This Asia was a strange child, even for a human.
"It's so fucking awesome—" Gasp. "May I be forgiven my trespass— Oh but god-damn! It's just so good!" Gasp. "Lord I did not mean to blaspheme—"
He sighed. The girl was slurping on ice cream from a cone. From the way she was eating, one would have assumed she was having the best sex—her voice was pretty close to the "screamer female" porn voice.
The girl still treated each so-called verbal blasphemy with fear. This, after he'd assured her that there was no way the Lord would want to know about, nor even care, that a girl like her was less than gracious with her words. Far be it from him to question the Lord's will, but he was pretty sure he had never been sent to punish a city just because its ruler said "godfuckdamnit" one too many times.
For his part, Issei munched on some cookies. The park seller had a pretty good baker, to be able to sell something an angel liked. He didn't hold with ice cream, particularly after getting his tongue scalded once.
"It's so heavenly...!" said Asia.
"If you say so..." he muttered under his breath.
Peronally, he thought the cosplayer was overstaying her welcome. He had to get back to the sex, and he knew the nun (and nun cosplayer) angle had already been disproved. But Asia always had these questions he was obligated to answer; Issei felt a bit obligated as one of the angels she believed in, especially to disprove some of her misguided notions.
One of these was the so-called "sinly behavior".
"No, Asia-san, I'm pretty sure it's okay," he said firmly. The girl had finished her cone, and yet now glanced forlornly at the ice cream stand.
"But it's approaching gluttony," said the girl uncertainly.
"You might have a point if you didn't want to get fat," said Issei, mouthing off what he recalled from that adults' magazine. "But if you really wanted to, then what's stopping you? God won't mind you the calories or whatever."
"Still..." The girl fidgeted idly. After a moment, she seemed to steel herself. "You're right, milord angel. The Lord won't mind if I get a few calories."
"Or a few pound," he added helpfully.
Silence. "I mean, it's just one ice-cream right?" Asia wondered aloud.
Issei shrugged.
"Just this one, and then I won't eat ice cream for a week. No, three days... No, tomorrow! Until tomorrow." Asia breathed in. "Just my last ice cream for the morning!" she yelled.
"Good for you," he said, pumping his fist in an encouraging way. Asia dashed towards the stand, her skirt fluttering.
"Three big fucking scoops please!" Gasp. "I'm sorry—" he heard her say.
It took him a full five seconds to realize this would be his chance to leave. Well, five seconds of angel-thinking. One would think they'd be faster than light—because of the whole "bringer of light" thing—but their thoughts actually moved just the same as humans'.
Brilliant inspiration moved at an even slower pace. It was a coal-fuelled machine, and there was never enough coal to burn.
Thus, it took Issei a full thirty seconds to realize he could leave, and another ten to even think of moving his legs.
At that moment, when he'd just stirred from thought, someone approached from behind.
"Good day, sex fiend."
He turned around, and looked down to find the shortest person from Rias Gremory's clubroom glaring up at him.
"Hello," Issei girl's eyes made him slightly uncomfortable. They were vaguely cat-like. "You are exceptionally short."
"And you're obscenely tall." The girl kicked him right up the groin. There was a crunching sound. He felt something break in his crotch. He was sure it was an injury.
"Wow," the girl said, after peering at him for a good, long second. "You really are freakishly oblivious, aren't you?"
"...Huh?"
"I'm sorry for kicking you," said the girl. "It's just that I get the urge to hit you when I'm looking at you."
"That's... well, I can't help you with that."
"S'okay," the girl said, shrugging. "But you could help us, and by us I mean the gift-giver club—"
"—Problem solver club," Issei interrupted. "Right?"
"—Don't interrupt birdbrain—ahem, because Master Rias—er, I mean the club prez has got a favor to ask. And in return, she has some intel about the se—the perverted thing you want."
"Very well," he said, puffing his chest up importantly. "If it is good intel, then I shall endeavor to repay my dues. So? Out with it, good human."
"Haah... well, that's just the thing, Big Bird. You've got to do us this favor first—then we provide the info. It doesn't seem fair, don't you think, for a simple task like yours to outweigh a matter of great importance like this information? Do you get it?"
"Hmm..." Issei frowned, the slow machine in his head still chugging along. "It does... sound reasonable."
"Nice! Well, here's what Rias wants you to do. It's very simple..."
The girl finished explaining just as Asia came back, carrying a multicolored monstrosity the size of her head perched precariously on one sugar cone.
"...Wow," said the shorter girl.
"Ehehe... I may have overdone it a bit," said Asia, who began to nibble at a green, dripping mountain. "I just told him to add more and more flavors."
"Girl, this is Asia..." It occured to Issei, belatedly once more, that he didn't know this one's name. "Asia, this is... er, someone."
"Pleased to meet you Someone!" Asia chirped.
The girl sighed. "Koneko," she said. "Please call me Koneko." Issei noticed her attention focused on the ice cream.
"Koneko-san it is then. Koneko-san, Asia-san as it happens, is just as magical as your boss. She's got a powerful healing thing. Though I don't believe Asia's got a devil boss. I think." He quirked an eyebrow at the nun cosplayer.
Asia gasped. The monstrosity went tumbling down to make a soft splat.
A glint of something vaguely and viciously cat-like entered Koneko's eyes.
A charged atmosphere, tense and taut, enveloped them—is what Issei would have felt, if he were but human. The two humans stared at each other, and Issei only noticed the silence when Asia didn't look like she was going to pick up the ice cream.
He looked from Koneko to Asia back to Koneko. Back, and forth. And back again. He looked down at the ice cream and sighed.
He gestured, and the ice cream and cone leapt up to his hand, good and fresh. He stared at the confection suspiciously, like it would burn him.
"I'll be going now, Hyoudou-san" said Koneko. She bowed. "We await your favorable results." She left at a swift jog.
"Um..." Asia then said, in the following silence. "I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to..."
He looked at the monstrosity. "Aren't you going to eat?"
"No thank you, er um... bacteria..."
"Ah, quite right," said Issei, remembering. He frowned at the unwanted treat.
He saw that Asia was no longer smiling.
"Something the matter?"
"N-no..." Asia looked down at what seemed to be an interesting part of the ground. "Um, mister angel... are you acquainted with that person?"
"Not really. I know her boss, with whom I have business relations. You know, I almost thought you knew her—both of you being magical and all. I guess humans can get pretty gifted, huh? Do you also have a boss devil?"
"No!" Asia cried suddenly. "No, and God forbid it should be so."
"If you say so." He looked down at his crotch. "By the way, I don't suppose you could try and heal me?"
"S-sure... where?" He pointed at his crotch. Asia made a small, mouse-like squeaking sound. She trembled, puzzling Issei. "O-Oh dear... I mean—I'll do it—" she stammered.
The girl closed her eyes, then put forth her hand. A gentle warmth enveloped his groin; a caressing, soothing balm to the dull ache caused by Koneko. It felt pleasant, in a way, like soaking in a bubble bath.
A sudden, shrill screaming drew his attention. A group of people stood in the distance, pointing and shouting at him. Before he could speak, Asia had yelped and run off.
He didn't know why she'd run, but at least she saved him the trouble of having to think of ways to ditch her.
Then, he recalled that he hadn't properly thanked her yet for restoring the anatomy of his groin, which soured his mood immediately. It was quite inconvenient.
Several police officers sauntered up. "C'mon lad. Off to the station with you," one of them said.
He saw among them a person he recognized. "Good day, Officer Kumagawa," he said.
The other officer blinked. "Aw hell, what is it now, Hyoudou-kun? You know I'm going to have to call your mother."
"That's... troubling." Issei held out the ice cream. "If I give this to you, can I get you to not call?"
()()()
Thankfully, they didn't call his mother. But they also didn't take the monstrosity. It was dusk when he finally left the station. His mind had now returned to the question of sex.
More specifically, Rias Gremory's request.
He was familiar with the church in this city. More than that, he could sense its presence even from far away. He supposed that was what drew pigeons to the park. After all, it was a shrine dedicated to the Lord, or so it seemed.
Koneko had described how it had fallen into disuse. As the problem-solving club, they'd apparently received a request to clean up the church, but since they were busy, they'd been putting it on hold for several weeks.
But now, with Issei, they could finally accomplish the task. Issei would be "out-sourced" help, fulfilling the request on behalf of Kuoh's problem-solving club. To that end, Koneko had given him vials of what she described as "cleaning" fluid. They looked similar to what he'd seen his mother use cleaning up the house.
Inside, the church was practically empty. Issei spotted a few bronze angels, amateurly crafted in the image of an angel whose name he'd forgotten. He saw sleeping birds on their jagged wings. He turned to the church's side, resolving to finish the task as fast as possible.
He placed the ice cream on one of the empty candle-holders and then unrolled the vials. They made a clacking sound when he shook them. Issei turned to a graven image of a saint and began spraying. When he was done, he moved on to the next.
After he completed a circuit of the whole church, he then moved on to the stations of the Cross. He perched on a pew and began spraying.
He was about to clean Veronica's face when he heard a gasp from somewhere below.
"Issei-san, what the hell are you doing?" Asia Argenta screamed. Her voice bounced off the walls, shook the stained-glass windows.
Issei put down the cleaner and looked at the cosplayer, who now didn't look out of place inside the church. She was covering her face with her hands, murmuring something low and repetitive.
"... Hello again, Asia-san. If you're still interested, your ice cream's over there."
Asia slapped her cheeks repeatedly, turning her cheeks cherry-red. Then she looked at him angrily. "What have you done, Issei-san?" She pointed to his work. "Why did you paint over the saints? And the Blessed Mother, and all the angels!"
Issei turned around and peered at his work. He'd given the drab sculptures and carvings a new luster, as Koneko had recommended. "My pardons, but I was cleaning, was I not?"
"You vandalized the frigging church!" Asia shrieked. Then she gasped. "Sorry Lord for what I said—wait, is 'frigging' even bad...?"
He still didn't know why the nun cosplayer was outraged. Near convulsing with anger, it even looked like.
"But see, didn't I give them a thorough cleaning?" Issei said.
"No, all you gave them was a fresh coat of paint! Now half the saints look like Smurfs, St. Andrew looks like half of Rome shat on him, and the Lord...ohmigod the Lord—forgive your angel what he's done to Thy Blessed Visage..."
"Well, perhaps you can fault the human artificers for their choice in color. I merely used these implements," he shook the cleaning vials for emphasis, "To clean them out. See look," he pointed at an angel. "Now that's fairly accurate. The average angel's supposed to be pure white."
"Hyoudou Issei, wake up and read the fucking label! It's spray paint! You're holding fucking spray paint!" Asia then broke out in a stream of Italian, which, judging from her expression, was probably still a wholly livid rant.
"Hm..." Now Issei didn't seem sure. Asia had been greatly changed by what he'd done, so there must be a point to what she claimed.
"I'm..." The girl cradled her head. "'M sorry... Not supposed to be ungracious... and oh no I yelled at an angel..." She sank into a pew, while massaging her temples.
Issei jumped down from his perch. He walked over to the center of the church and scrutinized his work. While he held firm on his opinion on the bleached-white angel statue (nothing and no one in Heaven was gray), the blue-bedaubed saints and the red-smirched Marys caused a feeling of doubt.
Issei felt out of his depth. He was sure he was right, but Asia made him doubtful. It was unpleasant to contemplate.
"You're still alive?" said a voice from the altar. Issei half-turned, still focused on the perhaps realistic rendition of the Lord's bleeding face, and saw the angel who'd stabbed him standing at the steps to the altar.
Seeing her dislodged yet another memory from the morass of his mind. He was supposed to ask why this one had seen fit to stab him. Had she not recognized one of the higher Angels?
"I don't know how you survived, Hyoudou Issei," said the angel, slow and measured. "But you made a big mistake coming here."
His eyes were narrowed from deep thought. He was still processing Asia's reaction when he said, "It is good to see you, angel, I believe you owe me an expla—"
But the angel cut him off, surging forward and punching him up and through the stained glass of pig-fucking Michael; the momentum carrying him farther up and away from the church, flying through the night air, unable to react, as if he were a bird caught helplessly in a storm.
AN: Drafted by Shurpuff, proofread and edited by Honore (Merlin)
Thanks for reading.