I am very proud of the first part of the chapter because I feel like I really captured the emotion. Definite trigger warning of rape and somewhat of self-harm. Please let me know what you think and thank you for all your support.

We accept the love we think we deserve. -Perks of Being a Wallflower

Exhausted. She was so exhausted. More than exhausted. Her brain just wanted to shut down. To stop and take twenty minutes of being completely checked out. Ever since she had told Sharon her life seemed to be simultaneously in fast forward and slow motion. It was exhausting.

Speaking was hard, but once she started speaking she couldn't shut up because the moment she stopped she was afraid she'd never be able to say anything else. She had spouts of complete silence and then rambling. Both of which she barely made eye contact. Just a fleeting glance. There was no studying a person's face to see how they reacted because to be honest she couldn't process that part.

She listened to everything, but she kept hearing the same thing. At least it felt like the same thing because it all felt like bullshit. Nicole had called, Emily had called, she had seen Dr. Joe, and even Sharon all had the same bullshit to say followed by the same question.

What do you want?

She knew they were talking about with Jake, but it didn't seem like a real question. It seemed like some stupid hypothetical question that she had the wrong answer to. There was an answer they all wanted to hear and all she could give them was her silent glare. No, she couldn't even do that. She couldn't even raise her eyes to glare at them because she knew she was always crying by the time that statement rolled around no matter how hard she tried.

What did she want? When did it start to matter what she wanted?

She was good at pretending she was okay when she walked into a new environment where it was expected. At least she used to be. Now it was a weight that pulled her down everywhere she went. It followed her like a dark cloud and she felt like everyone could see it.

Everyone was worried and she hated it, but she knew she would hate it more if they didn't care. People caring was somewhat foreign to her and she was never good at accepting those emotions as genuine.

Sharon was worried. She tried not to show it but Riley could see it even without looking. Every now and then she would walk up to her and ask her a simple question. Sometime Riley could find it in her to answer other times she just remained quiet. If it wasn't a yes or no question it wasn't likely to be answered at all.

Sharon wanted her to press charges even if she hadn't actually said it. That was probably what everyone else who asked "what she wanted to do" wanted her to do. Maybe it was their way of trying to get Riley to come to that idea on her own, but she had too much guilt. Not guilt. Confusion? Frustration? Blatant anger?

Hell, she couldn't even fathom it all at the moment. What she wanted to do was feel like she could breathe when someone was standing behind her. She wanted to go out by herself without panicking when someone made eye contact. She wanted to be Riley again.

But no. Someone took away Riley. Someone took away the major part of herself that Sharon, Rusty, Andy, basically all of Major Crimes had spent the last several years building. In one night this boy had taken her self-worth.

That was it. She felt completely worthless.

What did she want? Part of her really wanted to say she wanted him to feel as worthless as he made her feel, but really she didn't care about him. She couldn't. She was too focused on trying to make it through the day.

It wasn't even making it through the day without falling apart because that was going to happen. It happened more viciously since she accepted the fact that this stupid boy had raped her. She wasn't sure why it was suddenly worse but it was.

There was a constant urge to throw up throughout the day, just like there was a constant record playing in her head to remind her to breath.

"Do you want Andy and Rusty to join us for dinner?" Sharon asked. Riley knew she was somewhere in the kitchen but she didn't look up to see where. Her eyes were glue on nothing in particular as she kept replaying how things could have gone differently with everything in the last few weeks.

No. She didn't want anyone around her. She was barely comfortable with Sharon being there when she was so completely broken. She knew she could hide in her room again, but that space felt different now too. The bathroom seemed safer, but she knew she shouldn't do that either. As much as she wanted to be alone, being alone was terrifying. If she was alone, she'd hurt herself. She wanted to hurt herself but she didn't want to hurt anyone else. Hurting herself would hurt Sharon.

After a long moment, she realized that Sharon was still awaiting a response. With a quick shake of the head, Riley denied any other people. Even two of her favorite people in the world would not benefit her at the moment.

"Does Chinese sound good?"

Sharon was getting braver, Riley mused. She was pushing more.

"I'm actually not hungry, so it's whatever."

It wasn't an answer Sharon wanted but her brows raised at the fact the girl actually spoke. Her voice was hoarse and quiet but it sounded like music to Sharon's ears. "I'll just order our usual and-"

Riley's head lifted and for the first time that day Riley held solid eye contact with her mother. It shocked Sharon into a short silence that Riley quickly filled.

"What are you feeling?" the girl asked so casually it was like she was asking Sharon's favorite color. When it looked like she was going to deny her daughter a response, Riley pressed further. "Because if I have to think about my own feelings for one more minute, I think my head is going to explode and I know you rather like your furniture."

At that Sharon dared to smile as she placed her cell phone down on the counter. It made her heart sing that Riley attempted to return the smile even if it was weak. Moving into the living room, she sat next to Riley on the couch but was careful to give her plenty of room and not invade her space.

"What am I feeling," Sharon hummed, mulling over the question. "Well, I'm worried-" Riley found herself shamefully looking down for putting this burden on her mother, but Sharon gently lifted her daughter's chin. "And that is not your fault." Sharon's voice was firm. "I am worried because I love you and I want to help you, but I know that there isn't a whole lot I can do except for be right here when you need me."

Swallowing past the knot in her throat Riley nodded her understanding. Sharon returned her hand to her own lap and looked toward the wall in thought. "I'm angry at this boy and myself for allowing him into our home."

At that Riley seemed mortified. How could Sharon be angry with herself? It wasn't her fault. She trusted Riley to bring home safe people.

"It's my job to protect you and I feel like I messed up." There were tears in Sharon's voice and Riley hated herself even more. She shouldn't have asked. She wasn't ready to know. "I also am terrified you are going to blame yourself for this and it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault but his and I'm so angry at him for making you feel this way."

A tear slid down Sharon's cheek and she calmly wiped it away with her hand. Her eyes turned back to Riley and for a moment Riley considered throwing herself in Sharon's arms again and probably would have if she would have known that Sharon was holding herself back from pulling her baby into hers.

"I love you so much, and all I want to do is what is best for you and I have no idea what that is right now."

The honesty broke both of them. Tears silently slid down both of their cheeks and finally Riley was back at sheer and pure anger. Fuck Jake. Fuck him for hurting her family. Fuck him for hurting her! Fuck him! She wanted him to pay for making her mom cry, for making her afraid, for killing the progress she had made. She wasn't just angry, she was fueled with hate.

Somewhere in her mind Riley was very aware that this emotion would fade back into the tornado of emotions that just kept rotating inside of her, but she was going to let herself be furious for the three seconds that she could actually identify with a single emotion.

"I want him gone," Riley's broken voice bit out past tears as her fist slammed down onto her knee, probably hard enough to bruise. What was one more physical injury at this point? At least she was the one who caused it and no one else. "I want him to hate himself! I want him to hurt and be mad and broken!" She wanted to give him back all the emotional baggage he had left her with. "I want him to die!"

It sounded melodramatic to her own ears but she didn't care. She was not a violent person but for the first time in her life she wanted to hit someone. She wanted to kick and scream and claw and bite until all the fight was out of her and all the strange things that kept ripping her body apart ended. She wasn't even sure if it was really Jake that she wanted to do it to, she just wanted all the bad out.

But that's not what happened. She didn't get to fight at all. Instead Sharon pulled her into her arms and kissed her crown. Her mother didn't care that she was tense and not ready to accept love, what she needed was love to extinguish some of that hate burning like a fire in her stomach.

"My sweet girl, that's not what you want," Sharon whispered as angry sobs shook Riley once again. The fact she was once again in tears made her even angrier. She was so tired of crying. When was she going to actually stop?

"I want him to pay. I want him to- to-" The words entered Riley's mind like they weren't her own, like someone else had said them to her at some point but she didn't actually remember who or when, yet they were perfect. She lifted her head up and looked her mother in the eye. "I want him to be held accountable."

For a brief moment Sharon had to remind herself not to get her hopes up for the following. She needed Riley to make the connection on her own. They could do something about this. They could, but Riley needed to put the pieces together.

Finally, Riley nodded. It was mostly to herself as her brain worked out the equation. "I want him to go to jail."

She wanted to be a bigger person in some way. She wanted to act like it didn't bother her. Sex was sex. She had done it before. Why was it different? How did it have this much power?

Somewhere deep in her mind was the answer. It was tangled in all those other emotions that she was trying to sort through. Because you thought you were finally safe. Because you trusted him. You liked him.

But it went a little deeper still, to things that she knew was wrong but her head wouldn't shut up about. Because Sharon let it happen. Andy didn't protect you. Your safe home wasn't safe at all. You're mad at them but you also feel like you hurt them.

Riley's head fell on Sharon's shoulder as she willed the voice to shut up. She clung tightly to Sharon's cardigan as she tried to control her breathing.

She couldn't though.

She didn't have control of anything.