This chapter is very personal to me. I'm publishing it without really editing because I'm worried that if I read it, I'll change my mind about publishing it. This is one of the hardest things I've ever written and it's because Riley and I share a lot of common pains in life. This is definitely a rated T chapter.
Seven o'clock in the morning and sibling warfare was already happening. One of the few times Andy was able to stay all night without being called out on a case or thought that leaving before the twins got up was a safer plan, they both woke to the sound of angry teenagers.
"It is my day for the car, Rusty!" Riley snapped, slamming her hand down on the table. "It's Tuesday. You'll get the car tomorrow."
"I don't need the car tomorrow, I need it today!" Rusty shot back, keeping the keys out of his sister's reach. "I'm going to be late already and there is no way I have time to take a bus. Plus it's a sixteen hour day. I won't be back-"
"Not my problem!" Riley crossed her arms and maneuvered herself to where her brother couldn't get past her to the front door. "We made the car schedule based on our work schedule. I have the car today, you have the car tomorrow."
"I don't need the car tomorrow, Riley!" Rusty's voice was getting louder and more frustrated as Andy groaned. The argument had gone on for ten minutes before he bothered to wake up, but Sharon was already getting dressed for the day. She took a quicker shower if she managed to sneak out of bed before he could distract her. They made eye contact as she put on her earrings and neither of them were excited to exit the bedroom.
"Well, you should have thought of that last week when we were making the schedule! I have to work at eight and I have piano, not to mention an appointment with Dr. Joe. Give me the damn keys!"
The sound of chairs scooting across the kitchen floor made Sharon sigh before heading out the door. She didn't play referee. They were eighteen. Some things they needed to learn to settle on their own. It was Riley who suggested the schedule so it was no surprise that Riley wanted to stick with it. Rusty on the other hand didn't have a schedule as set as she did so he did get the short end of the stick at times. The working world was making them both difficult to live with at times, but Sharon wanted them to experience the responsibility… even if she wasn't exactly thrilled about the angry wakeup call.
"Compromise."
Sharon's cold tired voice stopped the argument immediately. Rusty had the decency to look at least a little guilty that he woke her up while Riley was too busy with her head in the fight.
"I shouldn't have to compromise! It's my day!" Riley's lack of being a morning person sometimes made her the most difficult person to deal with before nine AM. Sharon loved both her kids, but just like Rusty could be stand offish, Riley could be downright hellish.
The glare alone from her mother reminded Riley to change her tone. "We set a schedule for a reason-"
Sharon held up her hand. "I know what you did and now I'm telling you to find a way to deal with it."
Riley's glare rivaled Darth Raydor's but the girl finally collapsed into the chair.
"You can have the car tomorrow and the next day, Rye. I just really need it today," Rusty tried, sounding truly apologetic. "I'll owe you one."
Riley crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from her brother. "Damn straight you will. Fine. Take the car. Whatever."
With a quick thank you, Rusty was out the door. Riley sighed as she leaned back in her chair, barely turning to glare at her mother. "Rusty is your favorite. Just admit it. I should have gotten the car today because that's what we agreed on."
The warning look Sharon shot her was enough to have Riley back pedaling at least a little. She knew better than to play those games with Sharon. Rusty and she had a very different relationship than she had with Riley which left both twins at odds. They needed different ways of being loved. Rusty needed a support system that was solid and fair. One that he could test occasionally and make sure that it was in fact balanced and safe. Riley needed hugs and reassurance. For being twins they were not anywhere similar in love languages.
"Please change your attitude," Sharon warned as Riley pulled her knees into her chest. She was already wearing her red lifeguard swim suit with a pair of jean shorts. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a long French braid and she looked absolutely exhausted with dark circles under her eyes. "What's wrong?"
The speed at which Riley's head turned to look at her was a bit humorous as much as it was concerning. "Nothing, why?"
Sharon occupied herself with starting her breakfast. "Because you've been irritable lately, you haven't hardly spoken to anyone if it wasn't to pick a fight, and you have decided on your own to see Dr. Joe but didn't tell me."
With a quick glance Sharon notice Riley's cheeks turn a shade of pink while her index finger traced a pattern on the table. "I want to say nothing and that I'm fine," Riley sighed. "But I know better."
At that, Sharon felt herself smirk. It took two grown children and twins, but at least one kid knew that lying to avoid something was not going to work in her household.
"I've been having nightmares again…"
Sharon turned around and looked at Riley. Her face seemed paler at the mention of the nightmares and she didn't want to look up. Quietly, Sharon took a seat beside her. When Riley first came, she had nightmares. More than she ever shared with her mother or brother, but she promised they had mostly gone away since Wesley Kilburn was in jail and Philip Stroh's case was over. This was the first time Riley had ever mention nightmares as something that was currently happening.
"Do you want to talk about them?" Sharon asked softly. With Rusty it was approach with caution and respect, with Riley it was approach with empathy and tenderness. "I am glad you're going to see Dr. Joe, but I want you to know that you could never bother me, honey. If you need me, I'm here."
Riley nodded but also shrugged. Her nails were suddenly very interesting as she traced absent circles on the dark wood of the table. Taking a breath, she looked up at her mother. "I think I know-"
Andy walked into the kitchen, barefoot and sleepy eyed. Riley's face fell and she suddenly found the table interesting again. Apparently she didn't realize Andy was also joining them for breakfast.
"I'm going to head out so I can catch the bus," Riley muttered, reaching for her bag on the floor. She was out the door before Sharon could even get a proper goodbye.
Andy watched too, his brows furrowed as he poured himself a cup of coffee from the pot Riley had made. "She's been odd lately."
That was partly true, but Sharon had a feeling this was supposed to be where Riley needed her mother or at the very least another female. This was also one of those rare times that Sharon wished Andy wouldn't have been there.
The all night and breakfast thing was still kind of new, which was ridiculous. She and Andy had been together for years now and she still most of the time wanted him out the door before the twins woke up. It wasn't that she didn't want him there it was that she already had him at work and often had him at night too, and mornings were still hers. They were hers and the kids'.
"I think she's upset about Kevin Tao's new girlfriend," Sharon whispered as though Riley was still in ear shot. "They had quite a fling for a while."
Andy looked completely shocked. "Kevin Tao and Riley? Our Riley?" Sharon nodded and he ran a hand through his salt and pepper hair. "How did I not know this?"
"I think Rusty was the only one who was actually told, and I still think he just found out by chance." The level of Andy's distress made Sharon smirk. "Didn't you notice that I started having Riley stay the night at your place rather than Tao's?"
"I just thought it was because you wanted us to bond or something!" Sharon laughed and Andy sighed. "Between Rusty and Riley, I'm going to have a heart attack with their love interests or lack thereof. No more Kris's. No more Kevin's. They're going in a tower."
As Andy lifted the mug of coffee to his lips Sharon raised a brow at him. Too much caffeine was bad for his blood pressure. With a big sigh, he set the coffee down and Sharon went to work making them tea. As she past him, she placed her hand on his chest. "I only do it because I care."
He smiled sweetly at her and pecked her lips. "I only drink it because I love you."
There was something in her eyes that flickered before she turned away and back to the stove. Love was still such a hard thing for her to say to him.
Her hair smelled like saltwater. It was one of her favorite things about the pool she worked at. It was a salt water pool right by the ocean because resorts think that people like those things and apparently they did. Mostly drunken adults swam there, a few teenagers who parents wouldn't let them explore California without them, and ladies who wanted to tan and sip on umbrella drinks.
The smell of salt water was the only great thing about her job. Every day she would wait for noon to come for her hour lunch break, then go back until three or four. It was hot and she was encouraged to enter the pool with the others but she rarely did. Her luck someone would drown the moment she couldn't see them. So after another miserable shift in the sun, she ducked into the employee bathroom to change out of her swimsuit and into her sun dress.
Her skin was the darkest it had ever been, but it still wasn't very tanned considering. A large portion of her paycheck when to the hourly reapplication of sunscreen that Sharon constantly bugged her about. One day she came home looking a little too lobsterish and her mother freaks out about skin protection. Either way, her shoulders and cheeks always ended up a little pink.
"Looks like you need some better sunblock."
She must have been lost in thought again because she suddenly found herself staring up at Dr. Joe, giving her that patient look he was so accustom to having. "Why did you make this appointment if you just are going to star off into space for the entire hour, Riley?"
Because she wanted to talk, really. She wanted to say something but now it was like her lips wouldn't open to say what was bouncing around furiously in her head. Maybe she should have asked for a female therapist, but that may have just fueled more mommy issues than any hour of therapy could handle. The feelings were drowning her and the words were at the surface that she couldn't find.
"I'm, um, not so good."
She wanted to hit herself for the understatement. She was being reckless and self-destructive and it finally caught up to her. The worst part was she found herself acting like her mother in all the worst ways, not that her mother had many good ways. Even after the warning and lecture she got from basically every member of Major Crimes, Riley kept pushing the envelope to see what LA looked like from a college freshman's eyes, or a girl who was going to be a college freshman.
Dr. Joe crossed his legs and leaned back in the chair. She could feel him studying her as she stared past him to the blank off-white wall. Why did therapy take place in the super cubical? Didn't he have an office somewhere or was he one of those I come to you therapist?
"I can see that, as can Sharon and Rusty, I'm sure."
He wanted a reaction from her but it wasn't what he expected. Typically bringing up Sharon and Rusty made Riley's mood lighten at least a little, this time however Riley looked even more broken. "We all just want to help you with whatever the problem is."
Riley's head dropped. "I know."
The slightest movement he made had her watching him again. Those normally kind blue eyes moving like a rabid animal's. He could see that this was what Sharon had mentioned when Riley was sixteen. He had never been witness to it until now.
"Riley, you want to say something, I can tell," Dr. Joe encouraged softly being careful of his body language. The girl pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them to her as she rested her cheek against her leg. "And it's okay if you can't say it now. Why don't we start with something else? Sharon told me that you have decided to call her Mom and have been doing so for just over a month now. You must really trust her."
It was a loaded statement and he expected an answer of some sort. Rusty would have shot him something sarcastic and defensive. A typical Riley answer would have been bubbly but also self-conscious. She always seemed nervous about showing how much she loved something, like she knew it was going to be taken away too.
This time however, Riley didn't answer. The statement hung heavy in the air until Riley let out a sigh. "I'm sorry for wasting your time today, Dr. Joe," she began as she picked up her backpack. "But I think it would be best if I just went home."
He stood up and watched her quickly make up the space between them. "Riley, something is really upsetting you-"
"I just need to get over it, I'll be fine."
Then she was gone. She didn't stop to look up at anyone as she passed through the room of friends and co-workers of her mother's, but kept her head down and her steps quick.
Dr. Joe almost chased her out, but stopped just beside the murder board to make eye contact with Sharon. Something was very wrong and Riley was not ready to say what.
She walked into the condo and didn't look up until she got to the bathroom. Immediately she started stripping off her sundress and underwear, standing naked in front of the mirror. The purplish bruises on the sides of her breasts had turned yellowish, along with the finger print marks on her hips.
Drinking didn't happen often, in fact she had ever only done so twice. Monica was there with her, along with Hilary and Philip. They were supposed to look out for each other.
She knew Jake, she liked Jake. They had gone out a couple times, and Sharon had even met him when he picked her up. They were coworkers, but she worked at the pool and he worked in the restaurant. She thought it was okay that she invited him to the house party.
He didn't know much about her history, just that it wasn't good. However, apparently when she got tipsy, she got loose lipped. Jake seemed kind and trustworthy. The kiss was started by her. She liked that he listened and seemed to honestly care. He even held her hand when she felt the words getting harder to say.
But when she said she was ready to go home, he didn't take her. Not right away.
He had sex with her in the back of his car. She told him she didn't want it, that she wasn't ready for that, and he shushed her. Alcohol worked against her when she tried to push him away, until she just stopped struggling. She had learned a long time ago that it hurt less if she didn't struggle.
But now she was struggling.
When he finished, he threw a couple twenties at her and made a comment that Riley's brain wouldn't let her hear as she stumbled out of the car and headed into the building. Everyone else was already in bed so Riley walked into the bathroom, turned the water as hot as it could get, and stood under the burning rain.
She shouldn't have gotten drunk. She liked Jake, she really did, but now she couldn't look at him without getting nauseous. He acted like nothing happened. When she brought it up to him the next day at work when they both were on break, he seemed completely ignorant, telling her that alcohol must give her some crazy dreams, but she didn't dream it. She had the bruises, she had the hickeys.
She remembered and she hated herself for all of it.
Anger burned in her throat as she felt more worthless than she had felt in years. Pulling the cabinets and drawers open, Riley searched desperately. She knocked full shampoo bottles and body washes out of her way while she searched for something that she remembered seeing a long time ago.
Finally her hand made contact with a cold metal object and she yanked it up in relief. It was a razor. Sharon had once said that she used to razor her bangs for more of a feathered look, but she stopped a while ago. Now, Riley held it in her hands.
Cutting wasn't really her thing. She hadn't done it but a couple of times before, but it was more just like testing it. Now it felt like the only way for her to get the over flowing load of emotions out of her system was to cut them free.
Her eyes rose to her reflection again. She was naked, bruised, and ready to slice her skin to feel something other than suffocation of emotions, to control the hurt in some way.
"Riley, honey? Are you home?"
Phantom's heavy feet sounded against the floor before she jumped against the door. She let out a couple loud, demanding barks before Riley found herself sliding the razor into a drawer.
"Just in the bathroom," Riley called back, the strength in her voice surprising her. "I'm going to shower and I'll be out."
Riley's eyes went back to her reflection and she hated that all she could see was her mother.
Rape is rape. Drunk, high, or sober.