Notes: Again, thank you so much to everyone who is reading, reviewing, subscribing and all of that. The positive response to this has been so overwhelming and I really can't express how much I appreciate it.
There's an excerpt from a poem in this chapter. That poem is "The Cremation of Sam McGee" by Robert Service. I don't own it, but I do really like it and I recommend reading it.
Remember that time I said that unless it got away from me this would be the last chapter? Well it got away from me. So there's at least one more installment after this.
She's supposed to be taking a nap. It's just after two in the afternoon and Riley feels like she's been awake and dealing with things for days. She wants to be taking a nap.
Only there's too much to think about it.
Her wrist, encased in a velcro soft cast and resting on a pillow throbs painfully in spite of the pain medication that the doctor had given her. It's a severe sprain, although she'll have to get more x-rays next week because sometimes they can't see the break right away. It certainly hurts enough to feel broken, but Riley doesn't have many painful experiences to compare it to; she's always been lucky in that area.
Her parents had gotten to the Urgent Care not long after she and Josh had checked in and before she had even seen anyone (walking from the bakery had been a slow affair, to the point where Josh had eventually picked her up and carried her there) so they were there for the whole process and are now completely taking charge of her care. They've got an icing regiment going like clockwork, and her mom has a timer set on her phone to let them know exactly when she can take another pain pill. It's one less thing Riley has to think about, and it's nice since she probably wouldn't remember any of it without them.
To be honest, most of the time in the Urgent Care is a blurred haze of pain and confusion.
She couldn't stop thinking about the scene at Topanga's. She still can't. She hadn't been lying when she told everyone that Charlie hadn't actually hit her, but he had hurt her. One moment she was breaking up with him, explaining that she needed to focus on herself and that it wasn't fair to keep dating him when she wasn't sure how she felt, and the next moment Charlie had his hand around her wrist, and he was telling her that she was being stupid. She got flustered as her nerves skyrocketed, and his grip kept getting tighter while he berated her until finally all she could do was try to pull away and agree that the whole thing was a mistake. Then he let go so fast. She fell into the table and hit herself in the mouth and was on the ground before she could even realize what was happening. Even now it almost doesn't feel like any of it really happened.
Riley had only decided to break up with Charlie because everything was so messed up and confusing and she knew she wouldn't be able to figure it out if she was spending all of her time trying to keep him happy. Not because she agreed with Josh that he was abusive. Half of the stuff on the list her uncle had sent her were things that Charlie hadn't done and that she couldn't imagine him doing. Sure, some of the things were familiar, but Charlie had been trying to help her, not hurt her.
Except it all seems to shift to the opposite end of the spectrum when he's not letting her leave and she's cradling an injured wrist to her chest. Now Riley has no idea what to think about any of it and every moment of their relationship is replaying in her head. She can't tell what was good and what was bad and she keeps wondering if she's remembering things right or if her mind is embellishing and playing tricks on her now that the idea is in her mind.
She just wants to sleep long enough that she can think clearly again.
Riley tries her best to close out the rest of the world. She's back in her pajamas, on the couch and curled up with her dad under a blanket. He has one arm around her and is reading poetry aloud like they used to do when she was little and got sick. She keeps her eyes closed and tells herself that if she just listens to her dad and doesn't move, she'll fall asleep.
"There are strange things done in the midnight sun by the men who moil for gold."
Her mind keeps drifting. If it's not Charlie and their relationship, it's her mom and the conversation she's having on the phone with Charlie's parents in the other room. Her dad and Josh had been all for reporting the incident to the police, but Riley couldn't stand the thought of doing that. She's not even sure what had really happened, how are people who don't even know them supposed to sort it out? And it would mean talking about all of it over and over and she just wants it to go away. Her mom had come up with a compromise that, depending on what Charlie's parents agreed to, they wouldn't press charges. She's making the negotiations now, and Riley needs to know what's happening.
"The Arctic trails have their secret tales that would make your blood run cold."
It's the thought that Farkle knows what happened at the bakery. He knows what happened there and in Texas and that's too many secrets that he's got a hold of. He's been good about keeping Texas between them, but she doubts he'll do the same with this. Not when there's already evidence that everyone can see.
No, she knows he'll talk soon if he hasn't already started, and it won't be long before Maya and Lucas and Zay and everyone else know what a pathetic disaster she is. That she was stupid enough to get herself into a mess like this and that she's so weak that she can't even handle a breakup to get out of it on her own. And if Farkle tells them all of that, what's to stop him from telling them about Texas and making things even worse?
"The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, but the queerest they ever did see,"
It's her dad and the fact that he's holding her and coddling her again like she's Auggie's age because he feels guilty for not noticing something was wrong in the first place and she likes it. Not just the comfort and security that comes with being in his arms. No. Riley likes the fact that he feels guilty. She feels sick and twisted even thinking it because she's the one who was pretending everything was perfect, she's the one who was hiding everything and trying to make sure that nobody asked any questions, but a part of her thinks that he should feel guilty. Him and her mom.
They're her parents. They're supposed to be the ones who know her better than anyone in the world; if anyone should have known that something was wrong in spite of what they were being told it's them. And maybe if they had noticed, today wouldn't have happened and things wouldn't be so confusing now.
She knows the blame belongs on her shoulders, and she feels worse laying any of it at the feet of her parents but she can't stop.
"Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge I cremated Sam McGee."
"I can't believe that was the one to put her out." Josh comments softly from his spot at the kitchen table.
Riley realizes quickly as her dad closes the book he was reading from and gently stretches to drop it on the coffee table that they think she's fallen asleep. She resolves to let them think that. Everyone's been so careful with what they've said to and around her since last night. Maybe if they think that she can't hear them, they'll say what they really think and something will start making sense again.
"I've been reading to her for a long time." Her dad matches Josh's hushed tone. "It was the first poem I ever really enjoyed in school that wasn't about baseball."
"It just seems darker than the sort of thing Riley would like."
"Even Riley likes the dark once in a while."
Her mom comes in before Josh gets the chance to reply. "OK, so-," she's not quiet, but she immediately hushes and apologizes so Riley knows either Josh or her dad pointed her out. "The Gardners agreed to everything. They're going to call the school first thing Monday morning and make arrangements so Charlie won't be in any of Riley's classes next year, even homeroom or lunch."
Riley's OK with that. The idea of facing Charlie right now is enough to make her stomach churn more than it already has been and if her parents want to help her avoid that, that's great.
"What about the rest of this year?" Josh asks.
"We agreed that since there are only two weeks of classes left it would be too disruptive and unfair to everyone if we tried to make any changes there. But Charlie's not supposed to try and talk to Riley or approach her, and we'll rethink things if she's uncomfortable."
"I can get her a pass to the library for those classes, and there's always the nurse or the guidance counselor too." Cory agrees.
She's less OK now. Riley can just see the sideshow this will turn into when she shows up at school on Monday, wrist in a cast, bruises on her face and all of these special exceptions being made for her. The gossip meal will probably churn fiercely with talk of poor little Riley Matthews, so weird and unfortunate that every relationship she has goes bad.
Not to mention she has three classes with Charlie on most days. There will be no avoiding him.
"Right. They'll stop by the shop to pay for the broken table, and they offered to cover any medical expenses that our insurance doesn't cover." Her mother continues. "And Charlie's going to start going to therapy. All in all, I think it's a very fair solution."
"I still say we should let the cops deal with it." Josh grumbles.
"Part of me agrees with you." Her mom admits. "But he's only 14 and Riley insists that he was never physical with her before today. Doing things this way gives him a chance to get help and change before this sort of behavior really becomes a part of who he is." She sinks into the couch near Riley's feet.
Her family talks for a few more minutes about whether they're better for handling things privately like this or if they should be getting the police involved and their reasoning makes Riley so dizzy that she's not even sure who she's supposed to agree with anymore. It feels like ever since the yearbook came out everything has been a jumbled mess of colors that keep blending together and getting uglier and uglier and harder to pick apart she just wants things to be black and white again. This is what's happening, this is how you feel, this is how I feel, this is how we can move forward and everything will be good again.
Then Josh asks someone, "What are you doing here?" in the coolest tone Riley's heard him use outside of when he was threatening Charlie, and it takes everything she has not to sit up, or even crack an eye to see who he's talking to. She doesn't think anyone's come in through the front door.
"I came to see if Riley was OK." It's Maya. She must have come in through the bay window. "Farkle said that Charlie lost it or something at the bakery this morning."
"That was hours ago." Josh points out.
Riley can't figure out why he sounds mad. He's never been mad with Maya before, and it's not like she's done anything lately to deserve it. If anything, it feels like he should be happy; if Maya's with Lucas, she's not going to be chasing after him.
"We were in the middle of something and didn't answer him right away."
"We?"
"Me and Ranger Rick."
Riley can't hold back all of her reaction. She curls deeper into her dad's side, pulling her legs in tighter. Of course Maya and Lucas were together this morning. That's what they do now. They're happy every time she sees them. She's so busy telling herself that it's OK, this is the way things are supposed to be, that they're her friends and a good friend doesn't get upset when something makes her friends happy, that Riley barely hears Maya repeating her question to ask if she was OK.
It's impossible to miss Josh's heated response, not with the way he raises his voice. "Of course she's not OK! She tried to break up with him and he threw her to the ground."
In stark terms like that, it sounds really bad. Riley curls in on herself again. Her parents must take it as a sign that the noise is waking her up because they urge them to go and talk in Riley's room unless they can do it quietly. Then for a moment all she can hear is her parents' hushed tones debating if that's a good idea or not (her dad thinks it's a conversation that they need to have and says it's better if Josh does it then if he does, and her mom agrees that her dad start 'projecting' if he did, but thinks doing it now when everyone's upset is a bad idea).
Riley doesn't have time to think about what they're even discussing. It's not very long before Maya's voice carries down the hall. They haven't shut her bedroom door.
"Why are you mad at me?!"
"Because you've been so wrapped up in whatever it is you're doing with Lucas that you're blind to everything else!"
"No. You don't get to be mad at me for dating when you're the one who-,"
"Is that what you think? That I'm jealous? Maya, you're allowed to date whoever you want. I think it's a good idea. But you don't get act like everyone else's feelings don't exist anymore."
"I didn't-,"
"Riley has been miserable for weeks!" Josh explodes. Riley cringes to hear it again. She had wanted to hear someone be honest, but not like this. "She's been miserable and Charlie has been treating her like crap and the only time you notice anything is when Farkle tells you that something happened."
Maya stumbles over her reply several times. "She wasn't-I didn't-there wasn't any-Riley didn't say anything."
"Should she have to?" Josh gets quieter. The only reason Riley can still hear him is because her mom and dad are clearly invested in hearing too, and they're holding themselves in a rapt silence. "All we ever hear from you two is that you're closer than sisters. So why should she have to flat out tell you that something's wrong for you to pay attention? I know, you've noticed when she was hiding things before. Why is this time so different?"
Riley knows the answer. Because this time Maya has someone else. And why would she want to turn away from her happiness to deal with her awkward, tag-along friend and her insignificant, self-made problems? Riley knows. Charlie told her that enough times when she commented that she missed spending time with her friend.
Riley also doesn't want to hear it come out of Maya's mouth. It's bad enough to know it, but if she hears Maya say it she's not sure that what's left of her heart can take it. She'd much rather just know it but go on pretending that things are the same, just a bit busier.
She opens her eyes and groans a little, a poor imitation of waking up in the hopes that her parents will talk and cover up Maya's answer.
"Riley, sweetie, you should still be sleeping." Her mom leans over, gently brushing hair away from her face. "Is your arm bothering you?"
Her dad murmurs from behind her. "That or the shouting."
She nods. She can't admit to eavesdropping now.
Her mom checks her phone. "Well, you still have a little bit before you can have another pill. But it's been a while since we did an ice pack. I'll get you a fresh one." She continues to talk as she walks out to the fridge. "Maya got here a few minutes ago to check on you. She's with Josh in your room having a...discussion. Do you want me let her know you're awake?"
No. No, no, no. Riley can't get involved in that. She hadn't been sure how she was going to deal with Maya and everyone when it was just going to be a matter of explaining Charlie; now Josh has outed her and things are infinitely more complicated. She doesn't know if Maya's going to ignore all of that or ask questions, and she doesn't know what she'll say either way. It's been easy to get around the discussion with her parents so far (they're trying so hard to be sensitive that they aren't asking her much of anything) but the one thing she's sure of with Maya is that she won't be sensitive.
Riley starts to sit up, which her dad pretty much takes over for her when he tries to help, and opens her mouth to mumble enough words that would convince them that she's not up for company, but before she can get a syllable out a door slams.
Maya comes storming down the hallway, one arm wrapped around herself, the other hand wiping at her face. "I'm sorry about the noise, Mr. and Mrs. Matthews. Now's obviously a bad time. Call me when Riley's up for-," she stops when her eyes land on the couch, and as a consequence, Riley. Her hand flies to her mouth. "Oh my God."
Behind her, her dad starts to shift and get up off the couch. "I'm gonna go talk to Josh." He bolts out of the room.
Maya continues to stare. "Oh my God."
"Riley, here's your ice." Her mom brings in an ice pack wrapped in a dish towel, and gently lays it across her injured wrist. "Don't leave it on for more than twenty minutes. Now, if you don't need anything else, I'm just going to...let you two have your privacy."
She flees almost as quickly as her dad did.
"Oh my God."
"Do I look that bad?" The question comes out before Riley can even think about it. It's not what she wants to say (not that she knows what she wants to say) but at least it starts the conversation. And it gets Maya to snap out of her staring trance. Riley figures she must look hideous if it's enough to stop Maya in her tracks.
"No!" Maya moves forward a few steps holding out her hands. "I mean, we probably can't let Lucas see you until you're all healed up or he will totally lose it, but...it's more shocking than anything. Riles, you have a fat lip...and your wrist...Farkle said you were hurt but we thought...Charlie really hit you." She falls down onto the couch next to her.
Riley shakes her head. "It wasn't like that. We were just fighting and...he got a little rough."
"Has he done it before?"
"Maya-"
"No." Maya cuts her off. "Josh says Charlie's been treating you like crap and that I missed it, so I need to know. Right now, ring power, no lies, has he done it before?"
Maya hasn't called her out in ages. Ever since a bit before Texas she's taken her word for everything, even when Riley thought her lies were obvious. Riley had been worried about when she would ask for the truth, but instead of panicking, she finds her heart slowing a little. This is Maya looking out for her; this is the most normal thing that's happened between them in a long time. A little normal feels nice right about now.
"Charlie wasn't...I don't really know what he was and wasn't anymore." Riley admits, and a small portion of the weight she's carrying lifts up off of her chest. Her parents and Josh want her to say that Charlie was terrible—she can tell from the way they've been acting—and she doesn't want to say that when she's not sure, so she just hasn't been saying anything. But Maya used ring power, so, there's no more hiding, and she's surprised that admitting her confusion causes such relief. "But today was the first time something like this happened."
"So why were you breaking up with him?"
Riley tells her about the relationship from the beginning. From dating Charlie to distract herself to actually kind of liking him to all of things he did to help her and all of the changes she made for him to the things she's not so sure about now. And she talks about how things were never getting any easier. How it was getting harder to just be OK every day.
Maya listens without interrupting. She doesn't even comment when Riley admits she can't stand to watch her and Lucas together because she never really stopped feeling something for Lucas (and given that she's actually Lucas' girlfriend and that Riley pushed them together to begin with, Riley thinks that would really be her right). She just listens all the way through the story, to where Riley and Josh had their talk, and then talked with her parents, and she decided that the best thing to do would be be by herself for a little way.
Even after the story is done, several moments pass before Maya reacts. She hesitates and places her hand on top of Riley's non-injured one. "I'm really sorry you've been dealing with all of this on your own, Riles. You probably agree with Josh, huh? I'm a terrible friend."
Riley's answer comes out of her mouth before she can even think about it. For once today she actually feels like she knows the right answer and the only bigger relief she's felt was a few minutes ago when she realized that the Maya she was so worried about dealing with was all in her head. "If you are, so am I. I was the one who was lying and hiding things when we promised never to do that."
"I still was supposed to notice. But I was so confused and preoccupied with my stuff that I just...told myself you were happy and you'd be there when I figured it all out."
And the moment of clarity disappears. "What do you have to be confused about?"
"Lucas and I have both been really confused by what's going on." Maya says this like it should be obvious. Riley's too shocked to respond. "We both were feeling...things, and we didn't know what, but everyone else was telling us what it was, and what they were saying started to feel a little real. And then in Texas, you started saying it too, and telling us that we needed to feel our feelings or whatever, so it started feeling more real and we thought that we needed to give things a shot."
"Right." Riley nods. "And you've both been really happy once you got over the smoothie dumping stage."
"We've been happy because we figured out how to hang out with out snarking each other's heads off. But every time we try to do really couple-y things it's just...weird and awkward. This morning we talked about it and decided it was because our feelings had nothing to do with liking each other like that. That's why we didn't answer when Farkle first called. We were breaking up."
"Oh. Well that doesn't make things weird at all."
Maya snorts and leans back in her seat. "I think things got weird when stopped being honest with each other."
Riley mimics the action. "Or when we started listening to what everyone else was saying."
"I think I remember that class. 'Bad things happen when you don't know who you are.'"
Riley can say with confidence now that her dad was 100% right. Because she's been feeling totally lost for weeks and everything's been a total disaster. And that definitely scares her. Because she still doesn't have a clue what's going on.
Before she at least knew that she had done the right thing letting Maya and Lucas be together. Now she knows that they weren't as happy a couple as they looked, and that maybe she had pushed them into something that they didn't want to do. How was that doing the right thing or being a good friend?
And she still doesn't understand what happened with Charlie. Or what she's supposed to be feeling about any of it. Or what any of her feelings are anymore.
"Maya?"
"Yeah, Riles?"
"What if I don't know who I am anymore?"
"As long as you're honest with me," Maya says. "I'll be there with you while you figure it out."
Riley tilts her head down across Maya's shoulder.