[scene three: the awkwardest car ride of all time (1:47 AM)]

[a/n: post AA5 so spoilers, duh. MA for dark/morbid humor, swearing, alcohol/drug use, sexual innuendo…I know absolutely no German so the few phrases used will be google translated…I own nothing related to the Ace Attorney franchise so…]

Thus the hastily borrowed vehicle inched forward back towards the Wright household at a safe speed of five miles an hour. At first Simon was convinced this was one of Phoenix's awful jokes meant to lighten the tone. After a period of approximately eight minutes and forty-two seconds, he finally lost his patience. Really he lost it at the two minute mark, but his position as a "guest" required overlooking all of the odd quirks he would usually strike down. This lengthy pause was also amplified by the unexpected social anxiety Simon felt. In both prison and the courtroom he was confident in his position and thus the correct diction and tone with which to address anyone. But now he had suddenly found himself gloriously free; but also in a car with a virtual stranger who had just seen him at his most vulnerable twice in one day, and on the way to his personal residence, no less. Besides, in his beyond casual, actually approaching-pajamas-clothing (i.e without the suit) it was difficult for Simon to associate this man with the Phoenix Wright.

"Err…," Simon clears his throat. "Wright-dono? I was wondering if I could ask you something."

"Shoot."

Simon blinked in surprise, he had not expected him to answer so fast. "Right. Whyever are we traveling at a speed more akin to the speed of the inefficient manner in which your office follows a line of reasoning and not at a speed more fitting for this modern era? I'm certain that I could walk faster than this…I do not want to seem crude; my apologies if I offended you. But alas I cannot continue in this manner without some sort of explanation."

There was another long pause. Simon contemplated jumping out of the creeping car, but settled for closing his eyes in embarrassment. The lawyer abruptly laughed, anxiously scratching the back of his neck.

"Well there's actually, uh, heheheh, a really good explanation for that!"

Another long pause. Simon assumed that the enthusiasm meant that Pheonix planned to continue; he fought the urge to slam his hand down on the dashboard as if moving along a witness's stalled testimony. "Go on."

"Hmm. Would you believe me if I told you…thaaat I actually…uh…yeah I don't have a driver's license so…Don't be a tattletale! Heheh…."

Another long pause as Simon waited for the actual explanation or (more likely) the punchline. When none came, he raised his eyebrows in shock, then snorted his disdain.

"Interesting."

This time the pause continued indefinitely along the journey. The two may not have spoken again before their destination if it were not for some very bad luck.

Out of the right window two attorneys did spy three familiar forms struggling to walk uphill. For the first time the whole ride, Phoenix accelerated to ten miles an hour, pretending to not see anything. Simon's head followed the trio as their car passed them, turning around in his seat to continue his observations.

"Wright-dono—was that not-"

He was cut off by Phoenix practically screaming, "I saw nothing! My eyes are focused. on. the. road!"

Simon watched the figures growing smaller in the distance, also noting his driver's close scrutiny of the rearview mirror. He could practically hear Phoenix counting down in his head until they were "safely" out of sight. But, alas, escape was unavoidable when a familiar scream resounded off the buildings, echoing all the way down the road.

"HOLD IT! ? MR. WRIIIIIIIIGHT?! MRWRIGHTMRWRIGHT MRWRIGHTMRWRIGHT HHTMMRWRIGHTMRWRIGDRTHSTMIRWRIIT MRWIRIGGGHT MRWRIGHTMRWRIRSGHT MRWRIGHTMRWRIGHTTR MRRWRIGHTTTITWWR MR WRIGHT!"

Windows along the street opened, revealing pissed off bystanders; car alarms went off; panic-stricken dogs howled; babies woke screaming; at least three calls to the police were made within three minutes the cacophony started."

Simon had to shout to even be heard, "I don't think Justice-dono is going to stop Wright-dono!"

Cursing, Phoenix pulled over, knocking his head against the steering wheel over and over.

"Wright-dono. I insist on driving for the remainder of the course. I fear for our safety and that of the general public if we are to remain trapped in this vehicle with those clearly inebriated fools for an extended amount of time."

Phoenix stopped banging his head and started rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands instead. "Do you even have a license?"

Simon dug out a tattered wallet from his bag. "It expired sixteen months ago, but I've hardly been allowed time to renew it. Legally speaking that is better than never having one at all."

"Fair enough, let's go."

The two switched positions as the trio finally approached, Simon immediately slumping into the driver's seat and meticulously fixed all the mirrors. The other stood outside with his hands on his hips in the best "disappointed dad" pose he could muster at such an hour.

As soon as he is within reach, Phoenix clasps his hand over Apollo's mouth, thus finally ending the endless scream of his name, thanks to the eardrums of all.

"SHHHH! Come in Apollo I have heard you! Hey!"

Loosing his balance, Apollo slumped into his boss, giggling.

"Srry, boss, I thought I st-tto-pped," more chuckling. He's still in his work clothes, although they are covered in mismatching stains and his tie is missing. His distinctive bangs are plastered to his forehead.

"Hiii booossssss!"

"Yeah, hello. Get in the car. And hello to you two, how nice; get in the car."

A broad-shouldered giant shuffled forward with a well-dressed pretty boy struggling to get out of his grasp. Of the three, the giant was clearly the most sober.

"Boy am I glad to see you, pal!"

"Heey there Detective Gumshoe, fancy meeting you here, get in the car."

"When did you get a car, pal?! Ya' din't tell me!"

"Eeehhh, it's not mine it's my, err, neighbors here—whatever get in the car!"

[a/n: i don't necessarily think any of this is true… but i like the idea of the following drunk types: 1) Gummy: all touchy-feely/cuddly, with strangers even, or objects when no physical person is around. but NOT horny, that is NOT what I'm saying. MORE forgetful/usually cannot remember details next day. 2) Apollo: really giggly/ditzy, super curious, energetic, and really TICKLISH. inexperienced with liquor, prefers fruity/sugary drinks. 3) Klavier: lightweight to the max. bc rockstars w/ low alcohol tolerance is fun, just wait. he also gets really sad to the point of being dangerously self-destructive. and curse words are the only English words he can remember.]

The older man saluted, grabbing the attempting-to-escape-Apollo by the collar of his shirt and throwing him into the car. Then he gently placed the half-conscious rockstar-prosecutor in the middle seat before falling in himself. Klavier immediately slumped forward, draping his hands over the front seat. Simon recoiled at the grasping hands but not before his colleague got a good handful of his long locks. Before Simon could stop him, Klavier buried his face in his black hair, moaning,"Weich, sanft, leise, zart, geschmeidig, schwach, nachgiebig, bequem, weichlich, uuuhhnnn."

Cursing, Simon batted him away, pushing him into Apollo, who only pushed him back into Simon's seat. Laughing, Apollo then decided it was a fantastic idea to also try to play with Simon and Klavier's hair, twisting them together. Meanwhile the detective had spaced out in thought, totally oblivious to all the limbs flailing about in his space.

Just as Phoenix was finally able to separate the three and negotiate a cease-touch, Gumshoe had an epiphany.

Reaching for his gun (which was thankfully not there) he screamed, "Get down, pal! Get outta here! Go! I got 'em Igotem!"

Since his gun could not be found, Dick settled with a rolled up newspaper as his primary weapon in his new mission: the arrest of the escaped convicted murderer Simon Blackquill. Not understanding the outburst of the detective, Apollo panics and opens the door, crawling over Klavier to his escape route, then bolting down the street at high speed. Klavier, even less aware of the situation, promptly fell sideways out of the car into the street.

"SILENCE!" Was ineffective against the vehemently-apologizing detective. "OBJECTION!"s and "HOLD IT!"s from Phoenix also failed. Gumshoe was determined to make this arrest, even though he believed in his innocence because he believed in Prosecutor Edgeworth and he seemed like an ok pal and sometimes life was hard but duty called and on and on pal. Somehow Gumshoe managed to move to the other side of the car and wrench open the driver's side door despite Simon's efforts to keep the damn thing closed and a defense attorney doing his job defending an innocent man by attempting to pull the detective away from the car to listen for two seconds. Either way, Gumshoe almost had poor Simon (who had tangled himself in the seat belt and was kicking the hell out of his captor) out of the car before the return of Apollo hailed the end of the incorrect arrest.

This was the second odd patch of calls to the police from the same street about a noise complaint within the ten minute period. But at least, this time, the famed chords of steel solved a problem.

In the end, Apollo, Phoenix, and Simon chose a different approach to the Gumshoe misunderstanding. Finding that explaining the whole story was too complicated for the detective to understand, the three were able to convince Gummy that Simon was not Simon at all. Rather, he was an acquaintance of Phoenix's who just happened to look like Prosecutor Blackquill. This was based on the logic that Dick had never seen Blackquill without either Detective Fullbright, Taka, or both. Thus, someone who had neither companion with him could not possibly be the Simon Blackquill.

Moments later, the car full of law finally left, once again towards the Wright residence. Phoenix wasted no time before beginning the interrogation, turning around in his seat and glaring at the guilty back row.

"Young men—you'd better start explaining yourselves right now."

"Aww, I'm older than you pal!"

"Objection denied," Simon growled. "Answer the question."

"But it's a long story, pal. And it's all a bit fuzzy, sir. Err, sirs."

"Just do the best you can, detective, I've always been able to get the truth out of you somehow," Phoenix said.

witness testimony

"M'k…Hmm…around eleven or so I got a call from Law'er Justice, here, asking for help…But I can't remember what he said exactly; but he sounded hurt so I rushed to the scene…Around twelve I found him and Prosecutor Gavin boozing it up. I was gunna drive them both home but then we couldn't find Prosecutor Gavin's bike…And I got thirsty, and the moon made us all just so sad so…Somehow we lost my car, too…So we began an investigation…And later you found us, pal!"

Simon scoffed, "Deplorable! A representative of law enforcement acting as a DD only to succumb to the allure of alcohol himself! For shame!"

Gumshoe pouted. "I know it was wrong, pal! I tried to do my best, honest!"

"Let's cut him some slack; these kind of things just kind of happen sometimes," Phoenix interjected.

"Silence! One of my fellow cellmates killed thirty people while driving under the influence—it is an offense that cannot be taken lightly."

"Really, Prosecutor Blackquill? Thirty?!" Apollo leaned forward in his seat, all to eager to hear more gruesome details.

"Indeed. Swerving out of his lane he knocked over a lamppost which in turn hit a tour bus which careened off the bridge into the river."

"Daaaamn!"

"Oh it was neither the fall, nor the water that took those lives; rather, it was the fireworks that exploded the lot. The explosives were not packaged correctly—an accident was imminent. Unfortunate for my cellmate that they picked such an inconvenient time to detonate, but that's life for you."

"Woooaaahhh!"

Phoenix cut off whatever comments Apollo had to offer by slamming his hand on the dashboard. "Gumshoe!"

The man saluted, and the cross examination began.

Cross-examination

"M'k…Hmm…around eleven or so I got a call from Law'er Justice, here, asking for help."

"How did you know the time?"

"Because my real-crime drama had just went off. I still had tears in my eyes when I picked up the phone 'cuz the police chief just professed his undying love for his subordinate only they can't be together on account of their position and all but then she got shot this episode and he held her and-"

"SILENCE!"

"Eeep!"

"Ok so you probably were right about the time, please continue."

"Thank you , sir, but could you ask ProssyB if he could be…well, gentler sir?"

Phoenix turned toward the driver, who was (predictably) scowling. "Well ProssyB could you—,"

"SILENCE! And do not call me that or I shall be forced to slice open your mouth and remove that foul organ you have such a hard time controlling!"

"Right. Ok. Go on Dick."

"But I can't remember what he said exactly; but he sounded hurt so I rushed to the scene."

"What do you mean by hurt?"

"He, uh, I don't really know. It was fuzzy and muffled and like really loud in the background."

"Presumably Justice-dono was calling you from an alcohol distributor."

"But what does that have to do with sounding hurt?"

"Irrelevant! Stop the chatter; he received a call and went to the rescue. Continue."

"Around twelve I found him and Prosecutor Gavin boozing it up. I was gunna drive them both home but then we couldn't find Prosecutor Gavin's bike"

"Gavin-dono drives a motorcycle?"

There were various affirmatives given throughout the car.

Simon slammed down his fist on the steering wheel. "Do you not profess to be this man's friends?! Do you not know of the dangers of such vehicles?!"

Apollo giggled. "But the wind through your hair, its—"

"Silence! Irresponsible nitwit! As soon as Gavin-dono is sober I shall have to inform him. Clearly he has not seen enough macabre collision photographs involving motorcycles. In the clink, there I met a man who had lost all of his limbs in a motorcycle crash."

"Wow all four at once?!"

"Affirmative. But he was driving the car. The other victim had to be scraped from the pavement with ice shovels."

Phoenix grimaced. "Ah, ok, you go on and give that talk, Simon, but right now I'm more interested in what Dick here was doing for an entire hour before finding the other two boys."

"Oh! Yeah I got lost, sir. And they moved!"

"Moved where?"

"To like three or four bars."

"You're telling me that little Apollo carried Klavier around to different bars?"

"Nah, Prosecutor Gavin was still conscious at that point. He was really rocking out, pal!"

"Ok so after hunting the stooges, you tried to find Klavier's bike even though you were going to drive them both home?" Phoenix summarized.

"Yeah, that's just what happened, pal. And then…'And I got thirsty, and the moon made us all just so sad so…'"

Simon and Phoenix both decided to not even bother trying to touch that one.

"But by the time we gave up on'tha bike somehow we lost my car, too!"

"Gumshoe-dono…am I to understand that you have lost a police vehicle all because you were selfishly consuming alcohol?"

The detective pouted. "Yeah, but I didn't mean to. And I HAD to drink, pal! I HAD to! Prosecutor G had already passed out and I couldn't let another man drink his sorrows away alone, pal! That's just mean!"

Apollo hugged the large man around the shoulders. "Gumshoe's the best!"

"No you're the best, pal!"

Simon slams his hand again, followed by his "on-with-it" chin-flick.

"So we began an investigation…And later you found us, pal!"

"I take it your efforts were in vain, Gumshoe-dono?"

"Huh?"

"He means did you find anything?" Phoenix clarified.

"Uhh…trash mostly. You wouldn't believe the kind of shit people throw away, pal! Like obvious stuff like diapers, used protection, tissues, food containers, bottles, old expired stuff, you name it! But so much useable things! What a waste of food; man it makes me sad. We even found steaks! How can people throw that away when there are grown men out there living on instant noodles?!"

There was a long pause. Simon clenched the driver's wheel so hard his knuckles turned pure white. "Please. Please do not. Tell me. That you were searching for the car. You lost. In the garbage."

"Well, yeah, of course we had to check there! A thorough investigation is the basis for solving every case, pal! You can't trick me with that question!"

end cross-examination

Another painfully long silence; Simon is practicing his breathing exercises while Phoenix uses every ounce of his willpower to not picture the night's previous activities.

"What? Did I say something?"

A low growl escaped Simon's throat, his teeth barely bared. Phoenix put a hand on his shoulder (which Simon immediately flicked off), and leaned in conspiratorially to whisper, "You know I can't defend you if you're actually guilty of assault right?"

He growled another answer, but remained rigidly fixated on driving.

"Right. Ok. Next young man—," Phoenix turns and points directly at Apollo. Having drifted off, he jumps at the sudden attention, sitting up straight and pinching himself awake. "—what kind of trouble did you get yourself into before the trusty detective started dumpster diving?"

witness testimony

"Hmm…Well…I guess it all started when I met after the noodle-thing…But he had to go home around ten because of work or something, but I was NOT ready to go home just yet…So I was walking around town annnnd…no, wait, was that? No that was last week…Uh, eventually I called Klavier…or did he call me? I can't remember…Hmmm. Anyway somehow we ended up bar hopping and it was super fun because he can get you in anywhere, like, really. I usually don't do this sort of thing, so, I mean, who knew there were so many fun places around here?! And I'm not sure, like maybe I dreamed this, but there was one place that was real dark, and uuuhh, the drinks tasted real funny but I kept on 'cus I still didn' wanna go home and that's when I started feeling kinda…funny I guess? And Klavier got real, uh, like euphoric or something whereas before he was kinda a downer, like he said some far out intelligent stuff I was like whoah! I mean who knew, right? But then these chicks started saying all this weird stuff and lots of people suddenly were shirtless and I couldn't hear because of the music, but they kept getting all in my space and it was just like no, uh not interested ok, and then we just like uh fled after this one guy licked my face and I was so not ok with that. But Klavier was super cool about the whole thing, like really apologetic that someone freaked me out like that and told me all this like personal stuff and you know it was like man I want to be friends with this dude because he's so like understanding and sensitive but also so…so…uhhh so rock. And I'm nothing like that right so that means I hafta experience it from uh someone else and and and uhh that's it? Like eventually Klavier uh crashed for some uh reason and so I tried to call my neighbor Gunkshuut but I musta hit the wrong button 'cuz then the detective came instead, ya know? And at first I was uh a little scared, because to be honest, I think we might uh ingested something maybe even uh illegal, on accident though, like I've never done drugs in my life before I am hella sparkly clean like I don't even usually drink and I'm such a virgin in all kind of ways, like seriously, you cannot find a more straight-laced cool guy like me like anywhere…And uh but I dunno my heads just been real funny since then but yeah this guy is so freaking coooooolll! I mean we like barely know one another and yet he he he drank with me and now we're like uh like brothers or something, yeah!"

[a/n: do i really think Apollo is a virgin? sometimes b/c he is a huge awkward dork. but i also go back/forth btwn him and Clay being lovers, and/or being sexually abused by Kristoph Gavin or while in the orphanage/foster care program. if he was/is sexually active, he'd probably lie about it even when drunk in front of these ppl though]

"Yeah, pal! Bro hug!"

"Bro hug!"

The two bear hugged, pulling the sleeping Klavier into the pile. Phoenix reluctantly let his hand be held but Simon punched every hand that attempted to enter his space.

"So you're saying that, despite being someone who generally avoids vices you were somehow subjected to seedy nightclubs where someone must have slipped you an illegal substance all because you kept drinking to avoid going home?"

Apollo burped. Apparently the power of the chords of steel was not limited to speech alone.

"'Scuse me!"

end of cross-examination…since there was no where to even begin

There was another drawn-out pause; the detective had fallen asleep mid-hug and Apollo had begun to drift off again. Suddenly, Apollo began to laugh uncontrollably. "Wait, I couldn't've even got home! Trucy has my keys! Bahahahaha!"

"Wait, what?!"

Apollo was under a full-scale laughing attack, but he did his best to communicate, anyway. By the end of his account, the laughs lapsed into a solemn silence again.

"Yeahahaha, see, hah!, I hahaha haven't been hah home like haha AT ALL since hahahahahahah you know yeah and hahaha poor Trucy has been hehehehe bringing me clothes and stuff hehehahoho sorry I hahaHAhaaa told her not to tell you 'cause hahahahaheeeee then you'd like try to haha talk about it with me or hah something and I hehohahaha couldn't and hahaha I can't hehehehe judge-all-ya-want but I hahahahaHAH can't go back hahaha there haha not ever heh so she's been, uh, packing my stuff up for me too. Hmm."

Suddenly fighting back tears, Apollo clears his throat. Simon and Phoenix exchange glances, then begin a silent argument over who should say something. Phoenix obviously losses.

"So where have you been staying, if I might ask?"

"Oh, uh," He sniffed. "Well several nights I crashed at 's place while he was locked up; then Athena gave me her keys so I could stay at her place since she wouldn't be there. Not sure how she knew I needed them, though, but…It was like too weird being there so I didn't stay longer than showering and feeding her fish and then I, err, slept in the office. Which was also very weird and uncomfortable since I…yeah…And I had to get up SUPER early just in case you, you know, got to work on time or early, for once…sooo…And now it looks like we're all going to your house, Mr. Wright?! Like wow I didn't think you lived somewhere so spacious!"

"I don't."

"Oh…"

"I mean if I could just say no then I would but I can't so sardine house it is. Only for a few hours at this point, though."

"Right, right."

Phoenix had a rough time deciding which person (between his subordinate and one-of-many-rivals) to watch during Apollo's brief explanation. Of course Athena had been right about Prosecutor Blackquill, she was always right; but Phoenix was surprised he had not noticed the tension there before. As soon as Apollo started saying her name Phoenix heard Simon's jaw audibly snap shut. Then he watched as the other's hands clenched the steering wheel so tight that his hands started to shake slightly. The already tense man became rock solid. He even made Edgeworth look loose. And the usually all-too-observant Apollo seemed to be completely oblivious to the giant potentially lethal problem in front of him. Damn.

Thanks to Simon's adherence to the speed limit, they reached the house before the silence became too unbearable. That did not stop Apollo from falling asleep for a few minutes. Blackquill raised an eyebrow when Phoenix instructed to park next door, but followed orders anyway. After several minutes poking and prodding the back seat, only Gumshoe was able to be stirred into motion. Without comment, Simon picked up Klavier like he weighed nothing and walked to patiently wait for Phoenix to open the door. Gumshoe followed more slowly, wobbling unsteadily carrying Apollo. Phoenix, barely conscious himself, struggled for almost a minute with the lock before finally coaxing the door open.

At least none of the girls were still out, so that was good.

It was just after three o'clock in the morning.

"Where shall I put this, Wright-dono?" Simon asked, holding up the body of his colleague.

"Uhh…shit. Um…couch I guess?" He turned to the droopy-eyed detective. "Sorry, but I, uh, kinda invited Blackquill here first so he's got dibs on the spare bed, err."

"Don't be ridiculous!" Simon straightened after laying Klavier out on the couch. "After sleeping in the clink even that ratty old armchair looks perfectly comfortable. Please, detective, I insist you take the bed. Unless we want to put these skinny rivals together?" He smirked.

Phoenix blushed; Gumshoe was too far gone to even register any sounds as words.

"No that's ok I don't think either of them would appreciate that, uh…"

He helped Gumshoe drop Apollo in the small love-seat, then pushed Gumshoe along to the small spare room. Simon stood awkwardly in the entryway, unsure of what to do. Although he was able to fall asleep virtually anywhere, even sitting up straight, he had no intention of resting here. He was still much too wound up.

Phoenix shuffled back, pointing in various directions as he mumbled, "Kitchen, bathroom, bedroom one, two, three, help yourself…To food'n'drinks I mean! Err…Ok, night!"

Then he was gone too.

It was so quiet.

Simon remained standing still for awhile, listening.

[Apollo-22][Kristoph-25] [Simon-26][Phoenix- 31][Starbuck-33][Gumshoe-35/6]