying to make you comfortable with it. You know the crocodile, you have worked with the crocodile, it will use that."
"I know. And that is the game now. Where it tries to use familiarity to control and persuade me; I use the same to play defense. I just don't know how long I have."
"Not that I was planning on leaving your side, like EVER, it seems even more imperative that I stay at your side at all times now. Especially, if you really think I am your true love." Killian can't help but emphasis the last bit about true love with a sexy smirk. "You need to be truthful with me. Please my love, don't fear telling me what is going on in that lovely head and heart of yours. If you are on the verge of losing this battle, please let me prevent you from falling before I can't save you."
"I will try. I really will." Emma takes him into a tight hug again. Whispering in his ear… "I want a future with you Killian. I'm terrified to say this, but if I don't get the chance you need to know… a lifetime with you won't be enough, but I want every quiet moment we can get."
"Aye. As do I my love."
Emma slides down on her side with her head over his heart. "Do you trust me still?"
"You know I do."
"Will you let me do something for you?"
"What is it?"
"Will you let me put a protection spell on your heart? I need you safe. Not only from myself, but I also need you safe from anyone that would try to use you as a pawn to get to me or this darkness. Aside from the dagger or Henry, there is no better way to control me, than to control you, and you don't deserve that."
"I am yours Emma, I always have been, and I always will be. Do what you feel needs to be done. I do trust you. And frankly, I kind of like the idea of not having my heart ripped out of my chest again… but love do it because I promised you that I will always see the good in you, and I will also promise to always be with you love. I will never willfully leave your side." He sees her tremble a bit. "Honestly, it terrifies me too, because in the off chance that we don't conquer the darkness, I still won't leave your side, even if you will it. I have traveled the dark road before. I will not let you do it alone. I am yours forever."
"Killian… you have overcome so much anger and hurt. Why?"
"You know why, even if you won't let me speak the words."
Kneeling between his legs Emma focuses on the flicker of the light from the flames as they dance on his face to calm her nerves. Thinking to herself about how much she loves this man before her. She takes her hands and places them over his heart. She starts leaning back and forth and starts chanting a couple times, "Protect my love. Protect what is mine." Her hands start to glow white and warmth passes through Killian's chest.
"You're amazing love."
"So are you."
Emma shifts back into her original spot of having her back leaning against his chest and takes in his warmth and the fires warmth.
"This feels so good."
"Aye. We will figure this out love, and we will have a long life together."
"How do you know?"
"Hope. You have taught me that. Against impossible odds I have yet to see you fail. You are bloody brilliant. I also know that I will do everything in my power to destroy this darkness. I have spent three hundred years chasing it down. Don't think, when it has latched onto what is most important to me in my entire existence that I will back off now. Where I failed before, it was because I was motivated by hate, and pain. Now I am motivated by you and being the man that I once was – who I want to be, and nothing in this world will stop me from saving you love. I want you to know that man as well." He can feel her shift to say something, but stops her. "And don't you dare say that the only one that saves you is you. You do need to save yourself. You need to not worry about how others perceive you even with this power, and just worry about holding onto all the good that is in you."
"Killian… I was going to say that I love the man that you are today. I love the man that you were yesterday. And I even think I loved the man you were when climbing that beanstalk. I even had a thing for that version of yourself from the past in that tavern."
"Oy, don't think I didn't notice that. I had to watch you seduce an older version of myself that I have no respect for."
"Killian, he was you. Even under all those layers of ego and innuendo, he was you. And I will always love you."
"Emma." He whispers and pulls her tighter against his chest and the fire starts to develop hot coals with slower flames. "Perhaps, then you can understand, how I will never give up on you. Any version of you, any future we have, you will always have me."
He tracked back to his original vein of thought. "Also love, thought it might be painful, acknowledge the bad as well, for it is a part of you, but truly ask what was the catalyst for the bad… was it the need for survival?; was it the need to feel alive? – because that too is very important in our lives when we have felt nothing but pain; whatever it was don't limit yourself to thinking about only the effects on other people but think about yourself as well. That isn't selfish, that isn't wrong, even if it has been programed into that savior DNA of yours… that is being human. For if you can't find yourself, you will have nothing to give to others. Also accept that you, like everyone else is a complex – multi dimensional being – there can be many sides to you, and not all of them have to be understandable by everyone that you meet. You don't need anyone's approval other than your own. Please love, don't let the darkness leverage any insecurities that you might harbor. Face them straight on."
"I fear for you Killian. This isn't going to be an easy path. But I hope for us as well."
"Aye." Pausing for a few minutes. "So tell me love, what are some of those details in a future of us, that you would like to have?"
"Seriously, you want to play what ifs. That could lead to disappointment if we don't get what we say we want?"
"We will get what we get. So long as I have you I could never truly be disappointed. But I want you to visualize the future you want, and the future I want… I want you to picture our future, and I want you to hold onto it. I promise to be completely honest with you as to whether I like it or not, and I hope you will do the same. If we disagree, then lets make a promise that after we have internally accepted the challenge to our "wants" that we seek a solution that is mutually beneficial."
"You sound like you are forging a treaty."
"No, I am forging a future with you. So tell me what do you want?"
"I have you, I already have everything I want."
"Aye. And I you. But I for one would like to see us maybe go on a few more dates."
"Does this count as a date? Romantic fireplace, in a castle that overlooks the mountains, with a giant four poster bed?"
"I think for us this does count as a date." They both laugh at that. Until Emma speaks again.
"I want a house I think, one that I own, that no one can take from me. Growing up I was never able to have my own space, and since I have come back to Storybrooke, I have not been able to have a decent amount of privacy to really get to be me. I love my family, but the loft is very exposing, which in an ironic way kind of kind of has closed me down a bit." Killian hums and encourages her to continue. "Its little things like singing in the shower or feeling free to walk into my kitchen in nothing but a button down shirt. Before I do anything I have to think about who is there and whether I will offend them by my actions."
"I for one would love to see you be so free to do those little things. I would love to hear you sing in the shower, perhaps I would even join you if you would let me. And I would love to see you walk around your home in nothing but one of my button down shirts."
"Hmm…" Emma's head starts to burrow a little further into Killian's chest.
"Getting tired love?"
"Yes, but I was also thinking about how much I would enjoy slipping out of bed in the morning in one of your shirts to make hot cocoa, and then bring two cups back to the bedroom, and wake you with my lips tasting of chocolate and cinnamon."
"Are you sure you won't let me kiss you now? You have any idea how much I want that too? How much I want all of you?"
"Probably as much as I want you."
"Minx." Killian shifts up a bit and forces Emma to sit up as well. Pulling the blanket around her to keep her warm, he then gets up and put more firewood on. Coming back to Emma, he kneels down and not even giving her the option picks her up and cares her to the bed.
Looking at her dress, he quickly looks around the room to see if there is a night dress.
"What are you looking for?"
"I was seeing if the staff had left you a night dress to change into?"
"What are you planning on sleeping in?"
"Probably just these clothes."
"Well maybe the answer to the sleep clothes problem is easy, cause I know you normally sleep in nothing." He raises an eyebrow at her. "Can I sleep in your shirt captain?"
Jesting with her. "Are you trying to kill me love?"
"No, I'm living for today and so are you."
"Too right."
Killian strips off his vest and then his shirt, leaving his chest exposed to Emma as she sits on the bed. She can't help but reach up and trace the contour of his chest. Killian grabs one of her hands and interlaces his fingers with hers.
"Hope Emma. Don't stop hoping. Remember how many people love you and how they love you."
Emma's other hand reaches up and cups his chin. "I love you. So much."
She takes his shirt and moves behind the screen in the room so she doesn't torture her pirate any more than already done. Coming back around the screen she has changed into his button down and her long legs glow in the light of the fire and candles by the bed. Killian is already under the covers with her side pulled back for her.
"You're a vision love."
"So are you, waiting in bed for me." She leans over to blow out the candles by the bed.
"Come here love." And with that Emma crawls into the bed, and spoons against Killian. He has taken his hook off but left the brace. He wraps both arms tightly around her, and lets her mold against him as her arms interlink with his as well. "If the darkness comes to you this night, remember that I am right here, and I am not leaving you – for better or for worse – you are stuck with me. Wake me if it happens, and tell me what it says to you. I will tell you the truth, and I know you can always tell whether I am lying to you or not. I will protect you my love."
"I know."
"Sleep my love."
Images of the crocodile did not invade her sleep that night. Instead dreams of Killian and her with Henry on the Jolly Roger laughing and signing came to mind. She did wake several times in the night, but was pulled back to sleep by the pull of Killian's strong arms around her. She felt safe. She felt loved. And despite knowing the fear and darkness that lurked in her she hoped and visualized the day when this was all over.
A/N: 5x01… good enough to get me writing again. It has been several months since a family member of mine had a brain injury that has kept me too busy to sit down and write, let alone do almost anything for myself. Watching the season premiere though… inspired me to write again… something I haven't had in a while.
I am envisioning this story being a missing scene format from each episode, but to still support some of the elements of each chapter… all dependent on what the writers and creators of OUAT give us. Hope you like.