A/N : Not mine. Many thanks to the author for her work.
I really hope this chapter will turn out alright, because I wasn't happy with the previous one and I'm absolutely not sure about this one either.
Chapter 3 : confronting one's emotions
He was getting terribly nervous about the next session. If he talked, he assumed he would get answers. But he didn't like to confide and he wasn't sure he wanted to share his feelings. On the plus side, Doctor Katsuko was compelled to keep his secrets. He would certainly never go to Natsuo or Yougi. They would laugh and make a fool out of him. Yuiko and Yayoi would simply not understand. That left Kio but as Soubi's friend, he was biased. That settled it : if he wanted to talk, she was his only option.
Honestly, he was a wreck. He slept poorly, ate little and had felt constantly on the verge of tears for the last three weeks. Why would his brother torment him so? Didn't he understand how important Soubi had become? How dear? Despite his weirdness and sometimes inappropriate behaviour, he felt safe and protected with the Fighter. He knew Soubi would lay down his life for him. He would kill to protect him. As sick as it seemed, it was a comforting thought, a soothing feeling to know someone cared enough about him to go to such lengths. He had felt so useless, so vulnerable at the graveyard. So hurt and so betrayed. So pathetic, standing there, crying and calling, knowing he had lost.
But really, what had he lost? What was Soubi to him?
His Fighter? Not in his wildest dream. He was Seimei's. Always Seimei. Never Ritsuka. Never his. Nothing was ever his.
His protector? Sure, but he could still call upon Natsuo and Yougi, they would help.
His would-be-killer? Awful. Just the thought was nauseating.
His stalker? Yes, in a way. Yet, he had felt safer with him.
His friend? But Soubi lied to him.
Do friends lie to each other? Unbidden memories of Yuiko, Osumo, his mother flooded his mind. Yes, friends lie to protect.
But Soubi left him. He had left him alone, in the graveyard. Friends do not abandon each other. He closed his eyes, pressed his eyelids tight, keeping tears in check. Soubi. So obedient. So self-sacrificing. Stupid Soubi, always listening to Seimei, always fulfilling his wishes whatever the cost. Soubi, dejectedly following Seimei with a heavy heart. Yes, Soubi had left. Willingly. Yes. He had always known Soubi would choose Seimei over him. He had known since the Seven-Voices Academy. But he hadn't seemed happy. Was it wishful thinking? Oh, how he hated Seimei at that moment. How could he? His own brother, for crying out loud ! So mean... Soubi, are you alright with him? How does Seimei treat you?
"Ritsuka, did somethig happen? You don't look well."
Am I so transparent that even doctor Katsuko could tell as soon as I come in?
"I'm fine sensei. I'm tired, it's all."
For two weeks, Ritsuka had shared his mind with her. She had been hopeful and had really looked forward this session. At last, after two years, he trusted her enough to open up. But looking at him now, she wasn't so sure anymore. Maybe it had just spilled out of him because Ritsuka always kept his feelings bottled up. He seemed dejected. Whatever had brought smiles upon his face recently hadn't last. She felt sad for the poor child. So many burdens for such a young boy. She let him set the pace. Hurrying him or asking questions would undeniably add to his insecurities.
Suddenly, he fixed her intently, the intensity in his violet orbs startling in a face so young.
"Sensei, how do you know you love someone?"
"Are you talking about your family, Ritsuka-kun?"
To her surprise, he blushed deeply. All his body seemed to curl on itself: his head dipped low, his hair hid his face, his tail lodged between his legs, his ears flattened on his head and he fisted his hands. Sure enough, he wasn't comfortable talking about love but she had never witnessed him react so strongly.
"No sensei," he breathed softly. "I mean, how do you know you're in love?"
"Well, Ritsuka, people usually associate this kind of love with restlessness, a wish to see or call the other, to spend time together. Some people say they feel like they have butterflies in their stomach. Some would lose their appetite or sleep because of nerves. There is an urge to protect the one you love and a strong desire to be in close proximity. That's why couples hug more and often hold hands or kiss. You want the person you love to smile and be happy so you try your best for this to happen. Does that help?" She paused. Ritsuka hadn't moved. In fact, not a single hair or muscle had moved. He was completely still, as if suspended in time and space. "Ritsuka-kun, are you alright?"
"But, sensei, if you do anything for someone, then the other controls you, doesn't it?"
"Not in a healthy relationship. Love is not about control. It's about trust."
When he finally looked up to her, he seemed so lost and fragile she wanted to hug him. He was obviously debating whether or not voicing what was bothering him. She took in the flared nostrils, his dilated pupils. His tail puffed up and bristled, very still, very erect and his ears back and flat on his head. He fisted his hands so tight his knuckles were white. His breath was shallow and she wondered if was on the brink of hyperventilating. She had never seen the boy so afraid.
"Sensei," he whispered. "How do you know if you're into boys or girls?"
She had to admit she wasn't expecting this barely audible confession. He was such a cute child !
"Ritsuka, you are still young. You do not have to decide now." She watched him closely. He hadn't even twitched. Answer not satisfactory apparently.
"Have you met someone you like more than other people, Ritsuka?" He nodded ever so slightly. "Is it a boy?" She was surprised when he shook his head. "A girl then? Still no? Ritsuka, I don't understand. I can't help you that way. Please, speak to me."
She wracked her brain, trying to match all his shushed truths into a coherent matter. What exactly was the problem? Those past three sessions had led to this moment and if she wasn't careful, she would break his trust. She knew he had forced himself to disclose such private feelings because he hadn't managed to come to terms with it on his own. She would never be able to mend the damage if he felt she betrayed him now. Their sessions had no sense if he couldn't trust her. And he had deep trust issues...
"Ritsuka, whatever you say, I will not make fun of you or judge you poorly. But more importantly, I will keep it off the book. It stays between us : no record, no notebook, nothing. Not now, not once you're gone, not during other sessions. What do you think?"
Finally, finally, he looked up at her again.
"I think—I'd like that, doctor Katsuko."
"What is troubling you, Ritsuka?"
"I've met someone. I feel all nice and fuzzy with him. And safe, and cared about. But he lies to me. It pains me when he says 'I love you.' I want to see him but when he's here, I get frustrated and want him to go away. He kisses me without asking. He wants— no, he needs— something from me that I can't give."
"Your ears and tail?" she supplied.
"No, not this. He would never."
An idea popped into her mind and nagged her until she gave it her full attention.
"Is he the reason you asked about pain?"
"He is so — indifferent to it. I cannot be mean, doctor. Or dominating. Why does everyone need me to be someone I am not?"
Instead of answering, she decided to try a more oblique enquiry.
"Do you trust this boy, Ritsuka?"
"He is not a boy!" he exclaimed. "He is older." he added slowly and saw her frown as she thought.
"Well. You might be transposing your feelings for Seimei unto him. An older man who takes care of you as your brother did, it wouldn't be far-fetched."
The change was sudden. The teen went from ill-at-ease to full-blown anger so quickly it startled her.
"They are nothing alike ! Do not compare Soubi to Seimei !"
"I apologize. I didn't mean to offend you. Tell me about him then. Soubi, is it?"
"I don't want to anymore." he sulked.
"I'll do it then. He's a man, older than you, maybe even an adult. Thought so." she added when she noticed his blush. "Very kind and protective with you but he steals you kisses that leave you both dizzy and wary. Not accounting his relation to pain and violence that disturbs you. Still, you feel safe and — shall I say it— loved with him. Spot on?"
His anger forgotten, the teen simply nodded his assent.
"Ritsuka, listen. This is very important. It doesn't look like a healthy relationship." He flicked his eyes at her, even more sullen. Still, she wanted to make sure he understood the situation. "But I'm confident he is the reason you smiled that much these last weeks. So, I ask again. Do you trust him?"
"I— I think— I do, yes."
"Then go for it, Ritsuka. You're a strong-willed boy and you aren't a bad judge of character. If you trust him, then it's good enough for me. I know you will find a way to work it out between you. I won't stand in your way."